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In Shakespeare’s time, men played all the female roles. Wouldn’t that have been fun? Not only was it acceptable, but it was also mainstream, and what wonderful clothing we could wear. If we can learn anything from history, it is that varying notions can change—for either better or worse. If you are like me, there is an ebb and flow to your dressing. At times, the anxiety of not dressing is worse than the fight against wanting to.
I really feel like Charlie Brown running to kick the football and knowing Lucy is going to pull it away. I can’t stop myself from the smallest glimmer of hope. Will there ever be a world in which it is okay for anyone to be what they want? And just exactly, what does that entail? I look through all of my clothing and hair options, wondering what my best friends would think if they saw me dressed in all my glory. I know many of you have already experienced this. I’ve read your recounting of friends and family lost to those who were accepting and became closer. I have no doubts that I would… be surprised. We are the perfect example of saying one thing and truthfully meaning something else. We hide who we are while pretending to be that which we are not. I mention my golf partner (who does kind things but is one of those who is perceived as a right-wing bigot.) because I do my best to see beyond his words and withhold permanent judgment of his soul.
My other golf buddy has a married, lesbian daughter and she at times claims to be trans (searching for her own truth). You would expect them to react in a certain way, just like the millions of unknowing, uneducated people expect us to act and be based on their perceptions. How would my long-time best friend react? Every song or story has that arc where someone unexpected will stand with you while those we believe will turn their backs. Of course, in the movie, one of them comes back and depending on whether it’s a drama or comedy, will potentially throw you to the wolves again or lift you up. What I can’t say with any certainty is which one of the three will still be there after seeing me dressed. Some of you would like to tell me that I should find out, or to immediately dump the bigoted one, or not to care and to just be me and take it as it comes. In the past, I had responsibilities that I wouldn’t exchange to find out. Now, with the passing of both of my parents, who am I worried about? Me, for the simple answer. I am the one burdened by uncertainty.
I’ve been described as a person with great clarity who sees the bigger picture and gets things done… and yet, here I still am, tossed about in my ongoing search for “My Truth.” What I can say is that I am enthralled with everything feminine and always have been. If I had that in my partner, would I dress as much? Good question. Do I dress (being single for over 10 years) because I lack that from another or because I am that? My ex-wife was very good with her makeup but lacked any type of sex appeal. (A lot to do with her toxic personality.) The more I tried to speak to the things that attracted me, the more she belittled me. My other relationship was with someone who was kind (a trait important to me) but didn’t wear makeup, or jewelry and rarely dressed up. My god, what would I be if I had married Raquel Welch or Sophia Vergara? Would they have been enough?
Truthfully, I don’t believe so, and I would have stretched out many of their clothes and surely broken some of their shoes in my unrelenting need to wear them. What they would have brought to me is the reflection of what I need to be me. I have that now with my closet full of dresses and shoes, plus the ability to dress whenever I like. What I don’t have is recognition and acceptance from others. Yes, you all count, but you know what I mean. My daughters are in the don’t tell, don’t let us see, and we don’t talk about it, stage, but I could see that changing if I pursue the next steps that I keep saying I should. It’s more likely every day, as I want to hear what a professional has to say. I am a difficult subject to be sure. As the counselor is trying to evaluate me, I will be doing so in return.
What perplexes me is what would I feel like if I took the steps to HRT. Do I even want to know? Would it ruin what I have, make it better, or even become more confusing? That is my mind at work. If all I’m worried about is me, and I have ample opportunity to dress, to move and start fresh elsewhere, and live my best life, why concern myself with it? Because… I might just find out that I really am more as easily as I might find the satisfaction to know that I’m not. And that will… possibly change nothing as I’m going to stay put and spend oodles of money on dresses on eBay and continue to golf with my (ignorant to what I am) golf buddies.
I need to, want to, and love to dress. I am part woman (maybe more) than I am man, most assuredly so on the inside. I would love my outside to at least be more neutral, which I am working on. I get that HRT would help with that (A huge draw for me), but I’m already losing distance off my drives… In a world that currently demonizes us, why would I want to put myself out there? I wouldn’t, at least not here where I live. My decision may be to sell the big house I don’t need with all of its maintenance and move away as I fantasize about. Live my life as the daring gender-neutral person who is (hopefully) accepted by their community, and let nature determine the ultimate outcome (HRT to be or not to be)
What I have accepted, that curbs the anxiety I once felt, is that it’s okay to be more than just a crossdresser, because aren’t we all wanting to be more in some capacity than what we are… a better husband, father, friend, worker, volunteer? Aren’t we looking for acceptance in all aspects of our lives, not just for wearing a dress and high heels? I am Brina and she is me; together we make one hell of a team. I’m only sorry that it took most of my life to recognize that fact. (I do wish she’d curb her spending some…) I love the feel of a pretty dress and the alluring scent of exotic perfume, regardless of whether I’m the one to wear them. Finding a partner that accepts this side of me (No… embraces this side) would be amazing. I just may have to kick the ball that Lucy is holding for it to come true, not likely, but being an optimist like Charlie Brown, maybe this time it will be different!
