Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
My wife knows I cross-dress. She went with it for a little while too. That was not nearly as good as I thought it would be. She was uncomfortable being out with me at clubs themed for cross-dressers and T-girls and I felt guilty asking her to go. So I stopped asking, and for the most part, I stopped going except on the rarest of occasions. I moved my wardrobe back into the closet and only dressed in private. I have written before about all the things a wife must feel when she learns that her husband cross-dresses and I know from first hand experience that all of the explaining in the world frequently does little to restore stasis to a relationship after the revelation is made.
For me, I strongly feel that the failures of my explanations is largely due to the fact that I do not understand my urge to cross-dress all that well myself. I also strongly feel that the reason I have trouble understanding myself is because of linguistic limitations. There are many articles here that struggle with those linguistic limitations and many of those articles are constructed around what a cross-dresser ISN'T and I think this makes it very difficult to explain to someone what a cross-dresser IS.
For instance, it seems that most cross-dressers are NOT gay. I have yet to see a cross-dresser use this word in self-reference. A few of us are bisexual. And some of us like men, but only like men AS a woman. But I have yet to see someone admit that they like men exclusively both as a man and as a woman.
It also seems to me that most cross-dressers are NOT transsexuals, and, based on my observations only, that most of us don't seriously entertain the idea of actually becoming a woman. We all seem to fantasize about it and we all seem to have educated ourselves about it. But very few of us actually seem to go through with actual reassignment. For most of us, I suspect, it is because we recognize ourselves as cross-dressers and differentiate "cross-dresser" from "transsexual"--even though every cross-dresser I have ever met acknowledges an inner woman!
Finally, it seems to me that most Cross-dressers are NOT transvestites. We don't dress and act like women solely because it gives us a sexual thrill or because sex is only satisfying if we are dressed as our female selves. In other words, most of us aren't paraphiliacs.
Accordingly, based on my own unscientific sampling I am positing the following affirmative (and admittedly over-generalized) description of what a cross-dresser IS:
Most of the cross-dressers I have come across online and in real life are (a) straight or bisexual men (b) who feel like women on the inside (c) but don't have an overwhelming compulsion to physically become a woman, and (d) who find peace and happiness on a non-sexual level when looking like and being dressed like a woman.
Notably, by this definition, we don't fit into any recognized current or former pathology (homosexuality, thank God, is no longer considered a pathology in the DSM, but gender dysphoria and transvestism ARE still considered pathologies as far as I know). Crossdressing, on the other hand, has never been considered a pathology unless associated with 1) Distress, 2) Disability - occupational or otherwise, 3) Dare deviling. In other words, cross-dressers are sexually and mentally...NORMAL.
But try explaining that to your wife while wearing a dress!
Great post. I have also had a hard time the the "WHY" question. I am a very happily married older CD who loves to get dressed, either fully or even partially as circumstances permit and I have a wonderful and somewhat understanding wife BUT I have never been able to really explain why I am the way I am. Sure I have proffered some explanations but I cannot make a cogent and convincing argument.
Several years ago I lucked into the purchase of a 20 year old used Porsche. It had about 10K miles on the odometer and I got it for a song. I never had to explain the wonderful allure of the Porsche to my sons...they got it instantly. I could never explain the allure of the Porsche to my wife. Drilling down I realized that if I have to explain the allure of the car to my wife that I could not do it. It is the same about explaining my cross dressing. I can't do it.
I see these as simple mysteries of my life.
Pat
Hi Katie
An excellent article that addresses many of the key questions that most cross dressers struggle to answer.
In response to your final summing up is pretty much spot on....
In fact based on the most high profile surveys of the last century around 75% of all cross dressers are heterosexual and approx 75% are married with family.
In Vernon Coleman's 'Men In Dresses' 77% of respondents stated that the reason why they cross dressed was because they liked the feel of female clothing, 59% because it gave them a sexual kick, 48% because it helped them to relax and 69% wanted to express feelings of being a woman.
In the same survey 77% confirmed if they had the opportunity they would not have sex reassignment surgery.
In the 1972 Prince & Butler survey 78% of cross dressers saw dressing as 'expressing a different part of themselves'.
By 1992 Doctor & Prince study this had increased to 80% based on the same question.
.....and there's the problem is not that these things are difficult to explain it is simply that there is not enough published information to inform those family and friends.
Check out my website www.caties-book.co.uk or drop me your email and I'll send you an e-copy of the book.
Keep on plugging away....
Catie x
I've spent Most of my working life working with food----
There really is No explain why some folks love certain foods prepared certain ways & other Gag on that Same food--
crossdressing is no different--Except---some folks worry more about (Image) what Others might say--
Jane--London Ontario
I've spent Most of my working life working with food----
There really is No explain why some folks love certain foods prepared certain ways & other Gag on that Same food--
crossdressing is no different--Except---some folks worry more about (Image) what Others might say--
Jane--London Ontario
Katie thank you for a timely and stimulating post. I agree that it's hard to explain to someone else something we don't always understand ourselves. I roughly equated crossdressing with support for a particular sports team in a recent conversation with a friend. My question was "Why do you feel so passionate about that team?" "The response was "I don't know, I just do."
