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The picture above is the first one I have submitted to this forum without any alterations. On the previous two, I used a SnapChat feminization filter that made me look younger and prettier than I actually am. I used it for two reasons: I liked the way it made me look, and my wife asked me not to go public with my real image.
We've been married more than 41 years. To my shame and sorrow, I did not tell her about Moira. Instead, we played out the game so many of us have had to play. Inevitably, she found my girl things and confronted me. Her first question: “Is there another woman?” Realizing I had no choice, I told her the truth: I am a crossdresser. Every person reading this can predict the next two questions: “Are you gay?” and “Do you want to become a woman?” My answer to both was, “no.” Since then we have talked about Moira quite a lot, and now my wife accepts this part of me. She buys me scarves and lotions. Last week, we went to the thrift store together. She bought a pair of boots, a pair of jeans, a skirt and a top - all for herself. I (in guy mode) got a cute top with a pink floral pattern over a navy background. The clerk didn't blink.
My wife has clearly expressed her honest feelings about Moira. She would prefer not to see me in girl mode. She doesn't want our family—or anybody not connected with the CD community, for that matter—to know about this side of me. I can (and do) go out in public, but not in our town. When I go out, I may not wear my wig until I've driven well away from our neighborhood. And so on. I accept these rules because she has accepted me. All of me. I consider this a good bargain and I honor it.
The other times I have posted photos here I received flattering comments about my appearance. I tried to respond to all of them individually, making it clear the images of me they mention do not show the reality of my actual appearance. One person even challenged a memory I related about a certain event in our national past. “You can't possibly be old enough to remember that,” she said. “Well yes, I can,” I replied, because, again, I used a filter for that image. When I told my wife about these interactions, she asked, “Why don't you put up a picture of the real you? I don't care if a crossdressers' forum sees you.”
So here you go.
I do NOT want anybody thinking I see myself, or my marriage, as exemplary. But I would like to lift up one thing for your consideration. Over the course of our time together, my wife and I have gone from me hiding Moira from her, to the big reveal and the feelings of betrayal it created in her, to begrudging acceptance, to support and even permission to explore Moira’s identity. How did this happen? Honest communication. And more honest communication.
If you have not already started down this path with your significant other, I encourage you to try doing so. The reward is likely worth the risk.
Moira,
I’m relatively new here, I went back and read your articles and saw both your older and current pictures and you are beautiful! Thanks for the articles. My wife is accepting and while she has seen Rachel dressed, she prefers not to. I do my best to ensure my clothes, and makeup are all put away before she comes home. This is a challenge and I find myself revisiting my path at least twice to make sure I don’t leave anything, even a towelette with makeup on it visible, sometimes in a rush just before she returns. Going out with her while dressed will likely never happen, but your wife gave you such a gift by doing that. I think we all see acceptance, and not having that is a disappointment. Really enjoyed your articles - Thank you!
R.
Rachel, thanks for your kind and affirming response. I just went back and read all three of my posts and I saw how large a part my wife played in them all. I must kind of like her! 😉 She clearly loves me and I am one lucky person. And when I say “one”, I mean both sides of me. Thanks again.
This. I relate 100%! At the time it seemed like a decent compromise, but the stress of covering your tracks is starting to get old…
A lovely encouraging story Moira.
I have gone through the same sequence of discussions with my wife and we are at the point where I have dressed in her presence and gone shopping with her. She even met the woman who does my makeovers. I cannot agree with you more about the need for more and more honest discussion.
Moira -
Thank you for sharing your story. It is nice to hear that your wife has accepted you for who you are. Like you when I came out to my wife she asked me the same questions and I replied the same way. She felt betrayed and didn't want to talk about it for some time. Eventually she spoke with someone and we started to talk. She recommended therapy for me to understand my feelings. I've been in therapy since and it has helped me tremendously. My wife has become more accepting and has bought clothes and make up for me. As you said communication is very important.
Thank you for creating an opportunity for others to share their experience.
