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I’ve spent most of my recent, and older life, thinking back on all those signs that I missed, and the ones I purposely avoided, ignored, took shots at, and begrudgingly followed. I’ve shared with you in retrospect what I hoped would be some commonalities to help you avoid similar pitfalls. I try to have fun as well as be serious when I write these blog posts. I find doing so is therapeutic for me, and hopefully, enjoyable for you. So… the person who received this letter is the young man I was at 18 preparing to head off to college, and the one who had a secret he didn’t understand.
Dear Sabrina,
I know the name on the envelope isn’t Sabrina, but somehow you know that it feels right. You hate it, and you want it. Someday, it will be Brina and you will be the Managing Editor of two websites… it’s the internet that you’ve just started to hear about; a place of magic and availability. You can search for, look at, and buy anything you can imagine, but most importantly, you’ll learn of the millions of people who are just like you. You are far from alone, not broken, and definitely not demented, sick, or going to hell.
I’m not going to tell you about your future because of some paradoxical twist that might endanger the entire cosmos… at least that’s what all the future movies will entail… oh how much you are going to love them. It makes today's “Alien” look silly. (What a franchise that develops from that movie…) I instead, want to talk about the signs, some you have already seen, and those to come.
The hardest thing for us to grasp is knowing the difference between identity and sexuality. Learning to see ourselves for who we are instead of how others believe we should be. It’s okay, more than okay, it’s nature and not dictated by purposely scripted explanations from all sources of so-called experts, historians, religious leaders, and dictators, all who strive for one purpose: to control the narrative and the people. You are a part of evolution and humanity. I wish that I could tell you that “Star Trek” and its message of hope will come to pass… in some respects, the world is better, but in many ways, worse.
What the world will bring is connectivity. The instant thread that exists between similar groups, the world, and the proliferation of knowledge (some manipulated, some false, and much free) at your fingertips. The reason you feel drawn to the “Sears” catalog and the ads for the women in their lingerie isn’t “just” a sexual feeling. You already see that sign. Something feels “off”, and you don’t know what that is. You know you should hate it and want to dispose of it for good. And… something inside of you is trying to offer a calming voice against the fear. Listen to it; the voice is yours. The more you try to separate the two and silence the one, the harder your life will be. It isn’t about judgment by others, or even persecution, denial, or abnormality. It is simply the fear of being you. I know the fear is immense, even possibly dangerous. The way forward isn’t through fighting but through understanding, and in finding a balance that you can grow in, find happiness in, and thrive in.
Secrets eventually come out. The longer you keep them, the more they eat away at you. Still, responsibilities, promises, and timing all play a part in when they are revealed, if not exposed first. My advice is to pursue the path of truth when it happens. The continuation of a lie to protect a secret will only cause more turmoil and anxiety. If you can share your truth upfront before being exposed, it may surprise you. We are our worst enemy. I look back and wish I had… but at the same time, my life is what it is now and so many parts of it I wouldn’t change. Those lessons, those signs that I saw but ignored, shaped me. I only wish to offer you more peace within yourself.
Choice isn’t always necessary, regardless of what society tries to make you believe. Only the extreme live on their convictions of rightness with disregard for other opinions. They are the loudest voice and many times those in a position of authority. It doesn’t make them or their ramblings the truth. You may not always be able to be you on the outside, but you can always be you inside. There is a spirituality in accepting one’s true “ego.” You are more than just your name, the physical form you see in the mirror, or the intellect you have, you are the love within your heart, the compassion shown to others (and yourself), the forgiveness, understanding, and empathy to others that makes you, you. None of them needs to be sacrificed for the other. The signs will lead you to where you need to be.
We know, but we refuse to accept. We forgive others but not ourselves. We love deeply and harbor self-hate. We want peace but refuse to compromise. There is enough war raging outside, let the never-ending battles within you find common ground. Find your path, your balance, and your "self!" Let others come to know the person you are.
