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It happened.
Today was the day that I finally moved our relationship, and my cross-dressing, from a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, to being open and owning it.
I should have had this first conversation a long time ago—at least I wish I could have had it— but now, the time felt right, as we are getting older with some health issues (not major) and we were talking through them.
She has had some anxiety issues of late and I asked if I was causing or contributing to any of them? She said no, which felt more like: 'No - quit acting like a typical guy and thinking it is about you'. So I went further to clarify: I have been shaving my legs for a year, at all times, we get pedicures together and I have a pinkish, shiny, clear on my toes now. I asked if all this contributes to her anxiety around what my intentions are—while pointing at my legs and toes. What is next? She said, no, I know you are taking better care of your skin. I said, yes, that is part of it but it all started when I was little, in the basement, with my sisters. We had a box of old heels and dresses that we would play dress up in. Then, when I was 11, I was caught trying on a skirt of my closest sister, in age, in a room by myself. I saw the skirt and the pull was extreme. I was just drawn to it and had to try it on; I didn't understand it then, don't understand it now. I felt shame when I was caught, but nonetheless, this was and is a part of me.
I like to look pretty. I like to get fully dressed and adore a dress or skirt and cute shoes. It is a major stress relief for me and it is getting stronger as I get older. I assume my testosterone is going down; I have always had a bit of gynaecomastia since I hit puberty. That was always a concern for me and a bit embarrassing for a kid that loved athletics and I put my dressing under wraps for the first 20 years of our marriage, yet it is coming back and part of who I am, undeniably.
I love shopping for outfits for my wife—and me—that flatter and make her feel better about herself. I always admired how she cares about how she looks, dresses, and takes care of herself; it is part of what I loved about her from the beginning. I reminded her of a moment in our marriage when I had tried on and stretched out a slip of hers. She pulled it out and looked right at me with a miffed look on her face; she doesn't remember it, but I do, like it was yesterday.
She loves how I dress nicely in drab. I shared with her that when I am shopping for her - and me - in drab, women have commented how good I am putting things together. That is the fun part and I stressed to the women at Soma that I have to put outfits together for me as well! The fact that the comment occurred when I was matching bras and panties for me was a part I didn't share.
We didn't talk about the time I needed her to join me for work at a big gala. She had zero interest and was very self-conscious about buying a gown, so I shopped for her and had a bunch of options shipped in for her to try. I don't think that would happen in most relationships, but it was fun for both of us and she loved how she looked. The pay-off for me was her feeling good about herself and being able to enjoy the evening. Of course, I would have loved to be in a gown and gorgeous heels as well - but that was not meant to be! I was proud to be in a tux with her at my side. My wife is my best friend; I rely on her and she on me—I told her I didn't want this to impact us but she needed to know. I joked that if I had a stroke and all the filters came off, I would be in a dress the next day. If she'd had no idea that would be quite a shock! She laughed. I told her I have my own undergarments and clothes. Yes, I have tried on some of hers but I keep that to a minimum; undergarments were a key piece that I wanted to ensure were separate. She liked and appreciated that and didn't seem concerned about the other try-ons. She asked if I had things hidden around the house. Yes. She simply said 'good to know'. No emotions behind the comment at all.
I don't know if life is about to become better or more challenging. All people take time to process things and like grief, will go through a range of emotions. What I do know is it ended with a tearful hug from both of us and her thanking me for sharing this part of me. Thank you all for being who you are in this community and for supporting all of us as we navigate this part of our lives. I love and appreciate all of you!
Janet 💋
Janet, An absolutely lovely article. Your CD / drab life parallels mine in so many ways. My wifely (44 years) knows about Staci, but is not very supportive, but we can talk about her openly.
I plan on printing your article for her to read. Will be interesting to see what wifey's response will be.
Thanks for posting, Merry Christmas to you and your family! Staci...
PS, I've no idea why Janet is showing here as a guest. The same xthing happened with Lizzy " A weekend as Lizzy".
Anyone have an answer?
A wonderful, open and honest exchange with your wife Janet, a pleasure to read. It is never a given how these sort of discussions will pan out but seem to be necessity to reassure and explain emotions.
I am so happy yours worked out well.
Hi Janet
I know exactly what you’re going through for I’m going through it now. I’ve been doing my nails and toes for years and that was fine but then I started with makeup about a tear ago now. That took a while for her to except. Just lately it came out I wanted female clothing! Well this didn’t go over well. She was mad ho she didn’t marry a woman etc. And questioned whether or not we had to consult. I think she is slowly getting used to the idea of what I would like. I have a rdv in march for HRT which she doesn’t like but knows I want it. This week she surprised me by her and my daughter wanting to go to the mall with me to pick a top for a pair of pants/skirt(long) for the holidays. Once at the mall we went to almost every store and finished at Laura’s a woman’s store. Between her my daughter and the sales lady I must have tried half the store it ended up with about three or for outfits and around 600$ later. But no dresses or skirts but some nice blouses and pants and a jacket vest for our cruise next year so needless to say I was shocked! I do have some dresses and skirts I do wear during the day when she’s at work so that’s still a work in progress. I was really worried about our marriage but now believe it will survive! We’ve been married for 42 yrs. This New Year’s Eve. I believe I’ll be in a female outfit. I really would like to buy a nice quality wig. But I think that will be another challenge to face. I have never written anything like this before but your story really touched a spot in my heart being so close to myself.
