The World That Was

Candice-thanks for sharing! My ex found out about Cyn less than a year into my marriage and she was not accepting of it or even mildly tolerant. She almost left them but stayed after I begged her not to leave. For another dozen years I tried to stop as I had promised but as I now realize that was never really going to happen and we split up. It’s just not something that she or many women can or want to deal with and I respect that. We remain cordial to this day(after an initial acrimony during the divorce period itself. I don’t know where my path will lead me out I know that wherever it does , Cyn will always be there.
Cyn

My s.o. thought it was a joke. It was early in our relationship when I told her I liked panties. She was indifferent. So I left it at that. Then on my birthday she gave me some womens under things. Naturally I thought that meant she was cool with it and I could be me. The next time I had a day of dressing I took pictures of myself. I sent her one. Tasteful but obvious. Big mistake. She lost her mind. All of a sudden I was a fag and wanted a sex change. I mean it was nasty.
We have been together now 10 yrs. We got through that period but I dont dress in front of her and that is putting unneeded strain on us both. Oh well another topic maybe.

My ex- found out about my cding from a joint credit card after I bought some items (bra, panties heels) from Victorias Secret. She accused me of being gay and even with counseling, led to an ugly divorce. My current wife gives me a bit of space, but isn't aware of Lorrie. Not sure of her reaction if I told her...

HI Candace,

Just finished reading your article and a lot of what you wrote was very familiar territory to me.

To address your questions, I met my first wife when I was 20, and by then I had been crossdressing for about 8 years, completely in the closet, going through the entire shame purging cycle over and over.

We did not live together before we were married. When we started living together, it was while I was going to school (again) and we had an apartment. I didn't have much room to have a stash of femme items, so I mostly used hers on the sly. She was big enough and I was small enough that her clothes fit me. So my dressing was very low key however I desperately wanted to share my feelings. Eventually we moved back in with her mother while we looked for a house together, and it was during that time that I finally got up the nerve to tell her. It was a complete disaster. I was told that she never wanted for me to ever wear anything belonged to her again, and that she never ever wanted to see me dressed EVER.

So Rikki was consigned to the deepest part of the closet she could get to. The dressing stopped for awhile, but eventually started again. As did some sexual experimentation, since at one point I imagined that, like you, I was gay (except I never really found men attractive...but the thoughts of being dressed on my knees in front of a man and giving him head seemed to me to be the ultimate female act so I indulged myself a few times.

My need to come out of the closet was overwhelming, and with the advent of the internet, and the idea that so many crossdressers existed got me hooked on sneaking around in chat rooms and web sites that I should not have been exploring....eventually got caught, big bad blow up of first marriage, kids caught in middle, my crossdressing and sexual experimentation told to whomever would listen.

So when I eventually came out the other side of my wormhole and still in one piece, I met someone else, told them almost right away that I was a crossdresser. We have been together for 16 years now, she still doesn't accept it totally but she is slowly less and less uncomfortable with it.

I am mindful of not pushing my boundaries too far. I still live in a small world where its not a good idea to go around in a skirt and heels, but I do so when I can.

Hopefully we can be friends.

Thank you for showing me that its not just me, 20 years married and just wanted to be truthful the pressure of all the lies ..the truth will set you free..? divorced now and what happened !! just wanted to be more feminine, but like you gay would be okay ...but more feminine not acceptable..!
maybe the journey ahead will? sorry I don't know

I told my current wife about my CD about 6 months into our dating. I knew if we were to proceed forward, She needed to know and decide all on her own if she could accept it as part of our lives. That week was very stressful to say the least! While it does not do anything for her, she is accepting of it, buys me lingerie and make up and will on occasion do my make up. While I wished it would excite her and was a turn on for her. We recently had a long discussion , which went well, about what I want and would like from her. It is a balance and a work in progress.

