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I've been dying to dress all week. Decided on a body shave earlier at home, it was overdue. Felt so clean and crisp after, like I'd just been born. Packed up my nice blue lacy bra and cheeky panties, skinny jeans, a few tops, makeup and flats rounded out my bag.
Finished my last class a few hours ago. Came to a secluded part of campus... I love this place ... 6 floors up from a busy street, open area about 100 feet long. 10 foot floor to ceiling windows all the way down and comfy chairs.
I changed in the little girls room ... off with the male clothes. Slid on my bra and panties ... oh, the infusion! Softness ... peace ... tranquility, a calm energy .... s e r e n i t y ... is charging me up. On went the skinny jeans and a strappy cami top. Did some quick make up. Nothing special - concealer, foundation & a dark wine colored lipstick. Fitting for a subdue Friday night.
OMG I felt sooo girly even with that. Love how my products are scented, just adds to the whole experience. My heart skipped a beat .... heard voices outside! .... the door opens ... eek
Was just a regular girl. She did her thing, checked herself in the mirror then left. We didn't exchange words but I could tell she was chill in my far-from-passing presence. Whew ... first time for everything, glad it went well.
Sitting now, at a table writing this. There's no one here. I'm by myself but not alone ... its dark outside. My reflection beckons me in the glass. I like what I see, I like how I feel. A feminine energy emanates from my pores. Pedestrians and cars below are blissfully unaware a little piece of Kristy is radiating to them. I am connected ... connected to the world from my safe place. It's a public space here. Anyone could suddenly come in ... though I feel the balance of being exposed to the world, yet at a safe distance.
As I move my shoulders, my bra straps kiss their tops gently. The blue lace still hugs my chest with tenderness. My next thought .... I want to learn the craft of makeup. Becoming a sort of artist, or perhaps a sculptor. One who sees life buried in the stone and merely chisels to set it free.
Freedom was always the prize here ... whether I realized it or not. Now I'm free from guilt. Free from shame. Free from purges. Free ... to be Me. The recent past had me wrestling with thoughts of having a femme name. Was this an alter ego? Another person? A split personality? ...
I stare blankly at the sidewalk below. What's just occurred to me ... is, I have dual citizenship. Dual citizenship to the world. I can engage life on my default male credentials, or ... in time be able to relate and participate on the 'passport' of Kristy. They are both me, contained in a single person. Moments pass ...
I wonder then ... how a coin must feel, left on a table indefinitely. Only a single side shows, the other side banished until its keeper returns.
Perhaps the keeper and I have had more in common than I realize. On the other hand, I'm glad to have learned I am indeed a keeper. A keeper instead of a tyrant to that part of myself I had understood so poorly ... Thankfully, that's in the past.
Soon also this Friday night will pass. It's time to set aside my thinking cap and relax....
Here's to all of our futures: they are bright if we choose them to be.
~K
Great writing
I too STOPPED the purging and started the accepting. Though I dont fully transform I d like to challenge the norm and wear pretty dresses and shoes as a guy thats my take on all this.
Why can’t I as a man wear a dress and heels like women wear pants ?
Hmmmm?!
Or skinny jeans and stillettos? In male mode with light make up - eyeliner foundation- not to pass but to look better
I applaud your journey and look forward to more posts
Good question Stef, and one that has multiple levels. There is really no real reason why we shouldn't feel constraints on what we choose to wear. Then there are the social constructs that restrain and confine us.
Whether we like it or not, there is still a degree of fear and suspicion about anybody who does not conform to social norms. Its almost as if ' straight' men feel we are trying to con them into intimate relationships with them despite most 'dressers' felling as repulsed as other ' straight' men by the very thought of having sex with another man.
I do however so wish that people would cease and desist from saying if women can wear 'x' then why can't men wear 'y'. Such arguments really don't do anything to assert the basic human right of both men and women to self expression.
Take care Stef.
Anne-Marie
Kristy
I’m so happy for you! I know exactly what are you talking about, I’m in the middle of the journey too and as you I also want the peace of mind of be myself. Thank you for sharing your history, it’s encouraging know that whe are not the only ones.
I am a very athletic, fit 59 year old cross dresser who doesn’t pass, and I am finally beginning to no longer care if people know what I am. I have long below the shoulder hair and pierced ears. I ware rather androgynous clothing most of the time. It feels so good to be more of the real me.
I loved your article.
What a lovely and poignant essay. I’m with you love.
Wonderful thoughts, extremely well expressed. Thanks so much for sharing. Purging is a thing of the last for me as well. I only get rid of something now when it no longer fits, or is worn out.
Best of luck!
Well written . so inspiring. thanks for sharing.
Great writing Kristy! I especially liked the coin metaphor. I joined this site to find other like minded people. So nice to see someone on here from Canada. Crossdressers are pretty thin on the ground where I am so hopefully we can be friends and support each other when we need it.
Thank you Kristy, and well written. The theme of calmness and feminine energy seems a common one with crossdressers and transgender. In my lifelong quest to find the truths in a existentialistic sense your words have provided important data.
I really enjoyed your well-written essay, Kristy. I liked the metaphor about dual citizenship; it was novel and apt. Enjoy your journey, sweetie!
Kirsty.
I enjoyed reading what you wrote and can relate to your comments. Even though I spend most of my life dressed and presenting as mu femme self. The feeling of having having a cleanly shaved body really is remarkable and adds an extra dimension to being dressed en femme. Then there is the clothes themselves and the makup. It all really does make me feel so at peace with both myself and the world. I also love the gentle hug of a properly fitting bra and my obg as the stockings tug against the straps. There are so many reasons that I spend so much of my life in femme mode but the tactile experience is a major one of them.
I love your comment about how you have become free with even the purges being history. I to am free from them as accepting who I am and the way that dressing in dresses, skirts and other feminine clothing helps my perceptions of what it must be to be female. It really is like being two different people. On the one hand, the me that experiences my stress filled work life, managing as I do in my socialised male presentation. Then there is the rest of my time when - irrespective of what I wear - I am the femme me, free to be who I choose to be.
As you said, 'here’s to all of our futures: they are bright if we choose them to be'.
Take care Kirsty.
Anne-Marie
You took the words right out of my mouth.
How exciting.
Kristy-you have a wonderful way with words and great metaphors for things we all share in our journeys of exploration. Thanks for giving me even more to ponder!
Cyn
Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. It's amazing to have a place where you can express yourself to people who share an unspoken understanding.
Cheers,
