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Like some of us here, I often struggle with just who I am, where do I actually fit into this world. Am I a man, am I a woman, am I something in between? How do I manage my relationships? How do I manage my desires and how do those desires impact the rest of my life? Pretty deep questions and the answers are elusive and fleeting.
Through journaling, I've found the patience to explore more fully my personal journey, to actually get to know myself in a way that our overstimulated culture of bright screens and updates sometimes makes difficult. Journaling allows me to look at the thorny questions of my gender and my level of true acceptance with a much more thorough thought process. I find myself constantly saying to myself, "I never really looked at it that way" as I give my thoughts free rein.
Some of the greatest figures in history are remembered best for the detailed journals they kept. Charles Darwin kept a journal all his life, as did Ernest Hemingway and Anne Frank, presidents and teachers, scientists and philosophers; and just ordinary people who enjoy writing their deepest thoughts down. The reasons to keep a journal are varied, but the consensus seems to be that it's a wonderful way to truly explore some of your deeper life questions, and for any person who considers themselves transgender or is questioning, keeping a journal will help to laser focus on those very questions and hopefully find comfort, peace and confidence.
It can be a way to express yourself, reflect on your life, maybe even come to fuller acceptance of your real feelings. And the bonus is this: while it's a wonderful way to record your thoughts about your crossdressing or your transgender journey, it's a nice way to step back and reflect on your everyday life, your relationships, your children and the state of the world today.
I've also have the wonderful good fortune of having a loving and supportive partner. I share my journal thoughts with her and together we find ourselves at a level of communication we never had before. One portion of a recent journal entry was a paragraph spent expressing gratitude that my SO had granted me "permission" to explore, more fully, my feminine soul. Well, she read that entry and her response surprised me, "You don't need my permission to be who you are". She picked up on something that we may never have explored, had she not read my journal, and that being, she's perfectly correct, I don't need anyone's permission to be who I am.
Sharing my journal with my SO is also a wonderful way to provide her a glimpse into my feminine world in a way that wouldn't normally come up in conversation. I want her to know what wearing an ankle length skirt, putting on makeup and jewelry and going shopping en femme means to me, how it makes me feel like a woman and that I need to feel that connection to my other self. How socializing with new trans women friends has become so important to me. Maybe these small reflections can bring me into clearer focus for her.
So I set aside 15 or 20 minutes every few days. I've found it best to not dwell on negative thoughts or self pity and focus on positive observations, but honest ones; I can't go back and edit my thoughts from earlier entries because that defeats the whole purpose of journaling. I enjoy reviewing my entries and seeing how my thoughts evolve over time, how my confidence has grown and matured. My partner and I have grown closer and are navigating our challenging relationship with a healthier and more open dialogue.
Even if you don't end up sharing your journal entries, I think the whole process is very healthy in any case; I know it would be for me.
And finally, I shouldn't have to remind any of the women here on CDH, that a journal is deeply personal and all security necessary measures are advised.
I would love to hear from other CDH women who maybe journal and have their own thoughts on the subject.
Journaling might just be another tool in your tool box helping you along on your own journey.
Robyn Scott
This is a great idea,Robyn!
Keeping a log of feelings, thoughts and other Pink Fog moments. I used to write down my girly wear purchases. That was alota girly clothes ago.
Fran 🥰
@robyn1408 I've never done it but this is a great idea. As I've gone through the cycles of crossdressing in my life it would at least be interesting to specifically see what triggered things like purges and the eventual return to dressing. It would also be very interesting to see how my feelings have evolved over the years to the point where I now see myself as probably being trans. Having a journal to share with counselors over the year would have be of great value in advancing discussions quickly.
Loved your article. Writing can definitely help us organize our thoughts and develop a better understanding of our feeling. While not quite the same as journaling, I find that spending time reading the many posts and forums on CDH and engaging in dialogue with lots of people on multiple topics has really been helpful for me to better understand myself. I too have a very supportive wife who I get to share my world with and talk about what I'm feeling and learning. I'm also a member of a CD group in my area and I get to have lots of wonderful conversations with others like me in person. My wife and I also write columns for the group newsletter. With all the writing and talking that doesn't leave me much time for journaling in the traditional sense, but it's serving a very similar purpose. Happy journaling!
Thank you Michelle for taking the time to respond. And thank you for being such a wonderful advocate in your own area and spreading the word.
I keep a journal in which I record my time dressed (what I did, with photos etc), how I feel about things when I haven't dressed for a while; plus other thoughts on crossdressing in general.
The whole process of writing it is therapeutic and I find it an indispensable help on 'my journey'
Thank you. I'm glad you're keeping a journal and that you find it so helpful. I never considered adding photos to my journal. Great idea. Robyn
Hats off to those who keep journals. I have tried several times over the years, and it just has not worked for me. The best I can do is keep a photo journal when I dress. While I don't do photos every time I dress, or even all that often, I do try to take a few shots often enough. Once or twice a year I set up a real photo shoot and spend somerime and effort trying to get some good shots. This morning just happens to be one of them.
Can't wait to see the results!
Robyn
This was an excellent article to read. I like to write and the journal or writing technique has been wonderful for exploring who I am, and relieving stress by putting it all down on paper, virtually speaking.
This has helped with my CDing, and other parts if life.
I write more on here and it has made me a better writer in my work. This space is great for creativity, and expression.
Several times, when life has been stressful, I write down my thoughts. I sometimes "freeflow".... start typing, eyes closed, let the thoughts exit the mind, with speed and lots of typos. Fixing typos in the moment can be distracting, so I fix them later.
