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The New Normal

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Posts: 514
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@fembecky)
Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago
wpf-cross-image

I have never told my wife I am a crossdresser, but this is the story of how I gradually came out to her. It’s a bit of a tale, with some ups and downs, and there is a bittersweet background to it. I have hesitated to post this but decided to do so before I start forgetting it myself, so if you are interested here goes …

 

You might have seen in my profile that I periodically crossdressed in secret over the years, but never told my wife. In recent years there were a few GLARING FLUORESCENT PINK FLAGS raised that she never seemed to notice—like using shiny nail hardener, buying myself a feminine shoulder bag, ditching socks in favour of knee-highs, and buying feminine slides for footwear around the house. I presented her with good “logical” reasons for all of those, so they just became accepted as normal.

 

In 2021, I mentioned that my underpants were wearing out and my favoured brand was no longer available, however, the nearest equivalent was panties so I might purchase those instead. Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. Nevertheless, later in the year, I went ahead and started wearing them under trousers by day, but still wore underpants to bed. At some stage in 2021, I also started underdressing with suspender belt and stockings. Lots of surreptitious laundry activity during that period.

 

By mid-2022, I “arranged” for my wife to catch sight of me, initially in panties and later in stockings and suspenders. No reaction and it just became accepted as normal. So far, so good. So early 2023, spurred on by the thread of contributions to a CDH Forum topic, I thought “Let’s try keeping the panties on when I go to bed”. The result was: No reaction at all and it just became accepted as normal.

 

Back in 2022, my wife asked me to look on the internet for a skirt she was interested in; we found the skirt but after a good look her reaction to it was “no.” I casually said, “Well, if you are not interested maybe I could get it for me.” Response: I’ll divorce you if you do that. But near the beginning of 2023, the event came that caused an explosion of activity. My wife and I were in her favourite clothes shop, and while she was trying on a dress, I was outside the changing room area chatting with three of the sales staff. I commented, “Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you this, but last night I dreamt about trying on clothes here myself.” Now, that was actually quite true, but talk about light-the-blue touch paper…

 

One of the lovely sales staff was particularly keen with her encouragement (and I really mean keen,) so a couple of weeks later, I arranged to try on a skirt and top as my wife was also trying items on. I did tell my wife in advance, but I don’t think it sank in. When I was dressed, the sales assistant called my wife over to look. Reaction: shock, confusion, walked out of the shop (but came back after 2 or 3 minutes), period of stony silence. After we left the shop, we went through the not gay, not trans assurances and things settled down.

 

So, a couple of weeks later I ventured to buy a lady's trousers and a blouse from the shop. My wife thought they looked good on me, and it just became accepted as normal. I wore the trousers and blouse around town with no trouble; during the spring, I extended it to a skirt and a couple of other tops, which I occasionally wore at home for short periods. Wearing the skirt at home initially upset my wife, so I changed out of it and tried again another day when the mood was good. In time her concerns diminished, and it became accepted as normal.

 

June was a lovely month in the UK, and one afternoon in mid-month, when we were about to go to a nearby town for a walk, I suggested that I should keep the skirt on. Reaction: why not? And from then on such outings became accepted as normal. And, step by step, over the summer and autumn, I added a jacket to match the trousers, a couple of dresses, more tops and skirts, and various styles of footwear. I was often fully dressed when going out shopping with my wife. When out and about, we interacted with all the people we used to meet in and around shops, and everyone was fully accepting of my crossdressing.

 

I hadn’t been particularly trying to pass as female. Make-up was limited to lipstick and a minimal (virtually invisible) application of concealer to smooth out the beard area. I didn’t try to feminise my voice, but my hair is quite long and maybe that helped to convey a feminine persona. In a nutshell, as far as my wife and the world are concerned, my crossdressing has just become accepted as normal. Whenever we go into shops where we are not known, my wife and I are often addressed as “ladies.” I even voted in local elections last week, fully dressed but showed my passport to the ladies managing the polling station (photo ID is required to vote in the UK now.) Their reaction was… nothing.

