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In mid-October 2018, I made a decision that changed my world.
Up to then, for basically as long as I could recall, I’d had a curiosity about being a girl. I don’t know why; I just did. Even as a little kid, I’d stumble around in my mom’s heels. The family thought it was funny, since I was just a kid, but I honestly didn’t understand why they wouldn’t get me any in my size. In my teens, when I did what teenage boys do (you understand), I quickly figured out that I really couldn’t complete the task, as it were, very easily until I put myself in a more female mind space. Without going too far into it, for reasons I haven’t figured out to this day, I get more turned on as a girl than a guy. So, there was definitely something female within me. But black boys don’t think about being girls – or that was the general attitude of my household. So, while I still had my occasional fantasies, I figured that’s all it would ever be – a somewhat odd fantasy that I’d have to keep to myself.
As I got further into adulthood, I still found myself admiring not only women’s bodies, but their look, hair, makeup, clothes, and shoes as well. I loved the way women’s clothes fit them and how they always seemed more interesting than men’s ensembles. I’d try to put together a “sexy” men’s outfit, but to me it didn’t look much different from a lazy Sunday men’s outfit, and it certainly was never very eye-catching, to me. I’d look over at the women and think: “Wow, now that’s a look people will notice.” The colors were more interesting, the materials felt better, and the different cuts and styles just seemed to fit my personality so much better. Eventually, I kind of figured out that, even though I liked women, it is so much more than just a romantic attraction – it’s a love for them and for what they are and what they can do. Yes, a little jealously, too. It took a while to wrap my head around it – well into my 30s - but I came to the conclusion that it’s possible to want to be with women while wanting to be like them, too. I’d spend my time at night before going to sleep watching YouTube videos (and some slightly more … intense media) about transforming one’s self from male to female, and I’d be in awe at how stunning some of the results could be. But it was still just a thing in my head, something to ponder from time to time and nothing else.
Then, toward the end of last year, I had an idea. Not sure why or what changed, but I decided I’d buy a package of panties for myself. It was scary as hell! I actually thought security might say something. But, I did it. And then I got it in my head to buy some bras. I had an idea for making some inexpensive breast forms, so why not? (That turned out not so great, but that’s a story for another time.) Ultimately, over the course of October 2018, I found myself building a feminine wardrobe and buying things like breast forms, hip pads, and wigs. It took a while before I was brave enough to try my hand at makeup – probably three months or so. But I gave it a shot, and eventually got to where I knew how I wanted to look and more or less how to get there.
At first, this was only when I was home alone, which isn’t often, as my disabled mom lives in the same house. It was just me, and no one knew what was going on. After a while, I decided to reach out just a bit, joining a more fringe website where I could speak freely about this adventure and show off my improving looks. That site was much more interested in the private matters of my crossdressing, so to speak, and that got quite uncomfortable, so that endeavor ended after a time. But, being on a webcam (fully clothed) did drive me to find my best look and learn what works and doesn’t work for me, style-wise and cosmetically. So, something positive came from the experience.
Perhaps the biggest step came early this year, when I found the nerve to go out of the house in my female form. Conservatively, I started going to a gay bar, despite not actually being gay. Since then, I’ve become somewhat of a regular, and I’m not sure if they know they’ve kind of been infiltrated, lol. The main thing is that I found a place where I could enjoy my feminine self and there was no judgement and no ridicule. After the first couple of visits, I wasn’t nervous. I was just hanging out in the bar, like millions of people do every day.
It was around that same time that I found CDH and I must say it’s been quite the experience. I don’t always agree with everything I see here, but I know the mission is to create a safe place for folks like us to exchange thoughts and stories. Here, we are just who we are, and we can laugh and cry together as a community. For that, I must thank every member of CDH. It’s been both educational and entertaining. It was, in part, due to the support from this site that I was able to tell my mom what I’ve been doing after she had a life-threatening moment. I didn’t want to lose her with this hanging in the air. She’s been surprisingly okay with it. I think not entirely comfortable, but willing to ride along and let me do what I do.
