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So I’m a long time crossdresser who has decided to come out to his wife after 23 years of marriage. So why now you might ask. There are two reasons, the first being me going through a health scare which caused me to accept my mortality and the second being that I retired early and now have the time I never had to explore being Carole. Prior to that Carole was only able to come out on a very sporadic basis.
As a result of my renewed desire to be Carole I have gotten a therapist and also have explored CDH to a much greater degree than when I joined a while back. I have made some great friends for which one has become a closer friend than most of my male persona friends I have known in person for decades. I am able to share who I am with her and she has been so great with her friendship, her ear to listen to me and her advice and counsel. Other friends on CDH have been so kind and caring, the network is unbelievable! Then add the Chat feature where you can talk to so many girls that share their experiences, dreams and advice. We even had an online bachelorette party for one of the girls one time! To all of my friends, whether I talk to you everyday or once in a while, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lastly the articles and forums provide an unfathomable amount of information. I never realized what was at my fingertips until I needed it Thank you to all of those that make CDH what it is!
My fourth visit to my therapist is in a few days. I had gone to her for one visit a few years ago and told her it was all about work stress and that I needed her help but bailed on going to see her after my wife saw the remaining bill from our insurance company. So going back to her, she was ready to follow up on the stress conversation until a few minutes in I blurted out that I was a crossdresser. I remember thinking as she was talking to me, should I tell her or not tell her but I am so glad that I did. Through our conversations I have discovered a few things.
The first being that I have had deep feelings of being ashamed and embarrassed of my other which resulted in me being aggressive in other behaviors such as being more masculine, not showing my feelings, and being right in everything. Being right meant that I would debate with my wife as I had to be right on any issue small or large. I now realize that it was my insecurities about who I was that caused me to over compensate. This led to me writing an apology letter to her and to also do it in person. I cried writing the note as I felt so bad but also because it was such a release of my feelings. The second revelation is that I realized that I have been alone my whole life with regards to being Carole but that meant I could never share my whole self with anyone I had to hide and not let people know that feminine side of me. The realization of the weight of carrying that secret of mine finally came to light. It was immense once I reflected on its toll it had taken on me.
So that brings me to today. My plan is to tell my wife about me and about that other side of me in the next 45 or so days. My therapist has been very helpful with helping me plan it out. Maybe not plan but more so to put some structure around it. Everyone’s situation is different so you don’t know what the reaction will be. My normal type of person wants to follow a playbook that will lead to success. That's not me anymore though. Everything can’t be planned out. I’m going to tell her, I owe her that much and then she can make the decision. The advice from those that have done it is the same…go slow, communicate and give her time. All of which is great advice!
I’m more scared than anytime in my whole life. My life will change for sure and it could be changed quite dramatically. However, in the end, my hope is the value of the weight being off my back will offset the pain I will cause. When we've had "The Talk" and when that conversation is over, my hope is my wife and I will be in better places … hopefully together!
Wish me luck ☘️ Sincerely, Carole
- Have you had "The Talk" with your wife and how did it go?
- Did your wife have a pile of questions after you detailed your thrill of cross dressing dating back to when you were a young boy?
- When you had "The Talk" with your wife, did you tell her everything or hold back some information and if so, what didn't you tell her?
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and please take a moment to leave a response to my article or to one or more of the questions I've posed to you above.
Hi Carole,
Good Luck to you and I hope that “The Talk” goes well for you.
I appreciate your sharing your story with us as we have all been in your heels at one time or another. I wish you all the best in the future.
Keep us posted.
Hugs, Jillian
Jillian
You are an example of why I love CDH….you could have said nothing but were kind enough to wish me good thoughts! Thank you gf!
Carole,
I wish the best for you and your wife as you share Carole with her. My wife has known throughout our marriage, but it is had it’s ebbs and flows. We’re at a point now where it’s just the two of us and we’re in a good place with Natalie. Fortunately my wife has grown to appreciate what Natalie brings out in me and into our relationship. Lots of hugs and I hope all goes well!!
