What About The Kids - When They're Not Kids

Its something I am wrestling with at this moment. I’m really ‘out’ as a hetero crossdresser and do my own thing. My children are 17 and 10, I want both to know, more because the idea that someone else tells them before I do would maybe be disastrous. The thing is my ex wife wants to tell tham at the same time, which I find ridiculous. The age differences mean the story has to be different. My Daughter of 17 has a best friend who is F2M so I think she might be more understanding but my son of 10 caught me out when I had my nails long and painted. He thought it was hilarious and I just said I like to have laquered nails. He just said ok and It wasn’t brought up again. I would love to get some professional advice how to go about this.
I think in your case I’d just tell tell your sons the truth, I dont think it would change anything, it didnt with one single one of my friends….it did end up costing me my marriage though… and just when I thought we’d reached a point where it seemed to work.

Hi Chris, I have been dressing most of my life, but only really got into after I had “the Talk” with my wife about 16 years ago. I never thought about my wife being in the closet with me, but that statement is 100% true. She has had to make adjustments in her life too. We do go shopping together, I am in drab, and usually have a wonderful time. However, my 4 daughters do not know. I know they must suspect something but the subject has never come up. You said you have ever been caught, I haven’t either in full femme. But, each one of them have found things in the house, over the years, that were hard to explain. One found a pair of large heels, one found a pair of clip on earrings, one actually caught me wearing lipstick, and the real hard one to explain, she found my forms in my workroom. My wife covered this one by telling her she found them at a garage sale and bought them for a joke or use, at Halloween. Then she even told her she could have them if she wanted them, she refused, yay!
Anyways, we do have a complicated life, but somehow we make it work. Great article, take care, Carolyn

Hello Kris. Thank you for sharing, and I recall that you are contemplating talking with your children. No answers here.

I have told my son and his wife, and showed pictures of Elaine. They have always migrated toward the LGBT community for friends and fellowship at each of their duty stations (both are career Air Force). I first told him then showed pictures. As far as I know he is okay, although who knows what goes on behind our back. On the other hand one daughter is very religious, works on a church staff so would be mortified. The other daughter I think would accept, but I have not told her since she and first daughter are best friends and share everything.

I have also told about 10 of my friends who I expect have told 10 of their friends. Only one rejection.

Hi there Kris! Super article by the way and I too am a happily married heterosexual "recreational" cross dresser as well.

I kept it a secret from my wife for many years until I had an off day while she was at work and I was in full up Scarlett mode when I heard the garage door opening about three hours earlier than my wife was due home from work. I was gonna be totally busted so I simply met her at the door leading in from the garage and said, "Honey, I'm a cross dresser and have been one for many years and I'm sorry I've kept it secret from you for so long." She said "Oh F**K! Get out of those clothes and take off the makeup!"

She then would speak to me for two straight days! Date night rolled around on Friday and we left the house together to do dinner and a movie. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she said "Nope"! We had a wonderful date night and came home and had fabulous sex. I was guessing that was sort of a message she was gonna be OK with my cross dressing.

I sat her down the next day and we had about a three hour discussion of the matter with me doing most of the talking as to when I started cross dressing and why I do it. She had a hard time understanding why a sports jock like me would wanna dress up in women's clothing with full up makeup on. And I explained that I just loved the feel of the clothing, footwear, jewelry and the look of what I looked like as a pretty girl.

She let me continue with my cross dressing as long as I didn't do it while in her presence and not to let any of our family members or neighbors know. And that I didn't go out in public while dressed as a girl. So I kept my promisses and all has gone well up until about a year ago when I had some serious current and past sports injurie come back to haunt me and as a result, I haven't been able to cross dress for over a year now.

Well that's it for now Kris. I still post one of my photos about once a week on here and try to edit one of these articles about once a week as part of the Article Section crew!

Take care and good luck with getting the word out there! I know that's a very tough call!

Sincerely, Scarlett

Hey Cris I have the same dilemma with a 27 yr old son who left the nest about 8 yrs ago and is prone to un announcened visits sending my anxiety through the roof, I just want to come clean!!.. my therapist says keep it a secret but I know in my heart one day un announcened it's going to be an awkward discussion, lol I just hope I'm wearing my favorite dress..
Janet

likewise I've thought about revealing it to my daughter.She's been living with us since Covid and, although she and I have never been particularly close, I sometimes think trusting her with this could make a HUGE difference in our relationship. My wife however thinks its a terrible idea and I've got to respecter feelings.And at this point my daughter is looking at moving out again and getting her own place.

I was going to tell my 5 children who range in ages 37 to 50 in the December right before the Covid epidemic. I couldn't do it and after the epidemic began I was glad I didn't. This month they were all here. The thought of telling them since has really haven't entered my mind much. My attitude is if they find out I will explain it the best I can. I will tell them I will always be their father and I will always be there for them.

