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I grew up in a nice family environment with an older brother. My personality is similar to my mother's. My mom is a calm, understanding, and loving type, and my dad is loving as well, but in a different way. He is also a strong and hard man. He is strong in his morals and beliefs and was hard on my brother and me when he felt he needed to be.
I remember as a young boy being drawn to girl's clothing. One of my first memories is at my grandmother's house wearing my aunt's black leather boots around. At that age, I'm sure it's normal for any boy to do that, but it felt different for me. I was drawn to them. I remember spending a lot of time in the bathroom trying on my mom's clothes. They obviously didn't fit, but it felt good to wear them. I was never drawn to boy's clothing like I was to girl’s clothing. I remember thinking how nice they looked and how nice girls looked in them. I would often wonder why boy's clothes weren't like that.
My mom often wore pants to work with knee-high stockings. When she got home, she would take them off and lay them beside the couch. When I was in elementary school, I would sit on the couch and watch cartoons in the morning before school. If my mom's stockings were still there, I would put them on under a blanket. I remember one morning my dad coming and telling me to get ready for school, and when I took the blanket off, he saw the stockings on my feet. He rushed over to me and started yelling. "WHY ARE THOSE ON YOUR FEET? TAKE THOSE OFF; THOSE ARE FOR GIRLS, YOU'RE NOT A GIRL, YOU'RE A BOY, BOYS DON'T WEAR THOSE." I remember crying and later being really scared and confused.
The feelings didn't go away. I was still drawn to girl's clothing, and I wanted to wear them, but I couldn't. I was a boy, and boys don't wear those. I couldn't help myself, though. What was wrong with me? Why was I like this? Was I supposed to be a girl?
I knew I couldn't let my dad catch me again, so I was careful about how and when I would do it. He was a career firefighter and worked 24-hour shifts, which provided opportunities. I also didn't know how my mom would react, so I needed to be careful so she wouldn't catch me either.
I wasn't careful enough because I remember her finding a pair of her pantyhose in my room. She asked me about them, and I think I told her something along the lines of liking to see women wearing them, so I put them on and looked at myself. Her approach was slightly different than my dad's. She told me not to wear them, brought me a JC Penny catalog, and told me to just look at the women in the catalog. I look back, and I think it was a cute and funny gesture.
After that, I started finding better ways of hiding things. It was mostly pantyhose because I felt my mom would definitely miss other items. Since she already found a pair of pantyhose, I was sure I would be the prime suspect.
Once I started puberty, another feeling arose. When I would dress and see myself, I would begin to get a sense of arousal. That just added to the confusion, and I would rip the clothes off in disgust because I'm a boy, and boys don't wear those. The feeling of wanting to wear them never went away. Once my hormones leveled out, the arousal feeling went away, and I felt more like myself when I dressed. I was starting to date girls, which offered opportunities to buy clothes of my own. Christmas was the best time because it would seem like I was buying a gift.
I raced BMX bikes as a young teen, and once I was in high school, I started my first job at a bicycle shop. Working there, I learned of road racing, like the Tour de France. In road racing, cyclist shave their legs (not for aerodynamics as many think). I was intrigued by this and decided to start racing road bikes. The thought of being able to shave my legs excited me. It made me feel a little bit more like a girl, especially when I would dress.
I remember my parents coming to my first race. I pulled off my sweatpants to get ready, and there were my silky smooth legs. I remember my dad asking my mom under his breath, "did he shave his legs?" and my mom replied, "they all shave their legs." I could tell he was bothered by it, but he never said anything to me about it.
I continued to race bicycles through most of my adult life, but not solely to shave my legs. I enjoyed the sport and was passionate about it. It didn't hurt the way my legs looked in a skirt and a pair of heels either.
Throughout my young adult years, the conflict of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I was like this and was I supposed to be a girl still rumbled inside. The feelings of wanting to wear women's clothes never went away. My dad's words still rang inside my head, though, along with the vision of the stern look on his face, "YOU'RE A BOY, BOYS DON'T WEAR THOSE."
After high school, I started my career as a firefighter, and on weekends when I wasn't working, I started going to clubs with friends. I loved the music and the people seemed to suit me. Drugs were a big part of the scene, and unfortunately, I fell victim to that and started using various types of drugs.
