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You've probably considered seeking psychological help. "I'm a man but I like feminine things. Why? Is this normal? Do I have to accept myself or "cure" this?"
We tend to naturally like some things and dislike others. Environmental aspects can also develop preferences or strongly influence us - like a trigger.
In childhood, a boy who lives with his mother and sisters and does not have a father figure present may have a greater tendency to be attracted to the feminine side. For example: having more feminine behaviors or being more curious to try something of the opposite sex.
Another boy might notice a stray pair of panties is more attractive—whether it's the fabric or the pattern than his drab underwear. He may try on such panties and simply enjoy the experience. Another example is finding a princess dress to be much more attractive than a male superhero costume.
Another boy may might be pushed into crossdressing out of his will—like an older sister who dresses him as a girl for fun or his mother who puts him in a dress for a costume party or other event. Once they have contact with this experience, they may come to enjoy doing it and feel the desire to repeat it.
In adolescence, the process of growth and puberty, from hormones to the appearance of hair and breasts, enhances the difference between boys and girls.
A boy who notices girls at school starting to wear bras might be curious and want to try one on.
The boy tries on the bra and likes the feeling of wearing one. Perhaps, too, he feels a sexual stimulus - remember that in adolescence hormones skyrocket.
If he likes the experience, he will tend to repeat it. He will want to have his own bras and adopt them in his daily life.
In adult life, a man who is not satisfied with his masculine personality - such as having little muscle or not being successful with women - may try to compensate for this in other ways.
He will be able to develop a feminine personality by dressing like a woman.
Aside from a possible sexual pleasure, he may enjoy the feeling of wearing lingerie, a dress, makeup, and a wig. He can look in the mirror and feel that his female presentation is truer than his male self. This could raise his self-esteem and help to overcome his need to compensate for the frustration caused by the failures on the male side.
If you are - or are thinking of becoming - an artist, you might develop an opposite-sex persona through crossdressing. If you like Womanless, you can become a reference in this segment. The internet can help you become an influencer through crossdressing: something that can be very productive, interesting, fun... and profitable.
There is a downside to this bias: Unless you identify as a transgender person, your feminine side will never replace your masculine one. You can explore your feminine persona, but that doesn't stop you from developing as a man. You will not be able to be a woman 24 hours a day, nor will you be able to escape your masculine obligations at home and at work. Balance is the secret.
Many crossdressers reject the sexual component of this practice as others find sexual pleasure in crossdressing; it is essential to understand this. In some instances, you may develop a harmful compulsion, not having control over your desires, and even potentially expose yourself to dangerous situations. This could become unhealthy and require professional help.
Another positive point is learning skills that may become useful. Learning more about women's clothing can help you in a loving relationship. Situations such as choosing clothes as a gift for a girlfriend or learning about makeup could allow you to work as a makeup artist. Crossdressing can develop your empathy with the opposite sex: perhaps the time your wife takes to get ready is not as time-consuming as you once thought.
Crossdressing can also combat stress: if you enjoy doing it, it can relax and give you pleasure - I don't mean sexual pleasure, but the pleasure of doing something you enjoy. It may even serve as an escape when practiced in a healthy way
If you still don't know why you like to dress as a woman, look for those elements in your life that could justify or support this preference. Therapy - or even self-therapy and self-knowledge - can be key.
Some questions you can ask yourself: 1) Have I always liked women's clothing? 2) I was influenced by the environment or other people. 3) Do I think women's clothes are more beautiful than men's? 4) Do I feel sexual pleasure when dressing like a woman? Only that? 5) Do I use crossdressing to compensate for social, physical, and other failures on my male side? 6) What have I learned, or can I learn from crossdressing? 7) Can I be successful by dressing like a woman? 8) Is my crossdressing healthy? 9) Do I feel shame, guilt, or remorse when I crossdress? 10) Did the lack of a male figure in childhood influence me?
Having answers to these and other questions is essential for the healthy practice of crossdressing. Unhealthy crossdressing will lead to impulses, guilt, regrets, regrets, and other social, physical, emotional, and financial losses.
- Have you ever wondered why you like to dress like a woman?
- Do you believe you were influenced in childhood or adolescence?
- Have you ever had any kind of therapy to find out more about it?
@marieclaire2 As far as I can tell, only this question is of any real relevance, to me.
- Do I think women's clothes are more beautiful than men's?
Yes, of course. Is that why I crossdress? I have no idea, for sure.
