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It has been a while since Vanessa emerged. Busy with work, busy with life, busy with being busy. I guess this is why I haven't had the time to become Vanessa for a few weeks. I find it strange, the longing to wear woman's clothing, to take on female mannerisms, to become Vanessa. When I am not Vanessa, this longing feels almost sexual. At times it is as though I can feel the male part of me becoming aroused by the transgendered woman I am to be.
Just as suddenly it is gone. As I go through the habits familiar to all woman, showering and moisturizing, perfume and makeup, this feeling of tension washes away. When I go to the closet to choose my clothes (an unfortunately small selection thanks to my most recent purge demon) it's almost gone. Once I've weighed the lacy blouse against the chiffon top even the memory of this feeling has evaporated. Replaced by a feeling of wholeness that is difficult to describe.
It is as the moment of finding a lost possession, stretched over hours rather than an instant. It is as if you meet yourself, and invite her over to dinner. It is like holding the hand of a dear loved one you've known so long, only that loved one is a part of you.
When I sat down to write today's article I wasn't intending to share this experience. Truth be told I wasn't intending to have it either. Even though intellectually I know the relief and feeling of whole that overcomes me when I cross dress, I thought that sharing my thoughts in this weblog could substitute for living who I am.
I've just put on my jewelry, a beautiful necklace my wife bought me one Christmas and a pair of diamond earrings. For a time, I am who I am again.
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> the longing to wear
It is a longing - well, at least for me too. I can't speak for everyone 🙂
It's strange in that some weeks can go by and the 'want' just is not there. Other times I find myself wanting quite strongly and it only takes something small - like the sound of a heels in a corridor - to remind me that the balance I seek is out of my grasp.
Dressing up - which makes the whole activity seem somewhat childish 🙂 - flicks that switch in your head. During that moment and indeed for some time after that, you feel content. It's very strange.
I agree, I cannot resist the urge for satin on my soft shaved body, the selection of jewelry and eye shadow, and finally the walk through the door when all eyes are turning, to see my well proportioned body, and all at once I know that what I have done is the right thing for me, and nothing that anyone can say matters any more, I' m in bliss!
