Things are worse in your head!

As an over the road driver, the one thing that you seem to have an abundance of: time. You have time to contemplate, time to hash out things, and time to over-think things. Yes, I said it; time to over-think things! Over-thinking can make things worse than they actually are. I recently had two separate incidents involving opening up and coming out as they tend to say. One was to a long-time friend and the other was to a classy lady I was dating.

While driving, I went over everything throughout my life; the last 20 years! Yep, got that kind of time! The one thing that kept resonating, the pattern that kept emerging, was this. I had a deep desire to be feminine; to dress as a woman, to feel comfortable, sexy, alluring, and confident as a woman. I would go purchase items, try them on, feel great, and nearly get caught by my significant other! What would follow is an emergency purge, and then a month later or so, I'd do it all again! I even went as far as dressing in my significant others clothes in order to stop wasting money, and because of the fact that she was watching the bank accounts!

Realization comes from deep thoughts, but it can also hamper us sometimes! I also knew who I was and could not deny it anymore. I knew that I would start my journey to become the woman I was meant to be. I also knew I would have to admit it as well.

As it were, I was coming into Shreveport, Louisiana where my friend lived, whom I have known for almost 15 years. I called him up and set-up a meeting with him at a local truck stop for dinner and to catch-up. I was around six hours away, which gave me plenty of time to mull over how I was going to tell him! I ran through every scenario in my mind. The good ones were where I was accepted, the bad ones came with all the negative backlash, disgust, and the end of a good friendship. I was almost in tears and nearly a complete wreck by the time I pulled up to the truck stop. I was so flustered that I missed the driveway and had to turn around and come back to the correct driveway to get parked. There was an hour delay before he showed up, perfect! I ran through more negative scenarios that might happen. Over-thinking is not then most productive thing one can do in a stressful situation.

We meet in the diner and engaged in small talk. When he finally asked what it was that I could not tell him over the phone, why it had to be in person, I warned him that his opinion of me might change after I told him what I needed to say. He looked questioningly at me. I said straight out that I was a crossdresser. I had done it through my last marriage of 13 years. My ex knew about it, and hence the rift. I waited, held my breath, and expected the worse, but instead got, "Oh, really?" He was a little surprised, but then asked, "That’s it?”  No biggie. He asked what the final result will be. I told him I wasn’t positive, but felt headed towards a 24/7 lifestyle. We discussed it further, for a bit; I was so relieved!

Wow is all I could think during the moment. I said to him that I worried he would be disgusted and leave.  He laughed and told me that he wasn't one to judge, you should be who you needed to be! In my mind, I made I'd imagined things would be worse. I think that's true most of the time! I am learning to not let fear dictate or control who I want to be. It's easier said than done! No doubt!

Shortly after that, I texted the lady I was dating and informed her as well. I let her know that I did not want any secrets between us if we were going to have a relationship! I was scared about that as well, but more confident now that I was being true to myself. She responded fairly quickly, stating that she would be a friend but could not be anything else. She called me the next day, and we discussed it openly and honestly. I have not heard from her since, and I am okay with it. Again, in my head I had an angry woman yelling and despising me, but she wasn’t like that at all!

In conclusion; when you over-think things you tend to dwell on the negative side! Most of the time, you make it much worse in your head than it turns out to be. If you are true to yourselves, hold your head high, and feel confident good things and surprising outcomes can happen. This is not to say you won't receive negative input, for there will always be those that fear what they do not understand and must lash out! Everything is a journey! A journey to finding oneself, to become complete and happy, and to feel self confident! Life is short; I wasted so much time worrying about the negative part that I didn’t see the positive right in front of my face!

Of course, my next step is to come out to close friends and family. I plan to wait a bit until I'm closer to a 24/7 lifestyle; everyday brings me closer!

Love yourself and love others, be happy and make others happy!

Thank you for reading!

*hugs*

Kellie