In the club scene, I did, however, meet a girl, and we started dating. We had some gay friends, and because of that, I felt she wouldn't judge me if I told her about this other side of me. I mustered up the courage and spilled the beans to someone for the very first time. She was interested in seeing me dressed, so I made her close her eyes while I put on my hose, a dress, and a pair of heels. I will never forget when she opened her eyes. She gave a little head nod with a slightly scrunched face and said, "oh, f*ck yeah!" That made me feel good, and I was relieved. I considered myself a freak with a dark secret and she was accepting and supportive.
One bad trait I had was insecurity. The drugs only amplified this, and if she was ever hanging out with her friends while I was working, I became very jealous and eventually ruined our relationship. I was a jerk and it was one of many regrets in my life.
Quite a few years later, I would eventually meet the woman I would marry. She pulled me out of the drug-filled world I was in and cleaned me up. We had a child together, but unfortunately, our marriage would crumble when, ironically, she became addicted to opioids.
I never told her about the other side of me. It sounds weird because she was the woman I loved and trusted, but I was never sure how she would react. I think I was more afraid of losing her than I was of what she would think of me.
She eventually found out by chance after we had separated. I had carelessly left a pair of shoes inside a bin in our closet. When she asked, I gave her a summary of my story. She wasn't understanding and would later try to use it against me.
After a few more failed relationships, I've lost the desire to date. The conflict still rumbles within and can be overwhelming at times. I have periods of depression that can last for weeks. I'm able to hide it and deal with it pretty well, though. I've never had any thoughts of harming myself.
I remember my mom telling me at some point in my life when she was pregnant with me; she had hoped that I would be a girl. I always had a feeling that I should have been a girl and would often wonder why I wasn't a girl. I don't think the questions of why am I like this and was I supposed to be a girl can be answered. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a boy, and boys DO wear those!
Thank you so much for reading my article and if you have any response to my article or if you'd like to answer one or more of the following questions.
- When you were a young boy, were you ever caught in the act of wearing feminine clothing by either one of your parents and what was their reaction?
- When someone you had a relationship with got the news you were a cross dresser, was there acceptance or non acceptance from that person?
- If you've been married for many years and your wife has no clue you are a cross dresser, what do you think her reaction would be if you came out of that cross dressing closet with the big news?
Thanks again for your time and responses!
Sincerely, Deni
@deni When i was young my aunt caught me wearing her dress. Her only reaction was to say quietly "If you want to wear my clothes, just ask first". I wish I had had the nerve to do that.
I was engaged and decided I had to tell her before the wedding. When I did her response was "I want a man, not a freak" and she broke the engagement. We never recovered.
Hi Deni,
I have no sisters, and went with my dad when the family split up, so I never had the chance to wear girl things, except once. When I was 15, I was visiting with my mom and brother, and I once tried on one of mom's dresses. My brother caught me, and I hid under her bed. And I remember wondering if I wasn't "supposed to have been a girl, but something went wrong". I suppress the urge to Dress throughout my adult life, until a few years ago, when the need to CD overwhelmed me. And I was very furtive about it, because I was a guy and guys "just don't do that" - or so I thought until I discovered cross dressing on YouTube and found CDH. I have since embraced my need to Dress as I have found that
Yes, guys DO do that...and it's OK.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Thanks for the comment, Bettylou. I was so happy when I discovered CDH. Everyone is so amazing and supportive. I'm so glad you are able to embrace it now.
Deni,
Great article and well-written, straight from your heart!
Sorry to hear the battle is still raging. I am not a professional in psychological areas, but it sounds as though you are still dealing with the cross dressing and how it fits into you life? Yeah, we have all been there and are there.
And you are a fire fighter no less, a manly-type profession. I am retired career military, also an alcoholic, sober since 1991. Later civilian career was with a federal regulatory agency.
Yes, how can we be 100% heterosexual, love women AND love their clothes too? The age old conflict and question for us CDs.
Then too, I fought the battle of spirituality, not religion but Bible-believing Christianity, a huge difference, for those who understand the difference.
Can I share? I try never to refer to my female-self as a separate entity and/or personality. My female-self is the female part(s) of my personality which must be expressed periodically by wearing clothing associated with the female gender in our culture. Peace, to me, is knowing I am one whole person.
My hope and prayer is your journey will be smooth and you will find peace.
Hugs,
Peggy Sue
Dear Peggy Sue,
"Can I share? I try never to refer to my female-self as a separate entity and/or personality. My female-self is the female part(s) of my personality which must be expressed periodically by wearing clothing associated with the female gender in our culture. Peace, to me, is knowing I am one whole person."
