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I’m sharing here an essay I wrote in response to a note a I received recently from a pre-op transsexual that included, among other things, the following sentence fragment: “…but you are just a crossdresser; you can’t possibly understand what I am feeling about that.”
Obviously, it was the “just a” in that sentence that got to me. I thought we had gotten past all that class warfare on the trans-spectrum.
Here’s my response in the form of an essay.
There are those among us who can choose to be women, but do so only whenever it is convenient and whenever they feel like it.
So I say to the dismissive transsexual: often those “just crossdressers” can be quite wonderful and happy as occasional women, even if only for themselves. Often, while choosing to be women, they can look as good as and move with as much grace as any women, transsexual or cis-born. And dress as well. And unselfconsciously feel things with the same woman’s natural sensibilities.
Often, they are long passed the time when their sexuality was centered on their clothes, and instead the pleasure is just in being a woman in the world … but doing so only occasionally. Some of the lucky ones even find themselves in comfortable, even passionate, even if intermittent, relationships as a woman … and with a man or a woman, as they choose.
I admire transsexuals, the ultimate existential heroines, women of courage choosing to live their lives as they were meant to, being their ‘true selves’ no matter what tricks nature and fate have tried to play on them. But, for some few, their own struggles have made them too dismissive of others on our wonderfully varied transgender spectrum. Ironically, for some, it is their own lack of free will, lack of choice, that they claim as the justification for their attitude.
Here, I champion the committed crossdresser, the sporadic casual crossdresser, the underdresser, the successful passer, the never-leave-their-rooms, those just starting, those who have stopped being personally active, even those whose interest in women’s clothes never progresses beyond a fetishistism. I champion them all, I argue for their fully legitimate, fully equal places in our community.
I’m saddened by the last vestiges of class warfare in our community, especially from those who claim political correctness, but can’t suppress their lingering perceptions of the crossdresser as being, somehow, of a lower order of being than themselves.
As the politicians say, let me make myself clear: I find that most transsexuals nowadays are past all that, are fully respectful of us all. But, for those that still succumb to it, this touchy defensiveness and unworthy disdain exposes a nerve of protest-too-much self-doubt that is embarrassing in its obviousness.
Get over it girls. We’re not better nor worse than you. We’re just different. Let us be. Celebrate us, as we celebrate you.
We are free. And our courage is in recognizing and acting on our freedom … whenever it is convenient and exactly when and only when we choose to.
Discussion Questions: Scarlett, my wonderful editor at CDH (see her photo with mine at the top of this essay: she’s the much younger and prettier girl!), predicted that this essay would draw a lot of attention and suggested that I tack on at the end of the essay some relevant questions for the CDH community in order to facilitate discussion.
These questions assume that you are a crossdresser, that you (at this time at least) don’t plan on transitioning, that you are not living fulltime as a woman.
When you dress as a woman, whether in reality or even just ”in your dreams,” is it more than “just dressing?” Is it just the clothes, or is it the desire to BE a woman in the world, however intermittently?
I have never met a crossdresser who doesn’t wish that she had more opportunity to crossdress, that she could do it more often, that she could be successful presenting herself as a woman in public: given that is true: what exactly is it, in your opinion, that distinguishes a crossdresser from a pre-op transsexual? (In your response, go beyond the prima facie “crossdressers don’t want to transition”: talk deeper about the psychological and emotional differences.)
When you get your total girl on as a crossdresser, do you feel like a girl or do you feel like you need the hormone treatments and sexual reassignment surgeries to have that total feeling as a girl?
Please feel free to send in a response to my article or an answer to one or more of the questions posed to you above.
Sincerely, Cassie
Great article Cheryl and I too have felt that same discrimination from other transgirls at clubs and events. Its like they look down at us as second class people. No the problem is theirs for not really understanding. we are every bit a women as they are but just choose not to do hormones and like our male self as well. I prefer the full gambit of life enjoying both sides.I am every bit a woman as any of them when I choose to be.
Whatever it is that is common among us, there are as many differences as there are trans women. That we all may find ourselves under the same umbrella might be disputed by some, but I don't see any one of us as being in the center, holding up the umbrella, either.
I must say that transitioning to living a woman's life has included, by necessity, abandoning whatever male privilege I had enjoyed before. I have also given up my patriarchal position as husband, father, and grandfather; not the love, but it's now so different than it used to be. Securing meaningful employment as a woman is more of a challenge; not to mention accomplishing it as a trans woman.