And now, as I sit here in my white snakeskin leggings and a tight black tank over my around-the-house foam breast forms, I can’t help but marvel at how much my life has changed. Despite everything that’s happened over the last year, it’s really only been about the last three or four weeks that I feel like I’m really comfortable as a crossdresser. I think I know where I stand now – I’m definitely straight, but a little bit gender-fluid, I think. I like the feel of being a woman, but I don’t consider myself a woman. I still have no plans or desire to fully transition, but maybe if life circumstances play out a certain way, I would be open to living a more fluid lifestyle where I get to live my life on both sides of the aisle. Quite a lot would have to change in my life to allow it, but I do think it’s something I would consider. I stopped wearing men’s underwear months ago, and I think I’ve pretty well stopped with the men’s undershirts as well. I’ve worn exclusively women’s jeans even in man mode for a long time now. So, I’ve definitely progressed more to the fem side than where I started. Where does that end up? Who knows?
Just about a week ago, I tried something that I never thought I would even consider. I went to the Las Vegas Strip en femme – in a skirt, no less. It was both scary and thrilling - more scary, though. I spent the entire time worrying about who was paying attention to me and who wasn’t. I was worried I’d have to pepper spray someone at any moment. And that’s not even to speak of the fear of humiliation, to include being outed if I ran into a familiar face. So, I think it will be a while before I try that again. Maybe after I get better, thinner, and understand the small nuances of being a woman a little better. But it was a big step, I think.
So, it’s been almost a year. My, what a year it has been. What does the next year hold? I have no earthly idea. But I can say this: I believe the journey has only just begun.
Girls, I have just a few questions for you now and here they are!
- Have you totally stopped wearing men’s underwear entirely now and how do you feel about that?
- What percentage of your shopping time is now spent in the women’s or junior’s departments as apposed to shopping in the men’s department and how have those percentages changed over the last few years?
- Why do you think there are so fewer African American men who seem to enjoy the thrill of cross dressing than caucasion men?
Thanks for reading my article and I look forward to your responses to the article or any of the three questions noted above!
Sincerely, Valerie
Hi Valerie!
A very well-written article. You expressed yourself very well and made many good points!
I live in Atlanta, and we have a very large African-American population, so I have met many CD African-American girls. For a long time, we had a husband and wife who would attend our support group's monthly meetings. They drove in from Montgomery, Alabama. They are raising two teenagers, so they have been attending fewer meetings, as they have to handle more teen-related issues.
Another CD girl that is well-known is Candace. She looks like an African-American fashion model, when she cross dresses. She is really skilled at making herself look female. Hard as it is to believe, when she is not Candace, she is an aircraft maintenance engineer, working for a major airline here in Atlanta, and is 100% heterosexual, with an eye for chasing pretty ladies. Unfortunately, she is not a member of CDH.
Take a look at a recent photo of me in a red top and dress that I posted recently to CDH. I am sitting in my dressing room, and you can see several photos of various CDs I know. Several of those photos are of African-American girls.
Looking at the other questions at the end of your article, I don't mix clothing, including underwear. I am either 100% male or 100% female. Currently, I am Peggy Sue two or three days a week, with the rest of the time spent as a male.
Shopping? Oh my gosh! I am a typical woman, in that one room in our home is dedicated to my female self, and my female wardrobe dwarfs my male wardrobe. I rarely anymore purchase male articles, unless something is wearing out. However, I am always adding something to my female wardrobe. My wife and I love to compare notes, just for fun, on who owns what and how many. We each have our own cosmetic preferences, but she buys all my jewelry, because she operates a small jewelry business. She stays out of my clothing choices, and I stay out of hers, unless we specifically ask for an opinion. Wow, it is exactly like two women, living under the same roof.
Enjoy your journey, Valerie! And above all, have fun being a girl, embrace your femininity, because it is part of you.
Peggy Sue
Hi Valerie,
I love your story. I think you look fantastic. As somebody who is just beginning on my own journey, I draw inspiration from girls like you. I love the outfit in the picture. Awesome.
I couldn't risk wearing girls undies at work. If anyone saw, it would be a disaster. I don't really buy men's clothes anymore. For women's clothes I shop both online and in real world stores. I like to browse. I don't have a lot of money so I prefer to actually shop in person when possible.
