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Most of us dress for the first time with clothing from relatives, a significant other, or wherever we can get a piece of clothing discretely for the first time. But there comes a time when both the need, for a completely personal wardrobe and the desire for one, arises.
You can purchase from the comfort of your home online and have it delivered. Alternatively, you can go to a shop with a female friend to help with measurements and to help avoid any potential embarrassment at the counter if you are not ready yet to look at the face of the cashier and have your eyes say, "I will make this dress look even better on me than on the mannequin in the display." It takes a while to get there (and I am not there yet myself).
We are constantly afraid of judgment by other customers or the staff working at a store. We also may be afraid of the very small risk of being seen by someone we are not ready to allow to know that part of us. Lucky for me, it has not happened yet. Luck, however, can only be on your side for so long. There comes a time when you have to start relying on your confidence. Remember that you are doing this for your own well being. Ideally, you should just not care about what others may or may not think about it as long as you are being respectful.
I have gathered enough confidence to go shopping without being too self-conscious about it, at least until a fated Friday some weeks ago.
First, a little bit about myself. I had recently moved to New Zealand and the only clothes that I had with me in my luggage were men's clothes. The few times I've gone to purchase female clothing, I haven't had meaningful glances of disapproval nor any fingers pointed or anything of that sort. Though it has happened that the cashiers sometimes look slightly nervous when they finally realize that the clothes are for me. When shopping, I have always gone as a man and not as a woman.
So after arriving in New Zealand, I went shopping. First I purchased some dresses from second-hand shops. Then I went to a general store for some footwear; I bought a pair of size 10 ballet flats and a pair of size 11 heels. These are the first heels I have ever owned. I also purchased a bra and panty set and some pantyhose.
I do have the confidence to browse and purchase clothes, but not when children are around. For instance, I really wanted to get some makeup but the aisle with makeup had a mother and her two daughters who were slightly under 10 years old, so I was not able to accomplish that part. I decided to finish my shopping for the day, so I headed to the register since I had already picked up the main items on my list. I was unlucky enough that the lady in front of me was having problems with her bank card being recognized by the system, and a small girl (about 7 years old) was barraging the cashier with non-stop questions. After some minutes waiting for the hassle with the previous customer to end, I was finally able to start passing my items through, then... it happened; that moment we all fear.
The little girl asked the cashier “Why is he buying girl’s clothes?".
What I had feared the most happened. I always felt anxious when imagining how would I feel whenever that time would come, hearing someone directly ask and question my actions that encourage the existence of Laura. I have always thought my world would come crashing down, or that I’d get red as a tomato, or that I would just bolt out of the store, but none of those things happened.
The cashier stood there, pale, staring at the child with a panicked face, then smiling at me nervously, and looking back at the little girl once again. I just gave the child a warm smile, her question was an honest one, and you can't blame anyone for being curious, especially a child. The little girl then looked down at the floor, then up again and said to the cashier “I guess this is one of those ‘it’s none of yo’ situations”. The cashier relaxed a bit, I paid and left slightly nervous.
I survived the ordeal, it was not as bad as I thought it would be, but nonetheless, it still had repercussions. Next time I went to get some clothes, I went to a store where you could scan your own items...in another city. In hindsight, I should not have done that. I feel Laura took several steps back from what she had achieved so far.
It’s hard to get some confidence, and it’s easy to have the little confidence you have in yourself shaken. Sometimes you just have to push through, and if possible, deal with the aftermath's internal turmoil better than I have.
Your friend,
Laura
So well done Laura for getting to accept yourself. We are as we are and did not chose to be but admitting that takes a lot of overcoming of our own inhibitions and such relief when we do. That is, for sure, the first step.
I loved your story and the little girl who answered her own question so nicely. I guess it also reflects how far things have come that everyone survived this little incident with their dignity intact? She is also one bright, inquisitive little girl and who will grow up to be able to wear all those lovely clothes without any questions.
One of my most recent purchases was a pair of heels which I just could not pass up although presenting as 'him' and the cashier asked if they were for me? So not wanting to lie, I said 'oh yes' to which she replied 'well we do get men these days who buy for themselves' so it would seem she didn't think of me as 'one of them' even though I had answered her the truthfully but then, what does 'one of them' look like?
So glad you have found CDH and look forward to reading more of your stories as well as you soon shopping as Laura maybe?
Love Linda
It helps to have a prepared answer. You'll not only have more confidence for dealing with innocent comments but you'll also be able to get on with shopping instead of worrying.
I usually buy "stuff for my friend". There's nothing wrong with a guy buying his friend some clothes. If the cashiers have noticed anything they kept it to themselves.
Go with confidence and be fabulous.