Thank you for sharing that because it describes me almost exactly. My female-self is just another aspect of my male-self. We share a body and a life together. After decades of denial I am now free to express my female-self. I doubt that I am ever going to be able to fully pass as a woman but I intend to exercise my right to dress as a woman because I self identify as both genders.
Warm hugs
Rowena
Rowena,
Truly an amazing place, CDH! We are alike in so many ways, yet, individually unique at the same time.
Peggy Sue
Thanks, Peggy Sue. Yes, I am still dealing with it. Quite some time ago, I accepted that it is who I am and that there was nothing wrong with me. It's a part of me that I still must hide from certain people, though. I never even considered going out in public until I joined CDH. Surprisingly, after about a week of being a member, I was overwhelmed with emotions I have never experienced before. Almost as if I hadn't dealt with it at all, and I was right back at square one trying to figure out who or what I was. I'm happy I am here, though. I have never experienced so much acceptance and support. Truly amazing.
"Thank you so much for reading my article and if you have any response to my article or if you’d like to answer one or more of the following questions.
- When you were a young boy, were you ever caught in the act of wearing feminine clothing by either one of your parents and what was their reaction?
- When someone you had a relationship with got the news you were a cross dresser, was there acceptance or non acceptance from that person?
- If you’ve been married for many years and your wife has no clue you are a cross dresser, what do you think her reaction would be if you came out of that cross dressing closet with the big news?
"
Thank you for sharing your story Deni.
Yes, I was caught wearing my sister's ballet outfit and humiliated by my mother when she caught me. I was ambivalent about her anyway because she was an abusive parent when she lost her temper which was all too often. Now I understand why she was like that but as a small child being beaten by an angry adult it was an unpleasant experience. I swore to never lay a finger on my own child and I never did.
When I told my soulmate there was both acceptance and nonacceptance. In essence yes, I can do it but she never wanted to ever see me wearing my clothes. Like you I loved her so I accepted that conditional acceptance. I wish that it had been otherwise but that was the agreement that we had.
We were married for 10 years before I told my soulmate. It was probably the scariest experience of my life because I was afraid that I would lose her. Her conditional acceptance was better than the worst case outcome.
If I was in that same situation now given how much has changed in the intervening decades I would be forthright when coming out with the big news. I would challenge the conditional acceptance as being less than unconditional love. You and I know that inside ourselves is a woman who needs to express herself. True love means allowing someone to become themselves and find happiness. A happiness that you want to share with your SO.
How can that be a bad thing?
Happy Valentines Day.
Rowena
Thanks for commenting, Rowena. That must have been so scary for you as a child. I definitely agree with you, true love is allowing someone to be themselves and find happiness. That can only be a good thing.
Hi Deni,
Great article, which I can relate, although I was an only child and my mother remarried was I was 11. My step father was gruff and basically thought I was too soft. Like many I over compensated by playing football and other activities.
I think my mother knew of my dressing and going into her clothes, but never said anything. Once when I was 18 and came home drunk one night, I closed the door to my bedroom and dressed in some sexy lingerie and passed out on my bed. My mother opened my door in the middle of the night which woke me up. She saw what I was dressed in, got nervous and closed the door. We never spoke about it until the day she died. I would also hide garments in my room, and although I thought they were clever hiding places, never knew if she found them. My step father never came into my room as far as I know.
In the first several months of dating my wife, I told her. She later confessed she almost ran away, but decided to give me a shot because I seemed like the most grounded person she knew. We have been together almost 38 years (married almost 34) and she has been very understanding and open, although we kept it a secret from our children.
Hugs,
Lisa
Thanks, Lisa. Wow, 38 years! That is so great. I wish I hadn't screwed up the relationship with the one person that was accepting and supportive of me. We live and learn, though. I hope you and your mom were at peace.
A very soul searching and personal article. I am sure many of us here have had similar, but not exactly the same, experiences. I too wore my mothers pantyhose on the sly, as well as her padded bras and shoes, when I could. I too had my stashed of pantyhose discovered and got subjected to "the talk". And I have had one marriage go to the wayside. Good for you to bare you soul like that and happy dressing for you in the future!
Thanks, Rikki. I think you are right, all of our stories are similar in a lot of ways.
Hi Deni....
Thank you for sharing... ❤
My mother caught me wearing a pair of her Granny Panties in my bedroom 'closet"... I was severely scolded.
