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The older I get, the less I believe I'm still starting anything. There may be that rare moment when I partake on something completely new and different, but this journey that I've been on for nearly 50 years isn't one of them. Every little goal that I achieve, I find myself saying, "Well, it's a start." The me, full of lifelong lessons and maturity responds, "Or is it?"
I think this is so because I don't know what the ending is. I can look back over my life and point out the wayward signs that led me to this place; the multiple starts at becoming… what exactly. This is my unanswered question. Just what am I trying to become. The possibilities vary with the changing of the seasons. One day, I'm ready to jump all in, the next day I want to pull back. I can only see the haphazardly walked path forward by looking back at where I began and where I am today. Like a chart tracking years of returns on an investment, my journey has been up and down, but it seems to always and to eventually keep climbing higher.
Nearly a year ago, I began helping others put their thoughts into words, helping them to share their stories as I agreed to become the resident editor on both sites. I've seen similarities between all of us, been amazed, heartbroken, angry, and joyful in my empathy with those who share their lives with the rest of us. We all need to see it; I need to see it. I am far from alone, and my path is my path, no matter how long it takes or whether or not I can point to a definitive end.
I'm pushing 60, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Does it matter; did it ever? I have the tendency to be introverted and filled by anxieties. My mind never shuts down—it's why I write novels. It's also why I over-think every detail that I see. My vision and comprehension of a particular scene is fairly vast. I notice the obvious and the not so obvious. I've also had to adjust my life around my diminished hearing--a result of several years working in a pressroom at a newspaper. I can become easily frustrated by other's lack of awareness at the world around them. This isn't a reflection on them, but on me. I see the shadows lurking and wonder what's hiding. Most, contently walk by in happy oblivion and enjoy the sun.
This has been hard to overcome and no amount of yoga and meditation makes it easier for me. The daily stress in my shoulders causes them to sit well above the top of my head…figuratively speaking. When you add in my uncertainty about who (what) I am, there are times that my mind simply has to retreat; I'm compelled to take a nap…to reboot my system. When I've gotten to that point, no amount of coffee could keep me awake.
I was once a typical, cocky male with an ego, who had a fetish for high heels and lingerie. Now, I'm more feminine than male (inside); I'm kinder, more afraid, questionably uncertain, still hopeful, persistently doubtful, highly empathetic, magically wishful, and… still searching for an ending. I've come to the decision—though I've said this before, written it down on my checklist and never completed it, that it's time to meet with a professional and potentially take the next step. I have to. My anxiety is winning out over contentment with my life--not that I have much in that regard.
I spend too much time analyzing reasons for the thoughts and desires that I have. In the past, it was always to find some method to eradicate them. Somewhere along the way, the inward looking became more of a search for understanding and acceptance, and recently an acknowledgement that I'm neither male nor female, and I don't know which one I want to be. I'm not sure if I would find the elusive contentment by undergoing physical and chemical alterations—would they just shift my perspectives—and anxieties? There are some stronger feelings that indicate a need to step over some lines and at least blur the two sides in shared compromise. It also means a day of reckoning with friends and family is on the horizon. My shoulders will never relax until that happens; that moment when all the fears are faced and all that's left for me to do is to move forward. I know I can handle it…
I'm ready for a nap…
Ohh Brina, how well expressed are your thoughts that we all share. Sometimes my mind feels like a washing machine of thoughts, jumbled and tossing about with little clarity or purpose.
Acceptance is so very important yet alas, we do not have that from most, probably almost all, people. If we ladies were accepted everywhere by everyone, then the torment we endure would cease.
I find solace in finding happiness and joy in the small things around us, giving thanks for the beauty of nature, it’s sights, sounds, smells and so much more. A fresh wind in winter blowing in the smell of seaweed draws my attention to the different colours and textures of the many varieties of seaweed washed up on the beach. And I start to match colours, making outfits in my mind of those lovely greens, browns, yellows, blacks and shades in between. Perhaps it’s silly, but it is a part of being me, a woman walking the beach in skinny jeans, sneakers, and femme jacket and coat. The taste of my lipstick is reassuring as others walk by.
So where is all this rambling going? I’m not sure, it’s all in that washing machine. But each day I become more authentic to the inner me, the real me, the one hidden from the world.
Rest assured Brina, we are all so very similar and sharing our thoughts and misgivings is in itself a good thing.
