Ready to jump down the rabbit hole

This thing (whatever crossdressing is to me) has been nothing but a burden. When combined with the added stress from all of the years I've been avoiding it, I've reached a point where I finally need to deal with it.

I have read many articles on ways to stop the urge to dress, but mostly found them to be sexist and ridiculous. A few come from a more religious view, damning someone worse for their clothing choices than murder, which just seems ludicrous. After reading through countless articles, I can honestly say that those that dress regularly seem far saner to me than those in denial (or at the very least they are happier.)

So here I am, about a year into this journey, and I haven't done much of anything but worry myself sick. I ask myself countless questions without even looking for answers. Although I’m fairly new to this site, and I haven’t really been active, I have decided to reach out to all of you, this community.

I choose to remain anonymous and not explain my life, because that simply doesn't matter... However, reaching out does matter in my personal search for answers (especially if the thought process I am sharing is relatable to anyone else in need of help.)

I have a few supportive friends (including my roommates). The way I told my roommates (a male and a female) was almost more like issuing a warning. I told them individually that I’m not sure how far I’ll go, but I can't stress myself out worrying about hiding everything (from small stuff like mail to more obvious things such as deciding to shave my legs).

I was fortunate in that both of they were very supportive and chose to recognize me as the friend I've been. They supported me by claiming that this doesn't change anything. When I told them I would get it if they moved out, he laughed and she expressed sadness that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her sooner.

This has reduced so many worries; I recommend to anyone wanting to experiment with anything to share it with your more accepting friends! They remind you error is part of "trial and error," and that it's OK to have some bumps along the way. I feel very lucky, but I think that's just kind of how friendship works.

With all of my friends' support, and my own determination, I have a huge problem... I haven’t really accepted myself. This is why I'm even writing this article. I have so many fears, a lack of information, and I am stuck in this state of ambivalence. So I ask all of you, a community full of wisdom that shares such similar experiences all based around the same topic... How do I proceed? What does it take to accept this aspect of yourself?

To get over my fears I want to just dive right in! This is a challenge, though…

-I haven’t dressed in several years, although the urges never stopped.

-I am poor, and I'm not willing to shop offline (yet).

-I have no confidence; I am scared.

-I am not sure of any preferences (or my size... I need a cheap way to figure out what I like and how things fit).

-I know nothing about style/fashion.

I don’t know where to start, and I am much too stubborn to borrow anything. My goal can be broken down into two things:

1. A better sense of understanding as to how important, or what, crossdressing is to me.
2. To learn how to have fun with it and not be so ashamed…

I have finally learned that this is something that doesn’t just go away. I'm not sure what other goals I need at the moment, how far my interests will take me, or even why I'm doing this. And yet… I have decided that I am doing this and it's time to figure it all out. I appreciate any tips, or advice, and the time you've taken to read this.

(Also, I get the whole “take as much time as you need” thing. Honestly, though, if I don’t just jump in, nothing will change… Something has to change, and with as much caution as I've been taking, I don't think I will be doing anything I'm uncomfortable with.)