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My wife has known about my cross dressing for almost 2 years now, and although she is accepting, I know at times she still has her doubts. One of those doubts came when she saw the ad for Transgender Heaven on the CDH website. She freaked out, thinking that I was looking to transition. She told me (while holding back tears) that if this was the case our marriage would be over. I had to reassure her that this was not the case and that what she saw was just an ad.
The next day I spent most of the day composing a letter to my wife explaining what cross dressing means to me, what CDH is about and then what my ideal expectations moving forward are. With her permission she has allowed me to publish the letter after I explained to her that it might be of use to some other members who may be struggling with getting their partners to understand what cross dressing is all about for some of us.
So here it is.
To My Dearest Wife.
I understand that the change we have had in our life over the last couple of years cannot be easy for you. You married a man for 9 years and then you found out your husband likes to dress in women’s clothes.
After you told me yesterday that if I ever wanted to be a women full time, that it would be the end of our marriage, it got me thinking that I really need to explain what cross dressing means to me and why I like it so much.
- I am not Gay!! I like being with women and that will never change.
- I do not want to be a girl!! You might find this strange as I dress every night as a girl, but the idea of being a girl full time does not appeal to me.
- Why do I cross dress? – 1st reason is it feels so good to wear nice feminine clothing items and be dressed up in them, men’s clothes just do not have the same feeling.
- 2nd reason is the fact that it is my stress release, I feel more relaxed after each day when I am dressed up as a woman, after a busy day of work and kids and family life, the time I spend being cross dressed relaxes me and makes me feel good.
- 3rd reason, it has been part of me for most of my life. Although never to the extent I dress now (Thank you for letting me do this now), but I always had some sort of female clothing hidden when I was younger. Back then it was more a sexual fetish as it would get me excited but now, although I still find it exciting, it is now more of a comfort to be dressed up in feminine clothing.
- Crossdresser Heaven Website – This is the best place that I have found by far for cross dressers on the internet. It is a safe environment where we can share opinions, photos, articles, and just communicate around everything having to do with cross dressing. This site does not allow any type of photos that do not meet their standard and the founder and her staff of administrators are quick to remove any new members that try to use it for a dating site or posting inappropriate photos. Most of the members on this site are just like me - married with a wife that either accepts and supports, accepts but is unsupportive, or still does not know about their cross dressing.
- There are even real wives/partners that are members on this site. They use the site to help them understand why men have the desire to cross dress and connect with other wives/significant others of cross dressers.
- I looked around the internet for a long time before I found this site and I feel totally safe here because everyone here treats each other with respect, understanding, and support.
Yes, there are some Transgender people on there, however, they have their own website which you saw the ad for last night. I've never been on the transgender site and do not plan to visit it.
You have noticed that I have been reading a lot and communicating to the other crossdressers online. I am reading their stories and opinions on a wide range of topics including talking to their partners about cross dressing, clothes they wear, make up, hair, jewelry, shoes, etc. …………. Almost everything cross dressing which helps to make a male look more female.
Why share photos – Pretty easy to answer. Anybody can have a feminine side to their personality but to be able to look like a lady and capture that in a moment in time requires more effort than I ever knew. For the female population, they grew up learning beauty skills. For us cross dressers it takes lots of time, study, patience, trial and error, and practice. When it finally works with the body shapewear, clothes, hair, accessories and make up, we then want to share this with our friends and get their support and feedback.
- Positives to my crossdressing – I’ll start with what has been good for me with my cross dressing.
- I am eating better; I am more fit than I have ever been in my life and I have lost weight. I now take better care of my body than I ever have before.
- Negatives to my crossdressing – We are married and as your husband, I need to be aware of your needs and concerns around my cross dressing. I never wanted to embarrass you or make you feel bad about the man you married. You are still my beautiful Sexy wife and I’m sorry that I don’t say that enough to you.
What I want – I want to continue cross dressing. I am aiming for a sophisticated and elegant look with the occasional sexy look thrown in. I would really like to learn how to use make-up to compete my look. Using the Face App is ok, but I will never know if I can pass if I don’t use the same skills real women use to make themselves look so beautiful. Photos taken and posted online without Face App are more realistic, therefore, I don't want to use a Face App to try and make myself look much prettier than I actually am when dressed up as a beautiful woman.
I would also really like to go out dressed up en femme and shop for women’s clothes without feeling everyone is looking at me. I do feel uncomfortable sometimes shopping for women’s clothes while dressed as a man.
I would also like to attend Crossdressing events when they happen although I understand that if I am ever allowed to do this that these times will be limited to when the kids are not at home.
What you don’t know is I have already been outside dressed up. A couple of times I have driven in my car dressed up at night when the boys are not home and once I walked through Te Aroha Domain dressed with a face mask on. This was when the boys were at Mum’s place.
