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It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our desire, this need to feel or present as feminine. Whether it is occasionally, regularly, fully, or partially. For some, their fem persona is the opposite of their male persona. For others such as myself, the only difference is in what I am willing to talk about. I am a shy, introverted male, and I’m still a shy introvert wearing a cute dress.
Many of you are like me and have searched the internet for advice and success stories. One of the more frustrating parts; we will find stories that support every desired outcome. You will find the ones with a very supportive spouse, family, and friends. You will find many more with angry, hurt, and confused spouse, family, and friends.
I have told a few people in my life. One friend (female) who I actually saw. One female friend who is just an online acquaintance. They were both positive about it. The one even gave me several articles of clothing. When my wardrobe outgrew the bags it was in, I told my mom. Mostly because she had used my spare room for storage, and I did not want her stumbling on my collection. It went about as expected. She wasn’t happy about it, but it hasn’t changed our relationship.
I have told some women whom I wanted to date. The first one was a long-distance relationship. She saw some pictures. She also seemed supportive. Another I told on our first meeting. It turned out her uncle is a CD. We never met again. The last person I dated I told before we met in person. I did my best to let her decide when she wanted to see any pictures or ask any questions.
It went fairly well. One night she did my makeup. A few weeks later we went to see "Rocky Horror Picture Show." It was all good, or so I thought. I’m probably like a lot of you in that my desire bounces back and forth between strong and weak. Sometimes, I can go months without dressing. Sometimes, it’s all weekend long as time permits. After the outing, I was in a strong desire mood, and I think pushed it too far. I don't think that was the only reason for the relationship ending, but it did not help anything.
A few months ago, I had some phone dates with a woman since Covid-19 had everything shut down. I told her and it was a flat-out deal breaker for her. When, if, and how to tell is a difficult decision. What we want today can be completely different than what we want even a month from now, much less years or decades from now. Of course, there are the other factors of being able to pass, our attitude, and to what degree we strive to achieve.
One of the main keys is to first know ourselves. Why we do this. What we hope to get out of it. The other thing is trying to put ourselves in another’s shoes. The chances are she is attracted to masculinity, just as we are to femininity. She is not going to be happy to see her man all dolled up. There might also be and insecurity that she isn't the pretty one.
How would you feel if you came home and the beautiful woman you fell in love with had her head shaved, a beard, and was doing everything possible to appear masculine? There’s nothing wrong with that either, but we need to be honest with ourselves and consider how it would feel. Would we be turned off? Would we feel hurt that she kept that hidden? Would we be concerned that she wanted to change everything about her life? There is no right, wrong, or even consistent answers.
First, we need to truly know ourselves. Second, we need to seek to be around others that we can fit with. If you are already paired with someone, you must decide which you want more and what are you willing to give up getting it. The only thing that seems consistent is that building a relationship on lies or hopes that she will change do not often work out well. All we can do is hope for the best and seek our perfect fit.
Shannon, well said. I told my wife after being married 20 years out of guilt, fear of being caught and the hopeful desire to dress more. She took it “well” and we are still together. She has a general “don’t ask don’t tell policy” and I’m generally ok with that. It could have been much worse.
I too remind myself frequently about your point that what if I came home to my beautiful wife all masculine and such what would I think and how would I accept it. I wouldn’t like it too much. In the recent past I would encourage my wife to dress more feminine and sophisticated but she wants nothing of it. She tells me “Don’t try to change me” and “ this is who I was when you met and married me”. I see her point. The main difference is that I knew who she was while dating but she did not fully know who I was. That’s probably my biggest regret, not telling her early in our relationship. So, I guess I can’t force the whole dressing thing too much considering she has stayed with me and “accepts” it as part of who I am. Life is good.
Good to hear that it is going at least fairly well. Hopefully it can stay that way or even improve for both.
Hi Shannon thanks for sharing your story with us x I'm a mature closeted cross-dresser I've been one on and off all my life, my biggest regret is that i never told my wife before we got married, i just wish i had the courage to tell her from the start, I'm still in the closet to her as I'm so afraid of the consequences of what she will do, we have been married for 48 years now and I'm sure she will think I've betrayed her by not telling her the truth, I'm not proud of myself for keeping this secret from her i don't think i will ever tell her,
Rozalyne x
I can only imagine that is a tough position to be in. Hope the best for you.
