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I love the line from John Lennon’s song, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans,” as it is so true. Not only for me but for everyone I’ve ever known. We are so busy saying after we finish this, then I’ll be able to do “That!” Although, there are so many times when something else comes up and the so badly longed for “That” gets left on the back burner once again.
Until one day the reality of, in all of its harshness, comes crashing down upon us. Whatever that reality is for you; your job, your home, or something else, but for most I think it’s a close taste of our mortality, either ours or someone else’s. You start to question all of that time you’ve spent doing things that aren’t your reality but someone else’s.
True! We as adults, and perhaps as grown men who are the nucleus of a family, even now in the 21st century, are still the support that allows so many others around us to thrive. It isn’t easy to split from that and give ourselves time for something as unconventional and that which perhaps is considered unacceptable, dressing in women’s clothes.
In my case, this has been a very difficult year in contemplation of things in my mortal realm. Friends have passed, relatives too, and one cousin, who was particularly dear to me, has gone on to another life. How you feel about that doesn’t really matter, if you believe—fine, if not, that’s fine, too. But certainly, these folks have passed from this mortal place along with their unfulfilled hopes and dreams.
About a week ago, and before this latest passing of my dear sweet cousin, I was on a long drive to bid someone else a final goodbye when I read a large sign along the roadside near a farm. It said, “Don’t Trade Approval for Authenticity!” Hand painted onto wood, somewhat crudely, too in large letters. It simply was there, not to pretty the landscape as some might do, but to pass on its message and big enough that it was difficult to miss.
What an interesting thing to put out in front of one’s farm. It had me wondering about who put it up and why. What did it mean? I suppose I could have gone in and talked to someone about it, but I was on a mission and did not have time. To go to all that trouble to put up a sign like that must have meant a lot to the person doing so, even though it was not a piece of art, it still required time and determination.
Like so many other things, one’s imagination might be the best thing. This, as I pondered that message during the long service, one befitting that lovely lady who was able to live a very long and fruitful life, which certainly not all of us are gifted with. For that message is clear, if being honest with yourself, and not only to yourself, but with the world.
Oh, Dear, I can hear all of the objections now! Wife, family, kids, parents, employers, etc., and each one is a good reason. We need our families and our jobs to make many of the other things happen. Truth to tell, I was one of those who remained hidden totally for most of my life; who am I you might ask to be saying this?
Just someone who has stopped hiding so much of myself from the world and has embraced my feminine side a little better. I’m sure most of us here have questioned this, and I feel to be one of the lucky ones who’ve found their answer; knowing what you are, what you are meant to be.
Even though it was only a few years ago, I finally made peace with my feminine side, due in no small part to people right here on this website, but I still have thoughts questioning just who or what I am. My gender-fluid nature is often a puzzle to me, except this is what I am, and like other things in life I just cannot change my stripes. Nor do I want to!
I feel so comfortable as Amy going out to shop and socializing with others, that at times I can hardly imagine being anyone else! Then the next day I’m quite happy to be male me! Indeed, there are some things that I can’t imagine myself doing in any other way!
However, I still think that the message on that sign is clear. We should start with being honest with ourselves and try to find the best way to live it, even in some small way.
Are you still totally closeted?
Have you ever gone out dressed?
Do you have a CD or Trans social network?
It is a fine line for any one to cross to be their authentic self when life has its obligations to fulfill. So many considerations to take into account, marriage, work, friends and so on, all of which are essentials to the wellbeing of not only you but the family you are in. Approval in some form has to come as not to rock the boat or cause it to sink completely.
Self approval is fine as you have established this is part of who you are then comes how you will integrate into your life then find the best way to live it. Crossdressing in itself is totally harmless but alas others see it differently so there is another angle to consider - Responsibility because most of us have lived as a male for so long we have ties ( pardon the pun)
It seems that you have found a way to be that part of yourself you so desire and manage to get out and about to satiate your desire. You still have questions but have arrived at a status quo for now as you decide on where to take it indeed if you do need to take it further. I wonder if you have has approval in some form such as the staff at the location you were photographed in, a spouse or friend.
Some here are very closeted and may have to keep it all secret but as from your experience on this site see the possibilities that may have not been seen before by reading others experiences. I know from my life how hard it was to keep it all secret but the desire became too strong and I had to reach out and that needed some form of approval, once gained it went on for many years expanding until I became the authentic self my reality has become their reality,I traded well.
Thank you Amy for the lovely thoughtful article!
Hugs,
Jules
Thank you for a very thought-provoking article. I feel the sign means to be yourself and not what others want you to be. Which is all well and fine, as long as that self is open and giving to others. It does not mean to be so authentic to yourself that you ignore all others and just focus on your selfish self.
We have others in our lives that are just as, or even more important than ourselves. I would gladly lie down my life for my wife and children. They are far more important to me than myself. But, that does not mean we can't seek a balance. If cross-dressing or exploring your femme side is important to you and is obviously important to many of us, then we need to seek that balance. I have a loving and supportive wife who is fine with my dressing but prefers to keep it private, so that is a balance I am happy to maintain. I can still be true to myself and respect her wishes. Should I ever need to go fully public, we would need to reach a new level of agreement.