Natalie
Thanks for your comments!
What you have is exactly what I hope to have …how long did it take her to get there and was there anything you did or say that helped her realize that ?
Carole - it has been an evolving process. I told her about wanting to cross dress before we got married. She actually was curious and we talked about it on and off. My “collection” was only a few pieces and no wig or makeup. When kids came all bets were off, at least for a few years. I would bring it up, but it was never the right time to start again. So it wasn’t until we had problems that she was willing to talk about it again. She realized that it was an integral part of me and actually brought out things about me she really liked. As the kids got older and were out of the house more, she opened up to it and supported me much more. I hope this helps. If your wife realizes you are still you (and actually a happier and better version) than that will go a long way!
Natalie
Like you, Natalie, I made my wife aware of Dawn shortly after we got married. Unfortunately, my wife resents me. She feels like I'm stealing her husband & refers to me as a "bitch". Best of luck, Carole.
Dawn
its a shame she doesn’t realize that she fell in love with the person who has both sides. My guess it’s very hard for girls like us that want to transition versus where I am where I want to be able to express both sides. I don’t think mine will be much easier but I can tell her I don’t want to transition. Hopefully with time and knowledge she will understand and accept Carole. Who knows. Some days I feel good about some days I ask myself what am I doing. You’ve been a good friend and I thank you for that !
Carole
Hi Carole Thank you for sharing your story You are right, being connected to people in our community is so special. We all have so much in common. Being able to share your feelings without any concerns of safety. So many of us have a therapist that help us navigate something we did not ask for but have to learn this is just apart of us that needs attention also. I truly hope al goes well with your wife. I guess it is up to her how she handles it.That can be a little scary when you are accustomed to being in control of the bus. That is how my wife puts it. She does not mind being the co pilot in fact she likes it but she has to feel safe and trust the pilot of the bus My suggestion to you is do not lie if you are caught in a lie there goes the trust. You have this under control and there is no need to feel unsafe. Things are not going to change much I am assuming you are not Gay and your are have no more plans to further your transition other than presenting your self as a female sometimes. I was not brave as you are My wife found my clothes in the very back of my trunk of my car. It was just horrible for the both of us I was fortunate to have a wife that did want to understand so she read everything she could about the subject. I was also very fortunate that my wife had a friend that was gay. He explained much more than I expected. Eliminating a secret gay side of me was very important to her I do hope that your wife can at least chat with other SOs who have dealt with this issue. Having someone to talk with help alot. You know the words YOU ARE NOT ALONE with dealing with this issue. Those words can bring so much comfort to those who have the desire and those who are SOs of those that have the desire Good luck truly hope things work out between you and your wife Luv Stephanie
Steph. Thanks for your comments. Much wisdom in them. My logic in telling her was that I don’t want her to find out by finding my things. She fell in love with me and part of me is Carole so my hope is she realizes that. You are correct in your assumptions…I just want to express the Carole side of me. I don’t know exactly how much but I want to stay married and be with her
After hiding away for so many years Carole, I congratulate you on your decision to tell your wife. It is a very brave step and I am sure everyone here will give you all the support you need. I truly hope that she accepts your choices as my wife has, as you will be a better person without the guilt that you can feel.
Marie x
Marie
Your comment about being a better person with the guilt off my back is clearly a benefit for I believe will be bigger than I can imagine. With it comes the grief I will cause my wife and I struggle with that. I’ve always been the pleaser. My hope in the long run that my wife will see that it makes me a better person even for her . Thank you for your note and well wishes…I will need them!
Carole
Hi Carole,
Very thought provoking article. I will be waiting to find out how things go with your wife, and wish you all the luck in the world.
I felt very much alone in my first marriage, which eventually ended primarily as a result of my wife not being able to deal with my crossdressing at all. After we split I vowed I would not make the same mistake of hiding my crossdressing, so on our second data I told my now current wife (we have been together for almost 20 years now) about Rikki.
