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‘Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?’ were the opening lyrics to a popular song from the 70’s we have probably all heard and they lead me to think what is the real life and what is fantasy in the life of the cross-dresser? Looking at my own life, I could honestly say that cross dressing was the fantasy in my earlier years. It was certainly during a landslide of emotions that I started seriously for the first time. It was brought on by me trying to escape reality during a very difficult period of my life.
As a young adolescent my parents decided to move north into another country where I was far away from my friends and even the extended family that I knew. What made things worse was that the new school I attended soon became hell for me as I was soon verbally attacked by the students on a daily basis. As a young man I was not even sure what half of the words that the other children used meant and, to be honest, as a middle aged man I still struggle to know what some of the vile things I was subjected to meant. Still there I was, suddenly friendless and alone. Things continued as my grades plummeted and school attendance dropped as I was continually bullied verbally and periodically physically. I spoke to my parents and they told the school. However instead of things stopping they just got worse. Now everyone joined in and I got to my breaking point, contemplating running away right up to suicide. ‘I was just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him is life from this monstrosity’.
There was however no escape from this apart from when one day I stayed home and tried on some of my sister’s clothes. In time I remained at home almost every day and even learnt my father’s signature to forge letters excusing my extended absences from high school. Abbie was born she was far more confident than her male counterpart and lived in a place well away from the thunder and lightning of the bullying at school (which was very very frightening). Soon though the reality of life became a fantasy and living as Abbie went from fantasy to reality. I found a place where I was safe and comfortable. I got no sympathy from anyone at the time, all I had was the escape that was being Abbie. The thoughts of suicide disappeared and in time I embraced her not just in the home but outside as well. I would wear some less obvious female clothes such as my sister’s jeans to school and in essence left behind the bullied boy and enjoyed being a little more confident person. No matter where the wind blew against me she remained and became a constant in my life and made it far more bearable. I was able to stand against the bullies and take what they threw at me. In time they eventually stopped and went to torture some other poor unsuspecting soul.
I was glad they had given up; maybe it was down to Abbie being there and standing against them as I never could have. Most people look for a knight in shining armour but there wasn’t one for me. There was a confident young women who stood with me and helped my life seem far more bearable. She was a protector from those spitting in my eye and those that pretended to love me but would leave me to die.
She got me out of those places and helped me not feel as alone as I did, I knew that I would never be alone ever again.
No matter what has taken place in my life, whether for good or bad she has always been there in the background or right now the foreground, watching over me like a guardian angel; always willing to help and able to step in at a moment’s notice to deal with difficult situations that I have found myself in.
My life is certainly complicated as I slowly discover the different facets or parts that make me who I am. Sometimes I think that I am stark raving bonkers and completely out of my head, but then I realise that I am the sum of my experiences, good and bad and they have moulded me into what stands today against the winds that blow. I am still learning about myself and that means I am also still learning about the angel that has been there with me.
I have gone from trying to get out of here to realising that it does not matter at all, nothing really does so long as I accept myself.
There is still some way to go, but I know that anywhere the wind blows in life I will be able to come to terms with it.
Abbie, what a wonderful heart felt story. Sorry your childhood was not very pleasant however finding Abbie sounds like a Godsend. I think back about my childhood and wished I had done things different, who knows maybe my adult life would be so much better. I shouldn't complain to much because I do have a wife who loves and two kids who I adore. I do wish I can dress the way I want to dress everyday. I am a Trans just dying to get out. Oh and that song, one of my favorites. I am a big Queen fan.
Hi Abbie,
As I read your article, I could hear the tune to Bohemian Rhapsody playing quietly in the background of my thoughts...I love that song for all it means and all it could mean 🙂
If people could only understand that our feminine persona is the guardian angel (or the female warrior) who makes us stronger, who makes us better, who opens our eyes and hearts, and who saves and protects us. She is a strong part of us, so strong that trying to keep her hidden sometimes feels like an battle within.
Your article is timely - for the last few weeks, my female warrior has been trying to unleash herself and show the world that she is the force behind me. It was her courage that ended up in me wearing flats out to dinner with my wife and family, though none of them even seemed to notice. It was her adventurousness that got me to wear skinny jeans paired with boots for the first time, while dressed unquestionably feminine.
Sometimes i wish this wasn't real life, where such a question exists about why we wear women's clothes and shoes. I don't really get why most people care - it's who we are and what we do that should matter more. I find strangers care less than loved ones, yet loved ones feel so "offended".
Thanks to your feminine side, you're here today to share with us. More and more I hear of how suicide has tempted many CDs growing up. I feel sad to think how many wonderful lives might be gone because the world was so cruel to young CDs and trans youth. Reading your article made me happy to hear that there is one more life saved by a beautiful angel.
Thanks for sharing - your post means so much to me, especially this week.
- Lea
Abbie - What a great telling of the difficulty of growing up, for all of us. I too find that April is much more confident than my male alter ego. I think it may be because If I have the cojones to go out as April I feel pretty bulletproof. I've already said to the world I don't give a s*** what you think of me. I think in some ways our feminine personas can be like a shield we can use. And I loved the lines you pulled from Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nice piece.
Hugs,
April
Abbie,
Love the article hun! You could be speaking about any one of us! The mark of a good writer in my mind is to take personal experiences and apply them universally while at the same time making the reader feel that it's about herself! An you did that divinely here! thanks so much for sharing your story!