Love,
Brina
While somber, the truths are still there. We are one person (I know some believe in the multiple spirits inside… not saying that isn’t possible) that is a major concoction of history, genetics, upbringing, present situations, and everything else. I will always promote the simple need to find your balance. I won’t, nor should others, tell you what you need to do. Instead, I will only suggest that you read the signs that are intended for you alone. It may help you avoid unnecessary detours…
Until next time…
The more you try to separate the two and silence the one, the harder your life will be.
Oh, how I love this phrase.
Thank you so much, Brina. Your story/letter touched me so much, so many similarities to much of my life. For myself I am so happy that I am now out to almost everyone. There is no stress in trying to hide Cassie from everyone. Being a woman to the world is what works now.
Thanks also for reminding me that everyone else is going through so many different situations and we are all going to a slightly different place. The thing is finding that balance between life and living life as we see ourselves.
Hoping you find yourself and where you need to go. Or maybe you are EXACTLY where you need to be for yourself and all of us around you.
Thanks, Cassie
Yeah, maybe. Only when I'm on my deathbed will I be able to answer that question, if then. The one thing that I haven't found is the point where I can say, yep, this is it, and I'm good here. That line has moved many times, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. For me, it would take moving completely away to a new place and seeing what unfolded. That may happen down the road, but not likely in the next 3-5 years. Thanks for commenting.
And once you learn to accept, you realize there's two versions of your life....
Your version....and everyone else's....
Only the former will make you happy....
/EA
@bmactavish Hi Brina, You have to touch me and I'm guessing most of the gurls in CDH. I wish I had received a letter like yours when I was in my teens. Please keep up your excellent writing!
Jamie
Thank you for the kind compliment. I would have loved the letter back then as well 🙂
Such a true and concise letter. Words the younger me would have needed for sure. Reading that early in life may have made my life much easier to deal with. I couldn’t have said it better.
Baily 🎀💁♀️🎀
Very insightful Sabrina. Are you sure you didn't write that letter to me?
Oh Brina! I'm tearing up once again, thank you for sharing your insights! Don't many of us who "heard" the call, wish we had "listened" to the call and answered it long ago!
Hugs,
Ms Lauren M
Hi Sabrina,
I love your well thought, insightful article.
Your words really struck home with me, ie: “The hardest thing for me(us) to grasp is knowing the difference between identity and sexuality. Learning to see ourselves for who we are instead of how others believe we should be. It’s okay, more than okay, it’s nature”. To grasp and accept my feminine identity, I needed help with Counseling.. which I have accepted and as you mentioned, “it’s okay, more than okay”. I just wanted you to know you are my inspiration and your articles help so many of us help us accept our true identity…
As always I thank you for taking the time to write ✍️ so many meaningful articles.
Best regards, Leonara 🌹
Very thoughtful Brina as there is so much that resonates with me too. Yes things could be different now at 18 but there are many different problems with the blurring of gender identities and sexualities. All we had to think of is were we transvestites or transsexuals, gay or straight. The latter I was settled with but the former was the bone of contention until that was resolved by the time I was in my 30's. As you say the internet opened the doors to information and answered questions which settled my mind and realised I can do this.From there it was fate, engineering and luck that got me to where I am today.
For me... it's kind of a win-lose situation for the younger. What they have for knowledge and support system in place compared to our lives, but the outward, and violent hate that permeates the world I think may be worse. I speak more to the ability of social media hate to be placed on us. There is always the threat of violence, but the anonymous and not so anonymous display is mentally damaging as is the sheep mentality that tends to drive sides. Thanks for commenting!
@bmactavish we have benefited from the internet and because we lived in a different era not bought up being glued to a mobile/cell phone and have a more disciplined and knowledgeable approach to all this media available. Once we had real friends now it is a virtual world with snakes that hide in the grass and bite. I am limited in what media I use as I have no interest in the garbage out there. I use it for my benefit and appreciate advancements as iy has helped my journey immensely. I don't spend much time on the phone when out as I am spending more time trying not to collide with those with their heads down looking at phones. Once someone talking out loud was considered a bit 'odd'. Nowadays it seems I am the 'odd' one....
"We forgive others but not ourselves."