I could list many more things that have become different in my life, since I began my transition. Having employed cross dressing in the past, as an attempt to satiate my desire to be a woman, I eventually came to the realization that I was not a cross dresser. In fact, cross dressing was inconvenient for me. There was a point I reached where I felt I was cross dressing as a male for (what I thought was) the benefit of others. When my wife, one day, told me that I only wanted to enjoy the fun parts of being a girl, I protested emphatically. Everything changed at that moment - for all concerned.
So, yes, I would have to agree that "...[one]
can’t possibly understand what I am feeling about that.” I would never preface that with "You are just a cross dresser," however. I would caution those who have not committed themselves to transitioning to refrain from expressing that they believe they can understand one who has, as well.
BTW, I have also experienced the feeling of being looked down upon by a cross dresser when I was told that I just didn't have the constitution required to live a bi-gendered life, and the balancing that it required. Well, it's true that I couldn't when I tried to, but it doesn't make me weak in character or "less-than" because of the choice I made to transition. All I can answer to that is: You be you, and let me be me.
Cassie, This is a beautiful essay. When I started crossdressing with any seriousness a year ago I felt a level of self love that I had never experienced before. In fact I received the love from myself that I had never received from anyone else. The loving caress of my soft hairless skin. The luxury of shaving my legs and the amazing feeling of actually feeling my skin against fabrics. The act of looking in the mirror and loving how I look. Feeling beautiful and complimented. I had never, sadly, experienced a love anywhere close to that from my parent’s, wives or anyone in my life. The simple act of experiencing the love of self was so foreign to me, any simple act of self love was a revaluation to me. Being able to embrace the feminine portions of my being have had an enormous impact on my self esteem and my creativity. Releasing the self doubt and genuinely, openly, embracing me in all its complexity is the most liberating form of love I can imagine. So an actual reveling of the inside expression’s of the love, I feel for myself, inside, are becoming tangibly visible on the outside.
I so wish that feeling and level of love for ones self for every person on this earth.
We all have a way to go but having the freedom to go there is fantastic!
Hugs
Diane
She almost certainly started as "just a crossdresser" herself, so in reality she is no different or better than we are. She has just gone further with her personal journey. It's sad that some girls feel the need to elevate themselves. An inverse version of this is in one of Monty Pythons sketches. It went something like this: "I used to live in a cardboard box." "cardboard box! You were lucky, I lived in a paper bag in't middle of road!" Sorry, I digress.
I dress to physically experience the real me. Long gone are the negative thoughts I had, reinforced by society and prejudice, to be replaced by total acceptance of the woman I am, stuck with a male body. Would I have transitioned years ago? Probably not because I didn't. If I hadn't married and had a family perhaps I would have done. Hey Ho, that boat sailed long ago. Like many my femininity has evolved and blossomed over many years as I have rewired my neural pathways in the feminine way I wish to experience.
Interesting perspective, Stephanie. I have a half finished essay about my reasons for a recent major purge, but your note made me realize that I have to think it through more.
Hi Cassie
Thanks for your article.
I have heard of this friction between transsexuals and cross dressers, but never met a transexual so no personal experience.
I totally agree they should be more understanding of live and let live, we have as much right to wear what we want as they do.
Personally I do not want to be a woman.
Do I want to pass as a woman, that’s a difficult one. I guess when out I do strive for that, but feel that aim is more to do with just being able to enjoy being out wearing what I want with minimal hassle. Don’t want stares, pointing, ignorant sniggers or comments, so yes do like to ‘blend in’.
Women can use lots of little tricks to look better why can’t we? From make up, underwear to enhance their shape, wigs,etc etc, just want to have fun and try to look fabulous.
Shallow? perhaps, and if somebody (man or woman) doesn’t want to make the effort that their choice. But I do! And I love it, like a hobby. And let’s face it women’s fashion and all the little tricks they have to augment how they look is just such fun. Love the fashions, experimenting with different looks. So much better than the limited choices traditionally offered to men.
It makes me feel good inside. The feel of different fabrics against smooth skin, having hair brush against my cheeks, accessorising, having eye make up making my eyes ‘pop’ or some lippy to give my lips a boost.
I am heterosexual and perhaps this is why I think a woman’s body is just so...wonderful, the curves, lines, silhouette are just so beautiful. So is it any surprise I want to try to emulate beauty.
Yes I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but for me that’s a woman’s body.
And please please please don’t tell me I’m being shallow. I am talking solely about looking good. I know their are more important things like a personality, comparability, kindness etc. But I’m not dressing to attract a partner. I’m dressing for me. And, aside from attracting negative attention, I don’t really care what others think.
