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Stepping Out - Beating the Fear
By Kris Burton
Part II – From Theory to Practice/What I’ve Learned
Like so many of our persuasion, I have come to find that stepping out into the community en femme is a high point in my overall CD experience. In Part I of this totally unscientific study I applied the techniques usually associated with combating the performance anxiety that often plagues performers and public speakers to the challenge of a shy CD – myself - going out publicly. After my brief and rather impulsive first try several weeks previously, I was anxious to see how it would go with my new attitude and approach.
As it turns out this second outing - my first real one as I now see it - was far more productive, instructive, and one that could be built upon. It was the middle of the day. I drove to the local mall and was very nervous parking the car. There were people all around! I sat in the car gathering emotional strength and then forced my skinny jeaned, suede booted, pink sweatered, long brunette wigged, in light makeup to step into the light and walk to the entrance. My self-consciousness was heightened. I was aware of every step. Still, it felt as if I was in a very familiar psychological territory. I was experiencing the natural “jitters” of live performance – good old-fashioned “stage fright”. I knew I could beat it. I forged ahead and eliminated all thoughts of turning back, turning those nerves into excitement of the moment at hand. As I approached the door to the mall, I glimpsed myself in the window. It was an image of a woman, and that woman was me. I was able to say to myself “You’ve got this!”
The rest was as exhilarating as any performance would be. I was able to walk through the mall freely, as I do when presenting as my male self. More experienced CD friends had stated that the other folks at the mall would be paying little or no attention, and I found that to be the case. Still, I prepared to interact, at least on a limited basis, to do so. I went about a woman’s business; I used the ladies' restroom and dressing rooms without question. In using just a lighter version of my natural voice, I was able to order my lunch without attracting undue notice, even being treated to a couple of “ma’ams” by the waitress. I had the door held open for me by another male customer. It was four hours, and I must say, I never had so much fun doing such everyday activities.
What have I learned? The experience was indeed similar to preparing for a performance, at least from my point of view. My excitement was heightened as I chose to focus on what could go right as opposed to what could go wrong, which went far into reinforcing my confidence in a way my haphazard first experience did not. The comfort in my presentation and surroundings eased my self-consciousness, and it felt more like I “fit in” as the day progressed, just as you feel more comfortable on stage once you begin. This small, first step became a building block to taking on more challenging venues and wearing the dressier attire I favored. A fine restaurant, concert, or venue, would require more elaborate interaction, all of which have been done since.
I also learned that although stepping out publicly can FEEL like overcoming stage fright, it differs in a significant way – one that is actually helpful when you realize it. Unlike a stage presentation, you are not the focus of attention. Even though it may feel like every eye is upon you, in truth, those around you are more focused on their own dealings than yours. Unless you do, or wear, something that deliberately attracts attention, you should be able to walk easily through the crowd as you might any other time, just prettier. Finally, realizing you can drop the hyper self-consciousness and the negativity it breeds can prove to be a confidence builder in itself.
Can your initial experience be made easier still? I think so. As any performer will tell you, it is much easier to take the stage as part of a group than a solo act. I found this is the case if you go out and about with another or several of your friends as well– and perhaps even more fun. Although it is more likely that you will be noticed, it is even less likely that you will be approached. Any self-consciousness you experience will be distributed among you. If you’ve ever played in a band or sung in a choir you know what I’m talking about. Sheer numbers can breed security and confidence, and become a wonderful, shared experience for all to remember.
However, a warning: I have found that stepping out publicly is highly addictive! If you are like me you will find that after such success, you’ll want to do it even more, just as performing onstage ignites a fire. You may find yourself inventing the need to go to the supermarket or take some nature pictures at the park en femme. I do that sort of thing regularly now and hope to find more opportunities to connect with others who feel the same way.
I hope you find my essay helpful in breaking through the barrier that may be holding you back. If you do, so many adventures lie ahead. They are yours to enjoy!
Kris, Enjoyed the second article as well especially your emotional takes as you were going out on this initial adventure.