- From my wife – Only you can decide how much support or restrictions you want to put on my cross dressing. I would love your support and help where you feel comfortable, but I am also content to have what we have now as you have been supportive in your own way so far.
- After all this is just a hobby.
The night after she read the letter we had a conversation about all things related to cross dressing. I showed her the CDH website and she saw the photos I had posted and other members photos as well. We spent about 10 minutes looking around CDH. We had a discussion about what I would like to do going forward and she was receptive.
This letter has helped move my cross dressing to a new level and although probably too early to tell, I think it has also enhanced our relationship as we both have a better understanding of what each other wants from my cross dressing.
I hope that this letter has a positive impact on those who are struggling with their SO acceptance.
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and the letter I wrote to my wife! I would love for you to send to me either a response to my article above or to one or more of the questions I've posed to you below:
- How long did you stay deep in the closet before admitting to your wife that you were a cross dresser and how did that very first admission to her go?
- If she was accepting and allowed your cross dressing to continue, what limitations, if any, did she place on your cross dressing?
- Since that first admission to her about your cross dressing, how far forward has she came with her acceptance? Have some of your limitations decreased and how else has she changed towards your cross dressing up until now?
With most sincere thanks, Sarah
Hi Sarah.Thank you for sharing your story and the letter you wrote to your wife Where to begin? I think the advertisement for transgender heaven should be looked at and questioned whether or not it is appropriate for cross dresser heaven. OMG your poor wife the thoughts that must have gone through her mind.I understand the advertisement and most cross dresser do also. The vast majority of cross dressers have no intention of transitioning to a full time woman. It maybe a cute fantasy or something like that but most are just simple cross dressers that enjoy being a man but also enjoy presenting as a woman sometimes The WHY question is why a lot of us are here to help us understand Why. It is not as if we all got bored one day and said to our selves Gee I wonder what it is like to dress up like a woman. This part of us started before puberty in most cases was sexulized during puberty and has remained with us through out our entire lives I just stopped trying to figure it out and just started accepting this is just apart of who I am as a person May be one day there will be a answer that makes sense to me and others also.I truly hope your wife takes the time to read and learn about cross dressing and what it means for those who engage in it
Luv Stephanie
Hey Stephanie, Thanks for reading my article. My wife and I are fine now, She said the letter really helped her understand my Crossdressing more. The Why question is always probably going to be there for her as she is quite traditional but now I feel I can go to her before trying something new as she has a better understanding of where I see my Crossdressing going. Not sure about deleting the Transgender Heaven ad off this site, I guess for many that do transition it all probably started with Crossdressing.
Sarah
Gosh what a wonderful article. Plus your letter to your significant other expresses many of my own thoughts about crossdressing and its impact on our relationship. I am giving serious consideration about repeating some of your comments in a letter to my wife even though we have had several discussions about this over the last few years. However, it is always a developing relationship and I find that now especially I need more clarity about how she feels and what I can do. Thank you so much.
Hey Leslie, Thanks for you kind words. I asked my wife's permission to be allowed to publish the letter here on CDH. I felt it might help those that are struggling with their SO's acceptance and may give them ideas on how best to communicate what their Crossdressing means to them in their lives. I agree that it is always developing understanding from our SO's, I am not sure if my wife will every fully understand, but then again how can I expect her to understand when I still do not know why I feel so good when dressed. I guess we both have a little more to learn.
Sarah
Thanks for writing this article Sarah. This article is why so many of us are glad we found cdh. Your story is literally my story. I was married for 12 years before coming out as a cd but 4 years later I joined this site and things have since progressed so I like you told my wife about cdh and how I had posted some pics here. It went pretty well I must say to the point were she allowed me to meetup with a cdh friend and dress. I like you have no plans on transitioning and I don’t plan on getting a manicure with my wife anytime soon but being honest with her has at least allowed me to come out of the shadows to an extent. Acceptance from those we love is all most of us cds are looking for.
Thanks again,
Melanie
Hey Melanie, Totally agree that acceptance is key. I guess you and I are lucky that our SO's are accepting. I do feel for those that can only express themselves in secret or in a room at the back of the house when they get to have some time to themselves. There is something really satisfying being able to walk around the house dressed and do everyday chores. Going outside is a working progress but ideally that would be the goal one day. Thanks for reading my article.
Sarah
Sarah, Thanx for sharing. It is startling how similar our journeys have been. I was also married for 9 years when I shared with my wife. And though she surprised me with her love, support, and acceptance from the beginning, it has not been without its bumps and detours. I agree that open communication and honesty are important in any relationship, and have found that they are even more important for my wife and me as we navigate through this new dynamic. I wish you and your wife the best. Thanx again for sharing.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Hey Mackenzie, Thanks for reading. I am glad that your wife was supportive. It is a very scary thing to come out as you enter the unknown. I totally agree that communication is key even when you don't get the response you are after. Does you wife help with advice and support or does she leave your style up to you?