Well.... I finally told my wife of 28 years (29 now... today is our wedding anniversary) last August of my escalating feminine side. Initially, she was taken back a tad.... wasn't sure what to think. She was amazed that I could keep it a secret for so many years... she had no clue.
She was partially accepting... she said "Whatever make you feel comfortable... do it". However she did not want to meet Genevïéve... no makeup, no hair, she was okay with panties and nail polish only. I was okay with that.
Six months later... she finally met Gen. Yesterday, Valentines Day, she did my makeup. Was in my comfies and I slipped my hair on... I'm still in disbelief that she has become 100% accepting of me. Is this only a dream ?
Before I told her... I wasn't sure how she would react... was hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.... I would have been devastated if it did not go well. It had to be done though. I couldn't hold it secret any longer. What a great weight it was off my mind and soul.
Peace and L❤VE
Gen ❤
Thank you, Gen. Happy anniversary! I'm so glad it turned out well for you. I know how good it feels to be able to experience your true self with someone. I just wish I hadn't screwed mine up
After literally over five decades of exploring my feminine feelings very few people know about Harietta. My ex-wife found out because some press-on nails were in the car. She objected and sent me to her psychologist. I went two times and lied that I was clear on the problem. I decided that I had to learn to accept and manage my love of dressing. I now dress incredibly well, with pro hair and makeup, but in infrequent but well managed episodes. It works.
I want to meet an accepting woman and to dress more with her. But I prefer to keep my secret.
A significant lottery windfall might change all of this.
BTW..dressing still makes me super horny and I love it.
Hi, Deni. Love your story. Me? I was in my lower teens when I found out that I loved to see pics of girls in bondage. I would go to a small store near me that had that some bondage magazines. I would secretly look through them. I began wondering what I would look like that way. When Mom and Dad weren't around, I would dress in some of Mom's clothes and try some self-bondage. I loved the way it felt. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I found two others with similar interests. We would dress up and tie each other. That is when I truly became larkin when dressed. In my mind, I was a different person when with them. As time passed, I met several men that enjoyed putting me in bondage as larkin. They treated me like a damsel in distress. To them and to me, I was a girl in the hands of a man. It is wonderful.
I can only offer a response to the last question. I’ve been married to my 2nd wife for 32 years. Turbulent to say the least. Since I have only scratched the surface of CDing, I’ve easily kept it a secret. I do believe if she found this out about me she would leave. And knowing her this way, I also believe she would use it as a wedge between me and my kids. I rarely get to the point where I want to risk that.
Thanks for the comment, Gwyneth. I know exactly how you feel. I feared the same about my ex wife leaving if she found out while we were married. I can understand the concerns about your children as well. I truly believe my daughter would be accepting, but she suffers from several mental health disorders, and I would never want to add something like that on top of what she already has to deal with. I know it isn't easy for you, but I'm glad you are here.
Dear Deni,
I grew up with a sister that I would wear her hose, heels, dresses, bikinis, lingerie, panties and bras when no one was home, and I had to learn the art of dressing and undressing before the family got home. I was never caught, but my sister would leave notes in her panty bra and hosiery drawer to keep out for whom ever it was. I secretively wished my sister and her friends would catch me and turn me into their personal dressing slave so they would not tell the family. Once I hit puberty it became harder because of growing much larger than my sister.
I always will remember the looking at girls from age 12 on and their fantastic fashions they were wearing, and wanting so desperately to wear them too. I was then, and I am still only attracted romantically to females. But what females have to wear is even a greater attraction I have taken the time to develop and refine for myself and life style. I even took time to befriend a retired Ex-Dominatrix to learn the art of make up application, the use of wigs and breast forms, the art of accessorizing my looks and outfits, womanly stances and movements, and body hair removal.
Deni I was a football player and state wrestling champion my senior year, and I wished I had taken the BMX route into bike racing. I had a military and law enforcement careers that extremely limited my cross dressing, so I understand the firefighter field and mentality. No drug usage or judgment of it from me. I had an 11 year marriage where I did not cross dress too, nor shared the desire to do so wit the wife and then ex-wife for the same reasons of fear of losing her. We had a son and daughter together though, and post divorce each child came to live with me as they turned 12. I had my wears and hid them and wore them when the kids were in school or at their mothers for visitation. when each child turned 18 they moved out son in the Army like I was, and daughter off to college and living at moms house to save on boarding. so that is when I went full time cross dressing.
