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There comes that time in your journey where you want to open up and share your feminine self with others in your normal life. Trans friends are wonderful, for sure, but you might sense that there will be something healing and transformative about sharing your secret self with your friends and/or family.
This conversation comes up so often in the CDH chat rooms and IRL, so I thought I'd share a sample script of what I said and would say again if I had to come out again. Of course, feel free to change this and make it your own. It's really just a way to get vulnerable in any area of life, not just your gender journey.
The wording ...
- . allows them to say no
- . allows them to opt in to join you
- . takes ownership of your history
- . works to remove shame of your journey
- . shares your feelings
This isn't magical wording, though. This topic is deep and complex for everyone you share your life with, but it's worth it to be integrated, no longer living a split life, allowing people close to you into your soul, removing shame, and being at peace with yourself.
I'd say something like this:
_____________ START SCRIPT _____________
Hey __________, I've been thinking about things, and there's a big part of my life I've been scared to share with people, but I really feel I want to now. It's been around in my life for ___________ years, but I've always been embarrassed by it and not known what to do with it, so I hid it. And I'm tired of hiding. So I want to include you in my journey. But this is hard for me; is that the kind of thing I can share with you?"
........*tell your story* ........
So that's the journey I've been on. I don't totally understand it and might not ever, but it's a real part of me and I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. I don't want this to be a burden on you. I've heard people say that when someone comes out, it's like they get to take chains off and put the chains on the person they just came out to. I don't want it to feel like that for you. I'm telling *these people in my life* right now, and you're totally free to talk with them about any of this. And I know it might be more awkward for you to bring this up than for me to talk about it, but please just keep walking with me in life and in this. You really can ask me *this detail of questions*. And I would love for you to look out for me so I'm not doing anything that would damage my life, while also knowing that I don't want to run away from this part of me or hide it any more either. This is just one area of my life, but it's a real area. Thanks for listening and being with me in this. You're amazing; I feel honored for you to hear my story.
_____________ END SCRIPT _____________
I'd love to hear any other additions you might have to this script. Please leave those ideas down in the comments section. I wish you courage and vulnerability and the freedom of being knit back together in your life.
@hopeclark Hope, thanks for sharing your approach for coming out to loved ones. It sounds very logical and not intimidating. I have been struggling for years on how to have the talk with my spouse.
i will use your approach in a slightly modified form. Thank you so much for sharing.
Jill
Great post Hope!. I have been using a variation of that this past year as I enlarge the circle of those who know about Cyn. I think most people know there's "something different" about me, and among the folks I see every week -mainly at league pool-I have begun figuring out the ones I think will be accepting (or at the least not 'put off' by it. Just earlier this week, a female friend(married) who has always said I give the best hugs wa the latest I opened up to. She does makeup and hair for weddings , and is excited to have some girly girl time with me lol.
Couple of important points in my opinion-make of them what you will
1) never ask or expect someone to NOT tell their spouse/SO. It is in my opinion unreasonable to ask someone to not confide important things or things they are wondering/thinking about with their partner. While some will tell me that they WON'T tell their partner, I only ask them to let me know if they DO tell them so I know who knows about me.
2) realize that the more people who know, the more likely it will spread and become common knowledge-not ALWAYS a bad thing and sometimes inadvertent but once a secret is shared with more than yourself it will not always remain a secret
3) remember that TRUE friends will still love and accept you for who you are-if they don't then they weren't really true friends
4) while there are for many folks valid reasons why they cannot and or don't want to be out,(whether due to worries about job, or family , or simply wanting to keep that part of one's life private) for those who DO-remember that the opinions of idiots are just that.....the opinions of idiots and as such not worth worrying about.
So decide for yourself whether/if you want to share this side of your life, how quickly or slowly to do so, how many and who to share it with, and remember each of us is on our own unique journey. I for one support and encourage each and everyone of y'all wherever your journey leads you!
Cyn
I found that starting with a message that re-affirms the relationship with the person you're telling helps. You're about to tell them something that is going to put their lives into transition too. They need to know that you value the relationship enough to tell them and people are insecure in themselves to start with. Doing this first sets the sober mindset and makes it clear you value things being the way they are. Lastly, once you reveal yourself they are going to have so much going through their head that any further info may get clouded.
HI Hope, this is a great post, and it is really a fantastic toll to use, I want to come out to my sister but have not worked out how to yet, this is a complicated as we have only know each other for half our life's as she was part of the white stolen generation from the 60's. she also has very strong religious views, I think see will be ok with it but still not 100% sure But that said I will try before Xmas this year
I feel your situation and wish you so much positivity. I shared my journey with all of my family last year, and it went great.
Hope, Nice post. As we all know, divulging our crossdressing secret to others can be the most difficult thing ever done, and not knowing how it will be received can be terrifying.
Fortunately I have had the talk with my wifey, sadly it did not go well initially but she has come to accept me as her hubby who occasionally crossdresses.
Coming out to a spouse or trusted loved one can be unnerving to say the least, but your "script" or something similar can be very helpful if / when that decision to talk arrives.
Thanks, and enjoy your time crossdressing... Staci..
Hope Clark, the author, hasn't been around for a couple of years.
Scripts, such as this one, would quickly fall apart in my hands, but there are good ideas here which can be applied by anyone.
The early shock, annoyance of, threats coming my wife are toned down now, probably mostly because I am not pushing to go out of our home en femme. My public dressing style surely has to be a big part of her reactions.
I think that my actions would carry more weight with her than anything that I could say to her, so my current script is what I wear every day.