Sarah
My wife does not usually help with my style, but she has no issue sharing when she doesn't think something is my style.
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing that letter and for writing this article - so good!! And I’m thrilled that your honesty was so well received by your wife, she is a gem.
My wife has known about my crossdressing from day one, she was actually the trigger/cause of it (but that’s a story for another time), so I never had to have the big ‘reveal’ discussion with her. That said, and in response to one of your other questions, she has indeed imposed several limitations. First, she never wants to see me dressed. She told me that she doesn’t want the incongruent imagery of me as Marcellette popping into her head when she is with (intimately) her husband. Additionally, she doesn’t want to participate in any way with me in this, and, she doesn’t want our friends or family members to find out. So I suppose I could sum up all that as that I’m not really in a closet, but more like part of a finished basement…lol.
Lastly, with respect to your final question, yes, she has become more accepting over time, but from an internal perspective, i.e., she used to feel badly about being responsible for its starting and was reminded of this every time I told her I was dressing. Now she has accepted that I view this as a blessing for me and a good thing for her as well and that has made her much happier on those days where I disappear for a bit to dress and there is much less tension between us about all this.
Thanks again for sharing your story!
Marcellette
Hey Marcellette, Thank you for reading my article. I can understand your wife's limits on your crossdressing. Every partner is going to react in a different way and as long as acceptance is given we need to be understanding of their limitations. My wife does not want anyone else knowing about my Crossdressing too, however as our time since I came out has progressed she has softened her stance on things like Make up and now knows I have been out in public a couple of times. She is not thrilled but I think this has accelerated her support for make up.
I am glad that as your time has progressed you have seen positive steps take in your relationship. In the end all we are after is their acceptance.
Sarah
You can not drop a hint like that and just leave it, Marcellette. Come On, Girl dish! This sounds like a forum post at the very least. We need details!
Hugs, Jillian
Hi Sarah, thanks for sharing your letter and experience with your wife. I’m so glad things worked out so well for you! What a great idea with the letter so you could really think about what you wanted to tell her. It’s so nice that you feel your relationship stronger!
I have been out to my wife for about 5 or 6 years. Before coming out I dressed really infrequently, not having much opportunity due a very busy schedule and children. Retirement, children out on their own, opened up a whole new world, with a lot more opportunities and a stronger desire to dress. My wife and I talked about our feelings and my desires a lot, there were tears. I was as confused as she was, so it was hard explain what I didn’t understand myself! I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t feel so guilty and ashamed and I think my wife has come to accept it’s just a part of me. We feel now, it has made us closer, I just double checked!
I’m not out to anyone other than my wife, and to you all, we have decided that works for us for now. Still in the closet, my dressing is really self regulated, I dress at home, sometimes all out, which I love, but often just a dress or skirt. She initially didn’t want to see me dressed but I think her curiosity got the better of her and now she’s ok with it! She doesn’t mind if I go out dressed she just doesn’t want to go with me. She has eased up a little with that, but so far nowhere crowded.
Kate
Hey Kate, The letter was a great way for me to put down my thoughts and add or delete as I found a better way to say what I wanted to get across. It got edited quite a few times before I finally gave it to her. One of the best things I have done since coming out to her. Like you we are also closer now because of the way we have communicated over the last two years.
I understand the limitations children have on Crossdressing, I have two young children so can only dress after they sleep or on my Fridays working from home.
It is great that your wife allows you go go out dressed, Although I have been out a couple of times my wife is really concerned about someone finding out and it becoming public.
Sarah
What a thoughtful, generous step to take. Brought tears to my eyes, really hope that all works out for the best for both of you as you certainly deserve to be happy! What a wonderful human being you are. Hugs
Hey Rita, Thanks for reading my article. If it can help some here with ideas on how to come out to their SO, or give them confidence in moving forward then I am happy. My wife game me permission once I explained it could benefit others here on CDH. Thank you for your kind words.
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
It was extremely brave of you both to publish the letter, and the story behind it. The letter is thoughtful, considered and beautifully written to show both your own needs but also in attempting to address the concerns of your wife. I have spent many years surveying crossdressers/transvestites and the majority are heterosexual men who have no intention of transitioning - there is a clear difference in presenting as a woman and wanting to be a woman. The greatest fear of partners in that crossdressing is stepping stone to transitioning, why wouldn’t it be? And society has implanted the notion that all crossdressers must be gay….add the two together…..Catie xx
Hey Catie. I agree that it is the greatest fear of our partners that we may want to transition one day. Given they marry a male and then find out after the fact that we like to dress like they do it is only natural to have concerns their husband might want to take their crossderssing further one day.
