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They say with age comes wisdom. It also brings a confluence of memories and wishes. For those of us who see the world as being more than male and female it typically brings more heartache and unanswered questions. I know that I’m part of the new 40 having just turned 60, but as I look at my friends and classmates from high school on Facebook, I see less wisdom and more age. That’s not meant as a knock on them. You know, “Once a… still a…”
What would they all say if I suddenly replaced my male cover photo with one of Brina’s? I can imagine, as I’m sure most of you can also, and to those of you who have actually done it, I’d love to hear what happened. We have a safety net here at CDH where we can choose how much of ourselves (true or otherwise) to reveal to others. Is this the real world or is it Facebook? Yeah, I know, a huge debate that could go either way. Which one tells more truth? More lies? Which one gives us an accurate picture of the “Real World or Real me?”
Has my ship sailed as I become an older crossdresser who has transgender feelings but no idea of what it all means? I worry that my ship to pursue other options might be leaving port without me. My right leg has sciatica in it, (makes walking in those beautiful and dangerous stilettos more difficult and comical) and my body doesn’t want to give me any hope or help in staying fit and healthy. I can honestly say that some days I think about packing it in (not me; all the tapestries that are Brina.) That’s easily overcome and more of a mere prick at my insides as I buy the dress or wig that has caught my eye. No, Brina isn’t ever going into hiding again. Still, I feel like I’m running for the dock and trying to catch my ship before it sails away. And what if I miss it?
Isn’t that the imperative question we ask ourselves, not just in my case wondering if there is a future where I leave my maleness behind for good, but in the way we all watch time race by. Summers pass so quickly now, and birthdays stack up that I sometimes recite the wrong age. That is exactly the wrong perception to have. Believe that time is lost and thus it shall be. Now that I’m 60, I see death as a shadow that stands at a corner watching me consider whether I can generate enough burst of speed to safely cross the busy street without being plowed into by a charging truck. I do, as long as my knee doesn’t give out.
Maybe, I’m just trying to catch the wrong boat. I’m not really interested in the Party Cruise ship, or the fancy yacht, not even a speed boat. My style is more of a canoe down a leisurely river or across a calm lake while taking in the scenery along the way. It doesn’t matter how fast I get there or in the fanciest way, but instead in the peace (much needed) that the journey can offer. That feeling has no time limits placed on it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t wish that what I know now wouldn’t have been great to know 40 years ago. That was a different time, and I’m not sure I would have listened anyway. If I don’t take the time to enjoy the journey what’s the point in going?
This lifestyle is a burden and it’s also a blessing. In my younger days, I saw only the burdens—that’s where I wish I had today’s understanding of things. I still carry the burden, but I recognize and embrace the blessings. I like the kinder me, the more forgiving me, the more understanding and accepting me. None of which would have been there had it not been for the burdens. In a world that preaches diversity but propagates difference and superiority through all avenues, we find ourselves one of the larger targets. The world fears our voices and our visibility. We have allies and enemies, sometimes in the same person as heart and mind are conflicted and societal norms are hard to escape. CDH and TGH are one example of where real change is taking place.
There is a worldwide culture war taking place. Ageless indoctrination is being challenged and if successful, the world will face the biggest upheaval imaginable. A true sense of inclusion means ditching all the labels for the sake of one: human. At the moment, neither side really wants that. Depressed groups have a louder voice when they can claim injustice and demand that others see and acknowledge, as well as accept their label. Those in charge don’t want to undo the existing hierarchy for the betterment of all when they will lose some of their power.
My life matters, my opinions, my pursuit of becoming me (to what end that might be), my role on this site, my words, my treatment of others, my openness to change, and understanding that which I don’t know, matters. I only have to open my eyes and see that there isn’t one ship docked and waiting for me, but an infinite number just offshore waiting to take its place. I hold a ticket that will allow me to board whichever one I choose. Until I do, I will be sure to enjoy the hustle and bustle on the pier, watching the gulls flying in the air, smelling the salt water, feeling the spray of the water, and hearing the sounds of life all around me. Oh, and I will make sure to only cross with the walk sign at the crosswalk and keep my attention on that truck in case it runs the red light.
