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The Gift

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Posts: 1094
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Topic starter
(@bmactavish)
Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago
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I try to imagine the world through others’ eyes. It makes interesting fodder for thought. We see things differently than other men, women, too. We are the crossdressers and transgender MTF that the world despises. And… yet… we are the spouses, parents, friends, colleagues, and neighbors to those who sometimes tolerate and sometimes understand us. Really… nope. Only another crossdresser understands what we go through. Likewise, it is unfair of us to assume the world sees or will see as we do.

So… let’s have some fun with this post. Valentine’s Day is approaching, and I started thinking back on what it meant to me and how my perspective of certain past moments is completely different today from what I once thought. I’ll go first:

One of my first memories was back in high school, during my senior year. I had a girlfriend that I was “promised” to. On a side note: Life might have been better if I’d stayed with her… For Valentine’s Day, she told me my gift was upstairs in her room. When we got there, she took off her jeans and top to show me the white corset and stockings (gartered in place). She slipped on the low heels she had to complete the look. This was the same girl who bought me a Playboy subscription for my birthday. It was a great Valentine’s Day. I’d already had a fascination with lingerie at that time, nylons and heels, experimenting at home with them and hiding my mini stash well. My reflection back has more to do with later seeing those same items in her bathroom and me wanting to wear them, struggling against those urges.

Today, I see it for what it was, that part of me that is feminine and was crying out to be heard and not eradicated. The me then believed it was a shameful fetish and could be stopped. The girlfriend was the one who might have accepted me, but in another year I had begun to move on from her for other reasons.

My ex-wife’s birthday and Valentine’s Day were 12 days apart. I know many of you will relate. Valentine’s Day is a "Crossdresser’s Hope Day." We had the green light to shop at Victoria’s or in my case, browse the pages of Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalogs that made their way to our house (and would have been relegated to trash by the ex if not for the heroic saving by me!) Back then, I thought I was doing the newlywed, husband thing, buying my wife special lingerie that she would gratefully and willingly wear… for my benefit. Once having it tossed back in your face by never being worn and eventually disposed of was enough to learn my place. Some women appreciate the thought, mine did not, and she let me know it in many ways… another story… should have married the girlfriend…

Looking back, I see it for what it truly was… to me. That magical chance to shop without fear in the greatest place on earth. I relished that time, spending not one but multiple visits there for the sake of buying my ex something for Valentine’s Day. The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say lies in the fact that the first visit was for her and to scope out the other options. On the second visit I chickened out, and the third had me buying for the imaginary wife who was of similar size to me… Cash only… as the ex did the checkbook and monitored the credit card…

And… the items didn’t look as I anticipated on me, and I didn’t care. Lost in the feminine reflections of the mind that we all know. I know that I did, and I’m willing to bet most of you have, too; bought items for that SO that you wish you could wear and justified it by thinking it would make them happy as well. Not one thing that I bought my ex did she like. It might have been her. I came home from a business trip and loaded with Bath and Body Works items when they were first getting started. Her reply wasn’t “Thank you,” but “You were gone for three days, and this is what you brought me?” Later, she couldn’t get enough of their items, but what I gave her then was thrown in the trash.  Yeah… that hindsight is indicative of the true relationship we had and would have been best not to. A refresher… she found me in her Prom dress during our first year of marriage and I now believe that set the stage for our Shakespearean tragedy of a play.

The next year, same business trip, and this time I went all out, thinking only of her. I bought a beautiful Anne Taylor dress and matching 3-inch heels. I took her picture to show the sales clerk. At home, the ex only snarled when I gave them to her. “What made you think that I would look good in this?” After a few days of silent treatment, she at least acknowledged the “cost” of the gift. I think she consulted with a friend and found out how much I’d spent. She did try it on to show me. It was absolutely stunning on her, not her personal style, but if another woman had told her how great she looked in it, she’d have worn it until it fell apart… like some of her other, not-so-flattering outfits. It hung in the closet with an “I’ll wear it someday” until it was sold at a garage sale for $5. The shoes were never worn (by her). I did my best trying to fit those size 8 on my size 13 feet. Maybe she suspected and that’s how they disappeared without my knowing… A crossdresser never lets things like that go by.

