Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
Passing is highly overrated. When you are successful in passing you're running the risk of being discovered and the consequences that come from people who don't like to be deceived. Particularly men.
It's far better that you don't pass. That way you find out right up front what people's opinion of transgender is. Being accepted is far greater than passing. I've done both. I've passed and spent the whole time watching out for people's reaction when the penny drops and they realize the woman, is really a man in drag.
I'm much more relaxed when people see me as a feminine man. Mind you, I'm transgendered, my choice of clothing is more that expressing my feminine side. But I've been testosterone poisoned. That is; I've developed far too many masculine secondary sexual attributes to really look like I'm truly a woman. It's a fact that I have to live with.
The only way we can truly have society accept us is to be visible. Hiding in the closet, and the bigger closet of passing doesn't do the "movement" any good. Being out and unashamed of ourselves, demonstrating we are just an alternative to the norm and harmless does a lot more good than learning to actually pass will ever do.
I live in the Pacific Northwest and it's a little bit liberal out there. So I'm sure that I have it a lot easier than some others on that score. In the last few years, I've broken through a barrier that's held me back for decades. I first started going out dress in the early 70s. Back then I was convinced that I had to pass. I first confined myself to mall walking. Then I worked up the courage to actually go into stores. Next came to buying something in the stores. Trouble there was I didn't try on and so had to run the gauntlet of exchanging the non-fitting item.
I reached a point of frustration with it that made me decide to throw caution to the wind and just let the sales clerks know I was a man buying women's clothes for myself. I started frequenting second hand stores in drab and asking to try on whatever women's things caught my eye. I was only turned down once by the clerk of a store I'd been in before and the manager (owner?) had had no problem with me trying things on. My policy was if they won't let me try on, they don't want my business and I'll take it elsewhere.
I progressed from there to chain stores. I was quite surprised that they too valued the sale over maintaining the norm. Since then, I dress as a woman, but don't worry that my presentation isn't quite right, nor that my voice a little too deep for a natural born woman. It all doesn't matter. I'm back to if they don't want me there, I'll take my business elsewhere.
As result, I've been in several restaurants for lunch with no repercussions. I've gotten over the idea that I can't use the women's restroom. I go in, take the first available stall, do my business, a quick wash of the hands and I'm gone. I don't say anything unless spoken to in a way that requires a verbal answer. If someone makes eye contact with me, I smile and nod; then go on with whatever I was doing.
I can't count the number of times that I've been in the women's fitting rooms. The clerks don't treat me any different than the do genetic women.
Really, passing doesn't do anyone any good.
You do make the perfect point, in the event that one becomes too good at hiding their secret, it could unwillingly drawing the kind of attention that can get you hurt. Even if you don't even try to put up any other front over who or what you are. Just the fact they do notice you can be enough to trigger who knows what in an irrational mind once they realize. I know that's more of the issue they have, but being mindful alone of that danger may not even be enough and that has worried me.
Or even if it they did know and were just coming onto me anyway. I've never dealt with that before and quite frankly not sure how I'd handle it. I know I've always figured that had to be one downside of being a woman, particularly an attractive one. Basically, most every single guy being really nice to them wants to have to have sex with them. I don't mean just being friendly, I mean being really nice. There's a difference...and yeah, even lots of those just being friendly too.
Again though, if I stick to what I know and plan to do, I think I should be okay. I don't think I'm in any hurry for Amanda to venture out into areas that aren't safe to be in at this point. But it should be rather interesting once I do!
I also have little interest in men, but have been chatted up and hit on from time to time! This certainly gives you a small taste of what pretty women go through on a regular basis.
I have no problem turning a guy down, and one was rather insistent too but I plead I have my partner waiting for me. At times I have not been sure whether or not they spotted me as a transwoman, and that's why they are hitting on me, or just that I'm attractive.
One needs to do what all women do, but careful where you go, no lonely parking lots or laneways and be very aware of your surroundings. After hiding myself for the vast majority of my life I'm not letting that stop me any more.
Amy
@triciaxd I would disagree for myself.I have no interest in men and want to just look as good as possible.
