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Good evening dear readers,
I must admit that I've missed you - I've missed your love and support, I've missed sharing my stories with you, I've missed pouring my emotions and thoughts and ideas out onto the canvas that is the Internet.
My words scream from within me - I'm a transgender woman who has experience sorrow and joy, hope and despair, longing and fulfillment. Yet, even at this stage, I still know that my journey has not even begun. Even as I plan my surgeries, even as I've been full time for 6 months, I still know that life has so much more to offer me - so much more lurks ahead.
Yet the future is misty.
I think, sometimes that the future stretches before us, beckoning us to discover what it holds. It's the first time you share your cross dressing secret with another. It's the first time you go out in public as a woman. It's the first time you admit that it is more than a passing fancy. And in that moment you embrace the misty future.
Tonight I feel pensive. My heart is filled with happiness, yet my eyes cry tears of lonely sorrow. It's how I've been feeling lately. I must admit that it's been a roller coaster of emotions for me - even when I'm with others I feel as though I'm alone. When I'm with my transgender friends I'm embraced by our shared challenge, yet long to live the normal life of a woman in the world. When I'm with my other friends I feel that they only understand me in part. They accept me, and my girlfriends nourish that part of me that is yet beginning to flower. Yet I can feel the distance from my true self. I can feel the small, silent gap between us.
Dear readers, I apologize today for my rambling, and I apologize for the format of this post (to this I blame my new iPad and it's shiny yet rudimentary goodness). But have you felt this way?
When you're alone, do you feel the unknown stretching before you, and wonder if you'll be okay? I'm haunted by the future of being alone, of wandering single within this world, and just the other day I had an experience which gave me hope.
I was standing in the lunch line at work, minding my business, looking forward to the yummy deliciousness the chefs had prepared for me, when someone approached me. I didn't recognize him, yet he began talking to me - telling me stories, asking me about myself. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to chat me up. Now, I'd had approaches from men while out clubbing, and been 'graced' with their glances before, but never in the stark daylight had I been approached by a real person.
In my shock I stumbled, and mumbled, and probably gave him the impression that I was a stuck up girl. But inside my heart was doing backflips. Now, he wasn't the Old Spice Guy, but he was talking to me, interested in me. And since then I've thought to myself, "It'll be all right".
Love is never certain, companionship is a blessing that may not last, but I think, I hope, I pray, I know, that I'll be alright. It may take a while, but I'll find that special someone. I guess it took a colleague at work I'd never met to open my eyes.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
P.S. It's been a few years now since my surgery, and I recently shared a view after transgender surgery.
I have often felt alone in a crowded room. It is the little messages in life like your "man at work" that make me feel I am part of this world. There is a future as sure as the sun rises and everyday contains a small miracle that is ours to discover.
Go, go go.. woman!
I came across with your blog because I'm doing a post about transgenders.
Congrats"
well I have told a FACE BOOK friend that I cross dress as a woman and now she is ok with that and she is helping me with getting some clothes to wear and she has also started to call me her big sister and has even invited me to her wedding as one of her brides maids
Hello Vanessa?
What a Great posting and thank you for sharing. I look forward to future postings. A fan called Rhonda
Hi Vanessa, what a wonderful expression of emotion, i can sense your eagerness to figure this crazy game of tryin to find someone, we all do it. Its natural, but i think for people like ourselves, who have a lot of emotions, not to mention being feminine that we still have that desire to meet someone and live happy like fairy tales, but i feel from your writing that you r extremely strong. Hell, to goes as far you have in ur transition, you have accomplished so much! Its tricky to figure out if we should try to meet someone or let it happen, as they say, but u r never alone, so keep doin what makes u happy and if u feel sad or lonely sometimes, its ok, go with it, listen to some music, or if u have a pet, smother them with kisses! Luv, Samantha Jane
Hi Vanessa. This is your old friend Darlene from Olympia. You are one the kindest and prettiest people I have ever met. Don't hesitate to contact me anytime my dear sister. I will write to you on Facebook. Enjoy your journey which is like that of all of us, since we are all alone at the end of the day and just need our humanity recognized.
Love and hugs.
Darlene
Hey hon, good to hear your still exploring your gender identity, and good to hear from you again. *hugs*!
Join up on Crossdresser Heaven and message me! I don't check my facebook messages as often 🙂
When i was alone for years and sametime it is hard to making friends but it always hope . i try to get women's hormones tables at the hospital doctors they don't not give me . i am not give up hope because want to change my life around .
Wow ! Such heart felt emotion Vanessa . I really empathize with you and all the other transgendered women out there who go through such a struggle on a day to day basis . I try really hard to relate but I find it difficult as I can only do this on certain levels . Being a crossdresser who embraces her inner women I can't imagine what it's like to know you're trapped in the wrong body because I've never felt that way . I admire you facing your fears and expressing your true self to others and letting the chips fall where they may . That takes a supreme amount of courage in my book and I really don't know if I could do the same if I was in your shoes ( or heels ) 🙂 .
What I am sure of though as long as you let your true self shine through by being open and honest and treating others as you would like to be treated, love will find it's way to you . I really believe that . Stay strong and positive . Lots of love . Jodi xx.
Vanessa's ramblings are in essence, familiar to most of us...the feellng of being alone in a roomful of people....because we feel that most will reject us for who we really are deep inside. Oh yeah, the future is uncertain for ALL of us...but as I was once taught, one tries, picks oneself up off the floor and tries again...until one at long last tends to either succeed or accept oneself for the situation in which one is finding ourselves. And if one never makes the attempt, one will never ever find a solution and will remain in that everlasting quandary.
