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I’m ashamed to say I never told my wife about my wanting to express a feminine side or felt like I would make a better woman than the man I was trying so hard to be. Our careers took us to Houston, Texas eventually where I went back to college to get an engineering degree while I was working full-time. I had some opportunities to dress off and on during those years. Fast forward to 2015, when we lived in South Carolina and I had an opportunity to dress nights and weekends for several months when my wife went to help family in her home area in South Louisiana. I tried breast forms and butt/hip padding along with all the other clothes, shapewear, shoes, wig, etc. I was so hooked on transforming myself into a passable woman that it scared me. I abruptly purged everything one night and determined that I couldn’t continue, or I would not be able to stop, even for work or my wife’s sake.
That purge lasted for 6 years. Finally, at the beginning of 2021, I just as abruptly began purchasing everything I had before and then some. We had relocated to the Pittsburgh metro area, and the pandemic forced me to work from home, but my wife was working outside the home and sometimes gone for 12–13 hours. I would get myself dolled up before my workday started and clean everything up before my wife got back home. I knew if she had something that caused her to come home early, there would be no possible way to hide this from her. However, I felt like if she did learn about it, I would at least be able to stop hiding half of myself from her. I realized this time around what I had been denying for so many years. I didn’t know what to call it back then besides crossdressing. I now knew I had been suffering from gender dysphoria for more than 6 decades! I realized whether there was a way to “fix” it or not, I owed it to my wife to come out to her.
We had “the talk” in July 2021, then through discussions and therapy, I had to tell her that I couldn’t remain a part-time closeted crossdresser anymore. The feminine urges were genetic and ingrained and I needed to start HRT and at a minimum socially transition.
We had other issues somewhat unrelated (although I think most of my problems interacting with others stemmed from my discomfort being male) and we will be physically separate this summer. We love each other and she is supportive, however, she needs her own space to figure out what she wants and needs. She isn’t physically attracted to other women so it’s doubtful we’ll cohabitate in future.
We may elect to stay married for some of the financial benefits. As for me, I have come out to almost all of my medical team. I’ve been on spironolactone since late November and estradiol since early March. Even a few months ago, my wife saying she needs to move out would have driven me into a spiral of guilt and depression. While I am not happy with the situation, I know we both need this space and time. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or just personal growth but I am resigned to the changes and just as determined that nothing will interfere with my need to transition.
So, at 66 years of age, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up — a confident, contented transwoman!
Thank you for taking time to read my article and I look forward to hear your responses.
Sincerely, Brielle
@briellerose what the story ! You came through so much, I am speechless. I am glad you found your true self eventually. I wish you the best in your continuing journey of self exploration
Brielle, We have taken different paths in life but harbored that one aim. I haven't the complication of marriage yet had those insecurities about coming out as the real person. It took years to slowly open that door to come out to people in a slow and methodical manner. Then, at sixty, retirement and an opportunity arose for me to not only appear but work as the person I always dreamed of. It is never easy but once you cannot deny your feelings you have to express the right to live as the person you always were.
Than you for sharing and giving hope to others who are in the same situation.
And thank you Angela, for the encouragement. Part of me just wants to "rip the bandage off" and reveal to the world, scars and all! But the caterpillar has to stay in the crysallis as long as it takes and can't burst out one day sooner than God ordains.
Same for us, GF! Thanks for helping me remebre that!
Oh Brie, once again we find our mutual selves on very similar paths! I can echo much of what you've shared. I am now living separated from my spouse, who, like yours, wants to stay married but not live together. I am living as Lauren full time and, although I am filled with great joy at finally being able to live as the trans woman I am, there is certainly a period of adjustment that we go through! Thank you once again for sharing so much of your own journey with us, love you girl!
Hugs,
Lauren M
Thank you Lauren for giving me such hope that there is a rainbow at the back side of this storm! Love you too, GF!!
Very touching story Brie. Although I've no plan to ever transition, I understand something of the identity struggles you had. After about a year or so of being seriously CD. Aurora B.
Brielle, once again a wonderful story. Your story is so similar to mine. After decades of crossdressing only once in a while, 3 years ago I got serious, dressing more and more. started to go out in public. Came out to most of my family. Now I want to socially transition, not sure about HRT and going under the knife is to much ( or is it ??????). I'll be 68 in 3 months, wish I would have started some of this years ago while the body was in better shape.
. Cassie
Hi Cassie, I now need (but always wanted) my orchiectomy so I can get off the spiro that is spiking my potassium levels. So far, that is the only surgical procedure I'm plannig for. I'll wait at least another year or two (would need to anyway) for any other permanent surgeries. Not ruling anything out at this point because
HRT has been really wonderful in that the mental and emotional changes have been so evident. Even six months ago, I'd have had a total melt-down and the prospect of separation. I am sad, but more than functional. I've been overstressed the last week or two, but from logistics and my huge surge in job-related demands. All of that is transitory.
Life could be better, but it's a hella better than it was a year ago for me. BTW, I routinely hear of 70+ trans people getting bottom surgeries. It's all what your health and mental outlook permits. I also wish I'd had the coiurage to start this about 20 years ago, but I didn't want my pre-school daughter to risk starting out in a "broken" home if it didn't work out well. But we are as a social gropup so guilty of living with past regrets - it is draining and solves nothing!! Just my two-cents' worth (LoL!).