 

Does my crossdressing offend other customers to the detriment of the shop or cafe’s business? I asked a few of the managers of some of the places we frequent. I never received a negative response; some of the varied replies were: “If any of my customers ever give you any trouble just let me know and I will tell them to leave!” “But you’ve got a cracking pair of legs, it would be criminal to hide them.” “Of course not, but is it OK if I ask you about pronouns… how would you like to be addressed?”

 

Neither my wife nor any of the people we know are aware of my female name, Rebecca. To everyone, I am still Mr. [surname], or [first name]. Since I have no intention to transition, the answer to the pronouns was to just call me the same as before. I might be dressed differently, but apart from that everything is just normal. There are still limits to the extent to which I am out. In particular, no one else within the family currently knows. In time this may change to some extent.

 

How do I feel? Well: SURPRISED… because it has evolved in a far better way than I could have imagined. RELIEVED… that the relationship with my wife is, in the end, unaffected. EXHILARATED… that I can fairly freely choose what I wear day-to-day, be it in male or female clothing; however, I must admit that I often find myself planning to go out tomorrow as male but in the morning feel I would far rather dress female. On top of that, my wife often assists with or compliments me on the choice of clothes. PEACEFUL… because there is now no tension about crossdressing within my life. It all seems just so normal.

 

Yet, to some extent, there is also SADNESS and a certain amount of APPREHENSION because I believe part of the reason for my wife’s ready acceptance is that she is in the early stages of dementia. This causes occasional moments of confusion when she queries what is going on, where we live, or even who I am. Partly because of this I have kept carefully to just crossdressing and have not ventured into any significant makeup, jewelry, etc., as I don’t want to create the impression I am really trying to be a woman. I need to keep the focus purely on exploring and enjoying the wider variety of clothing.

 

Well, if you have managed to read this far you will have some idea of what a year of change this has been for me.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

PS: I still haven’t actually told my wife I am a crossdresser.

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59 Replies
17 Replies
Guest
(@Anonymous 76954)
Joined: 3 years ago

Reputable Member
Posts: 450

@fembecky So sorry to hear about your wife's onset of dementia heartbreaking for sure.  My path has been somewhat similar.  I started out with panties as my wife knew I liked them and she didnt seem bothered by that.  So I slowly introduced more female items. She  asked my fem name and I told her it was stephanie and when she saw me dressed a bit she would call me by that name, which I loved.  Lots of communication, although she has never asked the am I gay or do I want to transition questions.  Eventually over the course of 2 years she now sees me in skirts, hose, wigs, nightgowns, skinny jeans, leggings and blouses etc.  She has bought me lots of things including my first real dress, earrings, bras panties etc.  And it does feel very normal but I realize how lucky I am and how wonderful she is.  So happy for your wonderful year of changes.

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@stephaniewyo 

Yes, it seems you have followed a similar path to me and I am really glad it is working out so well for you.

Rebecca

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Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 4211

@fembecky Hi my lovely

Surprised, relieved, exhilarated, peaceful ... sad and apprehensive.

Such a bittersweet article.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Big hugs

Ellie x

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(@sjohnson)
Joined: 2 years ago

Trusted Member     South East Wisconsin, Wisconsin, United States of America
Posts: 42

@fembecky Wow, your story is both exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. I am extremley happy about the acceptance you have recived. I am not so sure it would be that easy where I live. I guess I was lucky my late wife encouraged me into crossdressing not knowing I was already a crossdresser.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

Posted by: @fembecky

they just became accepted as normal.

 

my crossdressing has just become accepted as normal.

Thanks for your story, Rebecca.

I can't say yet that my wife has accepted my dressing as normal, yet, but I too am slowly expanding what I do and where I do it. This is easier to do now while wearing winter clothes, mind you.