Cyn
Hello Annie honey goodness your life sounds so much like mine in many ways although I never left the U.S. and my name changed a few times in fact I'm still not sure this is the one I'll keep I like the song but never really identified with it completely I think I feel more like just a princess LoL maybe it's all the man bashing I heard as a child growing up with 6 females and I was the only boy and the baby in the picture I used to get beat up often enough never really understanding why at the time we did however move from state to state a few times lastly to Oklahoma the Bible belt buckle I think football fanatics it seems stupid to me personally but then most sports do I'm a guitarist myself so I kinda got into all music looking to escape from this reality I guess if course I found myself escaping into my true self too more and more my mom remarried when I was 11years of age we just never hit it off he was always picking at me in someway verbally no name calling just threats at times he did break my nose later on my life has been a roller coaster ride I'm pretty sure I'm trans too I got married at a young age she fell in love with my heart first and I tried to hide my true self but I could see it wasn't working so I tried to be honest with her and lost her as well as a son at the time I thought he was better off without me I had no idea how to raise a son never having a father myself really I truly loved them both so much but she was being told all the usual crap that wasn't true I did dress but that was all my 4 sister's all had counseling for hating men except me I hated them too except I was going to grow up and be one and I didn't like the idea yes I was physically but not between my ears I had help early on I ran into some girls who turned me into the girl I felt I was very young I guess it stuck LoL tea parties or T parties my brains kinda messy these days my ex wife came back to me she did love me but my son was taught to hate me for choosing a dress over him not by her but her brother anyway halfway through our second marriage she got sick almost 6 years later after much heartache for both of us she passed away from illness I cared for her myself all that time with our son giving us both hell message entire time it still hurts so bad at times but I know I've got to move forward it did cost me a part of my mind I guess I'm disabled now somewhat toothless after a pistol whipping from my son trying to get me to leave her at the beginning of her illness which was made worse by the pistol whipping she thought he killed me and she snapped after losing her mom brother and father in about a year then my oldest sister then me or so she thought I never really got her back completely on hold all this makes sense I'm a mess LoL anyway thank you for your article Love Maria
Ok sorry Abbie not Annie stupid auto correct or rewrite is a better description Love Maria
Like yourself abbie i was bullied i was called a sissyboy as i found myself hanging around with girls but this was normal for me as i enjoyed the same things they did..i would joke to my friends "girls" about what i would look like in there clothes etc in the hope they would dress me up..i had a secret place were many of my friends old clothes were which i had hidden...in my early twentys i had a collection of clothes shoes makeup which i would dress up in when my parents were out..i met a girl and have been with her for 10 years but infortunately her stuff is too small however when the www came it brought my old world back to life and i order clothes high heels and everything i desire without fear or favour...im so close to opening up to my girl but i fear it would end what we have together...im confused,fearful but wishing i could be accepted...sorry if this post is in the wrong forum im new to this site xxx
Wonderful story Abbie . I still remember those days in High school where I was the one being bullies everyday so yeah I can relate. I am glad you found your guardian angel to help you through life. Stay strong gurl .
Abbie,
Like so many of us we have had to deal with the many stresses and pitfalls that life has to offer. I have led a life of great responsibilities and stress. Knowing of my other side has given me calmness, strength and peace. Being able to dress is a great curative and is a better treatment than drugs, alcohol or therapy.
Pat
Wow Abbie, what a story, I teared up when reading it. My journey was different, I was not bullied. For reasons I will never know Angela has been part of me for as long as I can remember. I started dressing at 6 because the urge was just there.
Agree with the other girls, our female selves are our protectors and warriors, certainly true for me.
I am glad Abbie has made you the woman you are today.
Hugs and kisses, Angela
Abbie such wonderful article as Skippy said it could be any one of us girls it has brought tears to my eyes as I read your article with memories flooding back too what I have and keep trying to suppress . For me I am the second oldest of six brothers and four sisters. I remember going to a basketball game in northern Wisconsin my dad dropped me off two miles away pinned my arms too my side kneed me so hard I feel to the snow covered ground. I still do not know if it was the pian or being upset and crying that made me vomit.
Never did make it to the game. Just eat snow and rinsed my mouth out set in snow back for a long time. Melissa was there we walked home the six and half miles thinking over what he said as he walked away ( may be that will fix the problem) I joined the army four years later in 1978 he told my mom that would make a man out of me .
Well that is some other time. Melissa is still here and like you ladies said it is my strength and has brought me bouts of contemplating suicide. Thank you all for your articles.
Lots of hugs and kisses to all you wonderful ladies the support is so wonderful.
I need to start having conversation with you all still trying to figure out how I still am not very computer wise.
Love to all you
Hi Abbie,thanks for that,it brought tears to my eyes as I could so relate to it ,bullied at school,finding Antonia,and finally been me,now I live full time as Antonia with no partner but two wonderful daugthers who except me as me
Abbie, thank you for sharing and glad to hear you sound strong and more confident. Lately I've been wondering if we would be the same person we are if we grew up somewhere else, but unfortunately bullying is universal. I'm still developing confidence in my true self which is more feminine than male, but being in a tough environment like New York is not easy to get confidence in being outside dressed, im working on it. We all go at our own pace and listen to that girl/lady inside us to do what truly makes us happy.
Babies,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It helps.to hear what others have gone through as I still struggle to figure out exactly who and what my femme side is. It seems that your experience has made you that much stronger...good for you girl.
