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I am tall, standing well over 6 feet. I have a mustache that I’ve had since my freshman year in college, and I’m very reluctant to shave it off, and probably never will. I also have big feet and have never found women’s shoes that fit comfortably or are even bearable.
The questions remain: Why do I crossdress? And does passing matter?
I’ve never found a satisfying answer to the question of why I crossdress. My reasons are some of the most common: expressing my feminine side, feeling more comfortable dressed as a woman, or at least wearing women’s clothing, and feeling complete — my authentic self.
I can achieve all of that without passing, without the need to be out in public successfully passing myself off as a woman. Even dressing at home behind closed doors, I achieve those goals.
Is there a thrill that goes with passing that I’m missing out on? Yes, probably. In my first marriage, I often sat on my front porch in our small town wearing a dress and appropriate underwear underneath. Shrubbery in front of the porch partially blocked me from being seen by people walking past the house on the sidewalk just a few feet in front of the porch. It was definitely fun to sit out there, but the actual dressing was the important part.
In my current relationship and new home, I am lucky to have a very supportive partner. She has known about my crossdressing since before we met (we met online and exchanged lots of secrets in advance of meeting). She has bought many of my clothes for me, especially bras and dresses. I am able to fully dress at home whenever I want. But she is not comfortable with me being seen by anyone else — friends, family, or strangers. Dressing is just for me in the privacy of our home. She’s not turned on by my crossdressing, but neither is she turned off. She accepts it as part of me, knowing that need will likely never go away (over 55 years of crossdressing and the need is as strong, or stronger, than ever).
I’m okay with that. Being able to fully express my feminine side at home satisfies me. Although it would be wonderful to wear a dress while sitting on our back porch, which is very private, there is always the possibility one of our next-door neighbors would see me. I’d be okay with the risk, even if I was seen, but she is not. So I’ve given up on that possibility for the privilege of fully expressing myself in the house, with her full support. It’s a reasonable trade.
That also eliminates the need, whatever it might have been, to pass in public. It takes some pressure off me. And it allows me to focus, to whatever extent I need, on why I crossdress, or if I even need to figure out why I crossdress. I don’t need to worry about my mustache or the fact that my feet are too big to find women’s shoes that are comfortable enough to wear even around the house. Or if I’m wearing something that doesn’t fit me perfectly — although she’s really helpful in finding clothes that look good on me and wants me to look nice, as well as being age-appropriate, in what I’m wearing. So no miniskirts, stilettos, bullet bras, etc., although I’m sure she would indulge me in those if I really needed them. But I don’t.
So is passing important? No, for me, it’s not. But everyone is different. I know there are crossdressers for whom passing is the goal at all times. And I’m not saying I don’t wish I could pass — I’d love to pass. But it’s not in the cards for me, and I’m okay with that.
That also eliminates the need, whatever it might have been, to pass in public. It takes some pressure off me.
With my moustache, age, and size, I am not fooling anyone, not even myself, about passing. My main interest is in the fashion anyway, not in being so realistic as to be able to pass under a microscope.
Great topic and one of the common threads woven into the giant CD blanket!
For myself, I do not give any thought to 'passing'. To me, that word means the notion that you think you've convinced others (strangers) that you are a cis female. Firstly, how could I know what other people are thinking? If I have that super power, this seems to be a poor use of it lol. Secondly, they're strangers - devoting that much of my energy to the feelings of people I'll never talk to, let alone see again is more energy than I have. And lasty, like you, I'm well over 6' in heels, 210lbs, don't really change my voice, and am always wearing clearly fake, bright red/blue hair. I can't think I'm fooling anyone at less than 100yds in pitch darkness.
I think many girls have this strong 'passing' feeling because they're concerned about looking/feeling silly or foolish - that people will look at them and say, "what a silly man in a dress!". However, discounting the first two items above, what I've found is that the more you take ownership of a thing, the more confidence you have and the less ability you give anyone to use it against you (remember that, you *give* them that power).