Some of the first times that I wore a bra with breast forms, during last summer, I am pretty sure that she didn't even notice, certainly not outwardly. And she has never complained about me doing that. Other things, yes. My style has, for the most part, been fairly androgynous, so I hope that I don't draw a lot of attention around her. On my own, I don't care what happens so much and am bolder.

But even still, my goal is to learn what works and to improve my dressing, within the limits of what my wife tolerates. In other words, like you, I am trying to be normal while dressed.

 

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@harriette 

It's lovely to hear that you are able to take steps forward, even though like me they may be small ones at a time. Be sensitive to your wife's level of acceptance and I am sure that will guide you on how quickly and how far you can progress. But my experience is that everyone I have encountered in the wider world is very accepting these days, especially if "dressed your age" and in a way that blends in, so there is nothing to be afraid of. I have just returned from the dentist where I have been going for many years, but this time fully dressed. The lady dentist did not bat an eyelid!

Best wishes for your on-going journey, and I hope your wife ultimately gets as much enjoyment from it as you will.

Rebecca xxx

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

@fembecky Well, I don't know about her getting enjoyment out me dressing (She has been pretty cool, lately. Maybe she has been talking with someone she works with.), but we can hope, eh?

BTW, my dental checkup is a week away. I still don't know how far I will go with dressing.

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@harriette 

Yes, there are ups and downs! Hope it all works out well for you.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

Posted by: @harriette

BTW, my dental checkup is a week away. I still don't know how far I will go with dressing.

All done, and I found out how far that I was willing to go.

I underdressed, as usual, with black stockings with only a slight chevron pattern (these need replacement, now), a bra without any form, and a nice checked shirt with long blue jeans in that deep indigo blue. I wore short black boots with block heels... and nobody paid any attention. There was nothing to see, in reality, and they had a job to do.

I inserted my breast forms while it was quiet on the stairwell and I stepped out into the real world.

 

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@harriette 

Awesome. Well done Harriette 👍 .

By coincidence I also had a dental visit a few days ago. In my case I was fully underdressed (including T-shirt style underwire bra and, like you, without forms). I then had ladies trousers (dark blue) and a ladies fine wool long sleeve top (mid blue), plus black ankle boots with 2" heels. In fact everything femme! I lay back in the dentist chair with my pubescent breasts clearly evident, but got no comments whatsoever from our lady dentist and her lady assistant.

This follows a pattern I have used a few times now - gradually wearing increasingly femme clothing on regular appointments such as dentist or hairdresser.

Until last autumn I had always gone to the hairdresser in drab, but in November I decided to wear a femme outfit very similar to the one described above. There were 2 interesting reactions. Our (male) hairdresser gave me an impromptu friendly hug. His young lady assistant gave me what I can only describe as a "woman to woman appraisal"; it took about 1 second for her eyes to scan me from head to toe, followed by the faintest facial expression that suggested approval 😊 .

My next hairdresser appointment is next week. I am still undecided whether or not to "up the ante" and wear a skirt or dress 🤔 .

Rebecca

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

Well, you have already taken things this far. They are prepped, you are itching to dress, so... why not?

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@harriette 

Well, Harriette,

I reckon it is all YOUR fault.

I blame it ALL on YOU.

If it hadn't been for YOU this might never have happened.

You had to go and encourage me, didn't you!

So this morning I did it 😀 . I wore a nice skirt and top to the hairdresser and nothing was actually said. BUT the (somewhat shy) assistant who washes my hair was much smilier and chattier that usual. So that is another step forward.

Thanks Harriette

Grin

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

All it took was a few words of encouragement, but you came through for yourself. That's what CDH is all about. I am trying to live up to my own words, but it is tough. I am working on my limitations, too.

I didn't expect the comment about nobody saying anything. If anything in a salon would generate conversation, unconventional dressing should be at the top of that list, don't you think?

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3084

@fembecky Just as an aside, I met my wife at night school while she was leaning how to cut hair. Ever since then, she has cut mine as her only customer. Some things last.

