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Overcoming How We Were Programmed

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Posts: 93
Lady
Topic starter
(@sburnscoe)
Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago
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My journey of self-discovery started so long ago that I can't even remember its beginning. It could mean that my feminine feelings and desires were baked in at the start. The phases I've gone through parallelled what I've read and seen from other women like me. My interest in girls’ things goes back to childhood, the feminine feelings throughout my adolescent and teen years (in varying intensity,) thinking I had outgrown it, thinking I had "Married it away," only to have it come back, to trying on my wife's clothing, buying my own things, eventually to coming out to my wife and gaining her acceptance, and the end?

Well not so fast, it seems that with every milestone I reach, I immediately start thinking of what's next and how to push the envelope a little further. In the beginning, I dressed at home alone, and then later with my wife's help. She helped me with clothes, makeup, accessories, pretty much everything. I needed a lot of help because my instincts were so bad. Being a typical trans woman, I tended toward dresses or skirts that were too short, lips that were too red, my hair being too long, too curly, or too blonde.

Fortunately for me, my wife was there to correct and redirect me when needed. Over the next year, my clothes became more age-appropriate, my makeup more practiced, and my mannerisms more feminine. Dressing at home with my wife became comfortable; to the point that I knew it didn't bother her. I could even tell she was enjoying it more and more until one day she told me, "I like you better this way."

My wife has always been a little bossy or directive, so I went with the flow, at least while I was dressed. For example, if her clothes were in the dryer, and I needed to use it (or even if I didn't,) I would hang, fold, and put her clothes away for her. If our room was a little messy, I would straighten everything up while she was out. Whenever I dressed, I would find something to do that I knew she would like and would also save her from having to do it.

Maybe this was a bit manipulative, but I wanted her to associate my feminine side with being something positive for her. This seemed to satisfy me for about a year until the urge to go out started to hit me. Like a lot of girls, my first outing was to the gas station to fill up (how brave?) The next outing was the Wendy's drive-through. I finally worked up the courage to go into a Walgreens, making sure it was one in a different part of the city. It took place during the pandemic when I wore a mask along with my dress and heels. I remember walking through the front door, my purse slung over my shoulder just as I practiced many times at home. I expected the Earth to spin off its axis, but nothing happened. Nothing except me picking out some lipstick, and standing in line to pay for it, and then getting back in my car.

Over the following weeks and months, I took every opportunity to get out. Sometimes, I would go in, and other times I chickened out, leaving without even getting out of my car. I started choosing my spots, such as TJ Maxx or CVS, usually going in the evenings about 30 minutes before closing time when virtually no one were in the store. Gradually, I began to go earlier when there were more people. I made it a point to buy something (even if I didn't need it) just to stand in line with the rest of the women and pay. It may seem like small steps, but to me they represented progress.

In August of 2021, I started attending an affirming church. To my amazement, there were several in my area (Jackson, Mississippi). From the moment I walked through the door, my life changed for the better. In addition to the membership, which is 95% LGBTQIA+, I became connected to PFLAG, Capital City Pride, The Trans Program, and an organization where I can volunteer as a woman.

During these "Outings" what stood out the most was how no one seemed to care, even that no one seemed to notice. Over the last couple of years, I’ve been going pretty much anywhere, any time of day. Recently, I went to our neighborhood grocery store at 9:00 in the morning. Also, I've started asking my wife to make shopping lists, so I don't rush in and rush out. It takes me a while to find what she wants, giving me time to search up and down the aisles. Once I have everything on her list, I select the longest line so that it takes longer to check out.

Just this morning, I was dressed and running some errands when my wife texted to tell me she had a prescription at CVS to pick up. "Why not?" I marched in, went to the pharmacy, and walked out with her prescription.

Just remember girls, it takes time to undo a lifetime of conditioning. We've all been taught that boys don't wear dresses or makeup or other typically female items. Well, yes they do, yes we do, and yes I do.

My most enjoyable times are spent as a woman, especially with my wife as two women. Everything feminine makes me so happy; it's hard to explain. So I'll keep dressing, and I hope all of you will, too. Please ask me anything, I always love chatting with my girlfriends.

