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We had to be alone. To hide it. For most of us we were children. Aloneness didn’t feel good. Neither did the anxiety or depression if you were genetically inclined. The guilt we felt after cross dressing wasn’t warranted. What we needed desperately at that time was to be LOVED and ACCEPTED; Period.
Did you live in area where there were seasons that were dark, cold, gloomy and wet? There were too many negative feelings going on inside ourselves. We so badly needed to feel good. So we would sneak into our sister’s or mother’s bedroom drawers to take some items of clothing to take to the bathroom and lock the door behind us for that comfort we needed. The fabrics, so new, so soft and silky brought instant relief. Out of the sadness and aloneness came pure joy and happiness. That simple act of dressing not only took our breath away it put a smile on our faces and everything felt right again. At least for a while. Little did we know that it would become our lifetime drug. Or was it just revealing for the first time our true selves? We would need these new found feelings of happiness and contentment if we to survive going into our future adulthood and all the life stresses that were to come. So how could this be bad for us? The cross dressing I mean. The answer is, it is not and was not. It wasn’t wrong! We weren’t harming anyone. Oh Lord God, I just wanted to feel good if only for a while. Tears are welling up in my eyes now as I write this. I am 73 years old and I missed it. To live more my authentic self.
More than ever in today’s world we need the understanding of all people that the harmless act of dressing up was in fact hard wired into us. It wasn’t our fault.
I realize now when I look back the deeper reason for being so attracted to the “Pretty Girls.” was because I needed to be with them. Why? To be close to their femininity. Because that was where my happiness and sense of being was. Of course when we were in junior high and high school we didn’t understand this. All we knew was that we loved girls.
Then in adulthood I started noticing the more wonderful details of the beauty of the woman. Maybe it was the pretty nail color she wore or the dangling little earrings. And omg, those beautiful eyes! Or the way she looked as she put her hair up. We just couldn’t get close enough. So we had to emulate that to be more complete inside ourselves. But now of course we have that dual life to live. Unfortunately, the hiding of your true self continues to bring the shame and guilt. But please remember girls, it wasn’t your fault.
Forget all of this for just a moment and look around. We see so many other people around that are experiencing far greater life stresses than we are. Spousal abuse would be the first that comes to my mind. And we think that when we have to tell our wife's that we love women's clothes and all the pretty things that go with it is such a terrible thing?
Not only has our cross dressing eased the pain of loneliness and depression it has brought us so much joy. And that joy girlfriends is what we can give to others as we go through our lives. It’s an authentic joy because we realize it’s truly a part of ourselves. So please, be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article. Please feel free to leave any response you would like to leave pertaining to my article or feel free to respond or to one of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- Did you ever get caught by your mother, father, older sister or brother while you were cross dressing at an early age? And if so, what happened?
- If you had been married and your wife didn’t know about your thrill of cross dressing, how long did you wait to tell her or did you simply get caught by your wife while cross dressing?
- Have you gotten through all of the guilt or shame you had earlier in life about your cross dressing by now?
Sincerely, Rochelle
@laci So I’ve read that it’s in us from the beginning. The desire to sneak into mom or sisters room and try on a pair of panties or pantyhose in my case. This is a great article as I went through all of these feeling of guilt and shame thinking I’m the only guy who likes this. No one to turn to and just try to get through this feelings.
To answer your questions no I never actually got caught “borrowing” things from either of them but often wondered if they could tell someone was going through there drawers. Most women are very alert to this. How could my sister not notice some of her pantyhose missing when I got brave enough to keep pairs or put a run in them.
I didn’t tell my wife before we were married but she did know of my pantyhose “ fetish” I’ll call it very early on in our relationship. I came out to her some 17 years later even after a few close calls when leaving something out on occasion for her to find it. I found a way to talk myself out of those situations .
As for the guilt and shame I’d say yes I’m over it after years of struggling with it and some counselling and my wife supporting and even encouraging at times. I’m at the point where this is me like it or not. Which of course I truly do love this side of me and wouldn’t change it for the world.
Thank you so much Rochelle, you are so spot on. It isn't our fault! I hope that others here on CDH will take you story to heart and feel comfort with what you said. I never did get caught by my family, and I was married for 7 years before I told my wife and it didn't go very well. Here 37 years later it's much better and we talk much more about my love to be in dress, I think time and respect for each other have helped that and being a member of CDH has helped me open up to both of us. I never have felt shamed or guilty about dressing, I just never felt accepted.Sherri
Thanks Sherri for your comments. You are right about the time and respect for one another really needs to take place. Unfortunately some of us don’t get the chance to experience that.