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 10 months ago

Famed Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 1581

@fembecky 

Hi, Rebecca.

I regularly extol the virtues of exploring the site to new members and then, occasionally, stumble into gems like this while I'm looking for a shorter route to India!

I'm glad I found this though, I find stories like yours really help to "flesh out" the characters of even people we interact with fairly regularly.

So, here's my belated thanks for sharing this with us.

Allie x

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@alexina Hi Allie, thanks for the thanks. I notice you a "Hostess" which, if I recall correctly, is an apprentice Ambassador. Not sure how long that has been the case, I may have just missed seeing it earlier.  Congratulations 😀 .

Rebecca x

 

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 10 months ago

Famed Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 1581

@fembecky 

An apprentice ambassador, ha ha, I like it. Just about 4 weeks now, I'm happy to be able to help out, this community has done so much for me.

Allie x

 

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Posts: 1266
(@finallyfiona)
    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 10 months ago

What a lovely, happy, but ultimately sad story, rather moving.  I very much enjoyed reading that, thank you for sharing 🙂 

You look absolutely wonderful in the photo too, and to my eyes very natural.  If I look half that good in my years to come, I'll be happy.

I'm also most pleased to hear of your experiences with other people while out en femme in this country, that's very encouraging.  Have you found that it makes any difference being out in company with your wife vs. alone?  Do you think people might be inclined to be less judgmental because you  present as an obviously older lady?

Fiona xxx

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2 Replies
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@finallyfiona 

Hi Fiona, thanks for the lovely comments (BTW I love your name!)

These days my wife and I necessarily do everything together, so over the last year I have no experience being out crossdressed by myself. However in my secret dressing pre-retirement days (up to 2016) I was able to take a few short walks around smaller towns (Wellingborough, Stamford and others) and never received any negative reactions. I went into a very small number of selected clothing shops on such occasions and was always made welcome (in one shop all the staff stayed 30 minutes beyond closing time encouraging me to try different dresses).

I have always tried to dress in an age appropriate way and never tried to pass as a much younger person than I am. Perhaps you are right, this does mean people are likely to be less judgemental.

Rebecca xxx

 

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(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 10 months ago

    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 1266

@fembecky Thank you for your encouragement, in reply to my questions in this and one of the other threads.  It's heartening that beyond SO/OH's or close family, there have been so few negative reactions from the wider public in the stories I've read so far from the ladies on here.  

Fiona
xxx

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Posts: 474
(@justnikki)
Prominent Member     Seattle, Washington, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story, Rebecca. It sounds almost like a form of exposure therapy! Your steady and thoughtful advances and strategic retreats have all but obviated the need to "tell" your wife which I find remarkable. My happiness for you is tempered only by the disclosure about your wife's condition. My heart goes out to you both.

You look amazing!

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1 Reply
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@justnikki Many thanks for your kind comments. I don't expect my wife to be as fully engaged with my crossdressing as yours is with you (I envy you!), but what I have now is so much more than this time last year and I enjoy every minute of it.

 

Rebecca xxx

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Posts: 617
Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Congratulations!  A thoughtful, patient, persistent approach has accomplished your goals!

I came out to my children years ago, the first being my youngest daughter, who I figured would be accepting, as she is a hippie out of time and breaks all kinds of boundaries. She immediately invited me to get dressed up and made up with the help of her friends, and I spent a full week with her en femme. So I was rather surprised when she recently became very disturbed and offended by my "pretending to be a woman". She is in favor of my wearing dresses that fit a man, but opposed to bras or anything not made for men. She opposes using female pronouns, which is fine by me, but she insists she treat all biological males as men, refusing to affirm anyone who is someone not boen female. Perhaps your wife is in That camp... accepTing to a point, buT insisting you remain a MAN and not preTend to be someone you are not and who she cannoT accepT, if she married a man, raTher Than a woman. From that perspecTive, she is amazingly tolerant. So by respecTing each oTher in The mosT imporTanT ways to each you have found whaT mosT married couples find... Tolerance wiThin boundaries.