@harriette find women’s clothes so much more comfortable than male attire. They also feel and look so much nicer on as well and I can relax when dressed en femme
Crossdressing is too new to me for me to be certain about why I dress and I am not sure that I need to know. Foundation garments are not necessarily comfortable, but I use them to create an illusion - the pain of pleasure. The feeling of tight outer clothes is totally new and sensational to me. I love it! If only I experienced that a long time ago, but I also love the feeling and look coming from wearing loose dresses and skirts, too.
@marieclaire2 Hi Marie Claire
I had an epiphany a few years back.
yes I had all the shame, the guilt, the fear, went through the therapy, the questioning why?why?why?
A good friend just cut through all the bull$?!% and said ‘Why not?’
This is the real question.
Not why?
But why not?
Since the beginning of civilisation we have been told how to dress, how to act, societal gender rules and norms, which evolve depending on the culture we are born into, our religion, our environment etc.
So we choose not to conform.
I am me, choosing my own path, not the path laid out for me by society, culture, religion etc. I chose to do what I want to do! Yes I love the feel of silk, satin, lace, Lycra, chiffon, I love the the flow of a dress, love the variety of clothing, love the feel of smooth skin, love enhancing my appearance with a bit of make up or jewellery, love smelling nice, being in the company of women talking about these things. Why is this wrong? Shallow? Some may see it as such but it gives me immense joy. Why? Well why not?
Some people love sports, collecting stamps, cooking, travelling, dancing, cars, gardening, astronomy, antiques… does anybody ask why? No, as it should be the question is why not?
Sure it may make us less desirable to the opposite sex, but that is not because of us and what we do, it is because we do not conform to what society has taught women what is expected as far what a man should look like.
Is it my fault I feel better being me rather than who I am supposed to be? Or is the problem societal gender binaries that dictate what is normal and what is not?
Why blend in when you can stand out!
We are different, and that is a wonderful thing, yes I am sure there are influences from our upbringing, but a commonality that makes us what we are? Been here many years, did a lot of reading. Nurture or nature? A bit of both I think. Of course we are influenced by our experiences, but I feel I have always had this love of my feminine side in me, and it has burst out despite, not because of the influences in the society I am immersed in.
Sorry I tend to go on and on.
B x
Sure it may make us less desirable to the opposite sex, but that is not because of us and what we do, it is because we do not conform to what society has taught women what is expected as far what a man should look like.
Apparently, I haven't been desired by the opposite sex for quite a few decades.
Fabulous Harriette!
The majority of stories about partners on this site seem to range from grudging acceptance to outright hostility via
‘I know about what you do but I don’t want to see it!’
Glad you have found true acceptance and desirability of your true self from your partner.
B x
@bianca We are not anywhere near acceptance yet. Begrudging tolerance? OK, I will accept that.
@bianca Spot on! I think you nailed many things I’ve been thinking about on this topic. It’s down to social conditioning and shaming those who refuse to tie the line. I excuse your rant if you’ll excuse mine.
When things don’t flow smoothly in this world, our social engineers (who ever they are in your life), send in experts who pathologize those who don’t fit in to the plan. Don’t like working on an assembly line? You are depressed! It’s your problem. Here are some pills to make you feel better.
I second everything you wrote Bianca and I would add that there are plenty of genetic and developmental reasons we are the way we are. These “abnormalities” don’t fit the social engineer’s model. Intersex is one of the few that are even known about but there are many more. There’s chimerism where twins are fused into one body, vanishing twin syndrome VTS where one of the fetuses in the womb shrinks away and is absorbed by the surviving twin. Its estimated that VTS happens in 20% of pregnancies.
So what happens to a boy who had a vanishing twin sister? My hunch is he feels feminine energy inside him and has no fucking clue why he feels this way because it was not okay to be any5ing but a boy. I have a strong suspicion that this was how my life started. Science and medicine aren’t interested in how consciousness erupts from the fusion of two or twenty cells because it’s too hard to study and it gets into our territory.
We don’t have much science to back us up but there are all here for good reasons, not just because someone happened to dress us up like a girl one day. If they did and it lit a fire inside us then we should thank them!
We are all here the way we are for perfectly good reasons, many of which our medical, scientific, and psychological overlords have failed to investigate.
BTW I have never heard of a man cross dressing because he felt inferior. Listening to our stories I hear men who were brave, strong, and successful. It takes a lot of courage to do this and I doubt that an insecure man could pull it off.