Hi Rochelle -- Great femme name , BTW! Thanks for sharing your feelings and experiences. They resonate powerfully for many of us. Though I don't think I was actually caught when I was younger, I was more "mature" when I came out to my wife (went well). Getting to meet other trans/CD's and wives/SOs has really helped her and us.
Hi Rochelle, — great femme name After I came out to my wife it didn’t go well either. Understandable. However over time and presenting her all the information I could on the subject she understands and accepts. Of course with limitations. But that acceptance from her is so key for me to accept myself.
Oh, Rochelle! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You captured the deepest feelings and emotions of so many of us special girls! I can feel the tears welling up inside me, too! We ARE good, and special, and lovable, and worthy, and normal! In fact, I believe in our femininity we are in fact holy and sacred to God! I wish I could be with you, to hold each other close, to share these tears, and to reassure each other of our goodness. You are so completely right - it is NOT our fault! God made us as we are, and a good and loving God cannot make anything that is not good and loving as Himself/Herself! Maybe someday others will understand! Maybe someday others will accept and embrace us for the goodness inside us, in spite of what clothing we wear, or how we style our hair or apply our makeup. Your article was a total gift! As girls, we are those sweet and loving gifts to others. Someday the world will be grateful for the special, pretty girls we have always been.
with loving hugs, and tender kisses,
Stephie
I couldn't agree more with you. This is how God made us, and I believe being in touch with both sides is a blessing alot of people couldn't understand, and in my opinion are missing out on a great experience.
Rochelle you said it so nicely. I can still remember the smell of a little girls linen dress I wore when I was 6 or 7 playing house with her like normal. But my parents did not see it that way. Such a mirror of myself and you wrote it so nicely. No more shame or quilt. For now I have a feeling that I never knew existed let alone possible and I am loving me. Love. Janice.
Rochelle, this article really touched me. I started experiencing seasonal depressions (known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD) starting in my teens...around the same time I discovered my sister's magical silky intimates. They provided brief spark of relief followed by massive guilt and shame. Only now at age 63 have I come to accept this need for feminine expression as a vital aspect of my identity, although I do still struggle with it from time to time.
So the article resonates with me on many levels...and I will bookmark it because I think it would be quite useful helping others understand, especially for those coming out to SOs). Thanks again for writing.
Big hugs,
Mona
Mona, On one hand I am glad it did resonate with you. On the other hand I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with SAD. And I know all to well about the guilt and shame. I hope over time we can reach more people about the suffering. I don’t know how we could have coped without acting on our feminine side. Like you said, it is vital that we somehow over time accept our need for the feminine expressions as it part of our identity.
Thanks again so much for your response. And I hope you are still deep in the “Pink Fog”
Big Hugs to you,
Rochelle
Oh Rochelle,
Thank you so much for these beautiful words. They are so very close to the hearts of so many girls like us. How can we make others understand that we want exactly what everyone else wants-to be loved and accepted for our whole selves. It sounds so simple but so often it isn't.
Even at 52 years I still have enormous difficulty accepting myself because I am a crossdresser. How can I expect others to? How can I put more on the plates of my loved ones? It has caused me to live my life in a well-masked state of depression. Your sweet words have given me a moment of comfort and hope. You write beautifully. Thank you again.
-Jen
I can tell by how you wrote that response that you are a high feeling person with a huge heart. You bring up such great points in the struggles that we have. Living life in a well- masked state of depression? Check. The enormous difficulty of accepting ourselves? Also check. And thank you for the compliment on writing. I don’t have any training but sometimes things just pour out of yourself. Stay well Jen, many hugs, Rochelle
I was caught early on by my mother and not only punished but humiliated in front of my father for it. Now I know that plays into very sexual feelings I have about a number of things that involve discipline, humiliation, crossdressing. My wife had no idea when we married and it was about 30 years before I was in a compromising postiion and I had to tell her and show her a picture I had sent to someone. It didn't go well. Now she understands I can't help it and she allows it, but she doesn't want to see or participate.
My gosh Colleen, I am so sorry you had to endure that. Those kind of things can set our lives up for a lot of misery. At those young tender years we need the opposite of humiliation and rejection. Our parents might mean well but actually they are destroying any chance we may have of developing self esteem. If you have no self esteem, if you are not loved and accepted then you have life going forward is difficult at best. Thank you for the reply to my article.