I have discovered ThaT The most offensive Things To my SO are wig and lipstick. She doesn'T like The bra, buT knows I am not apt to give in on That, as that garmenT is essenTial to me. You have kept your boundaries well wiTHin whaT most CDs would wanT and she no doubT loves you more for The honor and respecT you give her. No doubT she has researched This wiTh others and knows she is blessed. Kudos!

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9 Replies
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@rhondalee Many thanks for those comments. I recognise that I will always need to tread carefully and be considerate of my wife's potential changes of mood which come as a consequence of her situation. Sadly I don't actually think she has the capacity to research the subject these days. Meanwhile I am happy to enjoy the level of freedom I have.

Rebecca xxx

PS: You look great in your photos.

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Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 617

Thanks for the comments on my photo! It was taken some time ago, but has been a favorite. My Mom had Alzheimers for about 10 years before she passed. It was difficult to watch. I have markers from both parents so am at high risk and may already be suffering from early onset. But my view is that there are worse ways to decline. My mom never realized what others detected. She never recalled even a root canal right after having it. She didn't know why my father was not in the car when we drove away from his gravesite. I could show her a photo of me crossdressed, get a quizzical look and the comment "Is that YOU??" and repeat the process again 10 minutes later, knowing I did not fear her reaction on what she might say to others.. It may be sad to watch the decline, but she never suffered visible pain. And until the very day she died she KNEW me. She could not talk, but she would touch my hand in a knowing, loving way, and even mouth "You are my sunshine" as I played piano for her. To all else she only had non-responsive vacant stares. Love conquers all and endures forever. THAT, my friend, is what matters!

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@rhondalee 

Hi Rhonda, that was really nice of you to share that with me. My Dad also died of Alzheimers about 12 years ago; the decline was over a period of about 5 or 6 years. Sadly I have been living a considerable distance from his home which meant it was difficult to see him as often as I would have liked. I am just grateful that I was able to spend time with him 2 days before he passed and that my brother was actually with him when he did. 

"Love conquers all and endures forever. THAT, my friend, is what matters!" Thank you especially for that last sentence.

Rebecca xxx

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Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 617

Thanks! I have actually been in an Alzheimers study to try to find a cure, since 23 and me singled me out for being a very rare case of having 2 genetic markers for the disease and high risk. At every session I'd meet with a therapist who would repeatedly ask me if I thought it was the worst disease one could have, whether I could handle the depression, etc. I've had a lot of time to reflect and I can truly say that, although I value my mind over my body, it is not at all the worst case scenario if one can decline without feeling pain or being conscious of what is happening. My mother thought I was her husband and could not understand why I would leave her alone at night. She did have doubts, as she seemed to know I was also her son and couldn't determine if we had a secret others could not understand or vice versa. The truth is we DID have a secret. We knew something about sharing life and love that was special and unique.

She reached a point where she could not stand, but she did not realize that. Being altruistic she tried to help her roommate with the same issue. The staff later found them lying in a heap on the floor. I'd pull her out of her wheelchair and dance with her, keeping her from falling. I'd have her sit next to the piano bench and do solo concerts for her to see what she could recall, from rags by Joplin to more recent popular tunes. Until the day she died I'd sing to her as she did to me when I was young and she'd smile or touch my hand. She was too busy living to know or worry about dying... we were both blessed.
I think Carlin once said "It's not the breaths we take that matter but the moments that take our breath away.".Every breath is a gift.All we can do in life, whether it be to crossdress or just age, is play the cards we are dealt and look for the aces.There are aces in every deck. I hope you find yours.

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@rhondalee

Again, Rhonda, thank you for those lovely words. My wife and I do everything together these days and I am gradually finding I need to support her in more ways day by day. But we try to enjoy our days and find as much joy and fun as possible in all we do. She is well aware that there are problems with her memory, but does not actually recognise that it may be dementia, nor is she willing to see the doctor (bad history with doctors in the past), so I have to manage it as best I can myself.

