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Let me jump into the deep end and see if I can make my way to the surface. There have been some great comments on my past posts and recently in the submitted articles that I’ve proofread. Being the girl in the back of the room who is analyzing everything and everyone, it got me thinking. Whose voice speaks in your conscious? Your female or male voice? Both? Someone else?
As an author, my head is always full of characters telling me what’s going to happen next and how to put it down in words. I’ve had my share of conversations with them, too. Sometimes it happens out loud. When I thought about this, it took me even deeper into contemplation and examination. When I was young, there wasn’t a female voice trying to convince me that I needed to wear thigh-high stockings and 6-inch platform shoes; it was just a need that I had. The voice that I heard afterward was male… full of condemnation and false promises. I can’t recall now when that voice became softer and more compassionate, switching to female.
My male (inner voice) is still there, only ever present when being (mostly) male, and then sharing space with my inner Brina’s voice. Over the last 10-plus years, she has been the guiding voice that speaks. Does that mean… Yeah, I don’t know either.
Am I transgender? Maybe, but… if I am truthful to myself, then just the fact that I or any of us who are drawn to femininity are probably placed somewhere on the transgender spectrum. Sure, it might only be ten percent instead of 60%, but we don’t just identify or have empathy with being female; we want it to be true in the way we (almost religiously) go about becoming that ideal. Where on the spectrum do you have to reach in order to say that one should transition and has crossed the line of being a “Crossdresser?” If I’m only at 70% and transition, does the other 30% male fill the role of background whisperer that my female persona once played? Nothing is harder than knowing you are a mutt… maybe lovable, but still a concoction thrown together. I envy those who know early in life and have the opportunity to fix both their physical and mental appearance accordingly.
This older broad would tell her younger self… “Take the blockers, do the HRT” because a life hasn’t already been lived with responsibility and consequences. To undertake it at age 65 is maybe slightly better than at 50 or even 35. I’m already at the stage where some of my masculinity is naturally blending towards female. I pass easier than I used to, but I’ve given up so much time in worry and wonder in the past that I have missed what transition at 40 might have been in a “Woman’s World.” Why should I now… Isn’t it easier to just be all female in my mind and live with the best I can do with what I have to work with. I’m not alone; for many, that is the case. What I will always have to live with is: “What if…”
Back to those voices and my point. Somewhere along the road, the guilt (it sticks around) and shame (it slowly morphs into understanding and acceptance) tend to ease, and we come to feel what our subconscious was trying to tell us all along: “We have strong female tendencies, and they trump our manly notions.” It’s true, some amongst us can occasionally feel the desire to completely dress, even drown in the pink fog for a while before jettisoning all remnants of femininity and happily returning to their male ego. My guess is that this is a small proportion of our extended family. Some may have only the desire to wear women’s underwear, and that is their only tie to being a CD, a guy who likes silk panties. A woman who likes to wear men’s boxers? See my point?
There are so many complexities in what they, and I mean every nook of the crossdressing existence, the transgender beliefs, and the population in general, signify as to what will fittingly describe what we are. Can I occasionally fully dress to the point of being totally accepted as a female and still be a heterosexual male? Does sexual orientation belong in the definition and conclusion? The mind and body’s make-up of estrogen versus testosterone can have something to say about it, but… we are enticed and drawn to that which makes our heart beat faster with passion. All of our senses fire to enlighten us as to what encapsulates us. Alice could take us down the rabbit hole, and we’d never reach the surface again if we tried to postulate it… I believe there is some correlation; I’ll leave it at that.
What I don’t know, because I’ve never asked, and I’ve never seen any official study, is what “Normal” men and women think? You’re laughing, aren’t you? We know that there is no such thing as a normal man or woman, only more feminine or masculine. Does a nearly pure woman ever think about not doing everything feminine (not shaving her legs or wearing softer clothing, perfumes, makeup, heels...) and taking on a societal take on being masculine? My guess is yes, they do… when they take it all off and put on their sweats and binge-watch television for a weekend. The man… not so fast, my friend, as Lee Corso would say. He might have an inkling of wanting to know what it feels like to put on nylons or that silk teddy, maybe even doing so. After a snicker or two, he moves on, and it becomes a fleeting memory. But for those like us, it becomes a wake-up call, and we’ve suddenly learned that we aren’t the one percenters. We want more, and the female voice will soon begin to whisper from within.