Kris,

After reading your story, along with the follow-up comments and replies, it really becomes clear about what a truly difficult question you are all dealing with when it comes to telling your kids, both young and old. I'm sure many would be supportive and okay with it but others would not. So anyone wanting or needing to tell their offspring must decide whether to proceed knowing that they could potentially impact their kid's and their family's lives in a very negative way, a way that may have far reaching consequences. That is a tough decision and must weigh heavily on the minds of those dealing with it.

Fiona

Hi Kris
Thanks for a very thoughtful and clear article. And thanks to all those who have responded.
Of course, I have no clear-cut advice and would guess neither you nor anyone else would trust any clear-cut advice on this from me or perhaps anyone else - I wouldn't!
You've certainly hit a nail on the head for many of us and that definitely includes me.
I told my wife about my crossdressing within a week of us meeting - not easy to do and not easy for her to hear and accept. But she reflected on it and decided that, on balance, she wanted our relationship to develop and continue.
She has never seen me dressed nor seen any photos of me dressed. We've been together nearly 35 years now.
However, we do discuss my crossdressing now and again and she's given me items, including intimate ones, when she no longer wants them. And she's done some sewing jobs for me, including altering a vintage dress for me after I had offered it to her - yes, I think she knew I bought it in the hope that she wouldn't want it! It was her idea to alter the dress as she observed, correctly, that the neckline was too high.
I told half of my close friends (when in my 20s) but didn't tell the others because I sensed that after the initial raised eyebrows and questions, it soon became an uninteresting subject for them. We're all still friends to this day.
I was discovered by my brother and his future wife when I fell asleep on the sofa with a dress on about 45 years ago.
We have two daughters aged 30 and 24. Similar to you and some who have responded, I want to tell them, but my wife is in the closet on this and I have agreed to inhabit that closet with her.
I am convinced that both our daughters would be fine with it. They are both very interested in non-binary gender issues and have friends who are gender fluid and so on. They've both asked me about my gender orientation. I think this is because they each sense that my character, my approach to life and the way I communicate all have substantial elements that are generally considered to be female - I am certainly not an alpha male.
I have so far been able to manage these conversations without revealing that I am a crossdresser or that I feel I have a female self while being a cis-gendered male. (I have always been comfortable in my male body and am bisexual leaning more towards heterosexual.)
So I keep my answers brief and honest without being fully disclosing. I have told each of them that I'm happy to be male but I feel that I have many female aspects to my personality and ways of dealing with life. I think that they each respect my privacy and they refrain from any form of interrogation.
I wonder if they do know, or have seen indicators that make them suspect, that I am a crossdresser. I hope that one day I will be able to tell them.
My wife knows that I would wish to tell them. I think she also feels that they'd have no problem with me being a crossdresser, but for her she wants to keep it private that her partner/husband is a crossdresser.
I don't feel I am entitled to have my own way on this while simultaneously feeling that I should be able to be open with those who I want to be open with on this - especially our daughters. I don't think either of these opposing feelings are right or wrong. For me, it's a bit like the individualistic versus the collective and the cultural spectrum of those two concepts that underpin cultures and societies throughout the world. And the tensions between those two concepts vary and change according to the context and dynamics within each family.
The Keystone session on this sounds like it must have been very interesting and stimulating. I think that such a session would not be able to give an answer or set of answers and I would guess that anyone like you, me or those who have responded to your article would feel uncomfortable with anything prescriptive on this coming from a session leader or panel or "expert".
Thanks again, Kris, for writing about this. Through writing this response, you have helped me articulate for myself what has been swilling around in my thoughts, internal dialogue and instincts over the last few years.
If I do end up telling my daughters, I hope that I would do so in a way that leaves them to process things for themselves without any attempts by me to control their feelings or reactions. But I think that they would make it quite easy for me to be authentic and honest with them.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do or not do.

Whether in a relationship or not it is always a dilemma.I am not in a relationship but similar principles apply. Firstly the reactions and then the ramifications. You are okay with your partner which is a great thing to have.

For me the decision to come out was the fact that I wanted to progress my dressing in going out more and needed support. It became clear to me I had to tell people and started with those who were likely to drop in unannounced and that was family. I expect you know your sons well, likes, dislikes and views but you also have to consider that they want to tell their partners so the effect goes on. This is what I considered before coming out and once I started I got positive reactions and then went on to telling friends and so on.

In my experience it went better than expected and in only one case a sibling was unsure but has come round. Her daughter and partner know and their children know me as Aunty - that's how far telling people has bought me.

Of course it isn't the same for everyone but in your case you may want to progress the dressing so the fear and probability of being caught increases.

I hope that overcome the dilemma.

I went through something similar a couple of years with my two adult children, a son and a daughter. We are a small, close family, the older daughter is married, but our son is single and moved back in during the early part of the pandemic and has yet to move back out!