So true Brina. We are always hardest on ourselves.
Great article.
Thank you for sharing.
While it is an interesting g discussion, I would not write any letter to my past self. I have seen how small choices, while not having "cosmic consequences," have had big impacts. Seeing the so-called butterfly effect in action, I wouldn't want to chance any changes to my past because of the ripple effect to me or those around me.
Rarely, has any movie with a time twist to it ever worked out for the best. That's why there is "Quantum Leap" 🙂
A beautifully written article Brina, and it has much resonance for me. Finally admitting and accepting myself - CD tendencies in particular - have been a great psychological lift that has helped me add "well adjusted" to my personal description at last. I hope your call to embrace this inner voice helps many. I know it has for me.
Sage advice! There are varying levels of living. Is anyone really totally happy and content? Kind of like is anyone truly all male or female? My biggest look back from the past is at how unhappy I was trying to "fit" and "fight" some of the best parts of me. I still don't feel quite whole and I may never, but I am a better and much happier person now that I know who I am or may be. Thanks for the comments!
Brina -
Thank you for such a thoughtful article. There is so much truth in what you have written.
Shortly after I came out to my wife, at her suggestion, I started therapy to understand my crossdressing. It has helped me tremendously in understanding who I am and that it is okay to embrace my feminine side. My dressing is an outward expression of that which I find comforting. How many times in therapy have I said I wonder how different my life would have been had I recognized this part of myself when I was younger. A question that will never be answered, however, I can and do embrace this part of me now and am happier for it. I am only out to my wife and therapist at the moment but just being free to admit to them that I am who I am is wonderful. As time goes on there may be others who learn of Suzanne, only time will tell.
Having this place to be able to share about ourselves with like minded souls is comforting in knowing we are not alone and it is okay to be ourselves.
XOXO
Suzanne
I appreciate your sharing. It would be great to see it in an article by you. There would be lots of inspiration for others. I think that is one of the main messages I try to get across to those who are fighting within themselves. You can't win in trying to rid yourself of that other part. If you manage to do so, you'll still sacrifice and not be a whole person, let alone a happier one. We think too straight-line at times. I have to be this or that; not true. We just have to be... Thanks for the comments!
Brina...just.Wow! I was so confused by my feelings and being 18 in the later 1960s without any concept that there were lots of people out there just like me was daunting. I struggled for decades trying to figure out just what I was. When I was in professional school, I'd go to the medical library to study and invariably wind up searching the psychiatric literature to try to understand. All that was available at the time was that crossdressing and the concurrent feelings were a diagnosable condition, aka, transvestite or transsexual. This just added another layer of guilt, self-loathing and disgust. Fast forward to the late 1990s when that information super highway came upon the scene and, HOLY COW! I wasn't alone! It still took me another 20 years to come to terms with myself with the help of a most wonderful counselor who helped me integrate Kathryn into my existence. And it helped that my wife accepted me for who I am. Will I ever live full time? Probably not but just being a whole person with 2 integral parts has made live so much sweeter! Thanks for sharing your story! Love, Kathryn
And thanks for sharing yours! Hopefully, some of those who are younger will read through the article and all the comments. That is what can help them see, and read, those signs much earlier than we did. It should help them and ease some of the stress.
Thank you Brina it can be a long slow walk to finding ones true self. I find myself on that long road and your letter is another sign of hope of becoming the woman I was meant to be.
Barbra
I think I received that same letter.
I do wish mine had come years earlier. Kind of my way of saying, "This is who you are and that is perfectly fine." Thanks for the comments.
Great article Brina,
So well written and insightful.
Many of us travelled this path for a lot of years believing we were alone with these type of feelings.
Nowadays of course, with the Internet we know otherwise, but just as someone else already mentioned, it still took me until very recently to come to terms with myself.
I’ll never be the finished article, but then, not many of us ever will.
I’m not out to anyone, and so a place like this where we can talk and read articles like this is just is SO important
Thanks again
Lucy
Thank you for sharing and the comments. It's important to me to let others know that it is their path and to walk it as they see fit.