As to the question of why more African American guys don't dress. I don't know. It terrifies me. Maybe its just the same for them even amplified by the general racism that they're dealing with every day. Maybe it's just too much.
I love your look and I wish you the very best. I hope all your dreams come true. Please keep us updated.
XX
Kim
I loved your article and have the same exact feelings about our odd little hobby. Your picture looks really good. Maybe an eyebrow trim is in order. I get mine done at Ulta once a month en femme or in drab. It makes a huge difference and my wife who doesn't approve of my hobby doesn't even notice when I get it done
I should as I go there at least once a week. I got a makeover Friday night before dinner and felt like a Million Dollars
Hello Valerie, thankyou for such an interesting article.
I’m older than you but I too have only recently in the last year or so opened up to myself about who I really am and what I sincerely want for myself.
So, in answer to your three questions, here goes:
1. Always ladies panties. It is a “new normal” and quite frankly, I don’t really think about it anymore. It just is the correct underwear for me.
2. I no longer shop for male clothes, except for very colourful, girly style shirts which is maybe once a year if something catches my eye. My wife and I spend ages browsing womens clothing whenever we are on holiday. I shop with her and also alone. I no longer feel it is unusual to wander through women’s departments or boutiques alone and try on clothes. Recently, we were in San Fransisco and we had bought several dresses and tops for me after I tried them on in the women’s changing rooms. But in Ross Dress for Less, they wouldn’t let me change in the women’s changing rooms. It’s the first time that has happened to me and I was polite and elected to simply leave the clothes with the shop assistant who was refusing my request. I then left the store without buying anything.
3. I have a little Polynesian in my DNA and tan quite dark in the summer if I choose to. I cannot speak to your question about African American ladies though. Ultimately we are all just human beings with our hopes and dreams. I hope you realise all yours.
(I hope to visit Las Vegas in March April 2020 for Diva Las Vegas.)
Hugs, Gianna
Hey Valerie! Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all have fears about expressing who we really are. I know I am not as brave as you to go out in public, yet. In the end, we all have to be comfortable with who we are. That does not always translate into fitting into roles that others would want to assign us. We all have to wake up and face ourselves in the mirror each day, and I know that when we are accepting of who we truly are, it is a lot easier to do that. CDH gives you a place to talk with others who understand that we all may be a bit different and that is good. I hope you continue to find your inner Venus! I know I am looking myself.
Hi Valerie, what a great article that you have written, I have been wearing womens under garments now full time for about five years, And about 80% of my shopping is femm
Great article, Valerie!!! It is very insightful, and informative. You are indeed on your journey, with many more experiences to go through, but just the progress you've made in the last year or so, tells me you will do splendidly!!
Dawnie
OK, well we're all different. The underwear I wear has nothing to do with how I present. Most of the time I wear male briefs whether I am presenting male or female, but when in femme mode I wear shapewear over it. To me it makes no difference. The only time I wear female briefs is when I am behind on my wash, then I pretty much have to wear my female briefs, but that is only rarely. I don't wear a bra in male mode . . . I have occasionally worn a silk slip under my male clothes, for extra warmth and because silk, being a natural material, feels good on the skin, but that's also been very rarely. I have cross-dressed off and on for over 50 years.
I shop online or in thrift shops. I mainly buy women's clothing, but occasionally pick up male shirts and pants. Last winter when I needed a new winter coat I got a women's black wool coat, and wore it in both male and female mode.
The underwear thing is something I don't get, sorry.
Valerie, this is a particularly good article! I really liked the part about men’s clothing! We can look « good » as men but never really transform and always feel the same. I have seen even the most otherwise off-putting women transform into goddesses with the right dress while the best I can do with all my efforts as a man is get a little interest from someone who likes men a lot more than I do. Only a lot of that interest can outdo what a cute skirt can!
As far as your questions...
1. I have not been able to dress at all in ages so this question does not really apply. However it is doubtful women’s underwear will ever full replace men’s for me. They would have to be sneaky if they were to get past my wife. I have hope that her acceptance will grow but as we are both detrimentally straight I doubt she will ever be okay with that one!
2. Again, sadly does not apply but I could spend all day in the women’s department if possible. I have a young daughter and it will be hard to restrain myself from living vicariously through her. The things available for young girls these days are straight out of my most beautiful childhood fantasies...
