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I have no doubt that this will be a controversial article (and opinion) on Crossdresser Heaven. (I do so look forward to reading the comments.)
The common wisdom in our community is that a crossdresser who is in a marriage or serious relationship with a genetic woman is best off finding a way to tell her the truth.
“Honesty is the best policy.”
“It’s only fair.” “Somehow or other, you are going to eventually get caught anyway.” “Even if she is not supportive, generally she will be tolerant as long as you ‘keep it private, even from me.’”
And I agree with that common wisdom, I do, but only as long as you have not already married the woman.
But I don’t agree that you should tell your wife. And the reason I don’t agree is just as controversial. It requires the reader to be honest with himself. (I use the male pronoun here advisedly, because it is his male version that is endangered in the relationship.)
Here’s the most controversial part: that risk is to something we deny, sometimes even to ourselves, something that is nevertheless vitally important; it is the place of relative power in what I call Presumed Authority within various aspects of a relationship.
There are two reasons I feel this way about “telling your wife.” The second reason derives from the first.
The second reason is anecdotal from many decades in this community: I’ve seen and read about so many, too many marriages devastated (immediately or eventually) by said revelation. Often, the pain accompanying that devastation is nearly unbearable. Conversely, I know of many crossdressers, even crossdressers who are out and about in our community, who have successfully kept their secrets from their own families for decades. They might have been happier having been able to share their secret lives with those they love, but they decided that the risk was too high. They dealt with things as they felt they must.
As for the first, the prime, reason: I think it comes out of an obvious truth about all human relationships, even loving marriages.
Underlying all human relationships is a social contract. Although it is a contract with terms that are always open to renegotiation, the terms of the contract usually remain stable for many years. Partners understand the terms. Everybody abides by the rules. Relationships stay happy.
The sad, inevitable truth about that contract is the great importance of the clauses that have to do with relative power: for example, the complex clause in that contract called: Presumed Authority. (On this list of topics, my opinion carries more weight; on that list yours does.)
So, what happens when a crossdresser lets the genie out of the bottle?
First of all, of course, once released, you can never, ever get that genie back into that bottle.
And with the revelation, the crossdresser has irrevocably changed the contract rules and especially the rules about relative power. Principally, he has given his wife an immense power token that is immediately regretted at having been handed over, a power token of great value, even when unspoken.
Certainly, the marriage can be saved if the crossdresser simply and fully accepts the rewritten terms of the contract. Generally, that means ceding power and authority in the relationship to the genetic woman.
But that doesn’t happen. Try as he may, he just can't do it. (Again, I use the male pronoun here advisedly.) The crossdresser can’t accept the rewritten terms of the relationship. The crossdresser resents what he has lost.
Inevitably, there comes a time when the wife uses or threatens to use her new power token. The crossdresser gets very angry. The relationship is mortally wounded.
From then on, it’s a painful downward spiral.
The reason the situation is different before marriage is obvious. The revelation is already assimilated into the social contract before the marriage contract is made.
In short, it’s not so much about the relationship itself; it’s about the consequences of the sudden, irrevocable change in the rules of the relationship.
In short, before or after marriage, don’t tell until you’ve thought long and hard, until you are sure you are being totally honest with yourself about your willingness to accept the new terms … forever.
@cassiesanders - thoughtful piece. My view is that by letting my wife in on my secret, I would be creating a situation where she may feel she has to lie on my behalf. I wouldn't want to make her a liar on my behalf. Would she want to disclose what her husband does to her friends and family? Would she feel comfortable hiding my secret if I'm not comfortable with it being more widely dispersed? I expect not, therefore I won't burden her with it. In this case, ignorance just might be the better part of bliss.
It is (and has always been) a very hard subject. And you touch critical points: The established relationship "contract" between two persons with all the assumptions of their assumed personas.
Changing one of the personas, irrevocably changes the terms of that contract and there is no way back, as you say.
I would want to just talk about the power concept. It doesn't become power until later in their conversations.