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62 Replies
17 Replies
Lady
(@maive)
Joined: 2 years ago

Estimable Member     Western NY, New York, United States of America
Posts: 110

@sburnscoe Your article hit a nerve, Suzanne. The conditioning we went through as we grew up was against everything I wanted. Even now I hear things my friends and relatives say about Trans people, and I cringe. It brings a brief shame to me knowing I am one of the people they dislike. I am very slowly accepting myself, even this late in my life. My wife is also starting to be a help and accepting. And as you state, yes, we do and yes, I do!!!!! Thank you for the article!

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I always try to make sure my wife experiences the new and improved me when I'm Suzanne. As a woman we are partners and equals and I love it this way. I get to let go of being the decision maker and head of the household. Instead of just doing this or that, I ask for her permission. When I finish my makeup I ask her opinion and make whatever changes she suggests.
As Suzanne I make the bed, do the laundry, put the dishes away, run the vacuum, how could she not like it?

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Baroness
(@kayrod)
Joined: 2 months ago

Eminent Member     West Des Moines, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 9

@sburnscoe I have a very similar relationship with my wife.  She helps me a lot with my makeup and clothes.  She will definitely tell me if something doesn't look good on me.  Lol

I really love that we've been able to move beyond the standard 'husband and wife' programming and make room for more of my femme caretaker nature to come forward.   

Thanks for sharing this beautiful experience with us. ❤️❤️

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Duchess
(@aliceblack)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     Massachusetts, United States of America
Posts: 393

My wife is disabled so besides being the head of the household, I wind up doing all her jobs and of course, she likes it.

A question -you use the phrase new and improved me. I am wondering if a more appropriate phrasing is new and different. I think being more femme makes us more different for sure. Whether it improves us, is something more up in the air if you follow what I am saying.

Alice Black

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I guess I was speaking for myself. It improves me for sure.
Thanks for taking time to read and comment on my article.

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Lady
(@gr5421)
Joined: 7 years ago

Estimable Member     Long island, New York, United States of America
Posts: 103

@sburnscoe My first outing was also to fill up the tank with gas. Then I went to a McDonalds drive through, before working up the courage to go to a CVS, about a half hour before closing!

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Maybe this is just another thing us girls have in common. Thanks for commenting.

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(@alexandravinda)
Joined: 2 months ago

Eminent Member     Helsingborg, Skane, Sweden
Posts: 14

@sburnscoe Dear Suzanne, what a nice way to start the day, reading your words from my home in southern Sweden, sun pouring in through the window. I, like most of our group of girls, often think about the issues you pose. So, I consider this "Overcoming how we were programmed" as two issues: 

1. Being imprinted, programmed and imbibed with societal and gender values. I was raised in a very conservative family, so I know of those issues.

2. Having enough introspective capacity (a strong, internal and caring viewer) to see how the values in #1. actually affect us and so profoundly hinder our self realization.

I think that #1. above is done and cannot be changed retrospectively. Number 2. contains the opportunity to change the process, demolish the walls and free the mind of its' own safety functions, which of course are in place in order to save us from not being loved, not being accepted and not being seen as the persons we are. 

From this rather tedious approach to some practicalities: When dressed in man clothes (always mixed with female clothing) I am often asked by my young students in primary school if I am a boy or a girl, love that! I tell them that I am a girl that sometimes feels like dressing as a boy. My birth gender is male, though. Also interesting to notice the reaction of my co workers: Shhhh, Elaine, you don't ask that sort of questions!

In any case, God made my face very male and I really don't easily pass as female, especially since I love dressing that is on the kinky, shiny and leather side. So, I decided to pull down a wall Smile . I went out, full outfit, my own long hair, with the express intention of opening up to being "read". I guess, that happened. Did my life change? Yes, it did, it went on in a much more relaxed way, I don't care if I am read or not. Many young girls came up to me and said my looks were fabulous, sooooo sweet. When it comes to female mannerisms I am turning into something I call "assertive femininity",  aware of the space I take and of the moves that truly feel comfortable, not moves that I envision others to see as feminine. Like, no "broken" wrists. Many years of liberating dance has also proven to be a game changer, I can there play with my full femininity and counter it with my masculine side and fun moves. Warmly recommended, "5 Rhythms" is perhaps the best known type of sessions. 

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Just keep being yourself hon.