Luv Vicky
I have been open with my wife about Anna since we had "the talk" and I dress in front of her. We shop together and she borrows my stuff regularly.
She's benefitted recently from a bridesmaid dress and an LBD that fit her better than they fit me and when we were out with friends the other day she was wearing one of my dresses, a bolero which is mine and carrying one of my clutches.
@jjorgenson I feel that the thing is, no matter how this turns out you'll know that you owned it. That you had an open, honest discussion. That you took her feelings into account while staying true to yourself.
I believe that is how you get a good night's sleep. Well done, Janet. ❤️
Hi Janet,
thank you for a very timely Article… as my wife processes my CD revelation, we are in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” stage in our compromise. She prefers when I feel the pink fog that I dress when she is not home… fortunately, it happens 2x a week as she participates with her friends card games( we are retired and live in a 55+ community) .. you are an inspiration. Leonara is a very part of my life and its time to revisit the “talk”..
Merry Christmas 🎄 and a Happy New Year to you and your family ..
xo Leonara 🌹
Janet -
Thank you for such a lovely article. I am very happy for you that you were able to have that conversation with your wife.
It has been a roller coaster of a ride for my wife and I. When I first came out to her she felt betrayed and was very upset. Over the years she has become more accepting of my dressing although there have been some melt downs along the way which we worked through. She surprises me sometimes like last year for my birthday she took me to get my ears pierced and buys me earrings every once in awhile. There are days that she will invite Suzanne to spend the day and I spend the day dressed. We bought dresses to wear on Christmas. When we go clothes shopping for her she calls me her fashionista and has me pick out clothes for her. We go for mani-pedi's together and I get color on my toes as well as clear pink tinge gel on my fingers. As Virginia Slims said "you've come a long way baby".
I hope things continue in a positive way for you and your wife. The most important thing is communication and it sounds like you opened the lines of communication which is lovely.
Merry Christmas
XOXO
Suzanne
I loved reading this Janet. It is a reminder that we are a couple in a relationship and as a couple we should share things and dont keep secrets, as secrets have a way of building a wall between us. I remember when i told my wife many years ago - we were having trouble as my CD desire was getting strionger with age - she thought I was having an affair - and in a way I was, but not in how she thought. Anyway, when I told her she hugged me and called me "Her sweet transvestite' (A line from the Rocky horror picure show movie which she loves). So from then on things became magical between us and it reinvigotaed our marriage.
So good for you on having the courage to break through the wall and I hope your wife becomes as accepting as mine did. As the opportunities become endless with acceptance.
Take care and stay safe. Give your wife a hug from me.....Ellie
I very much loved the article. Thanks for sharing. Like all of you I love to crossdress. However, other than store associates no one knows about my desire to crossdress and be Chrissy. I wish I could tell me wife who I love dearly but I feel would never understand and accept. I would love to hear advice on how to start telling or dropping some hints.
Janet, I can’t thank you enough for sharing. I’ve wanted for many years to be brave enough to share this side of me, and as time passes have more and more need to express my feminine side. Like you, I’ve been dressing since I was very young- similarities as profound. I hope to get to where you are soon. Thank you for the inspiration. ❤️
Great article Janet. Our stories are quite similar. The difference is I haven’t had the nerve to have “the talk” with my wife as I am not sure what her reaction would be. It scares me.
yup--communication is key to a great relationship- With my late wife & I it all came Early as we were introduced by people we knew when we were young-- (I went to school with my friend & she was friends with his New girlfriend-- He told her about me being Different & she told Alice (later to become my wife) -It turned out to be good for us as to become a couple -I believe that everything being Open from the beginning made all the difference--
Janet these topics always make me recall how I “broke the news” to ALL of my SO’s through the years. I always presented being a CD as a positive thing to them. I would begin with, well, I need to tell you about a hobby I have that’s a bit different….it’s not a big deal, but it is fairly rare amongst most men. And then I would go into more details, all the while emphasizing that it’s just a small part of the successful person you happen to be with.
Several girls on CDH talk about “exuding confidence” when going out in public dressed -(Melodee comes right to mind). It’s also true when you’re discussing your crossdressing with your SO. Be confident and sure of yourself and it will go way easier. Explain to her it’s not a bad thing, just different. Different isn’t wrong.