Lea
@marieclaire2 Psychologists have a name for my condition. It's called autogynephilia, meaning a male's tendency to become sexually aroused by the idea of himself as a woman. The term comes from Greek words that mean "love of oneself as a woman". American-Canadian sexologist Ray Blanchard coined the term and used it in a series of academic papers in the 1980s and 1990s to describe "the full gamut of erotically arousing cross-gender behaviors and fantasies". Blanchard's typology also states that autogynephilic transsexuals are attracted to femininity, while homosexual transsexuals are attracted to masculinity.
@marieclaire2 this was well written , sometimes l feel, well l don't know if it guilt or what is is. But why do l dress in women's clothing, l don't know, however do l need to know, is it important to know. I think the more you ask why you do it then you are letting more question and feelings haunt you. Why do we do many things, why am l here , alive. Why ? why ? why ? Why indeed.
We can ask however once we give a reason how do we know that it's the true reason, my thoughts on this is just accept that's the way it is.
@marieclaire2 Interesting article, I am surprised by opening with "You've probably considered seeking psychological help" though. No, not in the least. I don't put much faith in shrinks & I don't see that a complete stranger can really tell me what I feel or think. I may be as shallow as a puddle on a hot day but I do know myself & I certainly don't need a "cure"
Unlike many I didn't hanker after wearing women's clothing from an early age even though I felt more in touch with the girls at school than I did the boys. The whole rough & tumble, football loving laddish culture just didn't appeal to me but it never occurred to me to try on bra's & such back then.
As time progressed things changed on that front but quite why that was is difficult to answer. There was never a lightbulb moment as it were. I think that it was probably just the drip drip effect with a couple of notable moments. One which springs to mind was a trans timeline story I stumbled across online. I was staggered by the change from "before" to "after" & always wondered, what would that be like? Another was sitting in the back of my parents car driving past a shop in Birmingham which did CD makeovers & supplies. A pretty bold business for the late 70's I always fancied visiting it but unsurprisingly the shop didn't last too long.
I don't believe that I am trying to compensate for anything by dressing up, but I am jealous of the fact that women can pretty much wear what they like without it being an issue. I always remember one woman who used to walk past our works in the morning wearing a just above the knee skirt who just looked amazing in it The rest of the guys at work were always Phwoar! check her out, whereas I just admired her style & wished I could do that. I have always had an eye for clothes & frequently go shopping with Mrs B with my inner Gok Wan stylist head on but that started way before I actually wore any of those clothes, perhaps that was part of the drip drip.
The idea of healthy or unhealthy crossdressing has never even occurred to me, these days I don't even consider dressing a thing it's just who I am & what I wear. Where this all came from is a question that doesn't have a simple straightforward answer but I don't really care about the why. I just live for the day & try to enjoy it (& I usually do)
- Nicely written Sasha. I'm with you. I have no idea why, and I don't really need to know why. I just go with the flow xx.
@sashabennett very true, what does a stranger know about any of us. Shrinks try and put people in the one basket, they seem to feel they understand human behaviour and don't recognise us as total individuals with totally different reasons for performing the same way and acting alike
@marieclaire2 I know I am somewhat late to this thread, but you seemed to have nailed it. Many of the things you mention in the post I can totally relate to. I know that throughout my journey I have asked the question why. Over time as well as talking things out, I am realizing that it is not wrong and just something that I enjoy.
@marieclaire2 I became a crossdresser to see, feel and show my legs in pantyhose. I love it, but I think it's nutty.
A thoughtful piece Marie on the ultimate question as to 'Why?', with possibly more questions than answers.
You have highlighted many causatives and many are the spark that leads on such as wearing mothers or sisters clothes but that spark may not come until later in life which could relate to something that happened way back in life. Another question is 'Is that spark already there?', is there something in the psyche that exists but social engineering has hidden it, why do so may come out later in life with no obvious causation throughout life.
Is there something in the theory that genetics or the moment of when the chromosomes were dealt out that still left something of the female. We know that there are Alpha males and the womens equivalent and a lot between. Boyish girls and girlish boys and opposite sex characteristics but that does not mean they will have a trigger in them nor identify as other than the sex they were born with. Is this an ideology worth considering.
You don't have to identify as Transgender to allow your feminine persona to prevail. Your as the desire to identify as a woman is at the forefront whether crossdresser or Trans. Some like myself have realised that this is the body I was born with and has not let that fact get in the way of ambitions to live as a woman. Naturally I developed as a male and did the conformity but never lost sight of the female inside thus was my balance, along with a decision some years back that I would forgo the pleasures of a relationship knowing this could lead to conflict as my desire was clear. I know there are some who may share the thought but made the decision to try to hide behind the macho image and can understand the issues endured and the reasons why.