Hugs, Gigi
Gianna,
Very poetically expressed. I agree that we all share some similar misgivings and the jumble of feelings that this life brings. We all need to find the "little" things that help us to cope and walk another step forward rather than retreating and suffering the regrets. I agree that each day moves me closer to being "more whole" within myself.
Another person made a comment about looking in the mirror and how it finally dawned on them when they say an artistic drawing. The man looking in the mirror saw the woman inside reflected back. I'm that way. The mirror isn't showing the image my brain expects to see so as a male, I don't like looking in the mirror; Brina does, but she's still frowning at the male attributes that are out of place.
Thank you for your kind support!
Thank you so much for your honest, heart felt, article. You’ve expressed yourself in a way that is so very familiar to me and my journey to become Emily. Keep writing and keep sharing!
were here for you brina, whatever happens.
Ah Brina-no wonder you are such a great editor! You're writing is so articulate and evocative. I can see myself in so much of what you wrote here. Cyn shows through more and more all the time. I matter what mode I’m in -stealth Cyn for work and a third of the time outside of work-or full Cyn mode the rest of the time. I like Gianna’s analogy of the washing machine below. The make and female parts of my soul are blending together in the water til the pink shirt slowly turns the white shirt from blinding white to light pastel pink and every day it gets to be harder to tell them apart. At some point I’ll reach an equilibrium and while I’m not positive exactly what hue that shirt will end up, I know it will be a bolder pink shade and will button the opposite way that it did in my youth. How frilly that pink blouse will be is something still to be determined but I’ll love it whatever it turns out to be. Thanks for all the incredible work you do editing;?i know when I submit articles that you will correct my typos and grammar but leave the essence of what I am trying to express intact and that’s exactly what an editor is supposed to do!
Cyn
Thank you for the kind compliments, Cyn. I try... I love the pink blouse analogy 🙂
I understand you over analyzing the thoughts and reasons we enjoy this...
Love your articles Brinna, i am 20 years your Senior, so you can imagine the lumps and bumps that i have endured the past 70 years. i think that i can probably relate in some part to every story and article ever written on CD Heaven and maybe Trans heaven. I'll not try to tell it all here now, because i don,t have the time or space, but try to briefly start ten years ago, I retired from a Mid Management Position
ten years ago. lived alone( wife of 40 years finally left after all the kids left home for college. I had it made , finally would get to dress behind closed doors as i please. I was happy with just that, no thoughts about transitioning , heck, didn't even know what that meant or it even existed at that time.
Here comes the Speed Bump-8 mons. into retirement i was diagnosed with a very severe type of prostate cancer. After 45 radiation treatiments,followed by 2 years of harmone treatment the cancer was in remission. i look back on this time in my life as a wake up call and turned out to be a blessing in descuise. I told my best friend of 50 years and also one of my daughters that i felt like that i was a woman after about a year of the harmone shots. they thought that i was kidding, but i was not. This rocked on for the next 5 years with my Desire to cross dress and be a woman growing stronger every day. About this time, late 2016 i had a stroke that basically shut down the entire left side of my body. I was really blessed, it could have been fatal.
This is getting to long so i'm going to cut it off oh a high note. after 4 months of physical therapy i am able to live alone and tend to my basic needs. Able to walk with cane inside and walker outside. I don't drive, but this is probably a good thing, because I would probably get in trouble, even with my handicaps and thanks to an angel that Comes once a week and helps and supports ME to live as the Woman that I Am 24/7(sadly, only behind closed doors because i have kids and grands in Area). Hey, Life Is Good. LOL, Ironically it was my wife that got ME to read Buce Jenners story and started my research on the internet to help confirm my feelings of being a woman and later led to CD Heaven which has been my Inspiration the past 2 years.
Thanks to all of You, keep up the Good Work and Maybe Old Girls like Myself can finally one Day get OUT>
Peggy Ann...no response needed from me, just a sincere thank you for sharing! I hope others take the time to read your comment.
Sabrina
Please don’t let that space we have between our ears confuse our hearts. Let the mentality go and live from that foundational self that is you. We are all a blend of male and female. Some more one sided than the other, but we still are a duality.