You are right about the hard wired into our being, I went to counseling and hormone testing to see what was the reason for my crossdressing addiction, I have escalated levels of female hormones, which were brought on by an early life trauma, prenatal to be precise, when my mother was 5 and a half months pregnant my father pushed her out of a car doing approximately 35 miles per hour, it was said we were both lucky to have survived the ordeal, I am happy to be here regardless of tendencies I have today, I tried to suppress my inner self only to feel like I was alienating my true self, I still have moments of guilt regarding dressing, but I would rather be true to my innerself than to pretend this is not me, it is me and I have come out to family but there are some friends I don't think would understand. It was nice to read your post, most of the support gained is through this medium for me as family is mixed on this subject.
Great and well written Rochelle. And some relevant questions at the end. In answering the last question, the guilt and shame were removed long ago, when, as an adult and through life experiences figured out that it isn't a bad thing as long as I'm not pushing it on others, and ignoring the rules and expectations growing up as a youngster and Catholic. I would see all the girls and their mothers dressed up so beautifully in their dresses and skirt outfits wishing I could be in them, seeing their slips occasionally was exciting and even further wanting to dress in such lovely clothes. So I started dressing in my mothers Sunday best, dresses and skirt outfits, party dresses, nylons and underwear, it was even better than I ever could have imagined, It was so exciting , thrilling, invigorating, it was comfortable and made me so calm yet scared to be found out. My mom said she suspected/knew on a couple ocassions, 1) when I put runs in her nylons, even some brand new ones,(I was so careful after that and learning by my mistakes to be gentile putting them on and taking them off 2) One time as a young teen I got to excited and tried to clean up the evidence, though she never said anything at the time, she knew. 3) not putting things back precisely as she had purposefully placed things in such a way she would know when I was in her things, (including her long haired wigs) and the same for things in the laundry or dresses, skirts that needed to go to the dry cleaners, because I figured I was really safe dressing with those things that NEEDED laundering/dry cleaned! 4) was when a neighbor said they saw her walking one night when it was really me venturing out for one of the first times with limited makeup, her dress and she wasn't home during that evening.Being married wasn't that easy dressing in her clothes, raising, coaching, taking kids to their functions practices, work, knowing neighbors wouldn't be accepting as the schools, coworkers etc. But going thru the divorce I let her know and she was missing some dresses and skirt outfits that I had bought her as well as much lingerie. Never married again but dated here and there but much rather be true to myself as Jessica, and for decades almost every paycheck I would buy one outfit, dress, skirt outfit, heels, boots, jewelry, wigs, breast forms, perfume, makeup, everything a girls needs and doesn't! Now I go out shopping, bars, church, parties etc To come full circle, I've become that girl/women I've always wanted since those early days in church, I have hundreds of dresses skirt outfits, slips, shoes and boots and so much more. I LOVE the woman I've become and cherish every moment, No regrets and will take that to the grave -I am a happy happy girl!
This article is me. I had the attraction to high heels and dresses since first grade. I wanted to dress as my teacher seeing her in her pumps. This drive to dress as a woman is beyond sex as at the age of 6 sex wasn’t on my mind. I just wanted to look pretty.
I’ve always been in hiding. Never caught.
It is lonely hiding my feminine me.
Charlene
Thanks Charlene. The comment just above yours from Jessica also is another great example of how we had to keep those very private thoughts and desires from a very early age. For me it’s as early as I can remember. I pray someday that they will prove it’s a brain chemistry thing so there will be no more guilt and shame from hiding it.
I hate ""Social Norms" (not being allowed to be different) - & most of this thinking came from Religion-- The same as Most of the worlds problems--
Thanks for posting this. It strikes a strong cord with me. Lana
Thank you , Love this article !
Oh my goodness Rochelle! I have read many articles on this site. However, none have played with my emotions more than yours. I was no stranger to aloneness as a youngster. And yes, I couldn't wait to get behind a locked door to feel like myself. And oh the guilt! I am doing better these days at being myself, Vanessa, but I am still struggling somewhat. My previous wife did not know, nor do my kids. My current wife has known since very early in the relationship. She is supportive with limitations...No transitioning. She is not willing to live with a woman full time. And yes, I was caught by my mother at age 11. She forced me to tell my father what she caught me doing. It was awful experience, i was petrified.
I am currently in counseling to try to figure out how to manage my feelings. I love my wife very much, but a health issue has me questioning my mortality and who I am.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this article.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Just found your reply. Thank you for responding. I have to go right now but will get back to you.