Living in the shadows encompasses so much when you are a crossdresser or one who might be more. We want what is feminine, and we want it to go away and leave us alone... until... what is feminine is something that we can no longer reject needing and wanting. I think that is when our voice of consciousness turns more feminine. Like most of our mothers, that voice is the one with compassion and understanding. The one that embraces and accepts. Some of us will never step out of the shadows and into the light. Contentment is personal and relegated by life and responsibility. My happiness is not another’s, nor is it up to them to impose their definition on me. In a world where it is becoming easier to be divisive, let us move ever more toward being inclusive. It is an old cliché: “You have to walk in someone else’s shoes.” Couldn’t be more fitting for us crossdressers…
When I see the wonderful pictures of the girls who are out and enjoying their lives in the public eye, I do wish I could be more like them. I hope to be, even if it’s when I’m 90. But it is in no way a lessening reflection of who I am. It is not a definition that I will live by. No matter the moment or the milestone, my heartfelt response to all those brave (even if little) steps forward that each of us takes will always be, “You go, Girl!”
May the light of femininity grace you with contentment and peace.
Until next time…
@bmactavish fabulous article and much to think about , I view my femininity in the opposite way I view ideology, just as I believe that ideologies are not the natural way of the world my femininity is just that it's 's my natural order. I've yet to fully embrace the 'clothes side ' of it but I'm certainly fully dressed inside . Is it a chicken and egg thing ? I'm sure curiousity plays a part for some when they dress for the first time and discover the pleasure it brings or is it just the fact that it was the natural thing to do . I still feel the same as I did all those decades ago and I'm glad I still do .
Good points, and I agree. Being who we are isn't just something that manifests after innocently trying on your sister's clothing, so to speak. It was always there, but to what extent it is displayed throughout one's life is dependent on so many things. Some are better at ignoring it, probably going through life less happy and balanced, always wondering why life seems "Off". Thanks for the comments!
Hi Sabrina, thanks for writing about this, as I've been trying to work out what's going on in my head!
For me, I didn't originally distinguish the voice in my head that would urge/push me to CD/TG areas. Since joining CDH, I had to choose a name, and now, Felicia IS that voice in my head. As I put to someone else, I had to name this person, breathe life into her, and now I am trying to figure out how to reconcile the two!
I will say, having come to this site daily for a month or so, I'm getting good at switching between male and female roles. The emotional side of things, such as the feelings that whomever is "in control" feels, not as much. But, taking it one day at a time and trying to address each voice's needs seems to help, not to mention fellow CDH'ers!
Sounds like what most of us have gone through or are going through. It used to be more separate for me at one time, now the voice is one voice and sometimes more masculine, but that is rarer these days. My female side is the voice that is most always with me now. Thanks for the comments!
@bmactavish Wow - you said it exactly! This is exactly where I'm at too. It seems we are at a very similar point in our journey. Could've, should've, would've?! Should we, could we? When, where and how? Cost/benefit. Sometimes the enemy of good is better, but what if better is actually better?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's reassuring and comforting. Poignant and empowering.
Sabrina, I may be the first but I am sure I am not the last to comment on one of your thought CD provoking articles.. I consider myself balancing my alter egos Masculine vs Femine. As I started my CD journey the “pendulum” was 30% feminine and 70% Male. As 10 years go by I have realized, if I may quote you, “strong female tendencies, and they trump our manly notions.” The swing of the pendulum at the present, for me, 70%-30% Feminine..Thank you Sabrina. You have the knack to give our CD journey a perspective for which we all can relate. Thank you for your friendship and support for all the pretty ladies here at CDH
Warmest regards,
Leonara 🌹
I can't tell if my inner voice is male or female. I don't remember being caught playing with my mother's clothes or my sisters but I know somewhere I was given the idea that it was unacceptable and I hide my fondness for women's clothes. Early in life (maybe around 11 years old) I also developed the attitude that I was OK. Crossdressing was part of who I was. Different than most....sure but, I didn't feel the shame that many girls have expressed here on CDH. When hormones took over I abandoned the dressing but only for a while. I ended up in a relationship that was not good for anyone and escaped with alcohol and dressing. Now that the world has given me the words to describe myself I do say I am on the transgender spectrum. My struggle to pinpoint where exactly I fit in is most likely a remnant of the label that society wants to put on me. I catch myself saying I'm JUST a crossdresser. Not quite Trans enough. My hope is to live the ideals of that 11 year old boy. Just give me the label of OK.