I have been single and dressing for 14 years, and I just found a CIS-female that wants to enjoy and embrace it with me.
So this I am a boy, and a boy does not wear those. Has had similar experiences and growth as a cross dresser as you have. Right down to the thought of having been born a girl and the internal battle of this is not what a boy does and wears. Well guess what world this ma does and does not care any longer what you think; he is happier being her!
Sincerely Willa
Thanks, Willa. Sounds like we have very similar stories. I'm very happy that you have found someone that accepts and supports you. It gives me hope!
I have been caught by my mother and father to many times to count. I was once wearing my sisters panties and fell asleep ( i have three older sisters no brothers) my father came in to wake me for a fishing trip. he came in my room and pulled back the covers and said wake up sleepy head, and I was so exhausted i just wanted to crash, he started to laugh not mean but like a chuckle.he smacked my ass and said well these are cute, covered me back up and split. I did not realize I was busted. when I awoke from my haze i was like 6 or 7 i was like oh shit! he never mentioned it and never asked. my mother and my sisters would let me play dress up or if you will pretend time. all my life girls want to see me in makeup, wearing there stockings, panties ect. and you have to say no, they wont fit are you crazy? but deep down inside you love every minute of it. I could never pass as a girl I am 6'2" 236 and built like a fast forward (hockey) or a strong safety (American football) which both i have played. either it is something i project or girls are just freaks. lol for some odd reason 98% of girls want to see me in there garments
My dad was the same way as yours growing up and it was tough.He was nothing but a negative influence in my life.I am still lucky to have my Uncle John in my life.whom has been a positive influence in my life growing up.Him and my dad never got along.He was always on my dad how he treated me
I can't even imagine, Liz. That had to have been terrifying for you. My dad was actually very loving. I don't know how he would have reacted had he caught me again, but I didn't want to find out.
It was terrifying for me,ended up being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 13.Luckily my Uncle taught me a lot what my dad didn't do,mom was glad he did this for me.
You have an amazing mom. It seems like you are doing well with it now, I hope that is the case.
I grew up with two sisters and one brother and was always left home with my mom and sisters and I was good with that . My older sister wanted to be a hair dresser and liked working on me . Any ways if my father ever caught me he would of beat me up he did have some good names for me like little queer man and a few other names but never did catch me. When I was in high school I partied hard many nights I would come home and put something of my sisters on and pass out. Many times my mother would wake me up and be pissed and say get up. I would get up and put my sisters clothes back .My mother would be mad but never said a thing to me or my father . Like it never happened I was good with that . I came out to my wife about ten years ago we have now been married almost forty years. She never had a clue she was vary kind and understanding . It is nice to have her support . Today I am out of the closet and get caught a lot but that is what we need to do is to be seen . Maybe someday it will be alright to wear what ever makes you feel right . Lets hope so thanks
Hi Deni i can relate to everything you mentioned. My Father was a Lt Col USAF strick discipline . i got caught wearing things that i has stolen off a clothes line on the base where we were stationed. Punished severely . caught a second time i was sent to Physc's Doctors Etc. dad could not have a faggot cross dressing son around so i was sent to live with Grandparents on a farm in the Mid West. grandfather was told to make me a man !! work was hard farm chores but i would sneak in an put on my grandmothers girdles panties etc. But never stopped dressing. I had several girl friends , I met a very lovely woman. dated and got along really well. I was going to ask her to marry me but could not unless I told her about my dressing attraction. I told her about it and she accepted it and actually helped me dress. We enjoyed a very good 19 year marriage but I lost her to cancer in 1999. My two daughters do not know and they left and went to college . I lived alone dressed when I wanted to and basically went into the closet. BUT did do several professional transformations and went out on dates as " Elayne" my femme name . In 2004 following a traffic crash I met w woman who helped take care of me and helped during my rehab. She was extremely nice person BUT extremely religious . In 2009 we married and she does not know about my dressing at all. I dress when she travels to see her family or when Im traveling for my work. I know how she feels about TG people so i have to be in the closet for the rest of my life but I have accepted that. So On your questions i have been on both sides of the spectrum but still continue to enjoy my favorite thing in life , being my self in femme
Ted Edwards ( Elayne )
Thanks for the comment, Elayne. I'm very sorry for the loss of your first wife. Cancer is such a terrible disease. It's good that you have opportunities to dress, even though you need to keep it secret. I have similar opportunities. I'm single now, and my daughter is with her mom part of the time, which allows me to dress.