❤️B
Years and years ago I reached a similar place: treat it like a hobby and get to be as good at it as I can. That perspective worked for me for the rest of my life. But, unlike you, although I always understood myself as heterosexuals, there was a period in my life that I got to REALY like being a woman in the company of a man. Especially out and about. (See my article on my first kiss as a woman.) That time is now past ... except in my memories! But I still think that there is nothing that a crossdresser can wear to make her feel more like a woman than a good looking man on her arm.
I've never been a woman in the company of a man, but I think I'm in this phase now... (´･_･`)
the phase about the 'man on her arm' part... （〜^∇^)〜
lately, this intriguing thought, this curiosity, these what iffs have mesmerised and grabbed hold of a small corner of my mind and refuses to let go.. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
its a temptatious, fascinating and a little uncomfortable phase to be in for an indecisive crossdresser like me... ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌
Indeed I have Cassie... I reread it today too... I didn't and couldn't bring myself to comment there b'coz (its kind of an ironical paradox here, but) the only thing I am certain of right now is that I don't actually know what I want... ヽ（´ー｀）┌ ...
also.. Hi Bianca.. even though I have no makeup tools nor makeup skills, I too want to pass in the looks department whenever the pink mist rises.. （〜^∇^)〜（〜^∇^)〜
Great article Cheryl,
When I dress as a woman, it is my desire to be a woman at that time.. I have had counseling to accept the woman within
My counselor, Heather, commented favorably on my demeanor and my presentation of my true self... yes I love to show off a cute LBD but for me it’s not only the dress but the beautiful woman showing it off lol..
I am balancing favorably my alter egos
Thank you again for another thought provoking article...
Leonara
Even though occasional, BEING a woman in the world, not just dressing like a woman in the world, was what I strived for for over 40 years. I got there, and I never stopped loving it. I've chosen to give it up just this year, and I knew I would miss it, and I do.
Thank you for writing this, Cheryl Ann. The TS community is strong and vibrant where I live, and often the CDs like me get shunted to the background. But we're just as vital as anyone on the spectrum and deserve to be treated as equals.
Yes, Steph. That was the main point that I was trying to make. Even if it is only occasional, that doesn't mean that it is not as complete a feeling of being a woman as we can possibly accomplish. And when we get good at it, the satisfaction that brings outweighs all the difficulties are need to do it causes.
Actually, I wouldn’t define it as a class issue. I think some people have been beaten up so much by events in their lives that they need to feel superior to someone; anyone. Being transgender often puts a lot of pressure on people, such as trying to be yourself in opposition to the narrow confines of how general society defines gender. Many just can’t handle that. It also shows up between trans people in terms of back stabbing, discounting other trans people and never missing a chance to talk negatively about them. As a community we have a lot of BS that we don’t seem to able to let go. Because of this, the trans community is viewed as unreliable, hard to work with and very untrustworthy...
I know, right? It makes me so sad. I thought we had gotten past that, but it still keeps cropping up. (And that kind of in-fighting and cliquing within groups is so often associated with teen girls, right? Ironic.)
Thanks for the article Cheryl. Enjoyed reading it. Personally I am jealous of the girls that had the nerve and ability to totally transition over to female, but I am also very happy for them. So of us are sort of stuck in between because of the lives we live or for whatever reason, and have not been able to take that step. I would hope that most of the girls that were able to transition to female would have some understanding in regards to what some of the girls are going through that couldn’t or wouldn’t take that next step. Thanks Susan.
Sometimes I wonder that if life hadn't gotten in the way if I would have leaned toward transitioning, but life did just that. Also, it just wasn't as common when I was at that stage. But. in th end, I love my wife, my kids, my grandkids, my life. The price would have been too high. Made do as best I could.
Hi Ladies , My first question to the Trans lady is did you cross dress before SRS , and if so then you were just a cross dresser your self to . You decided to take it further and have surgery . My next question , how do you know were not going to SRS our selves? See were i am going with this, we all start out the same , to feel as fem as possible , to look sweet and be a lady . Surgery is very expensive and a lot cannot afford this so lay off and be more understandable . We are all in the same boat , and fighting the same battles , to be excepted as who we are and want to be . Leslie
Exactly, Leslies Ann. Even if we decide that transitioning is not for us, it doesn't meant that our femininity is not important to us when, as I argued in my essay, we choose to and when it is convenient for us.
