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The Wife Finds Out
A lot has been written about crossdressing as an art form, a social activity and a hobby/fetish/perversion/past-time, lol. Not as much has been written about how men deal with their wives, girlfriends or significant others vis a vis crossdressing.
I must divulge my personal situation as background. I became a full-fledged MtF crossdresser later in life. Unlike many others, I had no inkling as a younger person that I would be inclined to cross-dress. I mainly live my life as a “guy's guy”, but I do love my feminine side. It is hard to imagine not being unable to go out in public as a sexy woman (well, my version). Not being able to wear a skirt, pantyhose, bra, breast-forms, wig, scarf, jewelry, my cowgirl boots and some sexy Elizabeth Arden “5th Avenue” perfume would make me deeply unhappy. At first, I hid my crossdressing from my wife of more than thirty years. This was easy since I own a place in the lake country where I go by myself. I dressed and took my pictures there in privacy.
I was undone in a peculiar way. I had ordered women's clothes online and my wife had opened a few of the parcels when they arrived and discovered I was buying women's clothes. Eventually she did ask “Who are these for?” I realized it was time to tell her. We discussed it and she asked the usual question, “Are you gay?” Nope, not Gay! “Why do you want to do it?” Gee, I'm not sure really. “You sure you're not gay?” Yep, I'm not gay. Some may say that as a man's testosterone declines with age he becomes interested in crossdressing. I don't know if that is true but I do know that there are plenty of younger men who like to cross-dress and they probably have plenty of male hormone. Others, even members of my crossdressing club, say “We love women so much we just want a little of that adulation for ourselves.” That may be true also. Regardless of the reasons we do it, there are a lot of men who like and need to present as women. Many crossdressers will often present in more dramatic, sexier, tighter form-fitting clothes. I know I prefer that.
The question I have is “how should a crossdressing guy deal with the woman in his life?” Or even “how should she deal with him?” It is only fair to tell a woman that you are getting romantically involved with that you are a crossdresser. I do know some men who have divulged that they are crossdressers have had their romantic interest end their relationship. But there are women out there who can take it in stride and not destroy what could be a great relationship. It takes patience. Lots of patience.
It seems to me that the most common situation is older men who have long been married and often have children. For whatever reason he may develop his interest in crossdressing in his 50s or 60s. I did. This makes things a whole lot more complicated. Both people have a lot invested in the relationship. Typically, years, if not decades. They likely have a wife and children and don’t want to damage their family. This situation is often complicated by the financial ramifications of marriage. So the question becomes “Should I tell her?” Or “How do I hide my dressing from my wife?” This is where things get tricky. For me, even with a place in the country my wife still found out, I was just lucky that she has a healthy attitude about it. Other dressers have told me I am blessed.
I can tell you that my anxiety level dropped precipitously after I discussed it with her, and I saw she was generally ok with it. I didn't have to hide it anymore and I brought most of my girly stuff closer to home where I can make much better use of it. I have modeled some outfits for her to comment on before I go out. Her comments are appreciated. I still like my skirts and dresses shorter than she does, and that's ok. This could be an important point if you think your SO might be accepting of CD girls. You will not know unless you discuss it with her. Now we come to the sticky part.
If you are deathly afraid to tell the SO because you think she will have a bad reaction that has to be weighed against your anxiety level and the thought that she might make you purge all your girly things. How would that make you feel? Not very good I will bet. Maybe you can give her the benefit of the doubt and she may surprise you. You may have already had an indication that she is not receptive – for example, she has already made negative comments about crossdressers. That probably doesn't make you feel great either. I have had some other CD girls tell me that their wives say to them once they find out “You can crossdress just don't let me ever see you dressed like a woman”. So, this makes me wonder if both sides now have a problem that will fester.
Let me end on a happy note. We know that the need to crossdress does not go away even if you purge your girly wardrobe. It will come back. If your significant other says, like some do, “I still want my guy but let me try to understand this. Maybe we can adapt so that you can do this and I won't feel threatened by it or that you are going to leave me. Maybe we could even go out to dinner together as girlfriends.” Now you have a gem!
So where do we go from here? Rather than knuckle under and say “Okay, I won't do my crossdressing anymore”, you might be better advised to communicate with her and say “I'm not gay, I don't want to get together with a man (unless you really do) and I want to stay with you – you are my wife! We can keep it secret between you and me.
If she says “I'm really dead set against this. I don't like it, and I don't want you to do it anymore”. If you agree to that you can be secure in the knowledge that you will become very resentful, and it will affect your relationship with her. In some cases, a serious depression could be around the corner for you. You must be true to yourself in the end. There is much more to say about this but one thing I am sure of is if you are a crossdresser, you won't be happy without being able express and present as a woman.
Fatima
@fatima Fatima, I think you've just about covered all possible outcomes, and very articulately too. I am not out to my wife, and all these possibilities constantly jostle for position in my brain. I have no idea what the future holds 😂. Thank you xx.
Not as much has been written about how men deal with their wives, girlfriends or significant others vis a vis crossdressing.