@triciaxd Here’s another take from my experience when I owned a beauty salon. We had a customer who was definitely trying “not to pass”. A “you will take me as I am” type of attitude. She made no attempt to pass or blend in - even though she had gone so far as to have had breast augmentation. Why, I don’t know as he/she always wore ill fitting jeans (they were women’s) - and women’s sweatshirts. Her own hair, no wig, was always awful, and usually wet when she came in. Perhaps it was always her day off of work. Who knows? What I did know was that she was not making a very good effort appearance wise. She’d been kicked out of every other salon in town. She’d book appointments under his/her male name. Then show up and demand to be called Trudy. I always would think to myself…”Dude…you don’t know it but you’ve found the right place for yourself here. Don’t blow it.”
Well, of course she eventually did. It got to the point where nobody wanted to take her money -for any reason. She offered to pay double, still no takers. Being the owner I got to be the one to tell her the good news that nobody at my salon would take her as a client anymore. Who knows where he/she ended up. But the whole staff was relieved to be done with it.
My point is, sure, not everyone can blend the way they would like to, most people understand the challenges we girls have. But at least make your best effort and do it with a smile on your face and a positive attitude. I had the best environment any trans person could ever hope for. It wasn’t anything to do with acceptance or understanding on our part. It was everything to do with someone thinking “the world needs to revolve around my needs”. You cannot think you can force anyone to accept you on your terms. Everyone always has the option of just saying “no.”
GP
@triciaxd Here’s another take from my experience when I owned a beauty salon. We had a customer who was definitely trying “not to pass”. A “you will take me as I am” type of attitude. She made no attempt to pass or blend in - even though she had gone so far as to have had breast augmentation. Why, I don’t know as he/she always wore ill fitting jeans (they were women’s) - and women’s sweatshirts. Her own hair, no wig, was always awful, and usually wet when she came in. Perhaps it was always her day off of work. Who knows? What I did know was that she was not making a very good effort appearance wise. She’d been kicked out of every other salon in town. She’d book appointments under his/her male name. Then show up and demand to be called Trudy. I always would think to myself…”Dude…you don’t know it but you’ve found the right place for yourself here. Don’t blow it.”
Well, of course she eventually did. It got to the point where nobody wanted to take her money -for any reason. She offered to pay double, still no takers. Being the owner I got to be the one to tell her the good news that nobody at my salon would take her as a client anymore. Who knows where he/she ended up. But the whole staff was relieved to be done with it.
My point is, sure, not everyone can blend the way they would like to, most people understand the challenges we girls have. But at least make your best effort and do it with a smile on your face and a positive attitude. I had the best environment any trans person could ever hope for. It wasn’t anything to do with acceptance or understanding on our part. It was everything to do with someone thinking “the world needs to revolve around my needs”. You cannot think you can force anyone to accept you on your terms. Everyone always has the option of just saying “no.”
GP
That is interesting and against the grain for the vast majority of us, but than there's always some who just can't fit in as well as others.
Hopefully they made out alright in the end.
Amy
Hi there. Yes being a CD girl is quite an adventure and it has its ups and downs. Me, I've been on the journey for awhile and I do love dressing up and the CD friends I've made locally and around the world. My main problem is I can't stop buying women's dresses. Too many to count. Wigs too but I have realized that buying online you are going to get some great ones and some not so great ones. So some will go to the swap meet. BTW, as much as I do love to dress up and look very girly, I also enjoy being a guy and I won't be transitioning anytime soon. As long as I get enough time as Fatima with her pretty skirts and dresses, pantyhose and long blondie hair, I'm happy.
Thanks for your reply Fatima! Oh Dear I have the same problem! I already have a lot of dresses and other clothes but it's like some kind of compulsion isn't it?
Glad to hear you are getting out and have a circle of CD friends, that helps immensely I've found.
Amy
Most tranny's don't pass, hands and feet are a big giveaway, it's more about having fun
Thanks for the comment Leslie. I think it's just having fun, but allowing yourself to be able to present the way you feel inside to the rest of the world.