She has been much more tolerant than my first wife (she is even becoming more supportive as time goes by and she sees that my dressing is simply part of who I am, and not some sort of fetish or habit. However sadly, as you probably know, not all wives are able to handle the disclosure, or process that their male life partner has a very strong feminine component, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Rikki
If I could turn back time as Cher sings I would have told her early on before we got married but that didn’t happen so here I am. My hope is my wife can evolve to where your second wife is. I’m scared though and still almost everyday rethink my decision to tell her. I’ve been ending up in the same place I need to tell her. Thanks so much…please keep those fingers crossed and thank you for the friend request!
Carole
I think it takes real courage to confront the situation and deal with it. I wish I had your bravery. Will be hoping for the best outcome for you. And I will be with you at every step.
Michelle
GF…you are the best. I know I will need every prayer, every wish of luck and whatever anyone else can throw in. I’m scared. Brave would have been telling her first thing. I feel I owe this to her…to not get surprised, to make decision stay or go maybe. It will kill me if she decides to go but she is a wonderful woman…best I’ve known so I feel I should do it. Thank you for being there already and for being there ahead!
carole
Hi and wow now that you can dress up in front of wife and be excepted as Carole. you are so lucky to have a wife to except your CDing and let you be your self and free. you look great. wish you all the happiness. Lucinda
Lucinda
Thanks for your note. I’m not there yet. Planning in telling her next month. I wanted to share my thoughts as I contemplate/ plan on telling her.
Carole
Good luck with telling your wife. I told my wife 40 years ago. We will be married 50 years next month. Needless to say my wife was shocked when I told her. Every marriage is different. Balance is the keyword in my life.
Teri
First thank you for your note and well wishes. The consensus is tell her as early as you can and boy…well maybe girl that is so right! I wish I would have but I was at the point that I thought it would go away or I could hide it. There was no resource that I knew that I could have gotten the advice and counsel like I have from CDH. So I am at a much different place and I have to thank CHD, my friends here and for sure my therapist. She has been nothing short of fantastic!
I’ll take all the well wishes I can…I’m going to need them.,
carole
Every marriage is different. Some wives are happy their husbands told them. Some feel betrayed. Some are so shocked that they end the marriage. For me its all about Balance. My family always comes first. I love being a grandfather, but I also love getting my hair done and go shopping in the mall. I know that Terri will always be part of me. If I had known that I would have told my wife before we married. But I think if I had she wouldn't have married me.
I totally agree on the balance. What makes me feel a little better is that I don’t want to transition. My heart goes out to those that do. I think my situation is a challenge theirs is much more.
I agree. I am not one for surgery or hormones. I sometimes dream that if my family situation was different, I would get implants and live as a woman. But I love my family. Holding my grandchildren in my arms is wonderful. But also is getting my hair done and going out is too. Good luck.
Yours Terri
Hey Carole.
Not easy laying it all out but I hope that your writing this article has added a bit more confidence to what you are planning to do. As many have already said, we are all here for you. Good Luck to you.
Sarah
Sarah
Thank you so much fir your reply. I’ve appreciated our friendship again just showing how good CDH is. Writing the article has helped and hearing from everyone has to even of it’s about a bad result from telling their wife. That’s a possible outcome I need to be ready for. Again hugs gf…thank you!
Carole, thank you for writing a thought provoking article that many of us ladies can relate… about five years ago my “talk” with my wife was precipitated due to her coming home early and met Leonara for the first time… I was a deer in lights..many questions: gay no… seek therapy; little did I know when I was careless, she was relieved that she saw lipstick on a coffee cup was another woman! Kathy continues to process her husband’s revelation…and requests if and when I express my feminine side, she is not home… “don’t ask don’t tell” is our compromise… we celebrated our 50th Anniversary recently…with therapy, I have accepted balancing my alter egos but the scale is definitely on the feminine side..