Valentine’s Day shopping has lost a little of the luster with the availability of everything online. In my last relationship, I was with a special lady who didn’t wear makeup, didn’t have her ears pierced, and was rarely out of her jeans in a dress. A down-home farm girl. I think after some time went by I realized that I needed to step back and figure out me and quit trying to fit the mode of male normality… it wasn’t working. I know what I want in a relationship and the chances of finding it near me aren’t likely, so I set it aside. With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’ll go do some shopping for that imaginary and much younger, provocative spouse that I don’t have. I still have an old wedding ring to wear to give off the illusion. It’s been too long since I last saw Victoria and visited Bath and Body Works…

May you have a memorable Valentine’s Day. And… if you have an adoring significant other, may it be special for the both of you… wink… wink…

 

Until next time…

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34 Replies
Posts: 508
Lady
(@kerrismith)
Prominent Member     Belvidere, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Sabrina,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful article. Like you, I am now alone. I had a long marriage. I never really was good at giving presents to my wife. Instead of clothes or intimate things it was household goods or kitchen gadgets.  My best gift was probably the Meditarainean cruise for our 30th anniversary.  Things went downhill after that sadly.  I never really wore her clothes because I was too big. Other issues ruined our marriage but at least I can other peoples stories and relate. I look forward to the future but it will be mostly alone. There is still happiness out there.

Kerri

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2 Replies
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Thanks for the comments. I think the old adage is true; you must love yourself in order to best love others. As much as I look back and see all the red flags in my marriage--just how incompatible we were, I still didn't love or even like myself. I think this is true with most CDs. They initially hate that part of themselves, and it affects them and those they love (especially when they do it in secret) The longer (going on 12 years) I've been by myself, the more I've been able to like me. I will stay alone rather than try to hide myself in order to be with someone. It will take a special person... a really special person...

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4016

Posted by: @bmactavish

I still didn't love or even like myself. I think this is true with most CDs. They initially hate that part of themselves

Not me. I may have a basket full of life's regrets, but there is no way that I don't like myself.

 

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Posts: 1
Lady
(@tammy1210)
New Member     Buckley, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago
  • That is such a a sad but happy story. It's sad that you had that experience,. I am happy that you moved past it knowing you now have a great opportunity to be who you want to be and to live like you desire. At the same time, I am concerned for you as it could happen again. I am fully in the closet and often wonder what it would be like to have the choice to dress how I would like. Meanwhile, I think I would be lonesome being all alone if there were choices to be made. It's the choices many of us are forced to make and your story tells it all. All I can say is make the best of the positives and look forward, you sound like you are already on that path. We can help through any lonesomeness. Keep your course and Happy Velentines Day! We understand and are here for you! Thanks for sharing and I hope you find something extra special when shopping this year.
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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

I've been on my own now for 12 years. The only regret is the lack of intimacy with another person. I love the independence (and with the recent passing of both parents) and the freedom to express myself as I wish, whenever I want. The sad was the first marriage and losing a terrific gal... but the longer I am away from that relationship, the more I see its pitfalls, too. I have a great friend and a good support group of individuals who keep me out of the house and doing things... yes in male mode, but I'm involved. I've always leaned toward being an introvert, which doesn't help in any world, let alone that of a CD. Thanks for the comments! 🙂

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Posts: 502
Ambassador
(@melanieelizabeth)
Honorable Member     New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

Sabrina this is a beautifully written, and to be frank, brutally honest post and I love it.  I can see much of my own life in your words. I recall going shopping for my wife at v.s., years ago and I was one of many guys doing the same and I still felt self conscious as if someone knew I really would love nothing more than to buy something for myself. Old mindsets and prejudices are difficult to break and I am still challenged to this day with those feelings. 
    I want to disagree with you on one thing, I don’t think the general public despises us, and I will admit I have wrestled with self hate during my life, but I think largely we are misunderstood more than hated.  The other day I was looking at a pic of myself and something occcured to me, it wasn’t  my best but I could see happiness in my face, I could see beauty to a small extent but more importantly I saw a person who was content about their appearance. After all it’s not a sin to want to feel pretty, the majority of the 150 million plus American women want the same thing and so do most of us cds. Thanks Sabrina for putting in words what many of us have been thinking for years. 
    

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

I'll give you that the majority probably don't hate us, but those with the loudest voices sure do, and they are making it difficult for those friendly to us to stand by us. It's pointed more at being trans for the moment. My feminine side loves to smile, and it shows in the pictures. The male side has his moments. The best way for me to explain is when the camera is off and I'm sitting at the computer doing normal things, which persona is happy. I know the answer... Thanks for the comments!

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Posts: 1293
Ambassador
(@leonara)
Noble Member     Long Island,, New York, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Sabrina,  another masterpiece from you.   I love your writing style and many times it brings back memories from which I can relate… like you I visited Victoria Secret to buy my spouse the gift of a nice neglegee   (as I thought). Although, didn’t receive outright rejection but her continuing wearing her flannel “granny” nightgown in this case actions speaks louder than words to this day I have no idea what happened to  the nightgown if I knew it would part of my wardrobe lol

Thanks again for sharing your Valentine Day experience

Warmest regards,  Leonara 

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

True! Thanks for the comments! There are some women, who I think are more of the minority (not that advertisers think so) who aren't into overt femininity--the exact thing we are drawn to as CDs and men. They put up with it, and if we were the women, we'd be embracing it... not for the men, but for ourselves. I think it's why us older CDs are so attracted to the Mature secretary look or the pinup women of the 40s and 50s. Give me a nice dress and heels and sure, I'll vacuum the floor and wash the dishes in them...