Thanks for the article Brina
@midwesterngirl sorry to hear of your past troubles and I so hope that the innocent ideals of that 11 year old continue to flourish x
Thanks for the comments! I agree with the sentiment that others spend more effort trying to define us than is necessary. It's not just the outside, but those who are similar, who want to create boxes for us to fit in. I think there is much more to it than just the clothes or the willingness to engage in public. It is more about the pure essence and desire to be more feminine in whatever manner that implies. From clothing to transition.
Another good read hun,I would say this, but this is my own personal experience, I have had fantasies about being female, and that's all they were, my own personal experiences when talking to TS (m to f) it's not about fantasies, they truly believe that they were born into the wrong body and the only way they are going to live there life is by transitioning...
Yes, I would agree with that thought. My retrospective is aimed at all of us who are not near that level. We get along with our maleness and our female side, making it extremely hard to know which would make us happier. Thanks for the comments!
Thank you Brina for another thought provoking article.
I am going to spend some time deep in thought. I have a few things to reconcile and articles like yours, really help. 🙂
Hugs,
Autumn
“We have strong female tendencies, and they trump our manly notions."
YES !
Sabrina. Thank you so much for yet another thought provoking and intelligent article. I have thought of myself as a transvestite (or Crossdresser) for over 50 years, but over the past year have realised slowly that I am probably also transgender. This dawning realisation has (amongst other things) resulted in me joining Transgender Heaven about 5 times before leaving the site due to me still not being sure that I belong there…I even had the honour of my profile photo being a featured photo on there at one point…I loved that. Guess what I am trying to say is that as I get closer to seventy, my masculine and feminine sides are blurring. I don’t think that I have any desire to transition, but the thought of taking hormones occasionally comes to mind. Maybe I should rejoin TGH? Thank you again, Hugs, Wendy xx
Thanks for the comments! Many people cross between the sites. Each one has relevant information for whatever stage you are at. It's up to each of us to utilize the benefits in accordance with the answers or input we are after. You could say I keep a foot in each one 🙂
Another very good article Sabrina! It makes you think about both of the sides of us, that we deal with daily. As someone who is out in the public eye, I see myself in much of what you talk about here. How I grew from being in private, to wanting to be out doing regular everyday things. Overcoming many things that were holding me back from the next step. Whether big or small. And making a leap now and then that gave confidence to continue on. Now, having gone past major responsibilities and commitments, I choose to be the more fem side of myself the majority of the time and not pay much attention to the boy side unless called upon by family. I too, wonder what if I had begun this journey at an earlier date. But I seem to be making it work now, at this point, for my needs.
Thank you for this writing Brina. I'm very glad you're here and I'm glad to be a part of this. Thank you, take care! Hugs, Steffanie
What nice comments! Thank you 🙂 In recognition of my recent birthday, I went grocery shopping as if I were that older gal who stopped after church for a few items. There were a few nice comments, and if they were commenting or staring after I walked past, I'm going to believe it was in admiration of how good I looked or the way I rocked those (low) heels. I happen to be one of those who can do public, but don't feel a pressing need. I do plan on being out much more and finding the casual side to complement the glamor. My next goal is a "girls' trip" somewhere. Like you, I want my blend to be ever more feminine!
Sabrina, your articles always seem to resonate with me. I’ve always thought that CD and Transgender are just the degree to which we need to be female. Some need to be 100% and others can or (because of life’s circumstances) have to be content with less. Maybe content is the wrong word and that is why some of us will always struggle with who we really are.
Thanks for another thought provoking article and as for my inner voice, I like to think that it is a little softer and fits a little better with my inner girl.