Since I was getting more and "out there" my wife was starting to join me on some outings as she got to know some of the other wives of the CDs.
Specifically the various dinners and other events I was being invited to as I got to know more people in the crossdressing and MtF transgender community.

This was a bit of a change from the usual things our kids grew up with, to whit, cars and car club events was about all we ever did. Dinners, car tours, cruises, car shows, flea markets, the whole gamut they grew up going to and it was our main social life.
A great one it is too!
So many awesome people, and I was President of one of them for many years, and on the board of several others.
So now we are going and doing things, staying overnight at times, and not an antique car in sight. Then I was invited to be on the board of a local CD and TG support group.
Me and my big mouth I guess.

I started wondering what our children were thinking and felt I should tell them so they will understand what is going on.
A boss I once had many years ago gave me this little piece of advice in dealing with staff, and I use it in other parts of my life. If at all possible tell them the truth, as they will get answers anyway, they might not be the right ones, so give them the correct one!
Eventually my wife came around to this point of view. First I told my daughter and who was very cool with it and wanted to see pictures! So I sent some to her. The next night she was out with some other women, mostly current and former work colleagues and when asked, "What's new in your life" she told them! They were all cool with it too, mostly because she was.
She also told her husband who is good with it too.

Then it took a bit more courage to tell my son, which went well, saying to me, Dad you can be anything you want and it's fine with me.
My daughter and son in law now have been to dinners with us and others from the group, however my son has declined to actually meet his Auntie Amy.
Otherwise our relationship seems to be very sound, we still work well together.

Every person and family dynamic is different and this has worked well for me and I'm much more comfortable like this.
Amy

Thanks so much for your story, Kris. Coming out to kids is a hard thing to figure out.
Depends so much on how much you need/want to dress, how likely they will find out and how they will react. You just don't know until it happens. Even the reaction you get today might be totally different 2 years from now.
For me it was taken out of my hands. When I let my X find out the first thing she did was to tell out 3 grown kids. My oldest says she does,t care, in fact I often go to her apartment to visit her, her husband and her 2 girls. So far Cassie is welcome.
My #2 daughter says she doesn't want to talk about it, BUT when she stops to visit (I was watching her dog over the 4th weekend) I am Cassie the whole time. Seems no big deal, but we still don't talk about it.
My 28 year old son does,t want to talk about it or see me dressed. In fact on Father's day he didn't even wish me a happy father's day. My girls did.

Good luck to you and your family, Kris.
. Cassie

Kris,

Such a great article addressing a profound dilemma for me and countless others. Your story resonates so much with me. On one hand, I'd love to be totally out to the world. The thing that always stops me is that "they would just not understand." Nowadays, most people understand the first two letters of LGBTQ (lesbian and gay), some understand the bisexual and transgender part, but when you start getting into queer and then the many gender variations (Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, Two-Spirited, and Asexual), fugget about it. And within this alphabet soup of misunderstanding, there is no consecutive C and D. IMO, nobody knows what to do with us cross dressers and neither do we understand it ourselves in many cases. .

So although we fall somewhere on the transgender spectrum (again, IMO), we're looking at an even larger gap in understanding exactly who we are and what we do (and we're all individuals within the CD mini-spectrum that exists within the larger trans spectrum).

I like your line of reasoning about some things being private, and that applies to everyone. And also the idea that we all need to question what we hope to gain by coming out, and to whom.

I'm choosing to operate in the "it's private" mode for the time being. Maybe that will change one day but at this stage, I'd don't have time or energy to deal with all the drama that's likely to ensue.

Thanks again for a fantastic article, Kris.

Mona

Thanks Kris. I have a different story to tell.

My wife and I had already decided to divorce, but were staying together for a few more years until my youngest was 18 so we didn't have to deal with child support issues. I had decided that I would tell my kids at some point. I didn't want them finding my stuff after I was no longer around and unable to answer any questions,

Well at some point my youngest (16 at the time) found my stuff, so I came out to her. Since then I was able to go to my support meetings dressing at home beforehand. She later felt comfortable to let me know that she was asexual, but later that she's a lesbian.

Because of my monthly meetings, when helping my son (about 22 at the time) drive home from college (about 2000 miles away) I told him so he wouldn't have a problem when I went out. He told me he had seen me "sneaking around" occasionally at night.

I told my middle child (a daughter, about 21 at the time) when I went with her as she was shopping for wedding dresses. Although she has never seen me or pictures, she was cool with it.

I now dress as often as I want in front of my oldest and youngest who are still living at home. Sometimes fully dressed, sometimes just a skirt and top, sometimes a more fetish outfit. They don't care, I'm still Dad to them no matter how I'm dressed. For me, telling them was the best decision I made. You have to make your own decision, as your situation is different than mine.