Each morning is a gift of God and his new beginning to our life. Yesterday is dead and gone. The rising sun shines on renewed eyes. Each new day is a gift of opportunity to renew our lives. It is all about our choices. Do we make choices of the ego or of love? Do we think of ourselves or of others? Selfish or unconditional?
These are the choices we make every sunrise. These are the choices we live by. Who am I… Who are you? We answer that by our choices. They speak loud and clear.
Do we live by what another expects of us? Or do we just BE. One is looking outwardly and satisfying what others demand of us. While the opposite is looking within to our root selves and live by that truth.
If we choose truth, then our reality will come to us in its time and place. We know its right for us because something deep within ourselves resonates with it. We just know it is right and we gladly go forward.
You touch so many it is amazing and my hat goes off to ah er oh bonnet goes off to you. Take this opportunity of introspection to learn and gain greater awareness. Our life in this world is constant learning. Though we have moments of being overwhelmed.
Take a deep breath and some time for yourself. You are in a position to help countless others who are searching. It is an honor being in this position yet very stressful. You touch so many and there are so many more in need.
I know you can’t help them all, but you can help many. But, first you need to help yourself. As the saying goes, “you can’t give what you don’t have”. So, take care of you. Yes, you have questions about you. That is ok and normal.
We all get to a burnout point. Be kind to you. You are a very special person. Male? Female? Don’t know? Will someone tell me! What the hell am it? I understand. You belong to a wonderful and special club of persons just like us.
Jennifer Sometimes
Jennifer.
Beautifully said, and a message that all of us should remember. Our choices speak loud and clear, I agree. Sometimes our choices are driven by mind and circumstances and sometimes they help us hide from just being. It's the willingness to take that elusive step to just BE that creates (for me) the inner anxieties. I know it, I know what to do about it, and I know that only I have the power to do or not.
I hope others read and comment on your post. (Better yet, I'd love to see an article from you...)
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post.
I can relate in so many ways...over 60 mostly closeted, hard of hearing from print industry... monkeys in the brain ... trying to accept and start out even more authentically than I have ever been. My daily meditation does have the desired effect for its part, but we have complicated selves to deal with on a daily basis as TG /Cd peeps, not to mention our daily man life issues.
As we age, it seems that we may take these lifelong complexities more to heart and it may become a burning coal that is ready to flame.
I recently lost most of all I had owned due to a natural disaster (big flood, and not the first time , 5x before) My life has been turned inside out. small income and deep in debt with only a part time job and medicare as a result. Am trying to rekindle the fire that has allowed me to rise above these setbacks in the past, (Its working today) while still owning my fem self.
Sometimes amidst the chaos, The best thing i can do is dress to the hilt, and have a sigh of relief
and relax for a precious hour or two, and then take that golden nap.
My smile is in place... My tag line is "I wish that I could bottle the calm feeling that comes with being Brina and spray it on when I need to fight the stress of when I'm not..."
Thank you for your response and understanding...my best to you 🙂
Thanks Brina for always bringing a bit of clarity to the Pink Fog. As a sister Iowan, I often contemplate me future with trepidation that comes from life with a non supporting spouse. I often look at yesterdays with, what am I doing. I don't understand why I have a duality that has such strong masculine and feminine influences, often co mingled. I can be very happy in both roles and have no desires for permanent change. One thing I have learned and accepted about myself, I'm ok, I like me. Being 68, being who I am confidently has become important. Michelle
Michelle,
I think self-confidence is the one factor that I've noticed getting stronger over the past 5 years. It took that second failed relationship (not due to crossdressing as I made it the entire 7 years without dressing) to find a more balanced me--with some confidence that this is ok. I've had multiple opportunities to jump into other relationships, but I'm not ready until I know what I'm capable of offering. There will be no choice of whether Brina stays or goes. She's here in some capacity for good. It's my decision on where she lands. I now believe that I might find that special person some day; my guess is it will be when I least expect it.
Thanks for your comments 🙂
Thank you Brina for that amazing post. I feel so much of what you wrote about. I really like how you mention needing to mentally retreat. I actually find thrift shopping as an outlet because it doesn't let me think about my situation and forces me to look at things and interact with people. Listening to music is another avenue.
The career, family, community aspects of my life aren't as topsy-turvy, complicated, confusing as the CD aspect of me. I wonder how much energy and motivation get drained from me when I struggle with where I want life to go for me. Definitely didn't feel so unsure when I was younger, but I also didn't accept that I was truly a CD either. In some ways, we become more confident, in other ways more fearful, until we reach some equilibrium hopefully someday.