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Lady
(@leainvancouver)
Joined: 6 months ago

Honorable Member     Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 341

@alexandravinda Thank you for your article and to you Alexandra for your response. I hac been consciously working on understanding my Anima for the past 4  years through an iterative process that involves self enquiry and the use of psychedelic therapy. It was relatively easy getting to know Lea and allowing her to express herself. By far the most difficult obstacles to overcome were the social conditioning and deeply embedded gender constructs and expectations. Even though I’ve been a feminist and a rebel since my teens, and even acted in atypical ways from most boys and men, I came to understand what a powerful grip they held me in. For this I found psychedelic therapy incredibly helpful because I allowed me to see how family and social expectations have my values and beliefs and allowed me to stand apart from them, almost as an observer. 

When we are being shaped and conditioned by family or society, you know they did a number on you when you internalize those voices and act as your own conditioner.  See girls struggling with this every time they write about the fear of appearing in public or worried about being seen by friends or family while en femme. My journey is about coming into my authenticity, self acceptance, and self love. Conditioning has left deep imprints inside us but it is possible to pull them out by their roots and replace them with unconditional love, non-judgment, and universal acceptance. 🤗❤️

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2374

Posted by: @sburnscoe

 

it seems that with every milestone I reach, I immediately start thinking of what's next and how to push the envelope a little further.

...

It may seem like small steps, but to me they represented progress.

...

it takes time to undo a lifetime of conditioning. 

 

A painter has to paint. A mechanic has to repair things. A teacher has to teach. A parent needs to learn how to be a better one.

If a girl doesn't have an attainable goal, when does she become a woman?

 

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

How true.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1881

@sburnscoe 

Interesting way your story comes to us, Suzanne. Your story is very similar to many here and divergent in other ways. Since my coming out was kind of forced on me, I told many people in my life pretty fast. Went shopping as Cassie early on,but the last store I went into was the Target store where I worked for 40 years. Fear of seeing former coworkers and coming out to them was a scary thing. But now I have been going there for about a year now, in fact I will be going shopping there in few minutes. 

Cassie 

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I was so scared for so long only to find out it was a much bigger deal to me than to anyone else.

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(@alexandravinda)
Joined: 2 months ago

Eminent Member     Helsingborg, Skane, Sweden
Posts: 14

@sburnscoe So true, so true. Also, I think that the deal is living inside me and, hang on, the deal is only between myself and myself, not myself and others. The others have nothing to do with it. Now, if "the others" choose to act in a non respectful way, well, that is an issue by itself and should be adressed in one of many ways, which is a topic by itself. Still, my experience is that othe very vast majority are accepting and some of this majority also loving. Why, the other day I was walking in the park and a teenager asked "Hey lady (in Swedish) do you know where Erikssonsgatan is?". Just love it 🤩

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(@christineth)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Brussels, Brabant, Belgium
Posts: 534

@sburnscoe Suzanne, what a great article.  Thank you for writing it.  Similarly, my wife is very understanding and supportive.  I am building up the courage to go out (very slowly) and stories like yours are very helpful and encouraging.

It is girls like you who help the general public to also accept us for being who we are.  So thank you for that too.

I am so thankful for my supportive wife and all the other SOs like her…as indeed your wife is - thank her for being so supportive from me and from the community as a whole.

Hugs Christine

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Hey girl,
Thanks for taking time to read and comment on my article. One thing I learned about going out is that almost no one even notices. I think I look OK but I'm sure I don't pass because of my size 6'2" and 250 lbs.
I've noticed when shopping around other women they don't seem to pay any attention to me at all. I wouldn't go into a biker bar or a gun shop or anywhere of the kind but I don't think anything of going to the neighborhood grocery, Petco, TJ Maxx, Ross Dress for Less, CVS, Walgreens, Target, Walmart and several other places. When I first started going out I would go like an hour before closing but now I go even in the middle of the day. I've never been bothered.
A couple of years ago I found a church (the very last place I thought I would find acceptance). The membership is about 95% LGBTQ+IA and I've made lots of connections there. It is a United Church of Christ, if there's one nearby you should check it out. If you ever want to chat my email is sburnscoe@yahoo.com.
Have a lovely day.
Huggs,
Suzanne

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Posts: 209
Lady
(@target)
Estimable Member     MPLS, Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Very sweet you are living a dream that many of us here only dream about!  Enjoy

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Thank you dear.