As a child realised that the girls wore nicer clothes and as I evolved through my youth to teenager it developed into knowing that the need to wear the clothes and be like them was what I was about, the spark was already there, opportunities to express this were taken.
I had sisters and a mother that would dress me up and would dress for fun but also in secret too as this was the real me. It became clear I wasn't an Alpha male but with male hormones coursing through me life took on the image but the tinder was quietly smoldering away until it became a full blown fire.
I am in essence a crossdresser that has transformed into the woman I wanted to be by changing my gender and appearance but not biological sex. I am now living my dream.
`
Marie, love your insight into why we do this. For me it is an inner feminine feeling that I want to express. The clothing, wigs, and makeup are just tools to achieve my desired look. I feel very comfortable presenting as Julie, I know I will never fully be a women and that is not my objective. I feel like a full person when I can present my feminine side. I spend most of my time as masculine, so the times I can let out my feminine side is so very precious to me.
Like all of us who do this sometime I question why I like being dual gendered. For me it is just a lot of fun, especially spending some girl time with friends, I do worry about how this will affect my relationship with my wife. She is not supportive and I do not do this to hurt her. This I do for myself, and I love the feeling of feminine energy, the excitement of the transition from male to female.
Julie
Thank you for the article Marie, it still leaves me with why but with a little more understanding. Never thought about it until reading this, the fact that I was raised at first without a male role model since my dad died when I was 2 and mom didn't remarry till I was 8, when I suddenly had an instant sister. I was always more comfortable with spending time with my mother and step sister than my step dad and brother and while I'm writing this, I'm thinking maybe that was the start of my love to cross dress. For what ever reason though I've always loved it, never felt shame from it and yes in my teen years there was some sexual gratification to it, but now it makes me feel good and sometimes very sexy. The day just doesn't feel right if I didn't put on my bra and panties, heck that's the only underwear that I own, and now getting older has made me realize that I am who I am and I feel good about it.
Sherri
I have always enjoyed getting all dolled up for self gratification. Until I was Thirty and realized I could give myself to another, which then I realized, gratifying others was even better, and much more fun.
I have always enjoyed getting all dolled up for self gratification. Until I was Thirty and realized I could give myself to another, which then I realized, gratifying others was even better, and much more fun.
I really connected to this article. The questions have interested and plagued me both. I have always admired women's clothing. Moreso since I have become more open (to myself) about cross dressing. I admired it always - but didn't realize it. Like many describe, thinking back on it now - was I desiring this/that woman or was I wanting to look or feel like that. Sexual pleasure - yes. But I started dressing before puberty. So there was something else there. And now it's not so much about the sexual pleasure. When my SO was away for several days, I just sat in the living room dressed and content as I could be. No overwhelming desire sexually.
I agree firmly that therapy/counseling is healthy. As a forum like this one is helpful (over strictly sex/fetish forums for sure). I'm working on a couple of CD friendships as well. Someone you can let your hair down with - pardon the pun. It's an interesting journey. Lots of stumbles, again no pun intended. Lots of side paths that don't lead anywhere healthy. I feel much better about who I am.
I really connected to this article. The questions have interested and plagued me both. I have always admired women's clothing. Moreso since I have become more open (to myself) about cross dressing. I admired it always - but didn't realize it. Like many describe, thinking back on it now - was I desiring this/that woman or was I wanting to look or feel like that. Sexual pleasure - yes. But I started dressing before puberty. So there was something else there. And now it's not so much about the sexual pleasure. When my SO was away for several days, I just sat in the living room dressed and content as I could be. No overwhelming desire sexually.
I agree firmly that therapy/counseling is healthy. As a forum like this one is helpful (over strictly sex/fetish forums for sure). I'm working on a couple of CD friendships as well. Someone you can let your hair down with - pardon the pun. It's an interesting journey. Lots of stumbles, again no pun intended. Lots of side paths that don't lead anywhere healthy. I feel much better about who I am.
I can truly relate to so much of this piece Marie. I did not begin to actively crossdress until about two years ago at age 69. I told myself at the time that I would try not to over analyze the situation as it might detract from the pleasure and satisfaction I experienced from the activity.Having been through much therapy over the years to try to address what one psychologist termed a gaping hole in my psyche, this seemed to fill the void. Without being able to articulate it tho, I did understand exactly what I was doing...compensating for my dissatisfaction in my male personality on many levels. I thought that unique and unusual as I had not heard this addressed.by anyone..until now. Just as surely as I was so happy to find i was hardly alone in my crossdressing pursuits, I am equally validated to hear my background is not unusual either. I thank you for bringing that to light, and can now explain to myself and others something that until now I could not put into words.
