Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
I have never told my wife I am a crossdresser, but this is the story of how I gradually came out to her. It’s a bit of a tale, with some ups and downs, and there is a bittersweet background to it. I have hesitated to post this but decided to do so before I start forgetting it myself, so if you are interested here goes …
You might have seen in my profile that I periodically crossdressed in secret over the years, but never told my wife. In recent years there were a few GLARING FLUORESCENT PINK FLAGS raised that she never seemed to notice—like using shiny nail hardener, buying myself a feminine shoulder bag, ditching socks in favour of knee-highs, and buying feminine slides for footwear around the house. I presented her with good “logical” reasons for all of those, so they just became accepted as normal.
In 2021, I mentioned that my underpants were wearing out and my favoured brand was no longer available, however, the nearest equivalent was panties so I might purchase those instead. Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. Nevertheless, later in the year, I went ahead and started wearing them under trousers by day, but still wore underpants to bed. At some stage in 2021, I also started underdressing with suspender belt and stockings. Lots of surreptitious laundry activity during that period.
By mid-2022, I “arranged” for my wife to catch sight of me, initially in panties and later in stockings and suspenders. No reaction and it just became accepted as normal. So far, so good. So early 2023, spurred on by the thread of contributions to a CDH Forum topic, I thought “Let’s try keeping the panties on when I go to bed”. The result was: No reaction at all and it just became accepted as normal.
Back in 2022, my wife asked me to look on the internet for a skirt she was interested in; we found the skirt but after a good look her reaction to it was “no.” I casually said, “Well, if you are not interested maybe I could get it for me.” Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. But near the beginning of 2023, the event came that caused an explosion of activity. My wife and I were in her favourite clothes shop, and while she was trying on a dress, I was outside the changing room area chatting with three of the sales staff. I commented, “Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you this, but last night I dreamt about trying on clothes here myself.” Now, that was actually quite true, but talk about light-the-blue touch paper…
One of the lovely sales staff was particularly keen with her encouragement (and I really mean keen,) so a couple of weeks later, I arranged to try on a skirt and top as my wife was also trying items on. I did tell my wife in advance, but I don’t think it sank in. When I was dressed, the sales assistant called my wife over to look. Reaction: shock, confusion, walked out of the shop (but came back after 2 or 3 minutes), period of stony silence. After we left the shop, we went through the not gay, not trans assurances and things settled down.
So, a couple of weeks later I ventured to buy a lady's trousers and a blouse from the shop. My wife thought they looked good on me, and it just became accepted as normal. I wore the trousers and blouse around town with no trouble; during the spring, I extended it to a skirt and a couple of other tops, which I occasionally wore at home for short periods. Wearing the skirt at home initially upset my wife, so I changed out of it and tried again another day when the mood was good. In time her concerns diminished, and it became accepted as normal.
June was a lovely month in the UK, and one afternoon in mid-month, when we were about to go to a nearby town for a walk, I suggested that I should keep the skirt on. Reaction: why not? And from then on such outings became accepted as normal. And, step by step, over the summer and autumn, I added a jacket to match the trousers, a couple of dresses, more tops and skirts, and various styles of footwear. I was often fully dressed when going out shopping with my wife. When out and about, we interacted with all the people we used to meet in and around shops, and everyone was fully accepting of my crossdressing.
I hadn’t been particularly trying to pass as female. Make-up was limited to lipstick and a minimal (virtually invisible) application of concealer to smooth out the beard area. I didn’t try to feminise my voice, but my hair is quite long and maybe that helped to convey a feminine persona. In a nutshell, as far as my wife and the world are concerned, my crossdressing has just become accepted as normal. Whenever we go into shops where we are not known, my wife and I are often addressed as “ladies.” I even voted in local elections last week, fully dressed but showed my passport to the ladies managing the polling station (photo ID is required to vote in the UK now.) Their reaction was… nothing.
Does my crossdressing offend other customers to the detriment of the shop or cafe’s business? I asked a few of the managers of some of the places we frequent. I never received a negative response; some of the varied replies were: “If any of my customers ever give you any trouble just let me know and I will tell them to leave!” “But you’ve got a cracking pair of legs, it would be criminal to hide them.” “Of course not, but is it OK if I ask you about pronouns… how would you like to be addressed?”
Neither my wife nor any of the people we know are aware of my female name, Rebecca. To everyone, I am still Mr. [surname], or [first name]. Since I have no intention to transition, the answer to the pronouns was to just call me the same as before. I might be dressed differently, but apart from that everything is just normal. There are still limits to the extent to which I am out. In particular, no one else within the family currently knows. In time this may change to some extent.
How do I feel? Well: SURPRISED… because it has evolved in a far better way than I could have imagined. RELIEVED… that the relationship with my wife is, in the end, unaffected. EXHILARATED… that I can fairly freely choose what I wear day-to-day, be it in male or female clothing; however, I must admit that I often find myself planning to go out tomorrow as male but in the morning feel I would far rather dress female. On top of that, my wife often assists with or compliments me on the choice of clothes. PEACEFUL… because there is now no tension about crossdressing within my life. It all seems just so normal.
Yet, to some extent, there is also SADNESS and a certain amount of APPREHENSION because I believe part of the reason for my wife’s ready acceptance is that she is in the early stages of dementia. This causes occasional moments of confusion when she queries what is going on, where we live, or even who I am. Partly because of this I have kept carefully to just crossdressing and have not ventured into any significant makeup, jewelry, etc., as I don’t want to create the impression I am really trying to be a woman. I need to keep the focus purely on exploring and enjoying the wider variety of clothing.