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Posts: 74
Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Trusted Member
Joined: 1 year ago

Thanks for sharing this Sabrina. I can relate to many of the feelings you expressed. Being closeted I know all too well the disconnect between what I (Cassie) and my SO expect around Valentine's Day. My male alter ego and SO take a pretty low key approach as a type of protest against the rampant commercialization of the day. Cassie would love a special V-day, but I've long realized this day is not about me but about us. Hugs, Cassie

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Thanks for the comments! I can relate. I believe our male side thinks adding some interesting garments in the bedroom would help us both, and unfortunately, the other side didn't get the memo on it. I say this because of who we are (CDs) and our infatuation with intimate clothing. We love it, so should they. You are right, the day should be recognized as a celebration of love, not the materialistic need to prove that love.

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Posts: 3445
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

It is a time of year when there is that melancholy about relationships, those here with wonderful appreciative wives who married their true love, those that rue a missed opportunity, the pain of a breakup and those rarer ones like me but we all harbored a secret within.

In the hormone fuelled years there was the chase but did we not look at the girl with as much lust as to what she was wearing as much as to the girl underneath. I was much the same at times, in my friends eyes she wasn't a looker to them but to me she dressed as I would have loved to.I did buy dresses for them and was accepted as a nice  gesture.  Yes I admit trying on their things if we got together.

I did meet a couple who could have been the one but it never happened, perhaps for the right reason as in later years my internal feelings would not go away and after one girlfriend found out , dropped me and another tried with me to make it work unsuccessfully .I stayed away from relationships after that.

I realised the joy of being together, those candlelit dinners and sharing love but would any have lasted had they known then I muse. I have found my happiness although the cards do not come nor a partner to share life with, but I still buy those nice dresses...

Je Ne regrette rien........

 

 

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2 Replies
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Girl, I can so relate to you! I have found my happiness in being by myself, but I will always keep the door open if the miracle of miracles were to happen and a supportive, collaborative, and compatible woman were to enter my life. I won't be holding my breath... It would be easy to go to the other extreme and relish being with someone who accepted this side even if they weren't compatible in all the other areas. At my age, I have this checklist of attributes. The first and non-negotiable point is 1) accepting and involved with me being a (more than) CD. The other points they need to check off a majority of the boxes (golfer, bowler, camper, reader, traveler, singer or musician) Another must, the ability to laugh at oneself! Thanks for the comments.

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Hostess
(@ab123)
Joined: 5 years ago

Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Posts: 3445

@bmactavish Indeed Brina they say there is someone out there for us...My lungs can only hold so much breath before I collapse...

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Posts: 2111
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Brina -

Thank you for a lovely article. It expresses many feelings I've had throughout the years. Taking the time to find that special outfit (lingerie) that would make for a romantic evening and being jealous that I couldn't wear it. For Valentines Day we usually have a special dinner and exchange cards along with flowers and candy. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines Day and get to do something special.

XOXO
Suzanne 

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Thanks for the comments! I will say... in regard to my other relationship... that the pre-Valentine's Day intimacy was almost always better than the pressure of the actual day. It was much easier to do the candy, flowers, and dinner without the added pressure from either side. It was mentioned earlier by another, that the day should be the expression of love and not the materialistic endeavor the marketers like us to believe.

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Posts: 848
Duchess
(@missylinda)
Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Married 53 years to the love and best friend in my life. Gave up trying to buy ANY article of clothing since 1985. I still wear a pair of satin pjs, a gift from me, that she rejected back then. She owns no skirts, no dresses, and not one item of lace or satin. I will not try to influence what she wears, and I expect her to do the same. So far, so good.

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2 Replies
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Ahh, you are an inspiration. Congratulations on the long relationship! Thanks for the comments.

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Duchess
(@missylinda)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 848

Funny, if you met me, I’m anything but inspiring. I got very lucky finding her the first time around. Thanks for reading.

