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Today it’s over. I’m not going to purge anymore. This is my last one. I’m packing the life I thought I could live into a bag and donating it. As I look at those clothes in a pile, one last shiver goes down my spine – I’ll never go there again. I’ll never purchase those clothes, I’ll never get sucked into their enticing lies, I’ll never let myself pretend to pass as someone I’m not. This is it – I’ve decided. This is my final purge.
To some the crossdressing purge is a right of passage. A validation the you’ve struggled with your feminine nature. Even if you emerge slightly scarred, poorer and remorseful at your lack of will power, there is still something inside you that sits in silent approval at your heroic attempts to be what you were supposed to be.
As I pack a pair of ratty and well worn looking pants into a garbage bag I contemplate all my previous purges. They’ve all been committed in a bought of self disgust, a hope against hope for a better future fueled my fervor. I was not going to do this anymore. I fold a collared shirt, and think about how different it is this time. For the first time I’m purging at peace. There is no doubt. There is no self recrimination.
With some nostalgia I place the first suit my dad gave me into the bag. I have no need for it anymore. The pile of t-shirts sits close by, reminding me of all the projects I’ve worked on over the years. I shake my head and wonder at the poor taste I had in clothing.
Ties and shoes and other things I haven’t worn in months – they must all go. The next item gives me pause. I unzip the bag – it’s the suit I wore to my wedding that I’m now giving away. The symbolism is not lost on me. For a moment I’m deep in self reflection – flashing back to all the years I spent growing to this point. My heart pains at my love who I’m losing, and the upside-down world she’ll be in for the next few months.
With the clothes neatly folded and packed I marvel at my final purge. After all those years of struggle it’s come to this. The man I never was lies ready for his final journey to Goodwill. Out of my life, but hopefully he’ll bring someone else warmth and comfort.
This is my final purge. And I am at peace.
Save your old underwear. They work really well to clean the barbeque grill.
i've found all cotton ones work well on bike parts. not the slinky nylon that i like to wear tho!
I also have gone through purges of my femme clothing, but recently I did another purge, but not what you think. I reviewed everything in my closets and dresser drawers. There were numerous things I don't wear anymore. A couple of Kilts that no longer fit me. They were soon history. Then I started checking my male pants. Since I no longer wear these garments of genital horror, I discarded all of them, followed by several mens shirts and shorts. I haven't worn mens' underwear, boxers or briefs for years, so what was left collecting dust was promply
thrown into the waist bins. So now I have only 14 dresses, 17 skirts, 14 skorts and numerous pairs of nylon panties. I also rid of the tights that needed replaced and the socks. These I can easily replenish on my next shopping trip. All of my former male clothing was now gone, either put in the trash or donated to the local thrift stores. Why keep them, I don't wear male clothing anymore. This was the best purge I ever started and completed.
Congratulations Vanessa on such a great beginning of your new life. You have all my best wishes.
Darlene
This is a really beautiful post Vanessa. I wish both you and your wife well in the road ahead.
I need to do that. I've long realized that I'm in total disagreement with my born gender. Now I stand at the door, staring in, hesitant to take that next step. I need to completely let go of the lie I've been living . I've still gone to work playing a male figure on life's stage. It's a big step and I'm not sure how to proceed with it. I think it's a perfect time, being unemployed and looking for a job. But I don't understand why I'm holding back. I know that I'd be happier, 3 therapists have told me I'd be happier. I just don't understand.
Maybe it's a fear of discrimination in the hiring process. Perhaps it's my own limits due to my height and build. I'm very weary of it now.
This step was a long time in the making. It certainly will be easier to keep everything in one place. I have my cloths scatered and need to orginize it better. Never thought of cleaning the barbaque with old underwear . I have lots of them I never worn.
What a wonderful post Vanessa - i felt exactly the same some 4 years ago when I did that final clear out of all male attire and for me it was the final acceptance of the inner struggle of letting go and accepting my new life. Now I am post OP, since Oct 2008, and the feeling of once again being at 1 with myself and my body is the best feeling in the world.
Well done you - and keep up the excellent work you do on this blog.
Luv to you and your partner xxx
i am a closet cder, my family knows of my other side of me. but i would like to know is if should i tell my syciatrist, for i need to let it out and see what she thinks, i have open heart surgery and since then my feminine side wants to be out more, i am unemployed waiting for ssd to decide if i am cleared to retire medicaly. i have alot of trouble with my heart and depression axity, highh blood presure, acid reflex cornery artirey disease. so this is my way of coping with my trouble and that is dressing up as a female. it takes alot of time to make you look pretty and passible, what color eye shadow, color nail polish, etc etc.
Hi Vanessa,
The urge to purge ebbs with age and ultimately we are who we are and we too deserve our place in the sun in life with tranquility and peace of mind. This can be hard as a cross dresser but the ancient Greeks' maxim of " know thyself" is supreme here.
As distinguished colleague said: Kepp the clothes in a secure location , the feelings will come back , the younger one is the harder it is to see this clearly.
We need our clothes as much as anyone else. They happen to cross gender but regardless we need them and feel incomplete without them as a wise German said : " We can only become what we are"
Having a good and decent soul has nothing to do with our clothes and everything to do with our hearts and we must applaud every trans person who strives to be themselves in a society that puts up every road block.
It is not easy. It is difficult for the non trangendered person to understand how social intolerance deprives of of our freedom.
As Teddy Roosevelt said, in life all credit should go to those who toss their hat in the ring and try.
Myself, I have been dressing since age 8 and in full since 23, now 52
Some things do get better with age and being a cross dresser is one...you feel better and better about dressing as a woman because all your life you've known it's you and what's wrong with that?
You Go Girl!