Thanks, Brielle, for sharing your journey of femme self-discovery. To my eye, you've already grown up into that confident transwoman you'd always hoped to be. And now that you've arrived, you have only to enjoy being there!
Hugs and warmest regards,
-- Camryn Occasionnel
Thank you Camryn! That means a lot - I do have a lot in my mind to work through. It seems easy in fully-accepting environments. I do struggle a lot with just being out in daily living and feeling like I'm not being "examined" and judged. It is getting better, but I really don't get out much yet, other than doctor visits and our group meetups. I'm still afraid of fluorescent lighting (giggle). But the HRT is really helping with the mental and the physical fears. You are right - we just have to relax and enjoy being where we are!!
Hi Brie, I have to giggle myself regarding feeling like I'm being "examined" and judged. I went to Costco yesterday with my new landlady and her daughter, who I work with. I was wearing one of my "crazy" wigs and my cheetah print flats, my long nails are also always "on display", so I was definitely attracting some attention and pretty sure I was being judged after the examination. But, as you say, we just have to relax and enjoy being where we are, and who we are!
My heart goes out to you Brielle, keep the faith. God can help you thru this.
Hi Roberta, thanks, GF!! I am in a decent place this weekend. Spent nearly 4 hours with a fellow-Erie Sister yesterday afternoon and went to a very lively and fun monthly group meeting last night! It gave me the boost I needed to get through the next couple of weeks' of moving activity.
I hope you are doing well in "Red Stick". Geaux Tigers!!
Thanks for sharing Brielle. You look great and your happiness shows through. Your story is so similar with so many others here even though most cannot transition our hearts are with you and support you.
Thank you so much Michelle! I hope some of my posts and articles don't discourage anyone that maybe can't or don't want to transition past where they are. I hope I can get across that we all are just fine where we are, and if someone wants to move further, I am here for them, but I'm also here for everyone else that just needs a little word of support on days when it feels like there is none.
You give a lot to this site also, GF! Keep doing what you do!!
Brielle, I sincerely believe your posts and articles are an inspiration.. for those curious to transition or dress 24/7 to be their true self your sharing your experience is so welcome… your writing telling “ like it is” is so well written… looking forward to your next installment on your trans woman journey warmest regards, Leonara
You are very brave and you look very content and natural as a woman!
Thanks Janet! When I'm dressed and taking selfies or out with a group, I do feel totally natural at this point.
Great, I don’t know where my journey will take me, but I sit at work wishing I was in a dress with hose and heels on. Probably going to go buy some makeup today and dress later.
Brielle, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife will be separated over the summer, but I can understand how she feels (I think all of us who walk this path understand that). I celebrate your path and journey ahead of you and wish I could do the same, but at this time in my life I don't have the ability to take the next steps like you have. I wish you every joy and happiness, even though the path ahead may still be rocky for you.
Hugs,
Holly
Hi Holly, yes I definitely affirm her feelings. I just have to get over my feelings of rejection- she isn't really doing that at all. She needs to feel safe in herself and that's best done with me in the background. I wish you joy and that you have the peace you need to be where you are.
Not everyone should or can move further towards the place I'm going. I will always affirm and support those who need or want to stay at their current level of gender awareness.I would never presume anyone should follow my path.
Thanks for the kind response!
Hugs,
Brie
Brielle. Thanks for such a personal story, that, hopefully, will help many trans women out there take the big step of transitioning, and congratulations on finding yourself and now fully embracing her. XOXO, Lynn.
Thank you, Lynn! You've been kind of like a big sister to me in terms of helping me feel comfortable in our local group. You've always been accessible, and Mya has also been so welcoming to everyone!!
Hugs,
Brie
Brielle,i am new to this Community and felt so touched by your story!!!!
Some of us go through life having hidden our true selves only for the mood to overtake us just as it has done with me!
At fast approaching 60,i have had no where near the barriers you have faced and i'm only a late developing CD!
However,Anna has been inside me for 40+ years but Brielle has been YOU for most of your life!
If only i can enjoy a rewarding life like you but for me,it will stop at the dressing and i am happy!
Love and Hugs from across the pond and the message is simple...enjoy life and being you......you're quite passable for a 66 year old haha!
Seriously,you're an inspiration!
Wait... for a 66 year old! LoL!! Seriously, thank you for such a warm reply to the article. That was the message I was trying to get across - we are all on a life-long journey of discovery and fulfillment. Some of us fall into their best life at an early age, some later. As long as we find some measure of peace and contentment we have done well!
Hugs,
Brie
Brieille l am 67 and in the same way l have been cross dressing for a long while now but my wife and all my friends do not know about this side of my life as she works and l am now retired.. l do not want to hurt her in any way and would love to tell her about my cross dressing. l want her to know but know she would not understand so keep it hidden.
Hi Tiffiny, I understand perfectly. I swore I'd take the secret to my grave to spare my wigfe and daughter from dealing with it. But nature will out and the plan changed!
I admire all who can keep it separate. I'm happy for my future, but wish it could be different in many ways.
Hi Brielle. Thanks for putting your story out there, as they say, better late than never, I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you rest at the place you dream of. X
I love this Brielle!! Thank you for sharing. It's amazing to hear such a similar story to what I am going through. Best of luck and much love!
Stef