Amy
Quite frankly, I'm not completely sure where I fall on my looks. Passable might be too strong of a term to use for me. I'm pretty confident that if properly made up and not wearing anything that stands out too much that I could probably go rather unnoticed. Under closer scrutiny or in the event of direct contact? Well...perhaps not quite. But not far off either. I'm gonna be 53, but with full, proper makeup and a wig I think that alone takes 20 years off of my looks. Well, not even, because nobody ever thought I looked my age in the first place. I even weigh about the same, sometimes less, than I did my freshman year of high school.
This is where going out for me as Amanda hits a few bumps. I'd love nothing more to! But I'd have to iron out more of my tells first. It's not even whether or not people know that worries me. Think of it as an actor who doesn't want to see a lousy take make the final cut when they know they're capable of doing better. I'm far from being the best I can be, and I know it. That's a big part of what ultimately holds me back. Doesn't have to be perfect, I just need to not feel like a walking spectacle.
I always envisioned my first time out to be full of a lot of WOW! moments. I know I'll still be nowhere near my best yet, it's about getting to a certain base level where everything feels more calm and natural being around others like me first, then I can branch out from there. I had made great strides towards that once, I need to get back out and do it again.
Far too many years ago I began the process of getting out and met up with another cd. I even went as far as to dress and present myself as I was at the time. That was SO difficult to do! But once I got there and the more time passed, the more comfortable I got with it all, and it happened so much faster than I imagined it would. The person I went to meet had presented as a gay cd but was beginning to start taking hormones at the time and her roommate was already living as a woman. A few of us went to their local gay bar where they had their drag show nights, sadly, none of that was going on at the time. Even though I presented as just being a straight cd, I didn't mind. Gotta broaden horizons somehow, right?
It was a good time and I learned a lot. Shortly after I got saddled with a horrible burden that nearly wiped out my ability to dress altogether. But that's tale for another time.
I can see a future that has me living as a fulltime woman probably more clearly than anything else I've ever been able to picture myself doing in life. Always seeing it and never following it, has turned it into a roadblock I think.
Thanks for the nice reply. I hope you will get through the terrible burden sooner rather than later and will be able to start living your life as a woman! Yes, and broadening one's horizons isn't a bad thing either.
I'm like everyone else I think, in that I want to present as well as possible, and not look as you've described.
However, a few thoughts on that come to mind, the first being at some point one needs to make the jump if you are ever going to and don't let the fear of not being perfect hold you back.
Then in some areas there are professional services which cater to MtF folks and for a price will help you with makeup, shapewear, clothes, etc.
Too bad you missed the drag show and it can be a lot of fun, sometimes better than others as I'm now in that scene. Though I'm not anything like a traditional Drag Queen, with what I do. If there is such a thing,as I've found it's very much a self expression performance.
Amy
I've always made it a point to be smart about things before I commit to doing them. To a fault actually. Still, I've had to squash the urges to throw caution to the wind and just take a leap. However, that just hasn't served me well in the past. I know I just need to find my right place and time. When I find a good safe place that feels right, I'm gonna take my time and go check it out as plain old me, and just take things as they go from there.
Before I left my job, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Irritable, moody, bitter, and just disgusted with everyone and everything around me. Being at home was no better. I was spent. I partly knew why, but it wasn't until I began to open up again that the terrible weight began to feel like it was lifting. The more I'm getting it out, the lighter I'm feeling. The place I'm in right now, is totally on the other side of the spectrum from where I was the day I left my job. It's been nearly 20 years since I've been this calm and relaxed.
I know when I think of some things I do start feeling the knot in my stomach, it's just not nearly what it was. But when I get back to thinking about the crossdressing aspect of my life and what my be beyond...it's all warm and comforting thoughts. There's more than what's in my heart that's telling me that that's where I need to be. I just need to find the strength and courage to finally follow it.
Hi Amy,
Thank you for the topic, it is always for me, when the subject comes up, a thought provoker. Personally, I prefer the word "blending" as opposed to passing.