Until next time….
Brina
Very good read, I myself feel very similar in many ways. I don't think that at this point I could ever bring Sherri into the general public, not that I wouldn't mind changing my high school year book picture since no one from that time even knows who I am anyway, they didn't know then and they don't now. But since making friends and building strong relationships over the last 40 years I'm not sure if I would want to subject my friends with Sherri. Not because I'm ashamed but because I don't think it would be fair to burden them with second guessing our friendships. I think most all would except Sherri as their friend and those that didn't would have to deal with it but to put them in the position of having to think if I hid Sherri from them, what else did I not tell them.
I will say that if I was starting out now in today's world of acceptance I'd be Sherri in a heart beat and wouldn't care when my boat arrives, since that's not the case though, I will go on as I have and love who i am, as I am, and feel great about myself!
And thank you again Crossdresser Heaven for the place for us to talk so openly about our feelings.
Sherri
Sherri,
Great comments and sentiment in your response! Thank you for sharing them 🙂
Burden them???? (with a "Change? Using that Logic--one should never get married-
Lovely article and a great perspective on life and society.
I see you're a beautiful girl inside and out. No one can tell you what ship to board but you will know it when it arrives.
I'm older than you and can vouch for the drive that age lays on us to stop putting things off and be ourselves now instead of later. As we begin to notice the shortening of the candle a bit of anxiety begins creeping into our minds with thoughts and hopes of crossing off the most important items on our bucket list. Life makes us think hard about where we are at this stage and if we're really happy. Its now or never.
When I hit that stage years ago it was so strong that I decided to come out to the wife regardless of whatever might happen. I was so unhappy that I could face divorce, financial ruin, or even being publicly outed in order to be free to express my feminine persona. Luckily I'm still married and happier now than ever. I hope the best for you too sweetie.
Michelle,
Thank you for the response and for sharing your experience. I agree on the anxiety levels. I don't have a spouse to worry about...pardon my pun...that ship sailed long ago because of this very issue. I still tend to weigh my happiness against the discord of others. I believe there comes a time when the scales become so laden to one side that we have no choice but to seek personal happiness over the other. I'm glad to see that it balanced out for you in your relationship 🙂
Sabrina,
Great article!. I find as one gets older, except for grandkids, life can get repetitive and at times dull. But crossdressing replaces those dull times with expanded experiences of seeing and enjoying life through the female perspective. I may still be a bit in the closet, but in my home, I'm the lady of the house and enjoying every minute!
BTW your photo and the blond hair are lovely sister.
Hugs & Kisses,
Marian
My life has been busier the past few years, even considering the 6 grandkids, than before. I spend much time volunteering for a local service club. I agree on the expanded experiences, though I tend to feel as if at times it's the male side of me that is the crossdresser. I'm still in the closet, but I will admit that my leg and arm are outside and pulling me out.
Thank you for the compliment on my wig. I have a rotation of over 15 wigs that I wear, all colors and styles, none short or curly. I'm partial to Noriko and Raquel Welch's brands and styles. I could only imagine how many I've purchased, sold, or given away over the years.
thank you for posting - very well stated - and something we all should think about - you have great smile and beautiful look - keep being who you are !!! wish you a Happy Fourth !!! - Stacey
As always Brina, I love to read your well prepared articles… I can see where you love to write .. it is a gift and so glad you share your talent with us.
I am an older (70+) crossdresser. When dressed I feel so much younger.. (looking younger remains to be determined lol)
I love your new profile photo… you look so much younger and beautiful..
Best regards, Leonara
Thank you Leonara! I think (this is just me spouting my observations) that CDs have the ability to look younger when dressed than the average woman, and much younger than we appear in drab. I don't know if it's our old man butt and legs plus our less pudgy faces or something else. I keep thinking that I should color my hair (I still have it all but totally grey) and see if that makes me look equally young male...