Life is so much better getting pent up things out.
At work and some charity things I help with, I sometimes write an email, flush out my feelings, keep the draft, and delete. It helps a lot to make sense of things.
Thanks for your wonderful article.
Thanks for sharing your experience with journaling, we share similar thoughts as to the therapeutic benefits. There is are great benefits to taking the time for a deep dive into ourselves. And you know what, it's fun and something I always look forward to setting time aside for. Best to you.
Robyn
Very nice article Robyn. I have an old fashioned desk diary and jot down the odd note, it may not be much but it will recall thoughts of the day. One thing I do find good for my soul is when something has happened or perhaps a negative day I write it all down. It may be a rambling but once done I'll close, it has gone from my mind. I may revisit to see where I am since and see that it has worked.
Whilst I dont formally journal anything, I do write a lot, (eg 13 articles here on CDH) and have a number of good friends, (both femme ones here on CDH) and in my normal? male life who live far away
So there's always quite few words appearing on my computer screen.
Plus of course photos, again here on CDH and the hundreds I have taken of Caty over the last 20 years. I've just finished going back through about 6usb's worth of shots taken during this time.
As mentioned oft times on this great site, I rent a 3m/10ftsq storage unit about half an hour from home and I have "decorated" every available wall space with photos of Caty and some old Aussie Rules football memorabilia.
Both of these topics have been a big part of my life, so I guess this is my version of this topic
Caty.
PS Of course no one has access to the unit but me. So should I go unexpectedly to that big CD photoshoot in the sky", my family will get a few surprises. OK the "Boss" knows about Caty, but she does not know about my "photo exhibition"
Good article Robyn. I have found the process of writing down your thoughts to be extremely helpful in better understanding yourself. Most of my writing consists of frequent contributions here on CDH and on 2 or 3 other sites. It's interesting to share experiences, feelings and dressing tips with my many online CD/Trans friends and acquaintances. And by doing so, I have learned an awful lot about myself in the process.
Robyn -
Thank you for your insightful article.
I started journaling a few years ago when I came out to my wife and started therapy. Prior to that I had tried journaling a few times throughout my life but it never took. I think I was afraid of someone finding it, however, I have come to realize I was afraid of what would appear on paper - my true thoughts about how I felt. It wasn't until a few years ago that I was willing to accept my feminine side and dressing, until then it was deeply hidden.
Since I started journaling I've become more aware of my feelings and by writing them down it makes them easier to accept. I set aside time every morning to journal about the previous day and cover many different topics - dressing, relationships, current events, both good and bad experiences as well as anything else that pops into my head. I use a paper journal and fountain pen to journal. I feel it makes it more real then typing on a keyboard and using a fountain pen makes it impossible to erase. I will admit to crossing something out on occasion but that is because it is illegible. There have been times I've shared my scratchings with my therapist and wife but not very often. I haven't taken the time to go back and read some of what I've written but I'm sure it would be interesting to see how far I've come not only in my crossdressing journal but in life.
Journal on and to those that haven't tried it is well worth doing. Start small and after a time you'll be letting the words flow on the page. One of the nice things about journaling is spelling, grammar and punctuation don't matter. Don't think just write, no editing allowed.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thank you Suzanne for your thoughts. Journaling has certainly been helpful for you as it has been for me. The woman within us needs a voice too.
Robyn
Robyn
I so related to your article. For me Journaling is and has been an essential part of my life. Some journals have been just a place to capture my mood and what is happening in my life. Other journals are more for art and business projects. Like you I have shared with my SO and she shares her journal sometimes with me. Lately though I have taken on an exercise (from The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron) to write every day, making the decision that his particular journal will be just mine, so everything going into it is unfiltered. Knowing that no one else will ever read it has freed my thoughts.
My SO knows I crossdress and many of my journal entries have been about my journey.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Evie
Food for thought Robyn, thank you for your article. I would need to rearrange my day though - by the time I have checked activity here, sent a message to my dear-diary friend of 7 years, checked FB, I am ready for shuteye which includes resting my guitar on my chest and picking some latest creation tune/song in darkness, and playing myself to sleep… 😴 💤
This is a great article Robyn. I am just starting out on my own spiritual journey and the benefits of journaling are something I keep reading about.
It's something I keep meaning to do, but keep putting it off. I keep asking myself what's stopping me? Am I afraid of someone else reading it? May be.
I am afraid of what doors I will open? Possibly.
Either way it's something I hope to be ready to do one day. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences of journaling Robyn, its very insightful.
@lilydark Thanks Lily. Well, whatever doors are opened through journaling it is simply letting more light into your life. Good luck.
Robyn
What a great article I unsed to have a diary to write my thoughts but it made me unhappy as it always had negitive thoughts in
@sabrina66 Hi Stevie , sorry to hear of your negative thoughts . Why not try to relate the wonderful feeling that dressing can give you . I don't keep a journal but a few times a week when I get dressed up the euphoria and excitement is lovely I then take a photo with a comment and email it to myself . A picture as they can say is worth a thousand words .
Thank you for your thoughts 🧐 I must agree that the feeling of me in a dress is wonderful and I never want to let it go I understand what I am and to deny want I am only makes me sad and that is no good for my wellness.
I know it can be hard for some to deny what 'they are 'but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the wonderful feelings you have and reading what the ladies say on here can only boost your confidence. Please don't deny what makes you happy