AnnaBeth
Thanks for the kind compliment! There is a stigma in being labeled one or the other; this line that one must stay behind or cross over to be accepted. As in "All tortoises are turtles, but not all turtles are tortoises..." Even with this, some will say, "See, told you!" as others say, "Hmm? What?" We impose this on ourselves in many ways. I don't want to say trans for fear it means that I have to be and do something other than what I'm doing. Personally, I think it would be better if we came up with a different set of terminology. I think that we have outgrown the word "Crossdresser" and the implication it once meant. It belongs to those who occasionally wear the attire of the opposite sex, like in a play or at Halloween. Trans should be more about those who align with being female, regardless of where they are on the path. And... then the rest of us that are in between. What describes our need to be one moment in the feminine world and the next in the male world? Maybe the world would treat us better if we had a more true label...
@bmactavish Oh yes Sabrina, I wholeheartedly agree. Retire the term crossdresser. We are more than men who occasionally wear a dress even if we don’t feel comfortable being 100% female.
Maybe this should be my next post... what are we? What describes the majority of us that doesn't sound negative? I'll have to do some digging...
@bmactavish I don’t see any negativity in the word crossdresser. It’s the name of the site. And it describes the majority of us here on it. It’s not broken.
Myself, I’m proud to be labeled a crossdresser. It covers a wide gamut just fine. I’ve never understood the “new names for stuff” that modern society has a crazy obsession with. Renaming things that don’t need new names. Just my own humble opinion, as always🥰
GP
Thanks for the input! It will be interesting to see what others have to say, too.
Thank you for another lovely article, Sabrina! It certainly resonated with me and I enjoyed all the comments that followed from our peers noted below. I have always wished to be able to just be 'me'. I would love to float between the male and female, yin/yang that is our lives as crossdressers. I do mentally and wish I could express that in how I present myself on any given day. As I age, that is a stronger pull daily. Where does it lead? Society has a lot to say about how far I will go to protect relationships. As always, another wonderful, thought provoking article. Thank you!!
Thank you for the insightful comments, Janet. I agree! The pull is only getting stronger, and if I'm not, I'm thinking about it...
I love it when a writing causes me to stop and think deeply and this one doesn't disappoint. I have never considered whether my inner voice is specifically gendered or not. I tried to think about it in the present as compared to the past and I still can't make a what I would consider a definite distinction. It's just "me" and if anything it would be a blend of masculine and feminine but not fully one or the other and not prone to switching back and forth. I have also recently been reflecting on my past and have come to realize that I've been a "blend" for as long as I can recall. While externally I dressed for the part as a male and battled the feminine side of me for years, I was, by no stretch of the imagination, a man's man nor would I consider myself overtly "girly" either. In recent years I've made significant progress toward self acceptance and started to engage with the external world in feminine form. This has given me freedom from trying to starve or neglect a very real part of me. If anything, this has shifted the balance of my inner voice more toward the feminine than before but it's still a well homogenized blend.
I can relate to that. Blended is what I've been morphing into for years (Not necessarily as perfected as I'd like). That voice is mine (which is more feminine now), and rarely does it sound like it did when I fought this. And... that is a good thing. I am what I am, and I like this person so much better than the one I used to be. I still have issues, we all do, but all those sneaking around days are behind me as I live my blended life. Thanks for the comments and for reading! 🙂
Thanks for another interesting and insightful article Brina!
I too are one of those who isn't sure if I'm really fully trans though I confess I started thinking of myself as trans even though I'm not full time.
That is a price I'm not yet willing to pay, in large part because my wife has said she does not believe she can not support me if I were female full time.
So I do wonder what on Earth I really am? However does it matter, unfortunately it does to me!
Either way I am so happy being Amy which is fairly often, as I'm also out and about often as Amy in large part because I'm President of a large MtF support and social group here in Ontario. This group and CDH were one of the biggest factors in gaining the skill and confidence to go out.
This has become a huge factor for me, going out in public and often in busy places is what I absolutely love and it makes me feel so female, if that makes sense to you.
Where I live in Ontario Canada we enjoy a high degree of acceptance which helps needless to say.
Amy
Thanks for the comments, Amy. Glad you have all your support and a place to be you. I'm at that crossroads where I debate starting HRT just to confirm what I feel and if this would be the right path. I go back and forth. So we shall see...
Good article, I have lived two lives for very long and my female side has become stronger as I age . I very much relate to what you are saying .
Jeanette
Thanks, Jeanette! I think my life is more female now, at least in mind and spirit. I do male to keep up appearances.