For some here on CDH it might actually take that path one day and that is fine, but for the rest of us I think it will be an ongoing conversation with our SO's that Crossdressing is just something we enjoy from time to time.
Thanks for reading.
Sarah
Hello Sarah. Happy to read that your wife is more accepting now than before. All SO's seem to have the same questions and you answered them perfectly with your letter. Looks like you are on your way to a more relaxed and fulfilled CD life.
In a nutshell.... my wife knew of my dressing two years after our marriage but refused to accept it which drove me deep in the closet for over 30 years before I came out to her about 6 years ago. She took it very hard at first and I thought we were headed for divorce but she decided our life was worth keeping so she grudgingly accepted it. She even helped my buy clothes for a couple of years but cooled and now has nothing to do with it at all. She says its "Your thing" and she ignores my thing. She has never seen me dressed and doesn't want to..... ever! The good thing is now I can buy and dress as I pretty much want and she says nothing. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not and maybe it will blow up in my face at some point... idk. It is what it is. Being a CD is not easy but its something we are driven to do.
Michelle
Hey Michelle. Thanks for reading my Article. Sorry to hear that your wife takes not interest in your Crossdressing. It is good that you are able to become Michelle when you want but I do understand your concern that it might blow up at some stage. Although I tell my wife she is in control of my Crossdressing and I will stick to any limitations she puts on me, I am not sure what would happen if she asked me to stop completely. I agree with you that it is something inside us that drives us to dress.
Sarah
Hi Sarah, thank you for sharing and especially for including the letter. That was a deeply personal message to your wife and allowing us to read it is very brave. I wish you and your wife all the love and happiness the world can give you. You both deserve it.
Hugs, Jillian
Sarah
Omg girl thank you for writing this article. You talked about the value being someone can use parts of it to help explain to their wife…well guess what that will be me, As I am not out yet but hope to be next month I’m going weave part of it into my first letter but will save the other parts for my second letter. Explaining what CDH is was a struggle for me and you summed it up perfectly. I feel the exact same way as you do about CDH so I hope you don’t mind if I copy parts of it. Well done and thank you! Lastly I hope to see you at a convention next year and we can celebrate our progress!
hugs
Carole
Hey Carole, Use as much of it as you need. As you already know the support you have here is limitless and we are all have your back as you work towards that period where you plan to come out to your wife. Might be hard to see me at a convention until travel around the world resumes, but you never know..............One day!! Sarah
Hi Sarah,
Let your wife know that we are very sympathetic to the difficulties of being married to a cross dresser. One of the most important reasons for cross dressing was left out. We don’t actually know why we do it.
It is not impossible that she cannot cope with it, and then the path is straight forward. It seems like the spouses who accept this strange quirk in their husbands go on to have a deeper connection. He is able to share his deepest secrets with you, which is the most intimate thing anyone can do. Don’t be afraid to use the acceptance to your advantage. If you are able to go there, he owes you big time. I wish you both happiness and love as you navigate this new chapter in your life.
Hey Melinda. You are so right, We know how we feel when dressed but what drives this in us would be too hard to try and explain. My wife has been very understanding over the last two years but I have come to realise that from time to time there will be a bump we need to navigate together. Sometimes we will have to reset and start moving forward again, sometimes I might lose a bit of what I have before we move forward. I am grateful for what she allows so will always be happy to work in with her limitations. Thank you for your kind words. Sarah
Hi Sarah,
I found your letter very revealing and it showed to me just how different we all are. I came out to may wife last summer after 7 years of marriage and I was 58 at the time. She has been amazingly supportive although even to this day, she wishes it was not happening. My true self is that I am more female than male but I suppose it’s not quite enough to transition. I wouldn’t anyway as she is the love of my life. I have a CD friend now who I go out with most weeks and we are even going to Benidorm pride next month with our wives for 3 days. Not one piece of men’s clothing will be packed and she has even put out 4 of her black dresses for me (only this morning) as there is a back dress party while we are there. She buys me clothes and make up and we share nail varnish and other products. That said, she doesn’t want me out in our local area so at home I’m confined behind doors. I really feel for others who aren’t in this position as my life has transformed completely in a year. I am the happiest I’ve ever been and it’s due to me finally accepting my true female self. The freedom of enjoying a meal with wine in a local bar is incomparable. I’ve now told my sister, one of my sons and a couple of friends, all of whom have given me complete support. I finally love myself and thank Carla for this. I’m so glad you have found yourself and your wife is understanding. I wish you a happy future in your own skin.
Love
Carla x
Hey Carla, Thanks for reading my article. That is great that your wife is so accepting and that you are able to go away together and you can be dressed as Carla the whole time. I would like to get to this point in my own relationship but know that it would take a lot of time to pass or may actually never get to that point. It is also great that have support of some of your family and friends. I envy you.
Sarah
Great communication between you!!!