I would like to think I could be emotionally prepared to say, "they are for me because sometimes I wear women's clothes", or"I wear both men's and women's' clothes". I haven't had to answer that question yet, though I have been shopping for myself and taken women's clothes into the changing rooms. I haven't had to differentiate between men's and women's changing rooms though. It's easy for me to go into the ladies restroom in a restaurant when I am dressed so I suppose it would just as easy at a department store. Confidence really is key. I had a wonderful experience at a mall recently while shopping for a dress. I was with a cis-girlfriend who was getting something to eat before the dress shopping ordeal began. While I waited near the counter for her, I must have looked a bit nervous standing around obviously as a man dressed as a woman. A woman came up to me, made a point to look me in the eye after getting my attention, and complimented me on my handbag. "I love your purse." I beamed and her reaction indicated immediately that she had achieved her intent; to reassure this guy that he was alright and would be accepted for doing his own thing. Every now and then humanity surprises us and lets us know kindness still exists in the world. That gave me the confidence I needed to walk back through the mall to Nordstrom Rack and hold my head up high. Confidence is key, but sometimes you need someone else to trigger it for you.
For what it is worth, my standard answer: I am buying this for someone special to me.
I am fortunate enough to have a large lingerie/adult store near me. I come right out and tell them that the clothing items are for me (they know, anyway - several CD customers there). Much easier that way - then I can ask for style, they know what will fit me, etc. I recently bought perfume in a Victoria's Secret store, told the manager it was for me, and asked for suggestions - she spent 20 minutes helping me! I just find it much easier to be open about it, if possible, for both me and the salespeople. That way - no returned items, waste of money, etc. By the way, I go shopping feminine under traditional "men's clothes".
I an not looking to shock anyone at the store, just be polite and friendly and usually you will get the same in return. It seems like the saleswomen enjoy helping me. Thanks for this article!
Luckily I've never had the opportunity to use it, but I buy a lot from charity shops so my prepared answer is "its for my eBay store, this stuff sells like crazy". I think the ladies in the second hand shops see so many of us they can clock us a mile off!
Lovely story, Laura! I do a lot of shopping online and a fair amount in Walmart’s with self service registers but I do on occasion go through regular check out lines and only rarely has a cashier said anything about my purchases; a few times they have commented on what a good deal an item of clothing is as they refolded it after scanning the price tag and there have been one or two jokes about how that shade of lipstick would look great on you. But overall I I’ve been fairly comfortable buying for Cyn. It helps somewhat now that my hair is long enough that in occasionally get”ma’amed” in stores(the pierced ears add to it too) even when I’m in male mode. I hope that it continues to get easier for you and all of us as the world becomes more tolerant of those of us off the beaten path of gender!
Cyn
I started going out in the late 70's. When I first went out I was very nervous. I remember a time a friend and I went shopping dressed and was followed around by 2 salesgirls. This was in the early 80's. As years went by it got easier to go out. My confidence got stronger and I enjoyed it more and more. I know I'm making it sound easy. But just go over in your mind what is the worst that can happen and figure out how you would deal with it.
Yours Terri
Aren't kids cute???? Hummmmmmm. At least they are honest and are in the process of learning about life. It isn't meant to be mean, just curiosity. I know it has happened to me......my reply......what!!!!!! I'm getting some clothes for my wife/girl friend who was in an accident and is in hospital! 100% replies....oh, I am sorry....is she going to be ok?
Lady Veronica
Laura - I think a few years ago your situation would have scared me a bit, but I actually don't have a problem with it anymore. I have spent hours trying on female clothing and shoes while in male mode and I actually have fun with the kids sometimes if they ask questions. It might just be because I don't really feel the need to hide my "hobby" anymore, or that I'm 60 and nearing retirement, or that I spent way too much of my life caring about what others thought. I'm not sure why, but it is liberating to get to the point where being exposed is not really an issue anymore.
I hope you are able to get closer to that state as time goes on.
April
Hi Laura,
Don't be to hard on yourself. Just because you went out of town to another Store does not mean several steps back. It would only be steps back if you stopped going out shopping completely. but you did not do that. try checking out the store just as they open or just before they close there will be less people there and it will help you get your confidence back. Your story was great and things did go fairly well.
I Love telling people the clothes are for me. But then again I like the looks on their faces.
Laura- I have been buying clothes in drab for my wife for the 47 years that we have been married. Within the last 10 years, I have had the chance to buy clothes for Leonara..my wife is an 8 petite and Leonara size 10... sales associate said nothing but commented on how nice the garments were... it made me feel special..
Yay another Girl from NZ.
Lovely story.
Your story is very interesting and resonates with me. I just today went to the big supercenter in my guy clothes and decided it was time to purchase a better-fitting top and pants, as well as a pair of wedge sandals. I needed to make sure the top fit me, and I said to myself "this is the 21st century; I should be able to take these to the mens fitting room like I would men's clothes -- it's just clothes." It was around 8 in the evening and the clothing section was not very busy but I had to look for an employee to unlock the fitting room door and count my articles. I found the lady and asked her if she would unlock the door so I could try on some clothes, which i had left in my basket by the fitting rooms. She came over and I said "there's 3 items", and she got me a number card. She got out her key and I started toward the men's fitting room. She hesitated then found the right key. She said, "Oh haha I thought you said 'she had three items, sorry about that." I just said no worries, thank you ma'am. And she said you're most welcome. My point to this is, if you approach people with respect and matter-of-fact attitude and expect a reasonable outcome I have found that even a situation like that in which I could've felt too awkward to try on some clothes, simply because of having to ask a fellow human to unlock the door, even in that situation, it seems that by giving and expecting respect, that's what I got.
How do you normally handle trying on clothes at the stores say in the mall?