It is the re-assessment of the person in front of you.
Granted, it, in fact, is the same person (both have always been exactly that way) but a new variable has been revealed that the other party had no knowledge of, thus, introducing an imbalance that makes the wife/girlfriend to understand what she is facing and who she is or what she will become.
The biggest issue stems from her own understanding of the relationship and sexual roles because, let's accept that, she will try to evaluate whether she is, or will be, queer or lesbian and if her SO will want to go "all the way" into transition.
If they, by great effort are able to talk and understand the extents and limits, and after that both agree on those, and keep their new arrangement, then maybe the relationship can be kept.
Unfortunately, most of the times, the change in the variables makes impossible to re-negotiate the relationship and then it fails.
We have good examples of CDs keeping the family and their status (no power involved), look at Stana's story at Femulate.
But then again, hers is not the norm but an exception.
I applaud your well written article and its content, a very well observed account. Both enlightening for those who are in a relationship or marriage and to those who aren't.
I hope to see more of your articles.
Sophie--
My intention is summarized in its last paragraph: better think long and hard before doing it.
Cassie
Cheryl, I've been married twice and had a long third relationship. If I ever get involved with anyone again they have no choice but to know who and what I am sweeheart xxx
Cheryl, I've been married twice and had a long third relationship. If I ever get involved with anyone again they have no choice but to know who and what I am sweeheart xxx
Sophie--
My intention is summarized in its last paragraph: better think long and hard before doing it.
Cassie
I applaud your well written article and its content, a very well observed account. Both enlightening for those who are in a relationship or marriage and to those who aren't.
I hope to see more of your articles.
Beautiful article , indeed rewriting the boundaries can be hard , compromise , communication , gender therapy all played a part in helping . We've successfully achieved our balance , but it was a rollercoaster ride for a year , now 3 yrs on we're happier than ever. I get my feminine expression every day & my wife doesn't have to see me fully makeover - I do that at a professional CD studio 4 times a year.
We both gave up things in order to help the other , but we don't resent the other for what we gave up, our marriage didn't have any other major issue/s , so we decided not to give up our love of each other.
We're out about me & this certainly helps as there's no " dirty little secret " to keep for either of us.
Beautiful article , indeed rewriting the boundaries can be hard , compromise , communication , gender therapy all played a part in helping . We've successfully achieved our balance , but it was a rollercoaster ride for a year , now 3 yrs on we're happier than ever. I get my feminine expression every day & my wife doesn't have to see me fully makeover - I do that at a professional CD studio 4 times a year.
We both gave up things in order to help the other , but we don't resent the other for what we gave up, our marriage didn't have any other major issue/s , so we decided not to give up our love of each other.
We're out about me & this certainly helps as there's no " dirty little secret " to keep for either of us.
Cassie,
Your insight indicates experience and compassion. While I believe it virtually impossible to achieve genuine symbiosis between the CD and his wife, I’m convinced that the “before marriage” timing is the best chance. If the CD thing could be on the table at the onset, the subjugation that substitutes for compromise, could be avoided. If she chose a crossdresser, maybe she could accept his feminine needs without jealousy or resentment. Even a willing wife who learned it after marriage could lose her resolve if he gets really pretty!
FAM
Cassie,
Your insight indicates experience and compassion. While I believe it virtually impossible to achieve genuine symbiosis between the CD and his wife, I’m convinced that the “before marriage” timing is the best chance. If the CD thing could be on the table at the onset, the subjugation that substitutes for compromise, could be avoided. If she chose a crossdresser, maybe she could accept his feminine needs without jealousy or resentment. Even a willing wife who learned it after marriage could lose her resolve if he gets really pretty!
FAM
While I see the point, a few counter points. You should be up front when you meet. With my prev SO I told her on second date I was bi ( but I wasn't CDing at the time but later did ) because she seemed to sense it and asked. We had a semi open relationship where I could get what I needed on a dont ask don't tell most of the time basis. I suppose if I made a mistake it was when she asked if she could put me in makeup and I chickened out while screaming inside YES PLEASE just do it ! It was during that time on my own I came fully into exploring my CD non binary nature.