I've been married twice...both deceased (and I didn't kill either one - HONEST!) but the second wife was the one who accepted me for who I am deep inside. Now that I'm a sexy senior citizen (grins - I really can't tell the difference between an old curmudgeon or a dirty old man) I have slowly accepted the reality of not having anyone because of my advanced age (but still seeking!) . Oh I do have a few special friends I write to online, but for the most part, even my own kids do not suspect how I feel about my interest in crossdressing.
I was taught to dress with and for 3 of my 16 aunts (I have written this so many times) and I know that it reads like a fantasy...but they taught me the joys of their world. And that has remained as I have aged. Yet there is a heartfelt area within my deepest soul where I long to be permanently as the opposite gender. I still search for that acceptance of my special friends, but in the real world I am male and act as a male because that is how a male was socialized...at least there I'm accepted.
Oh I still dress up...less often that I wish...thought my mind is willing, the body protests because I'm stiff in all those wrong places...joints not responding. I want what you all want, need what you all need, but I have accepted the inevitable...not with a whimper but rather an angry snort...and a growl. But, I will keep searching for that inner woman we all feel we are...
Oh ju god. I totally get what you are saying. My response and this is a response to myself not a criticism of you in anyway is that I am going to be female no matter how my body is or no matter what I wear. Right now I am 59. My body is strong. I sometimes spend a lot of time hiding my maleness and dressing up female because I like it. It makes me feel positive and confident. I'm not accepted by a lot of people. I don't consider myself a cross dresser. I don't have a female side. I am female and male but mostly female. I don't relate to my maleness. I don't like my male body parts. I want to live the next few years being honest about how J feel. And I feel like a very delicate, little bit fragile female. I have always felt like this . I'm powerful but soft and delicate at the same time. I am a faerie. I'm learning to validate myself. When I die alone sooner than later my Farie body will be released and I will join my sisters in spirit. Released into shakti.
Hi Vanessa! It's Heather! I just wanted to let you know that I very much enjoy your posts and news bits! I find them reassuring and interesting! I do have one thing I would like to share with you. Actually, it's kind of a delema. I am a 44 year old cd who met an older gentleman on line a few weeks ago. He lives alone in Colorado and we have been chatting on and off to get to know each other. He was asking the usual questions such as how long have I been doing this,what do I like to wear,etc. He also asked me if I would date an older man(he's 64),if down the road I could see myself married to an older man. Of course I said yes,but here's the thing, he has thrown out the idea to me of moving me up there(if we connect) and putting me on hormones,getting me breast implants and vaginoplasty! I would actually be Heather,which is what I wanted for a long time. The problems are that I have read on a lot of this and am concerned about the risks and I also don't know what to do about my family. Nobody even knows that I dress. It would be so hard to upset everyone who expects me to be Jay! I do have one Aunt in New Hampshire that might understand,but I'm not sure. I so want to be the girl I am inside. Any advice you could give me would be very much appreciated! Thanks dear,Heather.
Thank you Vanessa your writing mean so much .
Hi ..l really need help to CD myself ..can't do it myowen
Thank you for sharing your story . I relate to so much of what you said especially the loneliness and theists future; The feeling of wanting to cry when I feel alone even with other people.
I have one question. One thing that ai do not understand and that is the ending of your story about having that man talking to you. I'm not questioning your experience I am trying to deal with my own. I feel like a woman I was born in a male body, but I don't like men. What I mean is physically I do not like men. I don't even like male sexuality in myself. Maybe I had some bad experiences when I was a child, whatever, but O just cannot stand male sexuality. I cannot stand men talking to me in a certain way. I cannot stand the smell of men. So what am I supppsed to do? I'm an asexual being. Haven't had any kind of sexual activity in 13 years. I am a woman. I am not comfortable with the male body that I have. I just want to be myself.
Hi Vanessa,. The battle you mention is real. Though my life feels like it is going so well that question of the slight difference tries to plaque us. I was shocked but so excited the other day when an employee mentioned my transition was good on me and that I look very nice. But then my wife was telling me her battle of feelings missing how I use to look as if she wanted me to go back. This made me feel as she wanted me back in bonds.
I wonder if the battles we face will ever go away.
Thank you so much for your post
Jessica
hi vanessa, i dont know if this is an old post but..... hmmm lonliness, yes, well not strictly. I certainly was before. now ive joined CDH most of that has changed. true, I yearn, god knows I yearn, I yearn for like wise cd friendship in a real situation, actually meeting someone, just once in my life would be cool! twice would be amazing, three times would be a dream 🙂 but I have obstacles lying ahead of me, my mind, trust, courage to name but a few. I have a long way to go in my journey, for me its only just beginning even though I have been dressing over 30 yrs!
vanessa, after pondering this question for quite a while, ive realised life really is what you make of it, you open new doors, the entrance can be good or bad, do nothing and you will never know, nothing will be achieved, go through and who knows? you have a 50/50 chance of something good happening! before all this happens though, you need the oppurtunities of course! thats where you come in, you are your own pilot of your destiny hoping you reach a friendly warm tropical island called opportunity.
cd'ing certainly has its ups and downs, like our moods!
vanessa, never ever feel alone, you have lots of friends here to help you through moments of sadness, despair or uncertainness. as ever my door is always open for you, whatever it is worth, you are far more experienced than me but as always here, I am more than happy to help. 🙂
fiona xxx