Hi Shannon,
Some very insightful thoughts you have put down. I am 61 and have been a closet CD since I first discovered the joy of wearing womens clothes. I did not tell my first wife until after we were married, and that did not go over well...Rikki was banished to the back of the closet until ultimately we divorced. I was up front with my current wife, told her when we became serious..she is not totally comfortable with seeing me dressed, but she if ok knowing that I must have my moments. The one thing I can say about it all is that it is much much better to have someone you love know about your dressing instead of having to hide it....I am much more comfortable with myself, knowing she knows.
Shannon, wonderful article. I told my now wife on our first date. She accepts Angela as a part of the human she chose to spend the rest of her life with. Sometimes she is more accepting than others, but she knows she is part of me and that provides me with a clear foundation of truth in which to build our lives together. I think we all need to be honest with ourselves and the people who we value on our journey of discovery of our true selves. There is so much in this world which is fake, plastic, and made up of half truths that building relationships on that type of foundation is fraught with future catastrophic events. It is hard, it is scary, and it has been slow for me to share Angela with my family and friends, but I keep moving forward because it is who I am, it is my true self. It is just the way that I find that need to build my foundation to survive and truly enjoy life.
The other side of your post, if my now wife said she wanted to present more as male; I actually think I would be Ok, but I would cherish her understanding of my need to base my life in truths rather than half truths.
Nice to see such an open understanding couple. For better or worse there is no right or wrong in our feelings and attractions. Sounds like you are lucky to have found a good fit.
Shannon....
That is an Awesome article. Well said!!!
You are very brave telling your dates that you enjoy dressing up. However, if out in the open, you would be able to be 'Shannon' more often. It must be euphoric to have a GG apply your makeup... or at least, help. I would love for my SO to do my makeup for me...
I'm 56 and have been married (to a GG) for 28 years. Although separated now, my SO doesn't know that I dress up (fully). Just recently I've told her that I enjoy wearing panties for the comfort. Of which, she is cool with.
A few weeks ago I spent two weeks at her place. I wore my panties and also put on some clear nail polish. I didn't tell her that I was going to put on the nail polish, however I'm sure she noticed. Nothing was said though.
It would be awesome if she knew that I dress up (fully). However she would be hurt and confused. Don't think she would be angry, just a bit taken aback. I 'know' she wouldn't like me getting all purdied up. Sooooo..... it's best not to go any further with how much I CD.
I don't want to loose her companionship for the sake of 'fully' coming out to her.
Gen
It kind of sucks that we have to make those choices. Hopefully what you can do is enough or maybe someday she will come around to enjoy more.
Shannon thanks for sharing your experiences. I told my wife years ago and she absolutely hated the idea that I like to cross dress. I believe she knows I still dress from time to time and is okay with it as long as I do not talk about it with her nor bring up the subject. We have been married 38 years now and I have learned to dress when I can and make the most of that time I get to spend as Janice. I also thank you for adding the perspective about her dressing as a man. It would most definitely throw me off for a little while, but I would like to think that I could accept it.
Shannon, you have made many good points in your article. It’s not an easy thing to come out to new people, but there is a lot to be lost coming out after the relationship has begun. I am in that position and I wish I had been truthful in the beginning. As it stands, my wife has “caught” me a couple of times. Finding clothes or websites. When I try to talk about it, an argument ensues. I’m not willing to give up my family to be alone and miserable. I spent too much time like that. So Marlie lives in the shadows and peeks out from time to time. I agree that we need to know our true selves and move drom there. Sometimes, most times, it’s not the answer we want, but the one we have to live with. Love to you for being open and honest!
Marlie
Ahh, if only it was that perfect world we all dream about. Life would be so much easier 🙂
Shannon thank you for posting your story. I am 71 and will be married 49 years next month. I told my wife after 10 years of marriage. She had found something which I could have explained away but I was tired of lying. I tried to stop for a few years and almost committed suicide. The keyword in my life is Balance. I have a large family and love them all. I get out enfemme 2 or 3 times a month. My wife wants nothing to do with my femme side. I love going out enfemme. I have many TG/CD/TS friends. I have accepted that my wife will have nothing to do with my femme side. Good luck. The world is changing and maybe you will find a woman who will accept your femme side.
Yours Terri
Yeah. Sometimes we have to accept what is and find the best way to work with it. Good to see that you have found a workable balance.
I loved your article and can totally relate. I will never tell my wife that I crossdress, it would crush her and destroy our marriage. I will be contented to dress up in private and be girly when I have the opportunity. I do want to dress more, not less, and would love to dress with another crossdresser. I don't consider myself to be a Cheater, or Gay, but if the opportunity to have girlie time with another crossdresser arose, I'm not sure I could restrain myself. Your very very pretty.