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Posts: 701
(@lauren114)
Noble Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Joined: 11 months ago

So true Suzanne!   I definitely feel like I have a lot to learn to overcome what was instilled in me during the time I was raised as a male.   Now that I am incorporating my femineity into my everyday life, I feel that the need to do this is more important.  I have learned a lot by observing women but I would love to have a CIS woman friend to help me move the process along faster.   

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

When I started going out I tried and tried to meet other trans women but what I discovered was that I like the company of CIS women much more. At church or at my volunteer job I'm just "one of the girls". Women are so much more interesting than men. As for incorporating femininity into my everyday like, I sleep in panties and a night gown, I also keep my legs and underarms shaved. I often wear panties under my guy clothes.
Thanks for reading my article and taking time to comment.

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Posts: 208
Duchess
(@juliarey)
Honorable Member     Somewhere between Milwaukee and Green Bay, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I enjoyed reading your story, sounded just like mine!

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I think a lot of us girls have very similar stories.

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Posts: 2652
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

Like you I started life knowing what I was and had all those conditioning elements thrown in, throwing those feminine feelings into the background. Then the coming out process that is like an apprenticeship where you have the enthusiasm but no idea.

All the mannerisms have to be learned along with finding your style. Again, like me you had a good tutor and now you are where you want to be and how many years has it taken, was it worth it? Dang right it was and now is the time to make up for those lost years and live the life dreamed of.

Thank you for such an inspiring story.

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I'm not sure what I would have done without my understanding wife. She helped me so much. Also, the more I get out the more I realize that no one seems to notice. Thanks for reading my article.

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Posts: 1370
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Noble Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

Suzanne -

Thank you for your article. Your story is an inspiration as to what can be. It is wonderful that your wife is so supporting.

XOXO
Suzanne

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2 Replies
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Some wives can't handle it so I guess I am really lucky. Having a supportive wife is such a difference maker. My makeup stays out on my counter on my side of the bathroom. My wife borrows things from me and me from her. My closet is full of dresses, shoes, jewelry and other female accessories. My taste in fashion has developed to the point that recently I bought a dress and my wife loved it so much she has me on the look out for one for her. Again, last Sunday I bought a top and she has me looking for one for her. It makes me feel closer and more like her.
Thanks for reading my article and taking time to comment.

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Hostess
(@cdsue)
Joined: 4 years ago

Noble Member     Delaware, United States of America
Posts: 1370

@sburnscoe You're welcome.

XOXO
Suzanne

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Posts: 166
Duchess
(@erikabell)
Estimable Member     Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Very nice article Suzanne. You paint a pretty picture. I love the variety of pathways possible on this journey of feminine discovery. I'm absolutely with you on having to we condition the mind to accept the true nature of our being. Also, on making our wives lives easy now that they too are in a new state of mind. However, this nonsense about wanting to be in the longest line. Haha girl I couldnt fathom that desire. I despise the grocery store and want nothing to do with its aisles and lanes. Just kidding around. This is a great read and will help alot of others out. Thanks for writing it and representing the community where you are.

Sincerely,
Erika

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Walking the aisles and standing in the longest line are just ways of forcing me out of my comfort zone and pushing my limits.
Thanks for taking time to read and comment on my article.

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Posts: 1
Duchess
(@michelle1965)
New Member     Gaston, South Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

What happens if you had a bad first time up how do you get over it

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2 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2374

@michelle1965 You pick yourself up, analyse what happened that bugged you, and then you plan your next outing. That one should go better if you properly addressed any problems. If not, then start at step one again.

Welcome to CDH, Michelle / Rochelle!

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Listen to Harriette. If you want to get to where you're going you have to keep moving forward.

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Posts: 334
(@charlenev)
Reputable Member     ???? Park, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

An excellent article Suzanne; very upbeat and encouraging. Thank you.
I look forward to making your achievements as a lady my own someday in the not too distant future. Your experience, shared here is almost like a how-to manual.
Charlene

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

You go girl!