Even though I possess a rather small frame, 5'10' 162/lbs, and I've exercised consistently to enhance that frame with a faint if somewhat slender slice of feminine curves, grew my hair out(past my shoulders) and had my hair cut with long waves so I can at least style it with a curling iron, and can now, at this point of my journey apply my makeup without my face looking like a jumbled toss of color scattered on a blank canvas, I do not think I'll ever fully "pass", especially when I am up close to other people when I am in public.
When I go out, I always want to present as woman, so the best thing for me to do is to strive as much as I can to blend in.
For me, that means dressing age appropriate, feminine hair, light makeup that covers the applicable parts of the face but not overdone, and female deportment such as moving like a woman with short steps and head erect and in my case, using my weak feminine voice as little as I can. That is something I will forever be working on.
I have also found that smiling and walking with confidence does wonders when out in public. As Marie stated, a lot of people are running their own errands and most are too busy with those to really pay attention with nothing more than a passing(no pun intended) glance. I'm just another woman in the world going about my daily business.
If they want to comment, whether it be pro or con, so be it. I've had some rather unexpected and heartening words said to me when I have been in public dressed, but I've also had my fair share of negativity pointed in my direction and that negativity held me back for a while. I eventually came to realize that I was letting that gloom rent space in my mind. Life is too short for that. Life your life, live it the best you can, whether you want to pass or not, blend or not, or do something outside of that. Enjoy it!!!
Thanks again for the topic!!! Have a great day!
Hugs,
Jennifer
@jenngirl76 Thanks for the reply Jennifer, you touch on many good points. Mostly I dress to blend in but so much depends on where I'm going.
In certain situations I don't mind being quite bold with my looks! It all depends on when, where, and what's going on.
But any way you put it, the most important thing is your second last sentence, "Live you life"! We only get one chance at this and try to not have regrets if you get to the point late in life where you are unable to do what you want!
Amy
@amylove2dress Hi Amy,
You are so right, regrets are not a good thing to live with. By the way, love "I don't mind being quite bold with my looks"
Have a great day Hon!!
Hi Amy.
Just stumbled across your article and I must say it's a very informative and inspiring read.
As a lady who hasn't ventured out properly as yet.I found your words resenated deeply and coinsided with all my thoughts of taking that step out.my mind has been full of what if thoughts but just recently my mind has begun saying what I think is what you have written.
As you say It's just about being you and don't try to be something you can't. I've begun to think if someone sees or says then just be me, yes I'm Carol a man in a dress don't hide. That's the simple way of putting it.
Sorry if it's a bit rambling but that's my mind at the moment.
I've recently read some articles of visits to transformation salons which have given me inspiration and now reading yours of how to deal with being out there I hope it's only a matter of time.
Thankyou Amy fabulous article.
❤️Carol.
@carol64 Thank you Carol, and I am so glad to hear my article made some sense to you!
Amy
@amylove2dress You're welcome Amy.. It's helped me put perspective on a few nagging thoughts.
Carol ❤️
@carolinecd306 I will Caroline. The urge is just overflowing. Like yourself I've been out undercover of the night. I know I've got to do it.
I agree that society’s not ready for the crossdressing world just yet and probably never will be either. And ya know what? Society doesn’t have to be. As long as I have a closet to stay in I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t mind passing if I could, but I would never force my crossdressed self upon anyone. Nor would I put up with it if someone forced it on me. We’re all free to make choices. Some of those choices come with restrictions and for me crossdressing is one. Sure, anyone can go out dressed up if they’re ready for the reactions. And they’re not all going to be good, believe me. I know and accept that. Exit closets and reveal your fem self at your own risk. You say in your article it’s a fact we’re not a threat to people or children. You know that to be true for every Crossdresser who goes out dressed up do you? Of course you don’t. Why should I, as a parent, have to explain to my 5 year old about crossdressing because a man who cannot hope to pass, just walked by all dressed up at the playground in the park? I’m just saying there’s another side to this article to cover.
On the other hand, if society suddenly became ready and unconditionally accepted crossdressing everywhere and we had them all over the place in the world, heck, I’d probably stop crossdressing😊. The “exclusivity” of the club is one of the attractive parts for me, in addition to the many other facets of it.