Brina,
I am totally grey too… I guess my short blond wig makes me look younger ?!!!!
Nice article Brina. Your ship hasn't sailed; it has just changed course and you are the (female) Captain of that ship. I too feel your frustration with not being able to share our true feminine selves with the world completely.
Thanks for sharing this insightful article, Brina. I turn 62 this year and can totally relate to that shadow crouching in the corner. Best to ignore it and bask in the sunshine as long as possible. Keep smiling and writing these great pieces, GF.
Yes, so true. But as a writer, I'm afraid that I see more than shadows in the corner. Most people wouldn't like spending too much time in my head...lol. Thanks for the compliments 🙂
Absolutely enjoyed reading this! As your slightly older sister, I could relate to much of what you wrote. It seems as time flies by I ask myself more often than not; "Am I living a lie?" If I am, what are my options, really. I cannot risk my career, especially this late in life, to show up to the office in a skirt, blouse, perched on stilettos and say "Here I am...accept me!" Much like the high school class situation, many would be shocked and I'm sure the company would find a way to show me the exit.
It's a sad shame we can't all just be humans, removing all the stigma that goes with these societal boxes. Society talks about equality, treating everyone the same, then goes about creating yet another "box" to put people in and treat them differently.
I'm going to Diva Las Vegas for the first time this year with my GF who sooo completely embraces who I am. She actually encourages me to be the Gina with in as much as possible...I am very blessed!
Thank you for sharing!
~ Gina
Gina,
Thank you for sharing your insights, and I hope to someday make it to one of the conventions. I agree with all that you said. Let me know if your GF has a sister that feels the same way...lol. Have a great time at the convention 🙂
yup---I have so many dreams -but life gets in the way-
It's why we work so hard to steal little moments to help keep us sane. That is the one thing I might write in a letter to my younger self. Toss away the guilt and the shame and find enjoyment in those moments because they are more important than you might ever realize.
Thanks for commenting 🙂
Oh Brina! Thank you for such a beautifully perfect article. I was so into it, I hated for it to end. Hopefully we can chat soon.
Hi Brina, These are important ideas you bring up in this post. I've been working on these questions all my life and have found a few answers I'll try to share. First off instead of a ship taking off without me, I saw a wall in frond of me that I spent many years trying to get through or over and only managed to hurt myself in the process. Finally I became aware that there is nothing on the other side of that wall that I need to get to. That awareness stopped a lot of the pain. Also at some point in my life, death rode on my consciousness like a parrot on my shoulder. When you lose your male ego this happens and pushes you to attach yourself to a female ego. I didn't embrace death or push her away and eventually love found me and death left my consciousness.
hugs, Denise
Great analogies 🙂 I love how they help with the visualization of points. Thank you for sharing and commenting!
Girlfriend, I must admit, you definitely have an astute command of the English language!
And I can relate to every sentence of every paragraph written in this article because you and I are so close in age and are both facing the same issues which lie ahead for you and for me.
You're right about us CD girls having a target on us. When you look at the letters LGBTQ and maybe even a few more which have been added to that lineup, there's not a "CD" in the bunch! As a result, so many in that diverse community see us as a level below them and not worthy of the same respect they've received or are starting to see more of in the near future! But not so much with us second class cross dressers which don't get much support outside of this wonderful Crossdresser Heaven site!
On your thoughts of one day completely giving up your "maleness", I'm thinking when will the time come when I just look like a man in a dress and it's time to give up my "femaleness". And if I ever catch myself trying to match up the color of my eyeshadow with the color of the top I'm wearing - like a lot of ladies over the age of 70 try to do - then I know it will be time for me to hang this thrill of cross dressing up! Or if I start wearing hose with open toe sandals, it might be time for me to hang it up. I'm my own humble opinion, I think wearing hose with open toe sandals or heels for ladies over the age of 70 is not cool with today's style especially with the younger cross dressers of today.