XOXO
Suzanne
PS you look fantastic
Thank you so much--especially for that last line! My wife says that when people see Moira but don't get a good look at my face, they think, "That's a tall woman!" I am happy that you and your wife care enough to put in the work. I have high hopes for your relationship.
Thank you Moira - as you know it is a work in progress - I always hope I'll be able to do some of the things you mention - as the saying goes "patience is a virtue" - I am able to do more now than I was before and appreciate that I can - one day at a time
XOXO
Suzanne
Moira,
thank you for sharing such a wonderful story relating your wife’s acceptance of your crossdressing.. the photo of the “real” Moira is very elegant…
unfortunately, my wife met Leonara by accident and of course she felt betrayed . We talked.. I answered the questions “no not gay” and once in awhile I prefer to present my feminine alter ego…she has mentioned CD is a part of me which she continues to process and for now prefers that I dress when she is not home… that is a compromise that has kept our 50 years marriage status quo…
Moira , give your wife a hug for all of us she is very special.. Warmest regards, Leonara
Moira your story gives me hope I have been attracted to women's clothing since I was very young like others I would wear my sister’s clothes when ever I had the chance after getting married I would occasionally try on some of my wife’s clothes I know how wrong that was. I now have my own wardrobe and have been out in public many times but have still not had the talk with my wife recently I have been thinking it’s time she knows the truth about my Crossdressing and thanks to stories like yours I will find the courage. Thank you!
Only you can know how she might react, but if it is at all possible I think telling her is far better than her discovering it on her own. Courage!
Moira,
First of all, you are lucky to be married to such a special lady.
Second of all, you look lovely as your real self.
Thanks for telling us your story.
Fiona
Thanks for sharing.
Moira: What a delightful picture. The charm and poise you exude remind me of another Maura of Rizzoli and Isles fame. I found your story compelling in that I am of a similar age. In my case it was my wife who insisted on bringing out my 'girl' side, which I was unaware of, as I was of a macho jock mindset, only to then have her dump me for the best man from our wedding. Albeit only after completely emasculating me before friends, family and associates in a manner that changed my life dramatically, in that I went from successful executive to bouncing between being a lowly domestic for various couples and a waitressing position at a truck stop off the Jersey Turnpike Thankfully one of the women I wound up working for fell in love with me and moved us to NH, where we had a wonderful life for some forty years before she recently passed away. Needless to say I was and still remain devastated, however she gave me the fortitude and confidence to live my life to the fullest, even though I have remained a domestic by trade until this very day. To wit although some will still ridicule me when out in public, the majority of the people who have come to know me in the town I live in are mostly receptive, albeit most often with attitudes of superiority. Something I have accepted as my due given my social status, however I wouldn't change things for the world, as I am most happy with where life has taken me. I say this to let you know that while your life may not be the fullest one that you might like, it sounds like you have a blessed one compared to so many of our sisters. I totally agree with you about the importance of open communication, for I wouldn't have ever had the blessed life that I did with with Sally if i hadn't ben open and honest about the fact that I was content to be a maid for a woman like her when others were trying to convince me to go back to what I then saw as my failed manhood. To that end i am happy for you that your wife has been wiling to grow, and as such I would encourage you to find ways that benefit or bless her while you are in Moira mode. I would love to chat sometimes via email, or by phone although I am not sure how to go about that, in that the previous time I left a message with my email address it was removed with a message stating that CDH does not allow that exchange of information. Nevertheless I would love to hear more about you and your experiences here, as I am sure I would have similar remembrances to those of your own, which have as you stated generated a similar reply of: “You can’t possibly be old enough to remember that.”, which I find oddly comforting and complimentary. May the Lord bless you and your marriage. Appreciatively yours, Gracie
Wow. So much sadness. I am impressed by your resiliency. I cannot "chat" as that would involve sharing an email address and that violates my wife's and my agreement. Happy to go back and forth in these comments, though I am not sure how many people can see what we might share. And the historical event was the funeral parade for JFK.