Thanks for the comments. When I write, I try to do so in a way that will connect with others (we're similar and different in our journeys) and give a little hope, a little "AW HA," that's why, and a chuckle or two. The older I get, the less I want to fight such an important part of me. My regrets are not listening to that side of me more when I was younger--it's some of the best of me. I hope others (younger especially) find a nugget or two that can help them in their own struggles.
I like how you put it: "Until we reach some equilibrium, hopefully someday." I envy those who find it earlier rather than later. I'm not there yet, but moving towards instead of away from it.
Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us all. The power of it is not lost on me, nor is its intent. It’s powerful stuff when we reckon with our true self.
I feel purposely allowing ourselves to be vulnerable brings us closer to our intentioned selves. When I do so I believe it signals to myself and others I have nothing to hide. When I smile while vulnerable (dressed in crowded public) it invites others in and makes them feel safe, and suddenly— we are treating each other kindly, and with respect.
Be as good to yourself as you can during the in-between times we all face and deal with. You’re beautiful inside and out. That’s what is visible and manifest. What other beautiful things might lurk inside? 🙂
Best,
-Sid
Brina, I love your astute command of the English language and your ability to express yourself through the use of your words!
I love this article. I'm a bit past your age and ever since I retired two years ago and started collecting the social security money that I paid into for 45 years, my anxiety has almost gone completely away. I have my civil service retirement coming in, my social security, and on top of that rather large sum of money, my wife now makes over six figures a year!
Forty five years ago, I was living in a car, working as a brick mason's laborer, and stealing lunch meat out of a local grocery store to survive. After joining the Air Force and putting in four years of service for my country, it wasn't until I finished my first of three college degrees and landed the big job that the high powered stress and anxiety you talk about in your article really began to set in. And trying to raise a wife and two young boys didn't help my anxiety levels to be lowered either. The more graduate schooling work and two masters degrees later is when the highest levels of anxiety set in.
I never was anxious of figuring out whether I was to be a boy or girl. Since I was 9 years old, I always was a boy who just loved to wear women's sexy underwear. Then years later, I wanted to be a boy or guy who could, with the right makeup, clothing, hair, silicone breasts, and shape wear, make myself into a 100% passable cute, pretty, sexy, and classy looking lady. According to the girls on this site and one other side to remain nameless, I've achieved my goal. I'm apparently in the small minority of cross dressers who can make the total transition from "Handsome Husband" to a 100% passable girl.
My anxieties with cross dressing all came from hiding it from my wife and kids for many years and always worrying about something I may have left out that would give my secret of dressing up like a pretty cute girl away. My anxieties away from cross dressing came from the lack of money to live a comfortable life and from working high profile and high stress jobs and the more education I put myself through the higher profile job I obtained and along with that job came a higher level of stress. When I look back on life, I think my life would have been so much less stressful had I just skipped all of that education and became a damn good brick layer or plumber or electrician or something like that!
Now that I have a ton of money coming in and very little of it going out and no job and coworkers to contend with along with half crazy bosses, I have little or no anxiety at all! My sexy redheaded wife is now on board with her acceptance of my cross dressing into a pretty, cute, sexy, and classy girl named Scarlett with only one limitation and that is that I make that transition as long as it's not in her presence which is just fine with me! I no longer have to hide any part of Scarlett's wardrobe anymore. I don't ever have to worry about leaving anything out like a pair of earrings or some skirt that just sort of blended in with the bed or couch I laid it over! I have no desire to become a full time woman because I'm allergic to pain so I couldn't go through with the massive surgery it would take to make the total transition. I wouldn't want to lose my wife or the ability to make love to my wife in a totally different way than I make love to her now. Although at least half or even more than half of the love making session could be completed completely by me if I was a woman.
So I'm good to go in the anxiety department or lack there of right now. All is good and the only real concern at age 64 is the toll that gravity is taking on my face, neck, and body which seems to be making the transition of 100% from guy to girl as far as the looks are concerned a bit more challenging as each and every year passes by.
I don't ever want to be dressing my age. Hell, if I did that now I would be looking like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies! So when it comes to the point where I can't pull off the 100% passable thing as a girl, I'm not sure how interested I'm going to be in full up cross dressing.
