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I am 4. In my small box room bed. Busy traffic still rushing by on the Coventry Road. Darkness. Just before the comfort of sleep. If I cross my legs and keep them crossed all night, I will wake up a mermaid.
I think this was the innocent beginning. No possible awareness of society protocols, just desire for sensation; soft, silky sensation.
This early memory helps me process that there was, and is, nothing ‘wrong’ with crossing the divide as to what I may or may not acceptably wear to conform, and certainly not in the privacy of my 4-year-old’s bed, under the covers, snug and warm. A four-year-old may be prone to tantrums but has no concept of transvestism and therefore certainly not that it might be frowned upon, ridiculed or laughing stock territory. No, at four, just wannabe silky innocence.
I guess it began thus, with no awareness of how this silky desire might play out. No concept of secrets or innocence or perceived guilt; it was just me. And so it has continued, nudged here and there, but always undeniable and self fuelling.
The first experience of ‘guilt’ came at seven years old. Behind the sofa, I asked if I could try on Allesandra’s green school tights. She let me. But half way through pulling them up, she decided it would be fun to announce these almost stolen steps to her mum and I had the first experience of the application of ridicule and shame.
Suppression kicked in and I didn’t venture again until, probably, age 10 when I became intrigued by what was so special and ‘secret’ about the Tampax boxes on sale in my mum’s drapers shop. I lie, I now recall my dear grandmother offering me a pair of her black big gurl panties to go to school in, aged 8 I think. Bemused, I let the world take me wherever it wanted, but again, largely in secret. At 12, I was tempted to snaffle a pair of my mum’s tights from the laundry basket, for under-the-cover bedwear. My sub 20-denier initiation. Silky. So pleasurable. The sensation of something on my legs, mermaid like, was becoming an undeniable feature of my life, my secret life. Afraid of the ridicule, but not too fearful to suppress it, just keeping it under wraps. That’s what society seemed to be comfortable with so I made my deal with it.
The frequency and the collection of tights increased throughout my teens. I met my now wife at 16; we are still together, over 50 years later. I did not share. Of course, during that awakening time of adolescence and puberty, it was difficult to say what was physical sensation or sexual fantasy. It was a time of hormonal explosion in many respects, with a lifelong journey ahead of me to try and work out what was going on in my head, and whether it was wrong, doing what I did, in secret, in silk. It was only turning 60 that I really started to process, understand, dig deeper. Society was changing too, becoming far more accepting and accommodating, for all avenues of people—at least in some countries. This has most definitely helped ‘normalise’ things. It is not ‘wrong’ of course, it is just a pendulum, ‘change management’. Some people understand and accept, some have yet to change, some may never.
The tide of my experience and journey was heralded further forward in my late twenties when I was bludgeoned into playing Alan-a-Dale in a Robin Hood pantomime, for I play guitar, so I could not refuse. The wardrobe ladies purchased me my own pair of forest green tights and for the first time, it was ok to don them and wear them in public. Not just in public but on stage. For fun and laughs, but not ridicule. Shared fun. Fuelled by the freedom, helped by a singing voice, I was eventually elevated to dame in the village pantomime with an army of women assigned to help me find a bosom holster big enough, a girdle, blue (not green) tights, wig, bustle; everything I might secretly have desired. And a falsetto voice which probably did not in any way ‘pass’ but it filled the comic shoes of village panto. My journey could only be down from here, and anyway, I preferred the quiet of my own secret company.
Over the next decades, my wardrobe became more exciting and (for me) adventurous. My first corselette was an explosion. Stockings and breast forms. It seemed there was no going back. The journey was undeniable, but so pleasurable. Working away from home made this somewhat easy to explore. I had been most definitely gripped. I decided to wear my new M&S corselette to bed, without permission, for my wife was not yet aware of my journey. It took her by surprise of course, and I’m sure on reflection, it was not well considered. I think it fair to say there is now a blind tolerance. I occasionally slip up and evidence is either ignored or challenged slightly, but she seems to move on. My children became aware, sort of by accident, sort of by rifling through my work bag, they found my Special Trade puppies. I was outed. But, to my utter surprise, sort of accepted. It is ok, apparently. I don’t flaunt my dressing in any way. But I don’t put locks on my wardrobe either. The journey continues.
Of late, I have, especially in winter, found black ribbed polo tops/dresses, which are almost unisex, and a bra underneath is almost invisible, especially with my somewhat cumbersome black hoodie. Small forms are usually at hand and I seem able to wear these unnoticed at times in the house, and certainly outdoors. In the solitude of the car, the forms vary in size depending on desired proportionality. I remember a helpful lady on EP some years ago, from north east US, who coached me with advice, “always proportional, dear”. I occasionally transgress and my F-cup looks pleasurably buxom, at least to my eyes.