What a beautifully expressed response! Labels in any way, shape or form do nothing but divide us as the luminous beings we truly are. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around someone in a ‘less accepted community‘ being so disdainful after all the internal and external struggles they must have experienced.
Thanks for your note, Rei.
Gladly, though, in recent years its more the exception than the rule. It used to be worse when transsexuals would put us in the same class as drag queens. Now, more are accepting that there are lots of points on the transgender spectrum, and each member is worthy of respect.
Thank you for coming to the defense of us part-time "gurls". I won't presume to speak for others, but as for myself: I don't present as Bettylou full-time because I can't...family obligations take priority over my personal desires. I'm not on HRT because my medical history rules it out. And I don't even consider surgery because I'm in my eighth decade; it would be foolish and dangerous to pursue that thought. Nevertheless, I'm content; because in spirit, in my heart, I AM Bettylou, 24/7/365.
We're in exactly the same place, Bettylou. And I stopped dressing at all just this year, but I'm in the process of writing a series for CDH on still participating as a "vicarious woman".
Cassie,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing such a thought provoking, well written essay. I found it so compelling, I read the essay along with many of the replies twice. What struck me initially was the sentence fragment that started the essay. I found it bothersome on two levels. The first and most important level to me is using the descriptor “just”. In my experience, describing oneself or others as “just” is a strong devaluation.
The second way I found it bothersome, was that it was a sentence fragment excerpted from a full note. Initially I started to form a judgment of the individual’s intent before reminding myself there was a balance of a note and possibly other correspondence leading to the fragment that I am not privy to. I found it a great reminder that I should not rush to judge others. A sentiment that came through so clearly to me as I read your essay.
In Connie’s reply, she mentions loss of male privilege and patriarchal position. It took much longer than it should have for me to understand how much benefit accrues from both. As a part time, mostly closeted crossdresser, I have given up neither. Because I am a crossdresser, however, I have my own cross to bear. The author of the fragment may have bitterness from relinquishing privilege or feeling the loss of acceptance from loved ones or something else entirely. She may resent crossdressers like me, who for our own reasons stay in the closet and aren’t out front in the fight for LGBTQ rights. Whatever the writer’s intent, I believe describing any individual or group of people as “just” prevents meaningful dialogue. Cassie, your essay does a great job of advocating respect for all no matter where their journey is taking them. Bravo!
Finally to answer the thought provoking question you asked at the end of the essay. In my opinion, what distinguishes a crossdresser from a pre-op transsexual is the Individual themself. I would love to spend more than 3% of my time dressing, but choose not to, at least at the moment. I would love to go out in public, but won’t as it is a hard boundary for my partner. I would love to see how passible I can make myself in look and mannerism, but likely never will. When I dress, I feel a wholeness and peacefulness not present when I’m in drab.
In my case, I will not transition, but it took me a few very difficult years to figure that out. For me it goes far deeper than enjoying male privilege or my role as husband and father. I grew up with strong male tendencies, which persist even today. I like doing “guy” things and always have. It was never for show to throw anyone “off the trail”. It is part of who I am, the part I’m ok with. The cross I mentioned before is that I’m still trying to become ok with my more feminine side, but I am getting better.
Hugs,
Bobbi
I'm writing this reply not so much to Bobbi herself but to everyone. If you have a few moments, do open up and read the whole of Bobbi's response.
This is a deep thinker. And also, she is an introspective woman who is remarkably honest with herself. And open in her sharing.
In short, this is not just a reply to my essay, it is an important essay in its own right. And worth reading.
Thanks for it, Bibbi.
I’m a Late Bloomer, a MTF Crossdressing Closet Girl; When I’m Dressed and have my full Girl on the clothes, the heels are basically accessories to my feminine persona. The Dressing adds or even highlights the feminine movements and mannerisms which is a part of my self expression, my self identity. It does definitely surprise me to hear of this type of judgment or class casting in our little world. Considering wether one has fully transitioned or just starting out as closet dresser; the outing, the shaming, the rude and cruel responses to us who identify under the Trans Umbrella by the outside world and yet here that same kind of ugliness is here amongst us. I guess it just adds validation to the saying, “People change but not much”
Davida--
I think less than it did a few years ago (when transsexuals were first feeling a sudden explosion of acceptance and validation and, ironically, because disdainful of others on the spectrum), but it still lingers. Hence my essay.
I’m a Closet Girl and have absolutely no experience as a Dresser and actual physical contact so I’ll bow out to those who do