I too have been 'out' and will do so again. I chickened out of using the ladies toilet because of a fear that if some woman was in there with her child, it is possible that there might be a hysterical reaction that would draw unnecessary attention to the situation. I use the disabled loos, at least for my first few outings. As I go out more and more, I expect I will become more used to being Rebecca and not think about the possible unpleasantness that probably won't occur. For now, I still think of myself as a bit of an impostor and the syndrome that goes with that, but I am hopeful that with time and experience, this will dissipate; stories like yours help greatly in this respect.
...I chose to focus on what could go right as opposed to what could go wrong...
↑ This a thousand times over. Well done and well written, Kris!
Kris, Great article, good read. I have found my experiences getting out to be quite similar. Have fun... Staci...
Congrats on the going out milestone! I too have experienced much of what you wrote.
My ventures have been dressed from the neck down, looking male neck up and only changing my voice a little. I used to hide behind a Covid mask, but no more.
It is exhilarating, and addicting, yet scary and reflecting.
I enjoy getting small compliments, little smiles, little nods, hellos, and just feeling accepted in these ways. I've even had short conversations where a GG was curious about my attire or amazed I could balance in heels, or curious about what my SO thought. Always positive.
I enjoy just moving about without much notice, like it's okay to be me, like my difference in dress is not all that different.
I have felt fear though when a strange guy seems to be staring, or a group of teen girls are playing with their phones and I'm scared they're recording me. Usually, it was just me.
There was one time I did suspect someone was following me around a store trying to record me. I kept doubling back and walking fast towards them, blurring any attempt to record me. I kept sneaking up on them, trying to catch a glimpse if their phone screen in a game of cat and mouse. It was a stalemate, I proved nothing, they eventually left, peace restored.
It's an amazing experience going out. Good luck on your future ventures.... I'm absolutely sure you'll have more.
There is so much there to relate to Kris and some very pertinent points to consider.
It's that rehearsing at home, getting the costume as good as you can, perhaps a few short runs then overcome the nerves.
Once the first act is completed you realise this will run and run....
Kris what a great read and congratulations on getting out and about. Your article reminded me of my first "real" outing in public. And yes, it is very addictive. In no time you will feel just as natural en femme as in male mode.
❤️ Tonya
Hi Kris. Ive been dying to read this as the continuation (part 2) to the very interesting part 1.
I wasnt disappointed, you have a great skill of writing engaging dialogue and I felt I was there with you - also it helps to be able to relate to my own experiences alongside what you discuss. I have a great fear of playing music in front of other people but I have done it in a duo situation a couple of times. I didnt really enjoy the experience as my nerves made my playing pretty bad, but dressing as Ellie and going out into the real world solo and with my wife was a similar experience with the nerves but I found that - as you mention, no one really cares or even notices as long as you dress appropriately for the situation. 5 inch heels in a supermarket will attract attention whoever is wearing them...Lol. In my case the nerves disappeared within 5 minutes (unlike the stage nerves which I couldnt combat). So thank you so much for a fantastic read, (actually I read it a couple of times so I didnt miss anything) and I hope, dear friend, that you continue to take these outings and update us on your findings - you are a true inspiration to lots of us and I am so proud to call you my friend. Ellie xxxxx
It is an inspiring and encouraging article. I have experienced anxiety, fear, rejection. So I appreciate both of your articles, Kris.
Gisela
Hi Ladies, I can echo everything Emily Alt has said, she and I are both trans women, and stepping out has become a daily routine for us! I will tell you that you will develop more and more confidence as you progress, to the point where that confidence is apparent to those around you and you won''t attract that much attention as long as you are dressed appropriately for the occasion.
Be brave, be bold, enjoy the journey and remember, girls have a lot more fun!
hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
Thank you Kris for putting to words, what I too have experienced going out. The overwhelming satisfaction that comes from going out and about, as a woman is incredible. It’s so gratifying to go out and do the normal things people do but doing them as a woman.
I can tell you that it gets easier every time.
Kris -
Thank you for your article. It is informative and an inspiration to those of us that have not ventured out yet. I hope to do so some day and will use the information in your article to help put me at ease.
XOXO
Suzanne
Fabulous article and inspiring to those of us "still in the wings " waiting to go on stage ..well done Kris x
Thank you Samantha - I hope my article provides some clues on how to proceed onto the stage. We both know how strongly it beckons!