Actually, quite a bit has been written about this on CDH. This is an important reason for this site to be a prominent feature on the Internet, as a resource for crossdressers and researchers.
It seems to me that the most common situation is older men who have long been married and often have children. For whatever reason he may develop his interest in crossdressing in his 50s or 60s.
Maybe not the most common situation, but it is certainly worthy of proper research.
As the wife of a crossdresser who came out to me after I found out and not by choice, but because I stumbled across the truth — I really relate to so much of what you've said, and I wanted to share my own experience.
One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with since finding out has been around trust. My initial reaction, once I got over the shock, was, Why couldn’t he trust me enough to tell me? It’s been a huge hurdle for us. That old saying “When the trust is gone, what do you have left?” wow, that really hit home.
For a long time, that loss of trust changed how I saw everything else in our relationship. I questioned so much. But I will say, we are slowly rebuilding that trust, and in many ways, I feel like we’re getting to know each other in a more honest and open way now.
Like your wife, I also found packages of women's clothing arriving at the house, and it completely threw me. At first, I genuinely thought he was having an affair. I had no context, no understanding of this world just a feeling of betrayal and confusion. So I completely get where your wife might have been emotionally.
But something strange happened for me too , once the truth was out I also felt a kind of relief. It was like, ohhh, okay, this is what you've been hiding all this time. I can't really explain it properly, but I'd always felt like there was something unspoken in our relationship, a sense that something wasn’t quite whole — and suddenly, things made more sense. I could see a new kind of wholeness in him, and that has brought a peace.
What I’ve really come to realise is how hidden and misunderstood the world of crossdressing is. Unlike the broader LGBTQ+ community — who’ve made themselves visible and fought for acceptance — crossdressing remains largely invisible. I was never taught anything about it in school or at work. I had no experience other than the occasional man in a dress on the street, and I’ll be honest back then, I did think it was weird. I didn’t understand, because I’d never been educated. So of course the first questions that pop into your mind are, “Are you gay?” or “Is this a fetish?” because those are the only narratives we’ve ever heard.
I spent months reading, researching, trying to make sense of it all. And it was only after that effort that I started to believe and really understand what my husband was telling me. I think that’s key , the partners who aren’t willing to do the research, to try to understand, are the ones who often end up walking away.
I also wonder a lot about whether he should have told me in the beginning. And honestly? I don’t know what I would have done if he had. Would I have buried my head in the sand and walked away before I fell in love with him? I genuinely can’t answer that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say — thank you for sharing your story so openly. It means so much to know we’re not alone, and I really believe these conversations are how we all grow — as partners, as couples, as humans.
Sending hugs - Laura 
@bellaz76 thanks for sharing your story from the other side. The trust thing you spoke of it why I am glad I told my wife rather than her finding out. It was still hard but I think it made things better. That being said, I know how terrified I was to tell her, so I understand why people don't tell. It took me 3 months from the time I decided I needed to tell her until I did.
@ladycindy I am very glad you did manage to tell her, like you say i imagine this helped her hugely!
@bellaz76 You are an old soul Laura. Your depth of understanding of our crossdressing craziness is both heartwarming and reassuring to me. I also love how you do not shy away from examining every dark corner of this most fascinating subject. Sending hugs back lady🥰
GP
@gracepal thanks Grace , I've no idea where this all comes from but I suppose I have always been inquisitive about things I don't know plus I'm my own kinda crazy anyway lol this has helped hugely this end. I just think you are all so wonderful and I have only found love and care here , what more could I want. Thank you for your kindness and sending you lots of love right back. Xx
@bellaz76 Thank you for your wonderful comment Laura, it helps me to want to continue contributing.
I could see a new kind of wholeness in him, and that has brought a peace.
@bellaz76 When I read this, I thought of the Hebrew word "shalom." "Shalom" is usually defined as peace, but is also a homonym (same spelling) of the word "shalem," meaning whole or complete. (Hebrew is often written without vowels.) We sometimes equate the two, saying that "shalom" doesn't mean inner quiet, but also a sense of wholeness.
@alison-anderson Shalom reminds me of a very funny comedy series in the UK called 'Friday Night Dinner' , if you have not watched before it is 'hilarious' and that word features heavily.
@bellaz76 HiYa, thx for your compelling argument for honesty. Frankly, this is a very, very difficult issue we must face. I don't like to hide things from my wife but I do not tell her everything as in some ways we are very different. I underdressed in women's panties for a long time which she knew about cuz they went into the general washing load. Why I did that is just a no-brainer they are so nice/comfy. She did ask way back when if I was a CD girl and I said no. Truthfully, I didn't know myself but this thing has a way of escalating. And with me it did escalate and after a slow start escalated quickly when I saw how pleasing my look was (at least to me). When we first got together if she had asked me whether I liked/tolerated crossdressers I would not have known what to say as I had no opinion. Like many things in life it is something in flux. Thx for your comment Laura.
@bellaz76 Laura, I would like to thank you for giving us the partner's perspective, it is to easy for each of us to get wrapped up in our own desires. Most of us have family who we love very much and don't want to hurt.