Have a wonderful Fall (or Spring) and find that spark within yourself that fans the fire to be more, in whatever it is you desire.
Until next time…
Very pretty picture
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, gave me pause to thank the gods for making me this way. I so much enjoy my feminine time. What a great going out, special dress, you have such a wonderful style of presentation, lovely . Enjoy every moment!
wow honey you look great and happy just like to see ladies with smile on there face. take care sophie. x hugs.
You are so right sabrina , we have a lot to be thankfully for but do you think we seem to below when you read anything on us , maybe it's just me but LGTB come frist , please don't get me wrong , it as taken a long time before some of them was excited and yes they is a long way too go. SMILE. I think that's it for now hun , take care Frenlee, Sophie. Hugs . X
Hi Brina,
My dear sister, each of us is on a similar, but unique, journey. Whether we consider ourselves to be a crossdresser or transgender, we are all very aware of the feminine presence that resides deep within our souls. Where our paths differ is often due to the real effects of surrounding circumstances that are often out our ability to control.
Some of us have maintained a male presence along with our feminine side in order to simply exist in the environment we find ourselves in.
Others, like myself, and you, realize we are transgender and live with that reality. Some of us, myself included, have heeded the siren's call and have transitioned to living their lives as the women we always knew we were.
I had to heed that call, as it overpowered any obstacles or objections that were in my path.
Many of the people I was acquainted with have literally disappeared or dropped out of my life, but they were never "friends" anyway. I have made many new friends within the LGBQT family in my locality, and we are always there for each other.
My greatest, and basically, only regret, is the lack of acceptance of my two children. I hope, over time, that they can have a change of heart seeing as I now know I am an intersex person, meaning I was, quite literally, born this way.
Brina, only you truly know what the best path is on your journey, listen to your heart dear sister, that is how I chose the I am on, the woman inside, who always spoke to me, has now been set free to live her life to the fullest.
Hugs girlfriend,
Lauren
kind and gracious advice! Thank you for sharing. You mirror much of what I have tried to convey to those who read my articles.
Sadly, I too know several “left wing bigots.” Relegate them to the trash heap. And always enjoy my cross dressing time. Have fun.
They are in all walks of life, and some can really surprise us when they show their true colors. Thanks for the comments.
wow what a post you posted up. and is true, wish we all cross dressers can come out of the closet so to speak and show the world what we can be dressed up. real women do not wear a dress or skirt or nylons and make up. they wear pants and shirt that look like men. so why is society so mean to cross dresser's?? men worn female attire in the 1700 and 1800s. and still do to this date and do it with pride and for T.V shows like mash, cartoons bat man and Robbin, society needs to wake up and deal with this world of cross dressers. my wife knows i dress up but will not let me sit in same room as her and talk like to women or ask me why do i like to wear female cloths? i have been wearing female cloths so far back when i was in school play had to wear tights, i was hooked. now i have my own collection of dresses, nylons, make up, perfume, earrings heels, panties and bra and even pads. i but my own for wife got tired of me stretching her clothing out in which she does not wear any ways so what is the big deal. i wear female cloths more than she ever will. i get up in morning and put on my bra and panties with pad then a nice dress or skirt and blouse then my male cloths over them and go out, this way no one can see i am wearing a dress or skirt and blouse. i hate hiding it from society but hate to get caught or beaten up or ask to do something for them since i am a female. with my wife knowing i dress up she tells me when i can dress up for we have a 23 year old son still living at home. i love every part of dressing up as a female just wish i was a female then i would not have to hide it. all the lovely clothing females have to choose from, different color earrings, style of cloths, nylons of all different kinds and style, perfume, make up, heels. why and all us men have is jeans and shirt nothing good to choose from.
A lot in the Lucinda! I agree that the world should chill when it comes to us and quit worrying that we are out to get them (or the children). It is simply not true. Thanks for the comments.
Lucinda, I am in s similar situation. I do tend to want look more feminine then my wife. She has never been one to wear a dress much. Like you I would love to express my feminine side more often. Thank you for sharing.
Clearly Brina is on the cusp as you are in the position to make the leap to live as a woman so all these thoughts are running around. As golf is a large part of your life and something you clearly enjoy is it necessary to tell them and can you accommodate this in male mode whilst moving forward in other areas? After all even with hormones it will be a while before anything is noticeable. I have a hobby which I love and still do in male mode as this is the most difficult area to deal with as it is very male orientated but can make it work. Otherwise everything else is in female mode. I have come out over the years and those close have seen the transition and gone with it. I told and didn't expect acceptance but it came and has worked out well. It has been a a long process and accept yours may be shorter. Do I need to ask what your perfect life would be as it appears quite obvious to me. I believe saying that at your age and circumstances this is now your time and if being Brina is what you want then plan it and go for it making accommodations where required. If you nail your colors to the mast your daughters may well come round as after all isn't your happiness important, and that's the thing your happiness. We all make the list of things to do in retirement and this must be at the top of yours.