And as you mentioned above, the Summers are going by more quickly as we grown older and now we are so far up in age, we can't even remember what age we are turning when our next birthday arrives! I know we can get within a couple of years of the correct number but that's about it right now. I'm 66 years old now and on my next birthday, I'll be lucky to guess what decade I'm in much less the number of years I've actually logged in on this short life we live. And at our age, we finally start realizing how short our lives are and how much more closer to the end than we are to the beginning of our lives. Not to mention the appreciation for the pain free health we used to enjoy when we were 5 years old, or 15 years old, or 25 years old, or even 45 years old!
Are we much wiser now? You bet. Have we almost perfected the art of makeup application? Yep, we're right on target from either the professional makeovers many of our girls have been through more than once or like me with no professional makeovers and learning my makeup application art by watching about 100 makeup application videos on Youtube which is how I perfected the art of makeup application. I've never had a professional makeover and have no need for one ever at this stage of the game!
One thing us ladies past the age of 50 have in comman is the fact we all wish we could have started the full up getting our girl on from top to bottom cross dressing when we were much younger. Many of us were so deep in that cross dressing closet you couldn't even find us if you started parting the femme clothing we all had hidden in our secret closet stash or in that temperature controlled storage unit a few blocks or miles from our homes!
And what other obstacles were we dealing with back in our younger days? How about children who were just new borns up to the age when they are leaving the house for college or the military just to get away from home or to pursue an education so they could have a better and much more independent life of their own. Then there were those demanding jobs we might not have been thrilled to get to every morning or night for 45 years! Or our nights in college we spent after our full time jobs were over for that day! Or the sports we loved to play as a kid or after work which may have put a huge dent in our time to put on something sexy. Or when our bodies gave way from being able to play those sports and we had to switch to coaching the sports instead of playing them because our bodies couldn't take it anymore and we couldn't play the sports at the levels we used to be able to play them when we were much younger.
Oh, and don't forget about those parents or wives from which we had to hide our thrill of cross dressing. And the times we came ever so close to getting caught by those close family members to also include our brothers or sisters when we were just kids and we never knew when they were going to show up at the house!
Anyway Brina, I thought I would share the thoughts that wonderfully written article of your's brought to mind. So I just decided to add my own story to your's instead of writing the same type of article you just posted.
Many of you girls may have guessed that Brina is a professional writer and I think she has just completed her fourth book from cover to cover. She's been my managing editor in our article section for well over three years now and a real jewel to work with and for! We've probably exchanged more private messages over the last three years than any two other members on this entire site! Mostly me asking for direction on certain articles I've chosen to edit over the years. I think I'm still her most favorite associate editor! Maybe because I'm her only associate editor at this time! And girls, if you've got some time to kill and you're a pretty good writer, you would probably make a decent editor here at this wonderful site and we are always looking for additional help as an editor in our article section noted above and to the right!
That's it for now Brina and I apologize for writing a response to your article which is probably longer than your article above this note. Maybe the girls will want to send in a response to my response which will add to the responses you've already recieved on this beauty!
Love ya girlfriend and so glad you're always there for me when I need you!
Sincerely, Scarlett
You're welcome girlfriend and I loved the photo of you above the article! You sure look pretty in that picture! We old gals still have it going on!
XOXOX Scarlett
Dear Brina
I’ve just received Vanessa’s latest email and immediately my attention was drawn to the article “That ship has sailed” , there are two reasons that particular title grabbed my attention, 1. It resonates so deeply with my own feelings and 2. The article was written you you.
As I read down through the article pretty much everything you say is so close to my own thoughts and feelings of where I am at the moment.
As with all your other articles this one is so well crafted and
thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us through this fabulous article.
Love Stephanie xx
Thank you kindly for the praise and compliments. It sometimes feels as if we have to have a specific target or deadline in place or else... In this case, there is no "or else." The goal is to live life as best we can with what we have in front of us today and to realize that might change tomorrow and be ready if it does. It may be simplistic, but that's what my older age wisdom tells me.
Thanks for commenting 🙂