I met a girl at Keystone last year. When I first saw her she was sitting (and lovely), for whatever reason she stood up to come chat with me and my two gfs. She was easily 6'10" in her gorgeous platform heels. After we chatted, one of my gfs said, "Odd, tall girls don't wear heels - makes them too tall." I replied that this girl was easily 6'5" without her heels and what difference would wearing flats make anyway. So this girl said to herself, "Well if I'm gonna be tall no matter what, lemme be extra tall!" (and girl, she was *killing it*).
So I realized I'd also adopted that mentality. I'm tall and big and not exactly super femme, but I'm going to push that as high as I want and own it - damn the torpedoes! I wish you the best in pursuing whatever your heart's desire is. 🙂
This is a great topic and great thoughts. I don't pass well, so when I go out, I have to accept that I'm going to be "the guy in the dress." I think I look pretty nice generally, but I know I'm not fooling anyone. I would like to be able to pass just to avoid the stares and giggles and such. While most people don't care, there's always a few that pay more attention to me than they normally would. It would be nice to be seen as just as a normal woman when I'm dressed up. I do like the deviant aspect of cross dressing to some extent. I like being weird, but it would be nice to blend in. I'm not trans and don't feel like there's some woman inside that needs to get out, it would just be nice to be in a store and hear laughter and not wonder if it's in my direction or not. I shouldn't worry about what strangers think, but I do. I mostly worry about people I know and how it might affect them (complicated and long tangent . . . ) so it would be nice to be "ignorable."
I can’t pass when I lived in Florida our house had fence so I could walk around the yard or sun bath it was great and I do have the fear of being caught my wife kind of knows
Well Trace, you seem quite content with what you have and the acceptance of a partner. It is a refreshing article that may put others who are like you at ease as there are no rules here on how, when and where you should dress, the key is happiness and contentment living within your own boundaries.
Passing is a passing issue for me. Most of my dressing is at home, from neck down only. But when I go out in public I spend hours preparing, hoping to look my feminine best and doing well enough to blend in without being noticed by many. It is a high to believe that I have succeeded in my feminine skills to the point I am viewed as a woman rather than a man in a dress, and a thrill when complimented on feminine appearance or actions
Clearly some do believe I am a woman and treat me that way, without having to fake it. That is always a highlight.. I always feel Elated if addressed as "Ma'am" and DEflated if addressed as "sir." Real or not, I enjoy the fantasy of believing I am passable and acceptable in my presentation.
So, while I'd love to say passing does not matter, the truth is that, passing does matter to me. It validates who I am, the part of me who finds female expression necessary and enjoyable. It helps me experience what I believe women experience in many situations, and even if ingenuine, portrays a level of acceptance that is beyond what I usually enjoy in drab mode. Women compliment women routinely, and simple courtesy and positive recognition of who I am or express myself to be- FEMALE- is a nice byproduct.
Passing is not a necessity. In fact, I sometimes out myself and am always quick to divulge the truth if anyone wishes to inquire, as that is a positive experience for me, as I love to explore such topics, especially if I am in position to help someone for whom it matters in their relationship or any other aspect. I see crossdressing as a positive gifting and wish others could see it that way also, so as to experience the joys I have experienced and learn how to deal with the negative consequences. When out in public I would far rather engage with people who do NOT crossdress than those who do. Passing TOO well could limit opportunities to reach out to others so in fact can be a mixed blessing.
Girl...I just looked at your photos. You are rocking every look. But no one can convince you, except you. I can guarantee you that 95% of anyone you hear giggling/chuckling/etc has nothing to do with you. And the other 5%? Well who cares. Easy to say, yes, but start putting it into practice and you'll be pleasantly surprised at how quickly it takes off. 😉
Thanks for your kind words Melodee. Your photos are also wonderful. I completely agree, that not worrying about what others think is a learned skill. Usually I do pretty well and feel great, but every once in a while something happens that shakes me a bit. I suppose that's good for me. But it would be nice to enjoy a favorite outfit/look without having to go through the effort of ignoring others.
Thanks for your kind words Melodee. Your photos are also wonderful. I completely agree, that not worrying about what others think is a learned skill. Usually I do pretty well and feel great, but every once in a while something happens that shakes me a bit. I suppose that's good for me. But it would be nice to enjoy a favorite outfit/look without having to go through the effort of ignoring others.