It's an old chestnut but you really do only get one chance at this so, as Captain Kirk says 'Make it so'.
Sound advice! I easily see a more adventurous life ahead of me, one where Brina isn't stuck in the shadows. My path may still be blocked, but I'm now equipped with a chainsaw and machete to whack away the vines. We will all see what transpires as now is here. Thanks for the great comments 🙂
What makes this CD thing so hard is being the person that others want to see. So, we give of ourselves, to keep them happy. Leaving only pieces of time to make ourselves happy.
TY Brina for your insights and something we all feel
No matter what gender you were born with we all love that feeling of putting on a new dress with heels makeup and hair. Feels so natural for us too
I love you Brina and I'm so happy you finally have all that Brina time to yourself girlfriend!
XOXOXO Scarlett
Sabrina, that was such an insightful essay. I feel the same way. You are a lovely and wonderful person, and that is the perception that is most important to all that know and love you.
I am comfortable with who I am as both a man and a women. I do have to contend with a wife who is not supportive of my feminine side, but I do love her with all my heart. I have to find a way that works for me in which I can express my feminine side without destroying my relationship with my wife and that is difficult to manage.
My feminine side is such an important part of who I am, and who I need to be. I present my feminine side and it is important for me to do this. I do not want to hurt my wife, and I think she fears the unknown. I am still and always will be her loving husband.
We are all on this wonderful feminine journey, and for me it is not just wearing the clothing or makeup. It is being that women I strive to be, and as important in being the best man I can be.
I Cherish all of the wonderful girls here at CDH, all your support and love means the world to me. Sabrina, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You are a beautiful women and it is a pleasure to know you.
Hugs Julie
so very kind of you to say. I can imagine your struggles. It's obvious from what you say that we have similar views. I applaud your efforts and wish you the best you you can be! 🙂
Awww, Brina, such a thoughtful and heartfelt piece! Reading, I could feel your every emotion, the highs and lows, and have such respect for your insight and clarity as to who you (and we) are.
Thank you for sharing!
Hugs,
Jules
And YES, it would have been so wonderful to taken part in those magnificent plays so many years ago - dressed as a woman…
I know! A CD's ultimate fantasy, to play (although it would be more of being out in public) a role in a production where we get to be made up by a professional and dressed in magical garments. Makes you wonder if those back then who did, also dressed when they weren't playing a role. If one only had a time machine... Thanks for the comments.
Yea! Wouldn’t that be magical…?
And when you do, PLEASE consider casting me…
Oh. I’m sure many were simply and possibly secretly being themselves…
Hugs
Jules
Heyyy girl, Another wonderful article, you’re soo talented. Thank you!
In my sixties now, I moved away from my home state to get in touch with my “True Self”. ( not an easy decision.) Little by little I’m letting Becky take the wheel and take control. After a lifetime of negative programming and paradigms things are finally becoming clear to me. I’d rather be at war with the world, than at war with myself. And I must be authentic and live my life with true integrity. At first, it looks like a heavy load to carry, but I’m told, it will make me feel free at last. I do feel the ease coming on more and more.
There’s a book called : the Way of integrity by Martha Beck. It’s powerful, and will help us all find our true path. I truly hope this helps.
Stay strong girls. Sincerely Becky Jo.❤️
So nice to know that someone else is doing what I said I should! If I could remove the "have to be male moments" how many would there actually be? Maybe you could write an article and give us some enlightenment on your journey. Thank you for the comments and book suggestion.
Hi Becky,
Indeed, it is amazing the heavy load we carry throughout our lives because of, as you describe it, "negative programming". I've always called it "social programming", and every culture has it. But we do carry the load, both sides, we, who are afraid to come out, others who are afraid to acknowledge us because of the fear of what their friends will say about them for being friends with "one of them". But thank goodness it's changing, and I believe that's what's helping us to become bolder. As you say though, and as Jennifer has become bolder, more confident, even venturing out, having some men friends, slowly revealing myself to my straight friends, I do feel more free. Free from having to maintain the lie of who I am, free of the guards I had monitoring me to make sure I never revealed my true self when around my friends. I found it amazing, how much better I felt after coming out, it's like a new days sunshine, I can see my path more clearly, (maybe because that fear of what friends think obstacle has been overcome), and I can approach my journey with a more open heart. The love and compassion I've found within this community overshadows anything I've experienced in my lifetime, (not including my wife of 49 years), the shared victories as well as the pains. I have one last major building project I'm working on at the house, requiring man power and focus, so I cannot be Jennifer full time, yet. But when it's done, this month, my vision for this house has been accomplished, and THEN, my vision for jennifer becomes full time. And I'm excited. Life is such a wonderful journey, so many twists and turns, sometimes the path paved, most often hard, but if we're committed, we always find a way.
Hugs,
Jennifer
