I feel trapped

Hello Raquel,

• Would comming out with your cross dressing to your significant other or wife cause a breakup in your relationship? My marriage did not survive my coming out after 38 years. I tried sharing myself with my spouse always to be shut down or laughed at. MOST women do not accept trans husbands.

Would your wife or significant other be accepting at some level if you exposed your secret of your thrill of cross dressing to her? I knew for a long time that sheis incapable to accept me and the main reason is because her own self worth was negatively affected by what other people would think if she stayed married to a transwoman. My children also have been taught to modify their behavior to get approval.

• Do you find yourself attracted to pretty cross dressers on line when dressed en femme? Yes, but I have always loved women and never attracted to men. I have often thought if I found the right person with common interests, I can now see myself with a fully transitioned transwoman.

I highly recommend getting psycho therapy who treats patients before you talk to your
SO. So many girls make the mistake and it does not turn out well. I also want to note that I spend trapped for 60+ years in the closet killing myself with alcohol/drugs but finally was able to stop once I came out and have never experienced this level of happiness and joy. I hope this helps. Ellie-Mae Nelson

Hi neighbor, Nebraska here. There's not much that is easy in life, Tgirl included. Might be helpful to ask yourself IF you'd be feeling the same without the draw of CDn

Hi Raquel,

My feeling is that if you have fallen out of love you need to be honest about that, and realize that crossdressing probably has very little to do with your romantic feelings for your girlfriend. I was married for 20 years the first time, and made the mistake of telling my wife AFTER we were married. We stayed together and had children, but my crossdressing was banished deep into the closet.

I told my current wife about my crossdressing on our third date. We are still together, and while she is more tolerant than supportive, we are still together, and I am slowly moving towards fully dressing around her (now I do partial...keep my toenails painted, wear panties and pantyhose in front of her, with the occasional day of daring to wear more.

When I am alone, I do slip outside for a cigarette while in a dress and wig and heels (smoking is my other guilty pleasure).

You should move on to find someone who you truly are in love with, and very early on i the relationship, come clean, and disclose. The rewards of having someone who is truly into you (all of you, not just the outwardly masculine side) far outweigh going on with a life where you have to hide who you are from your partner.

Sounds sooooo familiar. You're not alone

I agree with others that this is a common problem but maybe you have an advantage in that you are at the 'girlfriend' stage rather than married. You evidently have strong feelings about her, so why not be honest with her now and see how she reacts. If she rejects you then the decision to split up will have been a mutual choice. If she accepts you, then you've got the best of both worlds - an other half that knows all about you and you have a genuine partner. Honesty can be difficult, very difficult at times, but it is the best way. I hope things work out for you, whichever way it goes. Roz

Hi Raquel,

It seems you have more than one issue to resolve in order to find the inner peace you need. First, telling the truth about your CD might be bad, in that it could ruin your relationship. On the other hand, keeping secrets from our SO is always bad for a relationship, so choose the lesser evil if you must choose. The second issue, your identity crisis is more complicated, and may require professional counseling - which is beyond my pay grade, so I won't attempt it. But these are things to consider: Could you be gay or bi, but not have realized it? Or trans? And if trans, is transitioning essential to you? It may not be. Many girls here are what we call "socially trans", including myself. we either can't or won't do HRT and surgery, but are comfortable in our feminine identities and relationships with our spouses. Your gf may or may not accept such an arrangement, but she has the right to know, and to make that choice. You are not necessarily "trapped", but please keep in mind that yours is not the only future at stake here.

