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I’ve been a cross dresser for really as long as I can remember. I’d have between 10-20 items at a time and have purged often, always careful not to get “caught”. I’ve been in a few long-term relationships (2+ years) and an 11-year marriage as well, never letting a single person know about my cross dressing. Anytime I thought maybe I could or couldn’t. Anyway, I made a conscious choice to remain deep in the closet for many years! My “dressing” has been almost obsessive for the last 8-9 months and I started purchasing makeup, clothing, shoes, wigs, and jewelry. I’d been really struggling with telling my wife about my self-proclaimed “perversion” but couldn’t. I was dressing every time I was alone and even started wearing a small amount of eyeliner and mascara daily. More on that later. 😉 I was and still am unsure of what I am. Boy or girl......?????? Life, I feel started to change for me at the beginning of March when I told my current partner of 3.5 years that I was a cross dresser.
I just blurted it out “I’m a cross dresser”! It seems unreal but it was all I could get out. None of the practiced scenarios or carefully timed and planned occasions arrived and if they did, I had let them slip away either unnoticed or unfulfilled. My partners reaction was exactly what I should have expected, she was angry and worried and hurt and felt betrayed. She had a thousand questions all at one time and I answered as honestly and as clearly as I could. It was strange because I felt that with every question, I dug myself a little deeper into a hole I really didn’t want to be in. I could see that each question was asked with equal parts of dread and fear. Each of my answers seemed incomplete. It lasted for what felt like days but in reality, was only about 20-30 minutes. I had no idea, when it was over, if I was still in a relationship or not. She just said that she’d need time to think. I left it at that and after a long night of sleeplessness and worrying that I may have used a “maybe” card when I ought to have used a “maybe not” card. After all, this lady is the love of my life, the one, she’s the only person I have ever felt deeper than flesh. She energizes me by just being. I was making a coffee when she told me she didn’t care what I did she just didn’t want to know about it. I could again hear the fear in her words and they hurt when they should’ve probably been a relief.
Fast-forward 6 weeks and last night we were laying in bed and out of the blue she brought up how badly she felt for the way she had reacted to my announcement. She let me know that she’s been thinking about our life together and the reasons she loved it so much. She said that she’d found things that were odd like a few makeup items and shirt or two that she couldn’t remember buying but liked them and has now claimed them for herself. She assured me I can have them back. She said that she still loves me and that she wants to be supportive. She wants me to just be me. She doesn’t think that how I dress is going to change any of the reasons she is in love with me.
I sit today and wonder about where I will go from here. How far will I allow myself to go? Will I be able to get past my fear of rejection? Will I allow myself to be me, whoever that might be? Will the people I love accept me and does that really matter? Will others accept me?
I consider myself a very lucky lady right now! I have something today that I wouldn’t have had if I had not taken a chance on me. I have a partner that pledges her support for me through everything. To all the ladies out there, I wish you all the same blessing! And so many more.......
- When you girls finally got up the guts to have “The Talk” with your wife or significant other, what kind of reaction did you receive from her?
- Was your wife or SO initially in shock and then later became quite accepting of your cross dressing because of the level of unconditional love she had for you?
- Right now, what are some of the limitations your wife or SO has placed on your thrill of cross dressing?
Girls, please take the time to answer one or more of the above questions I’ve posed to you. I would love to hear your answers and compare them with the answers I have to those questions right now.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my article and I look forward to hearing from you encouraging and supportive CDH girls who are members of this wonderful site!
Sincerely, Rilee
Rilee,
I was in your heels 4 years ago and finally told my wife of then 20 years. I did not blurt it out like you but I wanted to control the message. My wife knew of my interest in wearing panties prior to marriage. Weird? Sure. But she felt it was fairly harmless as long as the styles were not too trashy. After the first 10 years of marriage I tried to be a little “playful” and try on one of her camisoles to see how she might respond. I was shut down. So I dressed in private. So after 20 years of marriage it boiled up again. Guilt, deceit and maybe a tinge of "maybe she'll be very ok with it" made me come clean. It was a big risk and it may have been the end of our marriage. I had to tell her out of my love for her and me wanting to be true to myself. I confessed in an 8 page letter outlining everything about my past present and potential future hopes. The letter helped me understand my inner thoughts and feelings and what I hoped for going forward. She read it, had a few questions and she was more concerned about me and my burden then the content of the letter. Crisis averted? Not completely. It's kind of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' scenario now. The letter allowed me time to put most of my thoughts in a positive proactive light instead of being defensive and fumbling for words in an already awkward and tense face to face Q&A session. Reading the letter gave her a better understanding from which to ask questions, have open discussions and possibly seek out a counselor or therapist.
We have not really talked about it since that day i gave her the letter but she backhandedly alludes to it every now and then. With this ongoing stay-in-place situation for the pat 1 1/2 months I have been without any chance to assume my "Jamie" persona. So, I was thinking about brining it up again because I am getting very antsy. Unfortunately she needed to travel to attend to to her elderly parents for the past week so we didn't have the talk. Though, with her being away these past 5 days it has allowed me to assume the Jamie roll while I work from home for 8+ hours each day. It's weird that when you get to dress the way you like everyday without worrying you tend to forget you're dressed. it becomes just "normal". So, she comes back tomorrow with me having mixed emotions. 'Yeah' and 'Sigh' at the same time. Even though Jamie had this week to herself I may still need to have the conversation to see if anything has changed over these past 4 years.
Best of luck!