Carole, I wish you have a positive result with your “talk”. support from your spouse is very important.. I hope my experience helps…
hugs, Leonara
Thank you Carol for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Carol, you are in a similar situation to me. I have been married a long time and had not told my wife. My wife found out accidently several months ago - found a session I had on CDH. I had a lot of difficult explaining to do, but have gotten reluctant acceptance. Having the talk may be a better way to go.
Alice Black
Alice. Thanks for your kind note. So that’s why I’m telling her. The advice here is that it’s always better her hearing directly from you versus finding out. As much as sometimes I think I could hide Carole away I’ve learned as we all do that our girl self always comes back with a vengeance. I know I can’t put her away and my therapist has helped me realize that she’s not bad. Assuming I don’t chicken out I will send an update. Thanks again !
I have told my wife, it's the best thing I've ever done, she tells me thank god for Brianna, I had the same Male emotions, almost divorced over my aggressive behavior. The absolute scariest thing I've ever done, but it fixed our marriage and now we enjoy coffee, laughter, games, date night, dressing up on sundays, she bought herself new outfits to dress up with me. I now truly have 2 BFF's in the same person.
Make sure you show how caring and sympathetic, understanding, Beautiful, and fun you can be.
Good luck,
Xx
Brianna
Brianna
omg…that is exactly the way I want it to go! Totally with you on hiding our girl side causes the aggressive attitude. I always have to be right and would argue over the smallest things. I pray each night that it will go your way as I’m scared. I don’t know if she has that in her. I guess we will see. I’m so happy that you shared your story as we all need to see the positive ones. There are so many negative ones that we need to balance out ! Thank you for your encouragement!
Carole, thank you for writing such a nice letter. I know how difficult it is to come out to your significant other. I was in the very same situation as you. I went ahead and told her because I didn't want her to find out by accident. I wanted to be honest with her because she deserved that and I loved her very much. I knew it was something that had to be done and I was scared to death about what could possibly happen when I told her. It happened one night when we just got into bed for the night. We had been watching tv in bed for a few minutes and I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I spurted out to her that I thought I needed to explore my feminine side. I didn't know what happened but it did. All of a sudden there were 10,000 questions. Was I gay, did I have a boyfriend, did I want the surgery, do I still love her and on and on and on. After about 15 minutes of solid questioning, I told her I was going to go sit on the couch and watch something on tv. Shortly thereafter, she came out to the living room and handed me 3 pairs of her panties. She told me to start wearing panties everyday to be sure if that is what I wanted to do. In the morning when I got ready for work, I put on a pair of panties and I immediately knew this is the way I had to go. From that point on, I slowly introduced some new items to my wardrobe. I did it slowly so as not to overwhelm her. This went on for a couple of years and I was slowly but surely moving in the direction that I wanted to. Then one day we were in Victoria's Secret shopping. Normally, I would pick out what I wanted then when we were ready to check out, I would hand the items to her and she would pay for them. It kind of looked better doing it that way and I didn't embarrass her. One day when we were getting ready to check out, we were getting up close to the register and when I went to hand the items to her, she said "those are yours, pay for them yourself". Everyone around heard her and I didn't know what to say so I just said ok. When I handed the items to the sales associate, she asked me if I was going to put them on my Victoria's Secret credit card. I told her I didn't have one and she said that if I opened one up, I would get an extra 20% off. And so, I opened up an account and very glad I did. It was at that moment I knew that Danika had finally been freed. And since then, I have been living as Danika about 98% of the time and my wife and I are both very happy with our new situation.
Danika
i know how you feel. I’m trying to plan this all out and some days I just want to blurt it out. Maybe that will happen. I think it’s about being the right time and place so as much as I’m planning it I think that there could just be the right time.
Its great that you and your wife worked it out. If what happens to you happens to me I will be a very happy girl. I don’t think so but I’m trying to be positive,
im totally a shopper so if I would have been offered the 20% off I would have said give me a few more minutes… I need a few more things ! Lol
Thank you for your kind note. Wish me luck and a 20% discount!