Hugs,
Bettylou

Sometimes we find help in the strangest of places. Last year I knew it was time for me to come out. But I was scared knowing I am not yet feminine enough to pass, and I made a comment to my then girlfriend. And fully expected her to make fun of me and break up. It turns out she has a dominant streak and was bisexual. She asked if I was still attracted to girls. And I said, “yes but lesbians hate guys.” Then she asked the strangest question from my point of view. “Do you like men?” I said, of course I like them and have male friends. She said, no, do you like them sexually? To which I said, no, but I know I will be happier as a girl. This dates back to before I started kindergarten. And she said, she would teach me how to have sex as a lesbian. I said, I already knew how to do oral sex. But she said she could show me how to do it better, and show me how to “kick,” which apparently is a way two women can pleasure each other by being very close with there legs intertwined.
So I have to wonder if you and your girlfriend might not finder even better romance as two girls?

I think you're over thinking it. Sure she'll be hurt but she'll get over it. So Get on the bus Gus,make a new plan Stan,and get yourself free.

Hi Raquel,

Everyone's situation is different, but in my case the "short answers" to your questions would be "Yes, No, and Maybe."

Those of us both in marriages and in the closet have a lot more to lose than someone still dating, so in that respect you have more options.

When you say that you feel you just "love her less romantically and more like a friend than a lover" that could happen between any two people in a relationship, and not necessarily tied to the urge to CD. Being honest about your attraction to her would (IMO) seem to be the best (even necessary) approach, and hopefully you can still be friends.

If, OTOH, you're thinking about confessing your dressing in order to push her to break up with you (to spare yourself the guilt of being the one to break it off), then I can only say it wouldn't be my choice in that situation and might blow up in your face if she's both unaccepting/intolerant and angry/vindictive.

But if she really is the beautiful, understanding person you describe, then perhaps it will all work out, and having her as a new BFF could be a dream!

Good luck!

Hugs,

Rachel

I truly wish I could wave a magic wand and help you but I can't. I had a rather similar situation but I was married and I told my wife about my interests that I've had since i was a kid. In my case she divorced me, made up a bunch of lies about me, promised me she will do everything she can to make sure I never see my kids again, got me fired from a good job and the list goes on. I thank God everyday that I have 2 good friends and that I found this site for support. I know things will get better and I pray for you as well. I wish you the best and good luck.

Hi Raquel, before long I started dressing I split up with my then GF, who was the first woman I have had a proper relationship with. I knew we weren't right for eachother so we mutually split. Three months later we become friends again. We have now been best friends for 2 years and she was the first person I told about my feminine feeling. If you need to split up do so, I know that you fear hurting her but sooner rather than later is better and if you break on good terms then you can remain friends.

A lot of things to sort out. I'm out to my SO. we go out with me dressed sometimes, she helps me shop sometimes and encourages me to be comfortable in my exploration. There is no catagorical answer to your questions. it totally depends on the other person you are with. It could certainly go badly and she leaves because its out of her range of things. OTH it could totally revitalize your relationship or something in between. THe inbetween is along the lines of "Yes I know but I don't want to see" as a pretty common middle ground. 2 years isn't that much time if you are still pretty young, no kids together, no other major entanglements. Its way better to part sooner rather than dragging it out for later. Ask anyone who's been thru a divorse about it. It was really hard, really scary, and the best thing they did. Its a lot easier to find some one who you'll be compatible with and open about yourself.

It's a hard call to make, but as pointed out, now is better than later, when there are children and co-owned property involved.I've been there, done that, although my divorce had nothing to do with my crossdressing, which at the time was minimal compared to now.
beyond the crossdressing, there is your admitted attraction to good looking CDS. perhaps that is something to sort out once you are single, before anything else.
with much empathy xo Kelli

I understand, but you are not responsible for how she will feel, anymore than she is responsible for how you feel. How she will react to you wanting to end the BF/GF relationship is totally on her. They're her feelings, not yours. Don't try to own something you don't have to begin with. There are other people out there, who may or may accept your crossdressing, just be honest with them if a relationship I starting. Also be honest with you current GF. How long you two have been together is irrelevant. The time frame has nothing to do with the now or the future. Split up now if you don't want to be in a relationship with her. Don't prolong it. You both need to get on with your separate lives.