Candice, Wow! You and I share some similarities, when it comes to our individual experiences. I too served 22 years of active duty military service and am alcoholic. I attend a wonderful CD support group here in Atlanta, and it was there that I discovered my alcoholic drinking was a symptom of suppressing Peggy Sue for decades. I have been sober for 28 years, but it was not until Peggy Sue came out of the closet and went out in public that I felt truly fulfilled. More specifically, to answer your questions, I informed my wife one morning, after a heavy night of drinking, that I had a lifelong desire to occasionally wear female clothing. She asked me if I wanted to be a woman, and I said no, that I just had a desire to dress like a woman, sometimes. She and I eventually realized our marriage was on very solid ground, and she subsequently accepted my closeted cross dressing. However, I still had an internal conflict, in that I had to remain closeted, due to the military lifestyle and security clearances. My drinking continued into my civilian post military career, where once again, I feared loss of job and security clearances, if it was found out I liked to wear clothing associated with the female gender. I sobered up, after a few job losses, due to drinking but still had to deal with a closeted Peggy Sue and the conflict and stress related to keeping her in the closet. Private and out-of-town dressing helped provide some relief, in addition to a supportive wife. Had I known there were CD support groups, I would have taken advantage of them. The support group here in Atlanta has very strict confidentiality and privacy protocols. I have learned over the years that spouses and girlfriends play a very vital role in our cross dressing, and even if it is not a supportive role, a marriage can still survive and be healthy, when they are in an accepting role. It is absolutely essential for spouses and girlfriends to get support from other women who are in the same situation. In this way, an accepting spouse can very well become a supportive spouse. Moreover, marriages can be saved. To quote a member of my support group, "Once you get past the marriage issues, cross dressing can be fun for the both of you." Peggy Sue has been completely out of the closet and out in public for the last few years, and I finally feel fulfilled by being a -whole- person. Peggy Sue is an extension of my personality, not a separate personality, but an extension that has made me a complete person. My final battle, involving cross dressing, was my Christian faith, but I am not going to get into that, suffice to say I am also at peace now with that too.
Candice, many hugs, please continue to reach out to your CD sisters for support!

Best wishes as you move into this new chapter of your life. It’s incredible that your wife can deal with the idea that you might be gay but is unable to accept your need to crossdress.

I finally came clean to my wife almost a decade ago. We were going through a difficult time , which resulted in a period of separation and finally therapy. She did her research and ultimately came to a quiet understanding and acceptance. It is not something we discuss and there are plenty of times where I am frustrated in not being able to dress more frequently; but, it’s better than being totally in the closet.

Hi Candace! I had some of the same feelings as you and like many of us, I too had to live the life society expected. When I finally did tell my wife about my cross dressing in the past; she said that if sh e had known it before that she would never had married me. So we are now legally separated (her idea) and heading to a divorce in the near future. Fortunately I have a very understanding and supportive married couple that live nearby. I am able to go out much more as Michelle now. So my friend; through the pain and years of suppression we have built up the courage to be our true selves! Thank you for sharing your story!
Michelle

I was about the same age when my mother caught me in her undies she didn't go mad but we had a talk about it and in the end she said ok as long It was between us and didn't let my brothers know ,she even bought me some undies to wear. I got married and stopped wearing undies ,a few years later I had a talk with my wife of what I did during my teenage years ,after several talks she said to let her see me in her undies ,asked how I felt said I loved the feel of the panties and stockings .We talked about it for a while longer and she agreed to let me wear them but not in front of the kids. We went shopping and bought some undies of my own and then surprised me by saying I could buy a dress but not in front of the kids ,so that was the start and we are still happily together with most days both in dresses now the kids have gone.

I had no desires to dress when I was young quite the opposite. My wife was horrified when I first asked about wearing knickers and shaving underarms and genital region. I tried to understand my feelings and urges but failed. I have tried suppressing all those feelings but they keep coming back. My wife is now sort of supportive though she prefers it if I dress in male attire! We remain together and she is supportive most of the time!
So its small steps without so many egg shells.
Strange how something so harmless evokes such extreme reaction in a lot of people both men and women

I tried on pantyhose and bras when I was little and as I got older I found I wanted to wear women's clothes but I wasn't able to go any farther than pantyhose due to my kids coming to visit so I didn't want to have dresses and things in my closet. Fast forward to three years ago and I met my wife. At first I didn't let her know but I would get her tights and hose, lingerie those things. I think she had an idea but wasn't sure till one night she saw me with a pair of the tights on. I thought she would freak but she didn't. She has been so supportive and I truly don't think I would have came as far as I have without her support. We have even went out together with me dressed. Well that's my story I hope it helps.

I have had this urge forever it seems. My first wife found out and was not at all accepting. My second wife istarted hinting at being a cd very early on in our relation ship. Then I just outright told her and she seemed ok with it. The next step was to show her but I told her before I dressed so she was not surprised by finding me this way. It all worked out very well and at the moment I am dressed and she is sitting in the living room.

Good article, and thankyou for your service! I never once doubted that I was attracted to women, but I never understood why I wanted to wear women's clothes. My ex wasnt supportive neither and she is the only one I ever told. I know exactly how you feel in that respect! I hope you have found some peace in being who you are!