For those of you who are married and have a SO that doesn't know, you may need to have a deep look at the relationship. There is an underlfying false premise here : save the relationship almost no matter what. Based I think mostly on fear of pain and causing hurt, never mind what may be some signigicant financial consequences, the guiding principle should be that you only live once. divorce is never easy, even when it happens without major fighting, but for the pain you also have a chance at new life. Everyone I know including myself will say getting out of a relationship that doesn't work is the best thing you can do even if you have 20 years in. The question is do you want to spend another 20 unhappy ? We have all been happier after its done. Was there pain ? yes but it goes away replaced with happiness eventually. Leaving a spouse, especially when kids, child support, maybe alimony, a house, cars and other things can be complicated and messy. Maybe you can work an arraignement out - how often do folks stay together "for the kids" which generally isn't a good idea because the financial cost is large. Some places are rather punitive in this area, but if both of you can work together in breaking up as was my case the costs can be greatly reduced. Finding some one to be with who can understand, not just accept but enjoy your non-binary ID is far far better than living a life of secrecy.
Alicia--
This is just the kind of discussion I was hoping to generate with my OP. Some marriages, including mine, do survive successfully and happily even with the secret never being shared.
Thanks,
Cassie
Alicia--
This is just the kind of discussion I was hoping to generate with my OP. Some marriages, including mine, do survive successfully and happily even with the secret never being shared.
Thanks,
Cassie
While I see the point, a few counter points. You should be up front when you meet. With my prev SO I told her on second date I was bi ( but I wasn't CDing at the time but later did ) because she seemed to sense it and asked. We had a semi open relationship where I could get what I needed on a dont ask don't tell most of the time basis. I suppose if I made a mistake it was when she asked if she could put me in makeup and I chickened out while screaming inside YES PLEASE just do it ! It was during that time on my own I came fully into exploring my CD non binary nature.
For those of you who are married and have a SO that doesn't know, you may need to have a deep look at the relationship. There is an underlfying false premise here : save the relationship almost no matter what. Based I think mostly on fear of pain and causing hurt, never mind what may be some signigicant financial consequences, the guiding principle should be that you only live once. divorce is never easy, even when it happens without major fighting, but for the pain you also have a chance at new life. Everyone I know including myself will say getting out of a relationship that doesn't work is the best thing you can do even if you have 20 years in. The question is do you want to spend another 20 unhappy ? We have all been happier after its done. Was there pain ? yes but it goes away replaced with happiness eventually. Leaving a spouse, especially when kids, child support, maybe alimony, a house, cars and other things can be complicated and messy. Maybe you can work an arraignement out - how often do folks stay together "for the kids" which generally isn't a good idea because the financial cost is large. Some places are rather punitive in this area, but if both of you can work together in breaking up as was my case the costs can be greatly reduced. Finding some one to be with who can understand, not just accept but enjoy your non-binary ID is far far better than living a life of secrecy.
Hi Cheryl Ann I do enjoy reading your Articles.I can see they come from a real place. Most of what you have written I do agree with. if i may add a little thought to the part breaking the contract, We do break the contract. I think in so many cases The SO feels we have introduced another person to the marriage. Some one she does not know and is a little apprehensive to say the least about accepting this new person. We do have to renegotiate the contract if we are asking her to accept this part of us and in so many cases the cross dresser is just beginning to learn about those feelings. In any negotiation both parties have feel comfortable there needs have been met. Do not forget we were the one that introduced some thing new into the relationship. We are the one asking for acceptance or tolerance.so it is only right or fair that the SO has the power to decide what she will or will not accept. We give up that power when we choose not to tell her before marriage. You are right telling before changes the rules.but is so risky that you may lose the person you believe is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I do disagree with you about putting the genie back in the bottle. She fits maybe with a little less space but goes back into the bottle. I have done it 2 times in my life First when i was a teenager and truly loved being out. I loved the attention i got from men despite not being attracted to them. My friend who was a girl like us met the wrong guy and her life came to a end. That truly scared me. I wanted out of that crazy trans life. The second I was out to my wife only because she found out not because i was brave and some thing happened A member of a club i once belonged to outed another member to me without knowing I was a member that scared me also . Please continue to write I love your perspective in most cases your articles are very thought provoking
Luv Stephanie
Thanks, Stephanie--
You get it. The re-negotiation of the relationship is certainly possible, but rarely easy. (And yes, we've almost all seemed to cycle in and out of our cd lives for various reasons.)
