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Since coming to the realization that I am transgender, I also realize I have never been completely intimate with anyone. One of the things missing in my life is true intimacy, sexually with my wife and relationally with both her and others. When you are hiding something the true you never fully comes out and therefore it is impossible to be truly intimate.
This lack of intimacy is a void that seeks to be filled and if not, one can end up acting out. Destructive behaviors like seeking or having an affair. Drinking too much or taking drugs. Angry temper tantrums boil over at what seems like the slightest thing. Pushing people away because we are afraid they will see the real us, or that we will only hurt them in the long run. This lack of intimacy can, and often does, destroy relationships and keeps others from blossoming.
Certainly, intimacy has many levels depending on the type of relationship, but if we cannot be who we truly are we can never attain that deeper level of intimacy that we seek. The great risk for those of us, who have been living our lives in the closet of secrecy, is losing what intimacy we do have, in fact possibly losing the relationship(s) completely. On the other hand there is also the possibility of having an even deeper relationship.
For us to tell those closest to us about our secret is to know that in some ways the relationship will either die or have to be re-invented. While we are mostly the same person, we are also different as we begin to live authentically, and that in many ways necessitates new relational trusts and boundaries etc.
I read the other day about a husband and wife story where the husband lost his memory because of something that happened during brain surgery. He had no memory of his former life. His wife and children were strangers to him. In fact everyone was a stranger. His wife still loved him dearly but realized he was not the same person. She had to mourn the loss of her husband and then the two of them began to form a new relationship based on his new personality. Over time it worked and they fell in love all over again but it was not the same relationship it was completely new.
If you are married or in a love relationship this is, in a way, how your wife or lover will feel about you. They will have to morn the loss of their spouse, as they knew them, and learn to love the real you. Not everyone is capable of this. If your marriage does fall apart you will need to be truthful with whomever you start a new romantic relationship so that the relationship will be built on trust. Maybe not immediately but certainly before even kissing, as not doing so can have disastrous results. This is hard because one will be afraid they will never find anyone who will understand. But, true intimacy must be built on trust and it will be destroyed if that trust is violated.
I am coming to the realization that I have to take that risk. I have to have true intimacy. Hopefully my marriage will stay intact but I will never truly have the intimacy I seek without coming out and living an authentic life. If that means having to find and make new relationships then that is how it will have to be. To me living a lie is the greater pain. Living without true intimacy is the worst pain. I have weighed the pluses and minuses and know that the pain of not living authentically is becoming greater each day. Will it be painful on the other side? Probably, but I will be my authentic self and the pain caused by living a lie will subside as I forge a new life as my true self.
wow Staci. What a story and what insight.
Yes, hiding yourself will damage your relationships in the long run. I should know, I have been divorced 3 times and, thought I did not think so at first, I came to realize that the hidden part of me kept me from being as close as I should have been with my partners.
Trust lost is hard to rebuild and if they can't make room for the other side of you, it is likely that any marriage will not stand.
It is time for you to open a dialog with your wife. Start by trying to get her take on the whole trans gender issue. In the long run, it is better for you to come out than be found out. You can go a long way to negating trust fail issues doing this. It may be hard for her to take at first but be patient with her and re-assure her on all counts.
Above all - be yourself !!! That is all you can be.
Wow, Staci, Excellent in depth written word. It is so true what you wrote .
Trust is a big issue with me and I have been married twice myself. If you don't have trust
then you have nothing to work with. So, as Rosaliy stated go slow slow an start from the beginning and work from there. And also be true to your self always. Good luck.
Stacey S.
Staci you hit the nail on the head! You have to be true to your own heart before another can truly know you! I hope to one day find that intimacy with someone!
This is very true, you need to be true yourself. I have found it easier over the years that I have been out. I have been out since a very long time since I was very young.
Staci: I finally got to read your comments; it brought tears to my eyes. I have hidden my true nature through 61 years of marriage, five children and grandchildren and a largely successful career.
I excuse my closeted life on the grounds of "preserving the family," and our family has survived quite happily. Perhaps it is due to the era into which I was born, being raised during the Depression, living through World War II and accepting my obligation to the armed services (Korea). We were taught not to expect much in life, but merely to gain security.