I can truly relate to so much of this piece Marie. I did not begin to actively crossdress until about two years ago at age 69. I told myself at the time that I would try not to over analyze the situation as it might detract from the pleasure and satisfaction I experienced from the activity.Having been through much therapy over the years to try to address what one psychologist termed a gaping hole in my psyche, this seemed to fill the void. Without being able to articulate it tho, I did understand exactly what I was doing...compensating for my dissatisfaction in my male personality on many levels. I thought that unique and unusual as I had not heard this addressed.by anyone..until now. Just as surely as I was so happy to find i was hardly alone in my crossdressing pursuits, I am equally validated to hear my background is not unusual either. I thank you for bringing that to light, and can now explain to myself and others something that until now I could not put into words.
I recall many moments in my early years that started me on my crossdressing journey. They are too numerous to recount here, but many of them have been related here: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/your-crosdressing-origins/#post-765555
I know that I used to get tingly when my mom's skirt would brush against my leg. It was a love/hate relationship. It was a somewhat scary feeling, but it also felt good. I relate it to why people come back to watching scary movies because it elicites the same kind of reaction.
I have plenty of male influence in my family. I had a dad who lived at home, and I was the oldest of 3 boys with an older sister. So I don't think it is any form of male inadequecy.
I liked the feeling of a silky skirt or slip against my legs, or a silky slip or top against my bare skin. I had little other desires in crossdressing for many years. It was my desire to just be able to go out in public (after seeing many others on the internet) that caused me to go for my first makeover at a nearby transformation place and dinner with the woman afterwards.
I don't feel I have a need for therapy. Unlike most people, I can tell you why I crossdress. There are no secrets that a therapist is going to unlock that I don't already know. There is no longer guilt or shame when I dress. I do it because it was something I found pleasureable in my very early childhood and it has now become comfortable (and sometimes pleasurable too).
I can't say I know what it's like to live as a woman, but having taken a few small steps into the gender gap chasm, I have become more aware. After seeing so many crossdressers who look beautiful but have a deep male voice I have learned that gender (and gender expression) is not as important as I once thought it was.
Although I have learned to enjoy fully presenting female (particularly when going out), I'm just as happy presenting as a male in women's clothing at home.
I recall many moments in my early years that started me on my crossdressing journey. They are too numerous to recount here, but many of them have been related here: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/your-crosdressing-origins/#post-765555
I know that I used to get tingly when my mom's skirt would brush against my leg. It was a love/hate relationship. It was a somewhat scary feeling, but it also felt good. I relate it to why people come back to watching scary movies because it elicites the same kind of reaction.
I have plenty of male influence in my family. I had a dad who lived at home, and I was the oldest of 3 boys with an older sister. So I don't think it is any form of male inadequecy.
I liked the feeling of a silky skirt or slip against my legs, or a silky slip or top against my bare skin. I had little other desires in crossdressing for many years. It was my desire to just be able to go out in public (after seeing many others on the internet) that caused me to go for my first makeover at a nearby transformation place and dinner with the woman afterwards.
I don't feel I have a need for therapy. Unlike most people, I can tell you why I crossdress. There are no secrets that a therapist is going to unlock that I don't already know. There is no longer guilt or shame when I dress. I do it because it was something I found pleasureable in my very early childhood and it has now become comfortable (and sometimes pleasurable too).
I can't say I know what it's like to live as a woman, but having taken a few small steps into the gender gap chasm, I have become more aware. After seeing so many crossdressers who look beautiful but have a deep male voice I have learned that gender (and gender expression) is not as important as I once thought it was.
Although I have learned to enjoy fully presenting female (particularly when going out), I'm just as happy presenting as a male in women's clothing at home.
Wonderful article! Very timely as I just asked for a referral to a sex therapist for this very topic, and helping me find that balance.
Wonderful article! Very timely as I just asked for a referral to a sex therapist for this very topic, and helping me find that balance.
I am 75 years old and have been going out enfemme on and off since 1978 or 9. I have struggled on and off over the years. I saw a psychologist in my 30s. She gave me some insight into who I am, but no clear cut answers of why. Later on I came to the conclusion that if I did find the answer of Why ?, it wouldn't really change anything. My keyword in my life is Balance.