3. I have thought about this a lot! It is impossible to miss and (hopefully be disappointed by) the lack of diversity here. My impression is that it’s harder to come out given hostility and expectations within the African American community, on top of that I don’t think many of the the white girls in the greater CD community are aware how unfriendly they may seem. My experience with other CDs of any background is limited but I will add this: in my workplace I have only seen one person I would call a « cross dresser » and he was white, however I have seen other male people come in wearing women’s clothes and they were all black. The latter were presumably gay and likely part of the drag community, so that is pretty different, but I think it’s worth noting.
Most importantly I am happy to hear you’re having a very positive experience! I hope tinkers more about it as I really like how you think about all this! I will certainly be sending you a reques!
Hey Valerie!
Thank you for sharing the story about the process you've been going through.
It's really hard to deal with the all intense feelings towards crossdressing. Fear of being assaulted, fear of being rejected by family, friends, etc.
Being honest, I can't remember when was the last time I bought men clothing. Perhaps when I did my first purchase of feminine stuff lol.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time paying attention to storefronts where women's clothing or shoes are for sale (and as much time planning online purchases lol).
xoxo
Hello Valerie , Rhonda here . i have just read your article , it is interesting .
You ask have you totally stopped wearing mens under wear entirely .
Well, the 18 th of November will be 9 months since i last wore ANY mans clothes .Apart from foot wears clothes it feels completely wrong to do that .
My usual clothes are androgynous when i am out and about .Other wise Rhonda is en femne .
Some times when i have to touch men
Huggs Rhonda .
.
Hello Valerie, nice to know you! I am a rather mature cross dresser, 68 years old and counting. My wife of twenty years knows that I am a cross dresser and is ok with the idea of it but does nut want to see or participate in any of it. So, what’s a woman to do! Underdress! First it was panties, then add pantyhose and finally bras. Bras most of the time but not always. I have been doing this for about 7 or 8 years now. Not perfect but it helps. Now I look at my male underwear and I want to purge all of that stuff but I do have to have some of that rather unappetizing stuff for certain occasions.
You will work it out. Just remember that we are all different and that we move at different speeds. We are constantly evolving. Enjoy the ride!
Warmly, Rosemarie
Val,
So great to see you blossom and grow into accepting yourself and venturing out. I remember when you were always “only lurking “ in chat-I would see Blackbird by an emoji but for the longest time didn’t know who it was until you finally started posting actual messages lol. To answer your questions-on #3-can’t explain any differences Re racial breakdown-I hope I’ve never been in any way Unwelcoming or disparaging to anyone based on race(honestly I couldn’t tell you the race of many of our members especially if they don’t have actual profile pic as themselves; 1) I haven’t worn guy undies since fall 2015 at all; and 2) I rarely I’d ever wear anything that is NOT female though for work and league pool my clothes are female but not obviously so(e.g. ladies skinny jeans, ladies polo shorts that button th e opposite way-so things that COULD be noticed if one is observant but doesn’t blare out “hey these are women’s clothes“; but I have no hesitation in going out in full Cyn mode either-and do so fairly Regularly; and underneath I am always wearing undies and a cami. Thanks for a great article!
Cyn
Valeria! Thank You for sharing your last year and your progress in dressing and accepting yourself. It's wonderful, exciting and scary for all of us no matter the colour of our skin or sexual orientation. We are all sisters here and I am excited and happy for your progress. Thanks again! Hugs Jenna
Valerie;
I just read your story, and I must say how impressed I am with how your life has changed, I mean it seems like you are getting very comfortable with your female side.
Nicely written, too.
To try to answer your questions, last first, I'm caucasion, so I can't help you there! Perhaps its' cultural??
I spend much more time shopping for woman's clothes than I do men's, but I find when I'm at the mall, I love in the women's stores first, then go into the men's wear places. Of which ther are far fewer, in the malls in my area.
So, I still in both, and when in male mode, I like to look well turned out. As to percentage, about 75% in the women's, as there is so much more to see and admire!
I find I'm wearing panties over the half the time these days, and I'm wanting to wear them more and more.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Amy