Girl...I just looked at your photos. You are rocking every look. But no one can convince you, except you. I can guarantee you that 95% of anyone you hear giggling/chuckling/etc has nothing to do with you. And the other 5%? Well who cares. Easy to say, yes, but start putting it into practice and you'll be pleasantly surprised at how quickly it takes off. 😉
I don’t put any value on passing, but do try to look my best. I dress for myself, but do love opportunities where I feel safe to get out in the world.
Thanks, Mysti -- I might feel the same way if I found opportunities where I felt it was safe to get out in the world. But I don't feel I have those opportunities where I'm at right now.
Thanks, Mysti -- I might feel the same way if I found opportunities where I felt it was safe to get out in the world. But I don't feel I have those opportunities where I'm at right now.
I don’t put any value on passing, but do try to look my best. I dress for myself, but do love opportunities where I feel safe to get out in the world.
I know that I could never pass on the street. Sometimes I feel like I can look pretty good in photos if I use enough smoke and mirrors. I feel like it would be such a rush to step out in public if I could pass. At one time I seriously considered it but I know that it will probably never happen, but that might be ok. What I enjoy the most is hanging around the house wearing whatever I feel most comfortable in, be it a skirt or dress or leggings. At home I seldomly wear makeup or a wig but I did shave off my mustache after 40 years.
I think my biggest rush comes from dressing to the nines and taking pictures and sharing them with the girls at CDH. So I guess that only you know if I passing is important. I think it would be fun to pass but I guess it’s not that important considering that there is only so much one can do with the human body that we were given.
I know that I could never pass on the street. Sometimes I feel like I can look pretty good in photos if I use enough smoke and mirrors. I feel like it would be such a rush to step out in public if I could pass. At one time I seriously considered it but I know that it will probably never happen, but that might be ok. What I enjoy the most is hanging around the house wearing whatever I feel most comfortable in, be it a skirt or dress or leggings. At home I seldomly wear makeup or a wig but I did shave off my mustache after 40 years.
I think my biggest rush comes from dressing to the nines and taking pictures and sharing them with the girls at CDH. So I guess that only you know if I passing is important. I think it would be fun to pass but I guess it’s not that important considering that there is only so much one can do with the human body that we were given.
Thanks, AnnaBeth, I appreciate your comments. I'm with you; "only so much one can do with the human body that we were given."
Thanks, AnnaBeth, I appreciate your comments. I'm with you; "only so much one can do with the human body that we were given."
I'd like to think that in the transgender "spectrum" all of us fall at different points. Some like yourself Trace, like to enjoy the trappings of femininty without the added need to "pass". The important part is that you are comfortable with where you are on that spectrum, and it seems you are. You are gaining the benefits of our proclivity, you own it and are the better person for it! No one can tell you what you should or should not be experiencing - it is different for all of us.
And if you get right down to it, very few of us REALLY pass!
Thanks, Kris, well said. One thing I've learned over the years is that all of us are different and at different points in our transgender or crossdressing experience, desires, and needs. And that's okay.
Thanks, Kris, well said. One thing I've learned over the years is that all of us are different and at different points in our transgender or crossdressing experience, desires, and needs. And that's okay.
I'd like to think that in the transgender "spectrum" all of us fall at different points. Some like yourself Trace, like to enjoy the trappings of femininty without the added need to "pass". The important part is that you are comfortable with where you are on that spectrum, and it seems you are. You are gaining the benefits of our proclivity, you own it and are the better person for it! No one can tell you what you should or should not be experiencing - it is different for all of us.
And if you get right down to it, very few of us REALLY pass!
Thank you so much, Melodee, for your thoughtful response. I like your statement in your story, "Well if I’m gonna be tall no matter what, lemme be extra tall!" LOL
I got my first pair of shoes just a week ago after I had already submitted this article. I went with flats; I'm not opposed to heels, but at my age I'm not sure I need to learn to walk in them. But the thing is, crossdressing is for me, not to pass, so if I did happen to find heels that fit and are comfortable, I'm always free to change my mind!