Cassie
Hi Cheryl Ann You get it also Thank you for your writings I truly enjoy your perspective. I feel so much comfort when i read others have similar thoughts Luv Stephanie
Hi Cheryl Ann You get it also Thank you for your writings I truly enjoy your perspective. I feel so much comfort when i read others have similar thoughts Luv Stephanie
Thanks, Stephanie--
You get it. The re-negotiation of the relationship is certainly possible, but rarely easy. (And yes, we've almost all seemed to cycle in and out of our cd lives for various reasons.)
Cassie
Hi Cheryl Ann I do enjoy reading your Articles.I can see they come from a real place. Most of what you have written I do agree with. if i may add a little thought to the part breaking the contract, We do break the contract. I think in so many cases The SO feels we have introduced another person to the marriage. Some one she does not know and is a little apprehensive to say the least about accepting this new person. We do have to renegotiate the contract if we are asking her to accept this part of us and in so many cases the cross dresser is just beginning to learn about those feelings. In any negotiation both parties have feel comfortable there needs have been met. Do not forget we were the one that introduced some thing new into the relationship. We are the one asking for acceptance or tolerance.so it is only right or fair that the SO has the power to decide what she will or will not accept. We give up that power when we choose not to tell her before marriage. You are right telling before changes the rules.but is so risky that you may lose the person you believe is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I do disagree with you about putting the genie back in the bottle. She fits maybe with a little less space but goes back into the bottle. I have done it 2 times in my life First when i was a teenager and truly loved being out. I loved the attention i got from men despite not being attracted to them. My friend who was a girl like us met the wrong guy and her life came to a end. That truly scared me. I wanted out of that crazy trans life. The second I was out to my wife only because she found out not because i was brave and some thing happened A member of a club i once belonged to outed another member to me without knowing I was a member that scared me also . Please continue to write I love your perspective in most cases your articles are very thought provoking
Luv Stephanie
Good article. Thanks for sharing and in hindsight I can say you are right. I should have told her while she was my girlfriend and not after she became my my wife.
And - I bought one of your books. Looking forward to the read.
Elaine--
But, I guess, from your note that, at least, your marriage has survived the "new terms." That's good.
Do let me know how you like the book. Either here or by writing to alanbarrie@yahoo.com.
(Incidentally, I have previously offered any Crossdresser Heaven member a long free excerpt of A WOMAN'S PASSION, so they can try before they buy. Just ask for it at alanbarrie@yahoo.com.)
Cassie
Elaine--
But, I guess, from your note that, at least, your marriage has survived the "new terms." That's good.
Do let me know how you like the book. Either here or by writing to alanbarrie@yahoo.com.
(Incidentally, I have previously offered any Crossdresser Heaven member a long free excerpt of A WOMAN'S PASSION, so they can try before they buy. Just ask for it at alanbarrie@yahoo.com.)
Cassie
Good article. Thanks for sharing and in hindsight I can say you are right. I should have told her while she was my girlfriend and not after she became my my wife.
And - I bought one of your books. Looking forward to the read.
Many times I would just throw everything in the trash and two days later my lady asks me what happened in the closet I threw everything away. Why did you do that..because of your feelings about me dressing up in lingerie and stuff .. I liked when you got all dressed up and let yourself be free I wasn’t mad I was jealous of all the sexy clothes that you had