Well, if you have managed to read this far you will have some idea of what a year of change this has been for me.
Thanks for reading.
PS: I still haven’t actually told my wife I am a crossdresser.
What a lovely, happy, but ultimately sad story, rather moving. I very much enjoyed reading that, thank you for sharing 🙂
You look absolutely wonderful in the photo too, and to my eyes very natural. If I look half that good in my years to come, I'll be happy.
I'm also most pleased to hear of your experiences with other people while out en femme in this country, that's very encouraging. Have you found that it makes any difference being out in company with your wife vs. alone? Do you think people might be inclined to be less judgmental because you present as an obviously older lady?
Fiona xxx
Thank you for sharing your story, Rebecca. It sounds almost like a form of exposure therapy! Your steady and thoughtful advances and strategic retreats have all but obviated the need to "tell" your wife which I find remarkable. My happiness for you is tempered only by the disclosure about your wife's condition. My heart goes out to you both.
You look amazing!
Congratulations! A thoughtful, patient, persistent approach has accomplished your goals!
I came out to my children years ago, the first being my youngest daughter, who I figured would be accepting, as she is a hippie out of time and breaks all kinds of boundaries. She immediately invited me to get dressed up and made up with the help of her friends, and I spent a full week with her en femme. So I was rather surprised when she recently became very disturbed and offended by my "pretending to be a woman". She is in favor of my wearing dresses that fit a man, but opposed to bras or anything not made for men. She opposes using female pronouns, which is fine by me, but she insists she treat all biological males as men, refusing to affirm anyone who is someone not boen female. Perhaps your wife is in That camp... accepTing to a point, buT insisting you remain a MAN and not preTend to be someone you are not and who she cannoT accepT, if she married a man, raTher Than a woman. From that perspecTive, she is amazingly tolerant. So by respecTing each oTher in The mosT imporTanT ways to each you have found whaT mosT married couples find... Tolerance wiThin boundaries.
I have discovered ThaT The most offensive Things To my SO are wig and lipstick. She doesn'T like The bra, buT knows I am not apt to give in on That, as that garmenT is essenTial to me. You have kept your boundaries well wiTHin whaT most CDs would wanT and she no doubT loves you more for The honor and respecT you give her. No doubT she has researched This wiTh others and knows she is blessed. Kudos!
Thank you, Rebecca, for your article, The New Normal.
I immediately thought of a girl who I met at support meetings.
From what she says, her spouse is not aware of her crossdressing. Yet, she (the CD) keeps her toenails permanently painted the same bright red-orange color I use. Her spouse has also discovered a few female items around the home.
Is this a case of adaptive training? The new normal?
I have no idea. Nevertheless, I thought of this girl, when I read your article.
A bittersweet tale and sad to hear your wife is suffering dementia which will be a challenge to you in the future.
As for the crossdressing well you are finding out what a lot of us have found while coming out - life remains normal. It gave me resolve to establish myself as the person I have always been and to be comfortable wherever I go. I think you look very nice and no wonder you have also found it easy to be accepted. Thank you so much for sharing.
Maybe you don’t need to tell her anything because you ARE just….normal.
Wow!! Such a beautiful but also sad story, nothing feels better than being true to yourself, good thoughts and wishes from Canada thanks for the inspiration. Janet
Great article, and a novel way to approach the situation. My story is similar to yours, although not quite as bold.
Hello Rebecca, you look stunning. I am happy for the acceptance. My ex did not accept me, its not the reason we are no longer together however it certainly didn't help. Never be afraid of change
I enjoyed reading your story Rebecca. Like you my wife or family do not know that I'm a crossdresser. Maybe someday I'll have the nerve to slowly indroduce Daphanie to my wife. I envy your courage.
Daphanie Allison
Rebecca that was a fantastic read and it also resonated a lot with me as my story - in the early days of my coming out to my wife was very similar. I started the visual change wearing sarongs around the house and garden but in early 2011 I told my wife I was a crossdresser. I was so nervous at the time but she was fantastic. She called me 'Her sweet transvestite' (From Rocky horror- one of her favourite movies). From then on she realised having a husband who ENJOYED going shopping with her for clothes and offering unbiased opinions on her choices was fun and helped her choose clothes that looked good on her.
From there it has expanded to all my family friends and neighbours knowing so now it too is a normal part of our life (Except work - thats a no go area). Wearing dresses and skirts etc around the house and garden, and to friends houses is normal and going shopping together as two girls is also fun.
Thanks for a great insight into how you resolved your crossdressing issues with your wife.
On a final note - its terrible to hear your wife is suffereing from early on set dementia - that is an awful disease so I wish you and her all the best for the future and make the most of all the time you have together. Ellie xxxx
Thanks for your kind comments Ellie. It is lovely to hear that you have had a similar journey to me that has worked out very well for you and your wife.
Thank you for sharing your story Rebecca. It was wonderful. It was sad. It was real.
I told my wife many years ago and she wasn't thrilled. The usual concerns about gay or wanting to transition.
We have a normal now. She finds my panties mixed in the laundry, she returns them to me, no questions asked. She sees heels lying in plajn site, no mention.
I do sometimes fear this is the calm before the storm, before she asks for a divorce. But we two are getting older, wiser, and the years remaining of life seem less than when we were younger. Maybe we're just getting used to normal with a maturity where most things don't really matter. Only time will tell.
Thanks Lea, I hope everything continues to go well for you.
I too have concerns for the future especially as dementia plays havoc with memories and can result in rapid changes of emotions. But we take one day at a time and so far the 'difficult' moments have not been focussed on cross dressing.
Rebecca xxx