So you see, I am on my journey. Truly comfortable in my own skin. Society is I think catching up. There is a clothing pendulum, as perhaps the Regency period reminds us. I have no calling for makeup or wigs particularly, perhaps not needed in my secret world, but if I were to go on a like-minds convention weekend, I would most likely place my otherwise manly visage in the hands of some experts. Just to see. I might even shave off my small beard.
Take care, and enjoy, in freedom.
V
I will plunge in to break the ice, so to speak, and just register some sincere appreciation for those who have made the time to help me understand my journey, its potential pitfalls and its more pleasurable times ahead, possibly. And special thanks to BB for his patience and eventual acceptance that a sentence may, in modern times at least, begin with And or But. 😉
I am only a couple of weeks into this wonderful bit of heaven on earth, but already I feel I know so many, occasionally in deepening depth. I have been offered so much advice, publicly and privately, thank you all sincerely. It really is helping me get some possible freedom while respecting the inner feelings and boundaries of my wife of 44 married years (and 8 before that, ‘practising’!). And I apologise if have taken over the boards with too much passion for asking sometimes frivolous Qs, all in the name of fun and drilling down under the skin of our undeniable journeys. But, in just two weeks, I have achieved a proud gold star, with more to come, I strongly suspect.
i hope you enjoy my first article. I may be enthused to write another, already entitled “I have a dream, a song to sing”. But more on that later.
Take care please y’all, my now CD friends of all degrees on the spectrum of silky comfort and sheer unfettered pleasure.
Valentina.
💚
The innocence of youth and the confused desires that take a lifetime to work out.
Then comes the epiphany when you put it all together and know this is your destiny and move forward with gusto to make up for the years of deprivation.
You have served conformity and others through your life now it's your time to be the real you.
VV - I for one, love your questions. It gives us a sense of you and others who reply, that’s beyond just the same old routine crossdressing war stories. We have made a lot of progress in society since the olden days when many of us first began dabbling in the dresses. Society really just doesn’t give a big hoot about us flaunting our female finery. So long as we don’t bother people who aren’t interested in participating in the adventure.
Hey, congrats on the gold star. When I first landed here, I was like you…how do I get me one-a-them-thar gold stars? (Yes, I’m a competitive girl🤷♀️)
And…🤪…don’t worry about the “ands” and “buts”. Keep writing in real life, we gotcha🥰
What a wonderful article and your first is truly amazing thank you for sharing this lovely moment it’s always funny how use kids we think and then we hide and disregard these feels just to years later we are drawn back to this life style can’t answer why or what makes use this way but must say myself started young and then grew out and years later became my life seems most of use hear have similarities in theses years that brought use out but thankfully we have this community we can turn to and continue to enjoy are lifestyle as a CD thank you again for sharing this lovely article TC
Great story Valentina. It’s always interesting to read everyone’s story and the journey they took to get where they are and where they might go!
Hugs,
Rachael
Beautifully written and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this , your wording is perfect in every way & also just makes me think wow if only we could all keep that innocence at 4 years old . Why not be a mermaid ! 🧜 the innocence of the young should be preserved for as long as humanly possible . As a parent to two boys myself , now young adults this did make me think 🤔 because so far they do not know anything of hubbys dressing and it's likely to stay that way however I feel having read this I need to speak up more about how it's ok for them to be anything they want to be , I think I've done a pretty good job and this but even so one question comes to me ... am I protecting them by them not knowing about hubby and how I support this or am I hiding the world from them.
Bear with me .... if one of my children were closeted CD if they knew it was fine and acceptable then they wouldn't need to go through potentially so many more years of pain and hiding things .... on the other hand if they were told them didn't accept and it caused them more pain then not good .... such a conflicting world no wonder we are all never sure where to go.
Either way thank you for such a thought provoking article I really hope you get to be a mermaid 🧜 in anyway you want forever 🥰
Love the mermaid article, it definitely reminds me a lot, like my upbringing. A lot of your article felt like you were taking it from my life also thank you. I still live a life that I’m not allowed to take it out of the closet and now I’m in my 60s but I do get more daring at times and just like you sometimes I personally. well leave one of my undergarment items sticking out from underneath my clothes as they’re setting on my dresser or bathroom bench inside the bathroom just slightly just so that my wife can see them . I just want my wife to know ,I am who I am, and it’s just not a fantasy to me ,then I’ll notice that it’s back covered up, she also never knew of my girly side after 30 years of marriage it only came out a few years ago anyway great article. Thanks for sharing.❤️🌹
Loved your article. I see a lot of similarities to my own story as I'm sure many others can as well.
Wonderful article VV!
As an asker of occasional frivolous questions, I can say that sometimes those questions are my best therapy. Whether I am asking them or someone else is. I appreciate them all.
Hugs,
Autumn