I find the most peace in my life when I can find a nice balance between me and we, and myself and others. I have been in health my entire professional life, as well as being married, racing two great kids, and balancing family and friends. I could have avoided it all and just become a Yosemite rock climbing bum back in the day, but that would have been all about pleasing the me/myself. Instead, I have had a wonderful serving my clients and community, watching my lovely daughters mature and blossom, all while married to the most wonderful woman I have ever known or could even imagine.
So, all the things that pull at us can also make us a better person. I think the better way to look at it is how can we be as true to ourselves as can be under all the pressures and circumstances we find ourselves... good or bad.
I think that's the point, finding that balance between all those conflicts in one's life, and certainly it's easier for some people. It sounds like you've had a great life!
My adult children are a big joy in my life too, without them my life would be much poorer.
Amy
I think that's the point, finding that balance between all those conflicts in one's life, and certainly it's easier for some people. It sounds like you've had a great life!
My adult children are a big joy in my life too, without them my life would be much poorer.
Amy
Thank you for a very thought-provoking article. I feel the sign means to be yourself and not what others want you to be. Which is all well and fine, as long as that self is open and giving to others. It does not mean to be so authentic to yourself that you ignore all others and just focus on your selfish self.
We have others in our lives that are just as, or even more important than ourselves. I would gladly lie down my life for my wife and children. They are far more important to me than myself. But, that does not mean we can't seek a balance. If cross-dressing or exploring your femme side is important to you and is obviously important to many of us, then we need to seek that balance. I have a loving and supportive wife who is fine with my dressing but prefers to keep it private, so that is a balance I am happy to maintain. I can still be true to myself and respect her wishes. Should I ever need to go fully public, we would need to reach a new level of agreement.
I find the most peace in my life when I can find a nice balance between me and we, and myself and others. I have been in health my entire professional life, as well as being married, racing two great kids, and balancing family and friends. I could have avoided it all and just become a Yosemite rock climbing bum back in the day, but that would have been all about pleasing the me/myself. Instead, I have had a wonderful serving my clients and community, watching my lovely daughters mature and blossom, all while married to the most wonderful woman I have ever known or could even imagine.
So, all the things that pull at us can also make us a better person. I think the better way to look at it is how can we be as true to ourselves as can be under all the pressures and circumstances we find ourselves... good or bad.
Amy -
Thank you for your article. It is something to think about. I denied this part of myself my whole life and finally came out to my wife a few years ago. Since that time I have embraced my feminine side though I still keep it hidden from the world. Just being able to share it with my wife and in therapy is freeing. I have no idea what the future holds but can move forward being able to accept myself for who I am.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thanks Suzanne, as people we do need to share ourselves, so I'm glad you have been able to that.
Amy
Thanks Suzanne, as people we do need to share ourselves, so I'm glad you have been able to that.
Amy
Amy -
Thank you for your article. It is something to think about. I denied this part of myself my whole life and finally came out to my wife a few years ago. Since that time I have embraced my feminine side though I still keep it hidden from the world. Just being able to share it with my wife and in therapy is freeing. I have no idea what the future holds but can move forward being able to accept myself for who I am.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thanks for the wonderful article. Yes, I do get out as my true self. I've even started going to the doctor as Tina. Most, if not all, people are very nice and respectful and treat me as they would anyone else. Sad to say, I do not have a social network, so I am on my own in that regard.
Tina
Thank you Tina! Being out on your own without a network takes a great deal of courage, and I'm glad to hear you are doing it well.
Amy
Thank you Tina! Being out on your own without a network takes a great deal of courage, and I'm glad to hear you are doing it well.
Amy
Thanks for the wonderful article. Yes, I do get out as my true self. I've even started going to the doctor as Tina. Most, if not all, people are very nice and respectful and treat me as they would anyone else. Sad to say, I do not have a social network, so I am on my own in that regard.
Tina
I started going out in my neighborhood and in public more than a decade ago. About the same time, I started coming out to some family members, friends and colleagues. The process has been ongoing and rewarding, except for one instance. My then-wife was sympathetic but not interested in being married to a transgender partner. So, we both moved on. I am free and happy to live on my own terms and true to myself.
Kim, that must have been a difficult period for you, but it seems as though you are now a happier person.
I'm glad you found the courage to be completely yourself.
Amy
It was hard for a while. I think I was initially in denial about the end of the relationship. I even grew a denial beard! But within 18 months, I realized that this remained an important part of my identity, and I started coming out.
It was hard for a while. I think I was initially in denial about the end of the relationship. I even grew a denial beard! But within 18 months, I realized that this remained an important part of my identity, and I started coming out.
Kim, that must have been a difficult period for you, but it seems as though you are now a happier person.
I'm glad you found the courage to be completely yourself.
Amy
I started going out in my neighborhood and in public more than a decade ago. About the same time, I started coming out to some family members, friends and colleagues. The process has been ongoing and rewarding, except for one instance. My then-wife was sympathetic but not interested in being married to a transgender partner. So, we both moved on. I am free and happy to live on my own terms and true to myself.