GP
Thanks for the reply Grace. Yes right now society isn't quite ready for us, and I sometimes wonder if we are where the gay and lesbian community was 25 or so years ago.
Also as a student of trans history this seems to have gone in and out of fashion over the centuries, as they have always been those who never felt they properly belonged in the gender they were assigned too.
I've posted a few articles on the subject here on CDH.
Amy
@gracepal Hi!! Loved your article. But If the world was fully accepting I would still dress and go out into the world without a care. Best, Marlene.
That’s the attitude Marlene! You go girl! BTW, I love the name Marlene. I only ever knew a few Marlenes but they were stylish women.
I don't pass and never could. So I don't even try. This pass summer I ventured out wearing a dress several different times. I went shopping and for a walk along a beach. It was liberating to do this. I felt like I was being me. I pass people on the street and no one said anything or gave me negative look. So I would say put on your big girl panties and best dress and hit the street.
Tracy
@tracyh thanks for your comments.
Put on your big girl panties and best dressed and hit the street!
I am dressing as a woman and blending with other women, at many locations; coffee shop, corner store, mall bakery etc. Unfortunately I have not met any other crossdress ed girls in public and would love to but so far no luck. I have had coffee and lunch with three other real women and I'm fully accepted as a blended crossdresser by then and it's so enjoyable to just feel pretty in my dress or skirts and accepted as one of the girls. A waitress at a coffee shop just agreed to take a picture with me, all dressed girly as i could be ! My voice is too deep, and I forget to practice speaking softly. I shop in 2nd hand shops, and do try on skirts and such, clerks have no trouble with me as any other woman..
The truth is I'm living my life as a woman now, I even have a doctor's appointment at the hospital today and I'm going in a pretty dress wig, low heel womans shoes but no make up. Using the ladies room is as normal as for any woman now
I would LOVE to have some CD lady friends to share with, the fun of just being the female I.am within, no.closet's , just, hi, I'm Stephanie. How. Are you?
I pass at a distance, or at least I'm innocuous at a distance. Close up is a different matter but I've not had any trouble, probably because I choose my outings carefully and always go where there are a lot of people. I think this last point is where folk who want to go out get the wrong idea, they think that if they go out where it's quiet, they will be less noticeable and less likely to be pointed out, whereas it is often quite the opposite. A man dressed as a woman and who does not pass absolutely, will draw attention to themselves in a quiet area, but a man dressed as a woman where there are hundreds of people of all different shapes and sizes, will practically disappear into the background noise of society.
As one becomes more confident, then the types of destinations can broaden in scope as ones experience grows as to the way people are with cross-dressers.
I've said it in other posts, that there are places I would never go—sports bars and other alcohol-fuelled venues and the like, especially at night. In fact the only place I will go at night is to the theatre, as the chances of being accosted by a middle-class and/or elderly theatre goer are probably quite low.
Oh, something else I've said elsewhere but is worth repeating: When you go out in public, don't spend any time watching people to see if they've noticed you as it will be a self-fulfilling prophesy; people will wonder why you are staring at them and as such, you will draw attention to yourself.
Some cross-dressers know they will not pass, possibly because of their height, feet, hands, shape, et al. but go out anyway with the confidence that comes with being comfortable in their own skin. There is (was? since I haven't seen her for some time) a lady near me who would not pass at a convention for the blind, but goes out anyway and damn the consequences; I wish I had that confidence.
Becca
You have the key there in your reply, confidence!
Thanks for your reply Becca!
PS. that's the name my daughter goes by too.
Amy
To me it's not realy about passing or not. Foe me it's about confidence. Do you feel confident in what you do when you go out? I personaly am not that passible but when I did go out I was confident in myself as it felt right.
Yes I so much agree with you Christina and that confidence makes all the difference in the. world!
Christina and Amy are both correct here…even if you’re not the most “blendable” looking girl, if you have confidence and you’re enjoying yourself - then go out and have at it. After all, it’s a free country.
Just realize that not everyone is going to buy into it. You cannot force them to either. They live in the same free country as you.
GP