The hardest thing to explain, and I believe the point most frequently missed, is that we don't choose to be crossdressers. It is who we are. Yes, we choose to dress at certain times or in certain ways, but that is the manifestation of who we are. I suspect that we have all wished at times that we could just switch the need 'off'. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
Thanks again for your article.
Katie thank you for a timely and stimulating post. I agree that it's hard to explain to someone else something we don't always understand ourselves. I roughly equated crossdressing with support for a particular sports team in a recent conversation with a friend. My question was "Why do you feel so passionate about that team?" "The response was "I don't know, I just do."
The hardest thing to explain, and I believe the point most frequently missed, is that we don't choose to be crossdressers. It is who we are. Yes, we choose to dress at certain times or in certain ways, but that is the manifestation of who we are. I suspect that we have all wished at times that we could just switch the need 'off'. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
Thanks again for your article.
Katie, Thanx for sharing your thoughts. As I read your article, it was as if you were describing my own situation. I have only shared that I am a crossdresser with my wife within the past year. Though she has been supportive and understanding, she has asked out of curiosity why I believe that I am a crossdresser on several occasions. I have never been able to provide an answer with which I am satisfied.
Thanx again,
MacKenzie
Katie, Thanx for sharing your thoughts. As I read your article, it was as if you were describing my own situation. I have only shared that I am a crossdresser with my wife within the past year. Though she has been supportive and understanding, she has asked out of curiosity why I believe that I am a crossdresser on several occasions. I have never been able to provide an answer with which I am satisfied.
Thanx again,
MacKenzie
Dear Katie, what a fantastic, thought provoking article and you have elicited some great replies too. I have heard of estimates of the active gender diverse community comprising of between 2% and 5% of the general population but is that really a true indication of the number of US that there are. Would there be ANY, cis men, who have not, at some time in their life said of something they have just done that "that was a bit girly" or "I let my femimine side show for a minute there". And is there a cis woman, who has not said something like "I wish I had the balls to do that" or "I had to man up today to chop the firewood and paint the wall" or something similar.
How many cis people don't even consider their actions to be unusual when they do something which they think, is the domain of the opposite gender but they feel perfectly comfortable doing it. In short, the vast majority of people, actively do things which they themselves perceive as being not 100% male or female. The correct term for people who are not 100% of a single gender is, transgender and this might apply to that, vast majority of the population. Therefore, we who openly express our gender diversity are right in the middle of the human experience and as you said are perfectly NORMAL.
hugs.
Sheryl
Dear Katie, what a fantastic, thought provoking article and you have elicited some great replies too. I have heard of estimates of the active gender diverse community comprising of between 2% and 5% of the general population but is that really a true indication of the number of US that there are. Would there be ANY, cis men, who have not, at some time in their life said of something they have just done that "that was a bit girly" or "I let my femimine side show for a minute there". And is there a cis woman, who has not said something like "I wish I had the balls to do that" or "I had to man up today to chop the firewood and paint the wall" or something similar.
How many cis people don't even consider their actions to be unusual when they do something which they think, is the domain of the opposite gender but they feel perfectly comfortable doing it. In short, the vast majority of people, actively do things which they themselves perceive as being not 100% male or female. The correct term for people who are not 100% of a single gender is, transgender and this might apply to that, vast majority of the population. Therefore, we who openly express our gender diversity are right in the middle of the human experience and as you said are perfectly NORMAL.
hugs.
Sheryl
Very thought-provoking article, KAtie. I too have always struggled to explain (to my ex wife while I was married and to my 24 yr old daughter currently ) why I feel the need to dress. They both always just said "well just stop doing it!" not realizing that they may as well ask me to stop breathing! In my own case there are at least SOME TG feelings as well which complicates matters as I endeavor to determine my path going forward. Thank you for the insights!
Very thought-provoking article, KAtie. I too have always struggled to explain (to my ex wife while I was married and to my 24 yr old daughter currently ) why I feel the need to dress. They both always just said "well just stop doing it!" not realizing that they may as well ask me to stop breathing! In my own case there are at least SOME TG feelings as well which complicates matters as I endeavor to determine my path going forward. Thank you for the insights!
Wonderful article Katie! You ask a lot of thought provoking questions. I guess it's like trying to explain why I am attracted to women - sure I can describe the things about women that attract me, but why I am attracted to those particular things I have no idea. Same with crossdressing. I can describe what I love about it, but why I love those things........again I haven't a clue. I rarely feel compelled to do it every day, and I can go for days or weeks without crossdressing at all. But when the desire comes back - it becomes a need. Kinda like eating.
Again, fabulous article!
April
Wonderful article Katie! You ask a lot of thought provoking questions. I guess it's like trying to explain why I am attracted to women - sure I can describe the things about women that attract me, but why I am attracted to those particular things I have no idea. Same with crossdressing. I can describe what I love about it, but why I love those things........again I haven't a clue. I rarely feel compelled to do it every day, and I can go for days or weeks without crossdressing at all. But when the desire comes back - it becomes a need. Kinda like eating.
Again, fabulous article!
April