And of course, transgenderism was not a fact when you consider that Christine Jorgensen didn't become herself until I was age 24 and into a marriage.
Weep not then for me, as I have been content to privately enjoyed my womanhood.
Hi Staci,
I finally had time to read your article and your comments to others. All I can say is that I can truly relate.
I finally came out to my wife just a few months ago and we went through all of the things you described, including my wife offering to let me dress at home but not in public. Like you, that isn't enough though, so for now we have settled on a compromise where I will tell her when I need some "Holly time" and then she will go away for a few days so that I can have that time to be my true self.
I haven't taken the next step of consulting a doctor to make an appointment to see an endocrinologist (not yet, at least) as I have not made up my wind if I am willing to lose everything if I take that step. My wife did ask if I want to be on hormones or live fulltime as a woman, and even said that she could see me making that decision someday. I guess it is obvious even to her that I would truly like to do that at some point.
While I know how excited and anxious you must be for August to arrive, I can also only imagine the fear/concern/pain you are also going through in other ways as you ponder the major changes that will be coming your way. If you'd like to talk more, let me know and I will send you my personal email address.
In the meantime, know that you have a lot of friends here that you can share with. While we may or may not all be going down the same path, we can all sympathize as we are all somewhere along the transgender spectrum.
Hugs,
Holly
Wow. This article really hits home. The" They will have to morn the loss of their spouse, as they knew them, and learn to love the real you. Not everyone is capable of this" Line is exactly the phase my wife and I are going through right now. Our marriage will not survive it I am afraid and the future looks lonely. I can not let that affect the way I feel and stop my progress as Krista. It is nice to know others feel this way and I am not alone. Thank you for sharing
Today I actually went out on a lunch date, my first date with a man. After hiding in the closet for what seems like my entire life, at 75 I finally decided I was tired of it, tired of hiding, tired of lying, tired of being ashamed and scared, tired of living my life afraid of what meaningless people might think, so last November on my 75th birthday I came out. Fortunately all my friends and siblings have no problem with it, as long as I'm happy, and they all say they've never seen me so happy. It's amazing what setting yourself free does for you. But it also made me realize what Staci is saying. For my entire life, because I was hiding myself, I never dared to let my guard down. Friends, relatives, coworkers, yes, even my wife, I was missing that intimacy, with anyone, because I was always carefully guarding my secret. It was only years after my wife's passing that I finally set Jennifer free. After telling my friends and family I started venturing out of the house and visiting friends, in January I started going out to an alternative club, where I met so many wonderful people. By March there I met a wonderful transitioned woman who, having traveled the journey herself understood my fears and coaxed me out into the real world. We went out to a nice, upscale downtown restaurant, and...no one paid any attention, it was a wonderful evening. Since then we've gone out almost every Tuesday, to nice restaurants, to go shopping downtown, and...no one paid any attention. They're businesses, they care about the color of my money, not of my dress. Finally, after a couple months of going out with her, I was confident enough to go out alone. I dress and go shopping, or whatever, and I don't even think about it, there's no difference between putting on a shirt and slacks or slipping on a dress. (Well, it does take longer to prepare as a woman) Then last week, while sitting in a Starbucks sipping a coffee and looking at ads for, more shoes (God I love 4" stilettos), a man came up, ask if he could sit with me, and started talking. To me, all dressed, talking to Jennifer, as if I were a woman. Eventually he asked me to lunch, and today we went to Applebee's, my first date. And it went great, no one cared. And this is smack in the middle of what was the Bible Belt.
I've come so far in such a short time, because once I actually started going out, I realized that in today's world, my fears were unfounded. For my entire life I was burdened by all the fears and shame programmed into me since birth, and to be fair, back not all that long ago it was those fears that kept me from serious beatings, or worse. But social views are different today, we CAN go out without fear, we CAN be our true selves, we CAN feel free and happy, and by freeing our true selves, we CAN be free to become intimate, to allow others to actually know us, we no longer have to hide. Now, to quote FDR, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." As more and more of us step out, visible, just like anyone else, we become anyone else, and no one pays any attention. We CAN be free to be true to ourselves, allowing others to enter our worlds, to know us, to become intimate. Jennifer will not die in the dark of a closet, she deserves a life too, just as the woman inside you does.
Hugs,
Jennifer