Dear Moira: I understand the established boundaries in regards to your wife's desires and I respect them, especially in light of some of the dramatic changes I willingly went through in trying to keep the woman I loved placated. Unfortunately in my case my former wife at the time was not willing to reciprocate with anything approaching a quid-pro-quo, for at the end of the day it was all her way or the highway, resulting in my unconditionally surrendering to all her terms. Ones that not only included a trio of changes of a emasculating physical nature, but an even greater number of emotional ones as well, which in the moment brought me to a 'wanna-curl-up-and-die outlook on life. Albeit in the end however none of the humiliations I endured did anything to remove the joy I came to realize over having become a lowly domestic for my betters, in that it was a scenario I believe life always intended me to fill. I know that most, but especially an arrogant jock as I had led myself and others to always believe I was, would be put off by that notion, however I not only came to accept my plight with a smile when her and her lover channeled me into being their submissive servant, but I even found myself at peace when she eventually showed me the door after serving their every need for the better part of two years. To wit I came to see all that transpired as both my manifest destiny, as well as being in my own best interests, in that it led to my finding the true love of my life, who I adored until the day she passed.. As for the historical event you mentioned I remember it quite well, as I was in the sixth grade at the time, with an Irish Catholic mother and grandmother who both worshipped the ground JFK walked on. In closing I see that there is a means for exchanging 'private' communications on this site, to wit if you ever desire to communicate further I am willing to do so in that regard, although my life is an open book and I would have no problem with furthering any future 'personal' dialogs utilizing this format as well. Regardless be blessed and happy in all that you do. Appreciatively yours, Gracie.
Moira, I’m glad you and your wife have what you have. And that goes for all of you who have had the talk and who’s wives have let your feminine selves into your marriages, in some shape or form.
My problem is, that seeing me as Raquel would not make my wife happy. In fact, it would probably make her unhappy. And that goes against my commitment to being the one in her life who should always have her happiness in mind, foremost.
I shared a two-part article about some little things that exposed bits and pieces of Raquel over the years. They didn’t bring our marriage crashing down, but her reactions, leave me clearly understanding on where she stands.
I WANT her to be happy. And I’m happy with the status quo. Would I love it if she were like some of your wives? Tolerant to accepting to fully embracing? Yes. But, would I trade her? Absolutely not.
Some may ask, “what about your happiness?”
Trust me when I say, I’m happy.
Well written. Thank you for sharing. It's articles like this that keep me coming back to CDH.
Good advice Moira. Honest communication!!But be very careful everyone -- if I hear it is ok for me to do one thing (like shopping en femme) BE REAL SURE like where you can go,what you can wear (if you sometimes go over the top there) and maybe if you should avoid people you both may know.
Cassie
Thank you so much for sharing this, Moira. I honestly think that the real Moira looks great - I would love to look as good. I love your advice also - which is so relevant for someone like me, who is just about to introduce Gemma to my SO.
Moira
I am just seeing your post and appreciate and understand your story on a personal level. I came out to my wife about 2 years ago after being married for almost 40 years. She has known about my dressing for almost as long as we have been married but never really wanted to know. Our recent journey has been serious and with a lot of ups and downs; however, we love each other and although she is not interested or necessarily happy with my dressing, she is tolerant and gives me space to do it with some firm boundaries for the time being. It sounds as if you both are farther along on this journey then we are, so I hold out hope that we can navigate whatever comes up as I am not sure how my attitude will change in the future. I do know that dressing is part of who I am, and I need to find joy wherever I can.
Thanks for sharing,
Evie
Eva, I am so sorry not to have replied sooner. I don't check this site very often (as you can tell). My wife is a wonderful person and that helps me respect her wishes. Sounds like you may have a similar relationship. I sure hope so. Because we both know we will never stop needing to express our feminine identity.
Moira
No worries - I actually like Eva or Eve. My wife also understands that I will never stop although she is concerned that I will want to transition. I admit I have mixed feelings about all of this, and the thrill of dressing certainly does not seem less intense as time goes on. I would love to hear how your journey is going. The two of us continue to work on issues that in the larger context seem minor, since, at the end of the day, we are committed as partners and love each other.
Hugs
Eve