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Posts: 63
(@briannaleah)
    Howden, Manitoba, Canada
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi there and good on you for having so much fun. I'm envious. In the last year I've really started to branch out where I thought I never would. One thing that I always wonder about is "dressing age appropriately". I've had discussions with other girls here about that. The conclusion we seem to come up with is dress the way you feel. If I dressed typically for my age I wouldn't want anyone to see me. I wouldn't want to see me. So I dress way younger. Some might accuse me of trying to look like a hooker and going clubbing sometimes I do but it is fun. Tomorrow night we are going to a fetish BDSM Ball so you can imagine!!! Cheers to you Hun.

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5 Replies
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

Look at women your age who you consider to be stylish and pay attention to how they dress. I'm 67 but I don't dress like an old lady.

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Lady
(@nataliegay)
Joined: 8 months ago

Active Member     Tampa Bay area, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 9

@sburnscoe I'm in my 70s, and I definitely do NOT dress that old.

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

@nataliegay That's one of the most wonderful things about being a woman. Hair, makeup and clothes allow us to have some measure of control over how we look. I look much younger as Suzanne than I do as my yucky guy self.

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Lady
(@nataliegay)
Joined: 8 months ago

Active Member     Tampa Bay area, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 9

@sburnscoe Suzanne, if you truly do not like your guy self, and he seems to have few or no redeeming qualities, that could be a sign of one of two things....

1 Low self esteem, or

2 It may be time to think about transitioning, especially if you're only happy as a gal.

I was both. I still work on 1. But living as a female has made me so much more well adjusted, I still have problems, but I deal with them more effectively, and no longer sweep them under a rug by getting drunk.

One thing that made this easier for me than most Trans gals, I was already divorced when I began transitioning. I met my current spouse as a woman, and was immediately accepted.

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(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

@nataliegay I would love to hear about your transition. What meds are you taking? How did you get them? Have you changed your name legally? Have you had any complications? My email is sburnscoe@yahoo.com in case you prefer to communicate that way.

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Posts: 17
Duchess
(@bbwmeganlynn)
Eminent Member     East Brunswick, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 3 months ago

I truly don’t care what people think.I dress everyday and go out shopping,groceries,etc.Am I passable?I hope so,but if not I don’t care.I don’t need anyone’s approval or satisfaction.Just live your life is my best advice.Im not a fan of all this pride stuff being shoved down peoples throats.Again,just live your life.People have their mind made up and it’s not going to change.Im not in any position to tell others what to think and they must agree with me.

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3 Replies
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I love your photos. You make a really convincing woman. Nice curves. Thanks so much for taking time to read and comment on my article.

Huggs,

Suzanne

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Duchess
(@bbwmeganlynn)
Joined: 3 months ago

Eminent Member     East Brunswick, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 17

Thank you,I really don’t think I’m passable.I have my moments for sure.

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Duchess
(@aliceblack)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     Massachusetts, United States of America
Posts: 393

I agree with Suzanne. You look very womanly in your appearance.

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Posts: 1
Guest
(@Anonymous 96353)
New Member
Joined: 1 month ago

Thank you so much for your story .

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Posts: 9
Lady
(@nataliegay)
Active Member     Tampa Bay area, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 8 months ago

Your wife is a rare treasure! Keep her.

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2 Replies
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

@nataliegay I know and don't worry I'll keep her.

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Duchess
(@aliceblack)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     Massachusetts, United States of America
Posts: 393

You are very lucky. My wife barely tolerates and I have to limit my activities to her sleeping hours(which fortunately are long).

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Posts: 1
Guest
(@Anonymous 96353)
New Member
Joined: 1 month ago

I see you are so right , we need to Overcome Programming at some point and love our herself and so many older and senior girls are now coming out for good and peace of mind to feel Complete and Comfortable .

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Posts: 35
Lady
(@polly)
Trusted Member     Brighton, East Sussex, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

Nice article, slowly building the story from early steps to confidence. Do we still have to pass as literal women, I wonder, if there is really acceptance of cross-dressing nowadays? I suppose we do, though it would be good not to fear an 'outing'.

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1 Reply
(@sburnscoe)
Joined: 9 years ago

Estimable Member     Jackson, Mississippi, United States of America
Posts: 93

I don't think I pass in all situations but most of the people I run into seem very accepting.

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