Myself, the way I was caught dressing, then exposed to my kids helped me to come out to the point where I am now. After some counseling I have decided I am just a CD and not fully Trans. But because I am very comfortable presenting as Cassie full time I do. I would like to go back and forth, going full fem every day all day is a lot of work. But in my mind I feel that many would look at me as a fetishist, I would rather they think of me as Trans.
Cassie
@fatima Fatima, I so agree with you and add that there are all shades of in-between on our Cd and our partners acceptance.
As I have mentioned before our own desire to CD will likely vary from day to day, month to month. AND our SO is likely to be all over the place also. One day comfortable with us in full fem mode with all day then the next not only doesn't want to see it but tells you YOU HAVE TO QUIT.
Myself I present as Cassie 24/7 . One day we can go shopping together. Then a couple hours later I am told that I am a man and men don't wear women's clothes.
Cassie
@loneleycd I am sorry for that. Women can often change their minds and they can do it in a nanosecond. Mind you I change my mind a lot too.
@fatima As for any of us with a significant other, telling them can be a hard thing. But if they truly love you and you are 100% honest with them. They should accept your desire to dress. I often state men who wear panties can't cheat on their wives! LOL If a person just wants to wear clothes not designed for them to wear, then who are they hurting? Crossdressing isn't even a fetish any more! It is accepted in society and even on commercials nowadays. Victoria's Secret has a gender neutral line of clothes for everyone.
My wife is onboard with who I am, even though she doesn't agree with me 100%! I say tell them your desire to dress, but don't hit them hard about it! If they truly care and love you, they will accept crossdressing.
Hi Fatima,
Thank you so much for sharing your story so openly... it’s honest, deeply human, and speaks to the complexity of navigating this part of ourselves in long-term relationships.
What stood out to me most was your courage. Coming out to your wife couldn’t have been easy, and yet you did it with love, care, and honesty. That takes strength.
You also raised a great point about the “gray area” reactions, like “just don’t let me see it.” Those compromises can sometimes keep the peace, but they often leave everyone a little isolated. There’s so much more healing and intimacy possible when both partners are willing to talk through it.
Thank you again for being so generous with your experience. You're helping pave the way for others who are still figuring out how to take that first brave step.
Mia ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts. Communication is always key to a good relationship, but revealing something like being TG or CD can certainly put a twist in things. Another reaction can also be that the spouse becomes hurt because you didn't trust her to tell her before. That you hid it away which causes her to lose trust in you as well.
Everyone has to find their own answer to the "tell" or "don't tell" question. Definitely not any easy answer to that.
Much love,
April
@aprilrhaynes I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head April. I came out to my wife a little over a year ago. She is supportive of my dressing, although she expressed a feeling of betrayal that I did not tell her sooner. It has been much easier to live with no secrets between us.
Jules
Fatima, Thankyou so much for telling us your story. Yes of course if you tell your wife or partner there are so many possible outcomes. For me, our love for each other has been cemented in trust as there is now no secrets, No anxiety and no distrust.
For me although it is not for everyone. Coming out to my wife was the best thing I ever did.
Cheers Gwen
Great article and thank you for sharing. I recently came to the end of this journey after several month of anxiety about telling her. I was lucky because I knew she was not hostile to CD and we have a friend who is in the process of fully transitioning. But there was still a lot of anxiety over how she would actually respond to it being me and if it would damage our relationship. I told here a couple of weeks ago and for a while it changed things as she processed things and asked questions. I tried to answer as honestly as I could and what I would say was fairly quickly we have returned mostly to normal, although I would say we are talking more.
In the end I would say I am glad I told her. I think if she had discovered it on her own it would have been a lot harder. In general I think being open is the best way, but everyone's situation is different and you know yours. But be true to you.
Great OP and even better reponse from Laura. It is great to get a spouses perspective of such things. While I do not mean to lessen Fatima's heart filled post, we get many such perspectives here, so it is great to get the "other sides" first hand view.
While I only have an "n" of one, having been married to the same woman for forty years, I have always thought the worse reaction a spouse would have to such a discovery is the hiding, and lack of honesty of such a revelation. I fully understand why so many hide this from their spouse. We even try to hide from ourselves by purging or denighing our desires exist. Of course our spouses are confused to suddenly learn of this, especially with no time to process by finding packages or other such things. Of course they are upset, scared, confused...who wouldn't be.
As others have mentioned, having your spouse know is an incredible relief to us. We do not have to hide and feel guilty, not just about our dressing, but that we are hiding it. My wife has known since the first day I slipped on a pair of panties. My dressing has evoloved slowly since that first day, and I have pretty much let her know about my progression, which for me has always made my life so much simpler. I still found it hard to admit my progression, but she has been fine with it. While she would be fine if I did not dress, her response is, "I know it makes you happy, and if you are happy I am happy." Needless to say she is a gem.
We all know our own spouses better then others do, so I am in no way saying do what I did, but with honest communication and education we may just be surprised at how accepting, or at least tolerant our spouse can be.