Rebecca xxx

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Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 617
Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 617

It is harder, I think, for the caregivers than for the patient. There are support groups for caregivers of Alzheimers patients. You might affiliate with one of them. IT is tough going it alone, even if you have family to provide occasional support. We enlisted aides, and continued using one who developed a close relationship with my Mom even after we put her in an assisted living facility. That lasted awhile, until it didn't because she got in the way and was chased off, buT The companionship and friendship helped a lot. I think it important to prepare for a constant "staging" and decline. It takes more resources and energy as you go down The trail, and it is Tough for The caregiver as iT becomes harder to communicate effectively with the patient. One thing that helps is to engage the patient in activities that require thought. My mom got hooked on solitaire. That not only kept her happy and occupied, but helped her mind. She reached a point where she disabled the compuTer repeatedly and could not continue. But doing crossword puzzles and other activities That engage the mind is helpful. Even senseless stuff like clipping coupons from newspapers and organizing them can serve a purpose. Any activities reqUiring thought can be helpful to all, and They can provide opportunity to meaningfully engage tO The extenT possible. Go for walks or do whaTever the mind and body allow. It is like dealing with a child who is getting younger instead of older. There is a movie that captures the experience... "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" I think. Just relish the fact you can share love, no matter the age. You matter to her and she to you. That won't stop. Love is timeless.

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Baroness Annual
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 617

Try to find a measure of joy in the fact that demenTia patients tend to lose their ability to judge others. they become like children, where everything is acceptable because they don't know it isn't. Your crossdressing is already a non-issue. Christ blessed the children, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. many of us long for our innocent childhood days, where one can take delight in the simple beauty of nature, a sunset, a dandelion, a duck pond. Maybe you can recapture and share some of those joys. that's what I did with my Mom. I also discovered that I could engage with others in the assisted living center... the droolers who everyone tends to ignore... they all have stories and you CAN engage with them if you take the time. They will welcome it and so will you. Your nurturing femme side can find new meaning as you learn more about yourself. You are not at that stage yet, but may consider it. Early on I was repulsed at the idea of moving my Mom into a small hospital-size room, but discovered it is better than a larger apartment because people are forced to engage with others and there are aides trained to assist. If you can manage iT, consider exploring an assisted living facility That is known for its abiliTy to deal with memory care issues. I have been looking into starting one That specializes in care for transgender people... noT your concern here, but there is a lot to be said for a communiTy environment that can offer assistance as you become more burdened personally.

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Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@rhondalee 

Hi Rhonda, those are wonderfully helpful and encouraging words - thanks! We are not yet at the stage of considering some of those suggestions and I hope it will be some time yet before I need to, but I will keep a note of all you have said because I am sure it will be a great help at the right time.

Rebecca xxx

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Posts: 450
Guest
(@Anonymous 76954)
Reputable Member
Joined: 3 years ago

Thank you, Rebecca, for your article, The New Normal. 

I immediately thought of a girl who I met at support meetings.

From what she says, her spouse is not aware of her crossdressing.  Yet, she (the CD) keeps her toenails permanently painted the same bright red-orange color I use.  Her spouse has also discovered a few female items around the home. 

Is this a case of adaptive training?  The new normal? 

I have no idea.  Nevertheless, I thought of this girl, when I read your article. 

 

 

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Posts: 2955
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

A bittersweet tale and sad to hear your wife is suffering dementia which will be a challenge to you in the future.
As for the crossdressing well you are finding out what a lot of us have found while coming out - life remains normal. It gave me resolve to establish myself as the person I have always been and to be comfortable wherever I go. I think you look very nice and no wonder you have also found it easy to be accepted. Thank you so much for sharing.

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1 Reply
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@ab123 

Thanks Angela. And thanks for your kind comments on my appearance, though I don’t think I will ever be as naturally feminine in appearance as you are.