That's it for now, Brina. I loved your article and please don't grade this paper for spelling or grammar because it's 2:30 am and I'm not going back over this response for a review for that sort of thing because it's very late and I'm exhausted!
XOXO Scarlett
Scarlett...What can I say...( I think you used up all my words...lol). I'm with you on that darn gravity...the older I get, the less I eat, the more I gain... pretty soon, I'll be eating rice cakes... or cardboard...they taste the same.
As always...thanks for commenting and sharing about yourself. Some days, I'd be perfectly happy just to have pierced ears and wear all those spectacular earrings. Other days...give me the natural ability to fill out my pretty bras and show off the cleavage in a low-cut top. And there are times that I want to jump head first into the rabbit hole and become the face my mind sees in the mirror...
Yep, that gravity is a bitch! Us guys get thick through the middle and the girls get big in the but and thighs!
You're gorgeous and don't worry about that gravity! It looks fabulous on you!
Scarlett - that is an awesome post. I feel like you just summed me up! I'm married, 47 years old, and feeling like I'm the same place you are - at least as far as the anxieties go! That fear of, "oh crap, did I leave a bra out?" Or, what if one of the kids looks back in the closet?" Right? That part sucks. My wife knows about the crossdressing, and is generally ok with it, but I still feel like she doesn't really want to know about it, so I try to disguise my tracks as much as possible. But I agree that I don't want to change anything about the way I'm able to love her and be her husband, and it's so good to see an example of someone that has achieved that balance! I also like what you say about the total transformation - to me, that's the best part. Seeing my normal, schlubby, middle-aged self completely transform is the best part, and being a woman full time would remove that element.
Brina - I can't recommend therapy enough. I've been on and off for the last three years, and it was helped immensely with my anxiety, and helped my figure out who I am (which is a lot like Scarlett!). Before that, I felt as confused as you do. Good luck on your journey, and thanks for starting such as insightful conversation.
Alexis
I have a creative side and an analytical side, though my creativity could fall under the latter...I write, which has some similarities (fitting parts together to make a whole.) My issue isn't necessarily not wanting to go, but in dealing with the grey areas that my puzzle-putting together side says needs to fit.
Towards the end of my marriage, the ex (unbeknownst to me) had been talking to a therapist and set up an appointment for both of us. I was being set up for an ambush, and it most certainly started out that way. Prior to going, I informed my ex that she wouldn't like the outcome. "We'll see about that!" was her reply...I shall never forget. Our meeting wasn't because of crossdressing...I'd been hiding it well for 20 years.
By the time the hour was over, the female therapist excused me and asked my ex to stay so they could discuss medication for her. The ex never went back and our eventual end was set in place. This is that awareness knack that I have, and that deterrent that makes me over-analyze things. I just need to find that right therapist, and I know it will help me. I just need to get off the couch... and go...
Thanks for the comments!
Hi Alexis and thanks for another reply. Tonight another milestone was reached by the further acceptance my sexy redhead has in regards to my thrill of cross dressing! For the very first time ever, we were out shopping at TJ Maxx and she actually picked out a very sexy white top with navy blue piping around the edges of he flutter sleeves of the top. I didn't even know she bought it for me until we got home and laid all she purchased out on the dinning room table to put on hangers and put away in her closet. She left the white and navy sexy top on the table and I said, "Baby, you forgot this top that's still on the table." She said, "Oh, that sexy one is your's, I bought it for you!"
Alexis, I almost fell out on the floor! I went over and gave her a kiss and told her how much I loved her and then took that sexy top and put it in my closet for Scarlett's next photo shoot this week. You're gonna love the outfit I put together with that sexy top she bought me tonight. I didn't think I would ever see this night coming. Next up is my girl on girl dream date with her as her sexy redheaded self and me as cute sexy Scarlett when we are way out of town on vacation in another city where no one knows us. We go out to a really nice restaurant and enjoy a couple of drinks with a nice special dinner and then maybe a late movie followed by a quick trip back to the hotel, light a couple of candles, and enjoy some of the best love making ever working around the clothes we wore out on the date!
Look forward to hearing more from you girl friend!
Have a wonderful week, Alexis! XOXOXO Scarlett
You have nice sweet face
Really well written and thought provoking article 🙂