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Posts: 1620
Baroness Annual
(@secretpassions)
Noble Member     Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Thanks for another insightful article Brina!
I remember getting some lacy lingerie for my wife for our first Valentine’s day. At that time I had no (conscious) thoughts about dressing myself. My wife did wear it although she found it very uncomfortable. I think she might have worn it one other time, but she wasn’t really enjoying it. So I came to the realization that it was more for me than a gift to her. (Log bounces off Grogg’s head)

Now I want to get into something like that!
Back then I fell for the commercialization, bought the dozen roses, and spent money that would have been better saved on that day. We both decided shortly into our marriage to not spend a lot because of the hype.
Lara

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Thanks for the comments! Agree... the idea should be to celebrate love not by demonstrating it by how expensive the gift is. I had one of those who believed it was the other way around... To make it worse, no matter what the gift or intent was, I was destined to fall far short. As I have told many the best thing to come out of my marriage was my two girls. She is the mother... pause... whispering so no one else can hear, "Thank God, they didn't get her personality..."

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Posts: 2036
Baroness
(@ryanpaul)
Famed Member     Outer Eastern Suburbs Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Joined: 7 years ago

Hi Brina,

First time around, (28 years) I was married to Ms. Practical Pessimist.... Valentines day never got a mention and as for the pessimist, well she did survive breast cancer in the late 80's

Second time with my loving DADT SO, I think we went to a lingerie store about year one and I bought her a bra and pants set. She(rightly insisted) on trying them on first.

After that...well as we move in to our "senior years", the only times the cards and lottery tickets are exchanged are Christmas and birthdays.

As for "buying for my wife" on Valentine's Day, a/. she's a good 4 sizes smaller than me and b/. if we are talking lingerie, hey I'll either buy it on line or or go have the two personal en femme bra fittings I had in 2023.

"Above all the above", I have far too much femme gear and dont need to go shopping for any more

Happy dressing

Caty.

PS Happy dressing applies to me right now. SO has gone to see relatives in the country for the weekend and due to my creaky old back and the fact I got caught fully dressed last September, this is my first "proper" Caty time since then.

And I'm loving every minute of it.

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Have a blast! Thanks for the story 🙂

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Posts: 109
Lady
(@carla66)
Estimable Member     Barcelona , Barcelona, Spain
Joined: 1 year ago

Well, I have always waited for a special Valentine's Day. When I was young I have always given as gifts. Without anything in return. And I haven't given him clothes in a while. I never get the gift right.

Kisses from Carla 

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Posts: 109
Lady
(@carla66)
Estimable Member     Barcelona , Barcelona, Spain
Joined: 1 year ago

Since it hadn't occurred to me to buy clothes, I did want him to buy what I liked and then wear it. But she has very basic tastes, not like me in feminine. I was looking forward to trying on her new clothes. Kisses from Carla

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

Thanks for the comments, Carla! I am with you on never getting my gifts right. The male eye and female eye rarely see together 😉

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Posts: 542
Lady
(@gwyneths)
Honorable Member     Pittman Center, Tennessee, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

I have some stories much like yours. I married wife1 when I was 20. Our first Valentines I bought her 2 things. I was out to buy her something VERY revealing. She dressed conservatively due to her upbringing. I looked for over an hour. 1) she was tiny - 5'3" and 80" soaking wet (as we say in the south). 2. her build was such that most things I saw would hang off her (not sexy). I finally found something fitting and very sheer. As I was walking to the checkout, I found another very long and flannel nightgown I knew she would rather had. She did wear the first one Valentines night - well for a little while. She wore the flannel until it was in tatters a few years later. I mean February is still winter! I never bought her another flannel anything. I did buy a couple other "nighties" that would only get worn that night.

Enter wife2 some 10 years later. She knew about the big problems I had with #1. Mainly lack of any kind of intimacy. I would purchase things for her the same way. Only these were much larger - a problem she has with herself far more than I've ever had. Granted (at least in the first few years) would be worn on other occasions. Ultimately she turned off the sexspigot much like wife1 did. Like wife1 went out of her way to make me feel "dirty". "THAT'S ALL Y'ALL EVER THINK ABOUT!"

Where does this play into my CD adventure? Unlike most, I didn't have any CD tendencies as a youth. I didn't have a sister. Mom worked in a factory, so wearing her clothes wouldn't have been much different than mine. My CD story starts in my late 40s. Kinda. Now it seems soooo late.

Am I blaming the wives? Yes. I can talk about other girlfriends that were just about as abusive. And they call this "A Man's World"~

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

I could relate to much of what you shared. Thank you for commenting! I look back on my life and the tendencies were sometimes blurred by what I thought "normal" guy things were. Looking at seductive women in their bras and panties in the Sears catalog. I see it differently in hindsight than I did then.

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Posts: 74
Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Trusted Member
Joined: 1 year ago

So many excellent observations here…my favorite “if another woman had told her how great she looked in it, she’d have worn it until it fell apart”….for some reason women seem to value those (frequently false) compliments from others more than any from their husbands…

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1 Reply
Managing Editor
(@bmactavish)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1094

I would tend to agree... and... if a wife signifies that she likes something on her husband, he will most likely wear it often even if he doesn't care for it. Thanks for the comments!

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