Rebecca xxx

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Posts: 189
Lady
(@chanel)
Reputable Member     New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 11 months ago

Maybe you don’t need to tell her anything because you ARE just….normal.

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1 Reply
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@chanel 

Hey Chanel, what a succinct and thoughtful response! Glad someone at last recognises that perhaps I am normal after all 😆 .

Rebecca xxx

 

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Posts: 16
Lady
(@janetbarrie)
Active Member     Innisfil, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 5 years ago

Wow!! Such a beautiful but also sad story, nothing feels better than being true to yourself, good thoughts and wishes from Canada thanks for the inspiration. Janet

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Posts: 31
Lady
(@jillharris1953)
Eminent Member     Tennessee, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

Great article, and a novel way to approach the situation. My story is similar to yours, although not quite as bold.

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Posts: 3
Lady
(@tracey430)
New Member     Ohio, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Hello Rebecca, you look stunning. I am happy for the acceptance. My ex did not accept me, its not the reason we are no longer together however it certainly didn't help. Never be afraid of change

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Posts: 30
(@donadress4me)
Trusted Member     Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 11 months ago

I enjoyed reading your story Rebecca. Like you my wife or family do not know that I'm a crossdresser. Maybe someday I'll have the nerve to slowly indroduce Daphanie to my wife. I envy your courage.

Daphanie Allison

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1 Reply
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 514

@donadress4me 

Hi Daphanie, until a year or so ago I never thought I would be able to share this with my wife. But initial small steps which brought no reaction from her gave me the encouragement to push ahead, and having the added encouragement and support of the ladies in the dress shop made it easier for me to start acquiring a wardrobe.

If you find you are able to go down this path, be sensitive to your wife's reaction to the gradual introduction to Daphanie. Let that guide how far and how fast to proceed.

Rebecca xxx

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Posts: 75
Hostess
(@ellie52)
Estimable Member     Perth, Western Australia, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Rebecca that was a fantastic read and it also resonated a lot with me as my story - in the early days of my coming out to my wife was very similar. I started the visual change wearing sarongs around the house and garden but in early 2011 I told my wife I was a crossdresser. I was so nervous at the time but she was fantastic. She called me 'Her sweet transvestite' (From Rocky horror- one of her favourite movies). From then on she realised having a husband who ENJOYED going shopping with her for clothes and offering unbiased opinions on her choices was fun and helped her choose clothes that looked good on her.
From there it has expanded to all my family friends and neighbours knowing so now it too is a normal part of our life (Except work - thats a no go area). Wearing dresses and skirts etc around the house and garden, and to friends houses is normal and going shopping together as two girls is also fun.
Thanks for a great insight into how you resolved your crossdressing issues with your wife.
On a final note - its terrible to hear your wife is suffereing from early on set dementia - that is an awful disease so I wish you and her all the best for the future and make the most of all the time you have together. Ellie xxxx

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Posts: 514
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@fembecky)
Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Thanks for your kind comments Ellie. It is lovely to hear that you have had a similar journey to me that has worked out very well for you and your wife.

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Posts: 967
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story Rebecca. It was wonderful. It was sad. It was real.

I told my wife many years ago and she wasn't thrilled. The usual concerns about gay or wanting to transition.

We have a normal now. She finds my panties mixed in the laundry, she returns them to me, no questions asked. She sees heels lying in plajn site, no mention.

I do sometimes fear this is the calm before the storm, before she asks for a divorce. But we two are getting older, wiser, and the years remaining of life seem less than when we were younger. Maybe we're just getting used to normal with a maturity where most things don't really matter. Only time will tell.

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Posts: 514
Baroness Annual
Topic starter
(@fembecky)
Noble Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Thanks Lea, I hope everything continues to go well for you.

I too have concerns for the future especially as dementia plays havoc with memories and can result in rapid changes of emotions. But we take one day at a time and so far the 'difficult' moments have not been focussed on cross dressing.

Rebecca xxx

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