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What About The Kids - When They're Not Kids

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Posts: 21
(@athelas)
Eminent Member     Ohio, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

My eldest son, who staffs a suicide prevention line, would probably be cool with it.
My third son, who may be gay ( he doesn't live with me and my wife, his step mom, and has never talked about his sexuality with me) would probably accept it but would be floored.
My second son, who works for a large university, I think would be OK but his wife is a devout Catholic, and if I told him, he'd prob feel obligated to tell his wife and I'm not sure how she'd react. This is the one of my four kids who's most likely to produce grandkids, and I certainly don't want to alienate them.
My daughter (fourth child) won't introduce me to her boyfriend because I am "too intimidating" as a retired physician. I don't think I am intimidating, and possibly admitting to my crossdressing hobby (I don't define myself as a crossdresser, rather as a man who likes to crossdress a couple times per week) would knock me off that pedestal she's placed me on. On the other hand, I think the admission would be met with strong disapproval.
So if I tell sons 1 &3, what are the chances that the other 2 offspring find out? 2&4 are out of state, and 1&3 don't live in my house. At this point, I'm not telling any of them because I'm not 100% sure the reveal would better my relationship with them - and that is one genie that can't go back into the bottle once it's released.

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Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

HI Danielle - Yes, you are quite right, there is no going back once you make the decision to come out with full disclosure, and must accept the consequences if you choose that route. I think our kids even as adults have certain images in their mind of what we are. Do we want that to change, because they undoubtedly will. Of course, remaining private has its consequences too, so a decision one way or the other must be made. All we can do is attempt to gauge those consequences as best we can - no small undertaking.

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Posts: 186
Lady
(@erikabell)
Reputable Member     Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Kris,

Such a good article. Like so many others here that debate of who will know and who will not is ongoing. At this point my circle is very small. My kids 18, 9, and 9. Do not know. At this point I have no intention on telling them. Not that my eldest daughter wounldnt be accepting. Or that my youngest dont really have the capacity to fully understand what im saying but would blab. Its that I dont believe I've fully developed my own understanding or capabilities of what I can achieve. My out of the closet life has been short lived so far. So im with you and others. This part of me will be marked private for some time. But likely not forever.

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Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

HI Erika - I'm so glad you relate to my article, and from what you write it looks like we have more than a little in common on this matter! For me, the "marked private" designation seems to be working, but I recognize the longer I go into that the harder it will be if a full disclosure becomes necessary for some reason. In truth, telling my wife was easier!
Best,
Kris

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Posts: 34
(@autumngirl)
Eminent Member     Virginia, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Kris,

I really appreciate your article as I am trying to decide (with my wife and therapist) when/if to tell my adult son and daughter. Both are in their twenties, on their own and out of the house. My relationship with my son was not always close when he was younger; I was in the military and was away from home quite a bit. I don't want to ruin what has become a great relationship with him. However, as I have seen family pass away, I realize "someone" is going to have to deal with all of your stuff and I don't want questions unanswered.

My preference would be to "come-out" to both kids; I feel a big weight would be lifted from both my wife and I. I think my daughter would accept Natalie, but I am not sure about my son. We've developed a strong father-son bond as he's grown older. I'd like to think I would be understanding with him if the situation were reversed.

Due to my military career, the last few years have been pretty void of me dressing. However, now that I am retired and in a regular civilian job, so that is no longer an issue. I certainly want to further explore this side of me and dress even more so that I get better and better passing as a woman. My wife isn't quite there with me and we have some older & conservative neighbors. Even so, I know I am not being true to myself and my wife until more of Natalie becomes a regular part of our lives. I'd LOVE to go to Keystone! Other than CDH, I don't know any other CDs (especially local) that I could develop a friendship with. It is hard not to have face to face conversation with someone like you and get advice, share experiences, and feel accepted.

Anyway, your article really speaks to me and I appreciate it. Hopefully Natalie can be a larger and accepted part of my family's lives in the future and be part of the larger CD community in person!

Thanks & Best,
Natalie

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Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

HI Natalie -I'm glad you like my article. From what you write it looks like we have a lot in common with our stories as well. The desire to be true to yourself and ALL of you loved ones weighs heavily on the decision I will eventually make, but the insecurity of what happens afterward holds me back from full disclosure - even as I know such a disclosure may be imminent.

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Posts: 364
Lady
(@sf)
Prominent Member     SoCal, California, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Kris.... I enjoyed reading your article, very well written. As a "late blooming" crossdresser, I too have a similar dilemma. I have two grown, well established daughters who have families. They grew up with a dad (me) who had a "macho" job and was very much involved in their lives. It was fun.
They may know, or suspect, that I dress - they aren't stupid - but the subject has never come up and I have not told them, not certain of I ever will.
The wife thinks that they would be devastated if they found out. Devastation may be extreme, but they might not be too happy about their dad wearing gals clothes.
For now, I have no plans to tell the kids.
Again, a cool, thought provoking tome that you penned. Thanks, have fun... Staci..

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Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

HI Staci - I'm glad you enjoyed the article. I see you identify yourself as a late bloomer also, and it just could be that we are at an advantage when it comes to revealing ones self to the children. Aside from just a few private skirmishes with my wife's pantyhose, I had no crossdressing experiences at all when they still lived with us. That in itself makes it much easier for the secret to be kept. In so doing though, does it make the the risk and the "devastation" of an accidental outing outing even greater - or is it wise not to rock the boat unless you need to? Hmmm....

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Posts: 3
Lady
(@maryloo)
New Member     North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Kris,

What a great article and judging by the number of comments and long ones at that, I think you clearly have hit upon a relatable topic to many.

I am yet another happily married heterosexual cross dressers only, who has personally never left my house, I have 2 kids in their 20s and though my wife has been aware of my proclivity for the 30+ years of our relationship (she is not a fan of being in my closet with me nor of the closet itself) my kids have no idea nor do I feel the need to tell them. The my business, marked private philosophy, definitely works for me. I don’t think either would have a problem with it, but I think both would be very surprised. Then again, who knows what they have snooped into in the past and discovered. Mind you I have only had my stuff for a year or so now so there wasn’t much for them to find in the past anyway because it was all my wife’s.

My issue is I don’t trust them telling their friends, or other family members or other people that I just don’t want to know. I am not at a point in my journey where I feel the need to let others into my closet besides fellow cross dressers via forums like this and even then I am very guarded. Granted, though I started at a very young age, I didn’t REALLY get started until a little over a year ago.

Thanks again for such a well written article that was relatable and thought provoking. Looking forward to more great content by you.

Mary Loo

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1 Reply
Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

Hi Mary Loo - I'm glad you found my article relatable. Yes we have many similarities in our backgrounds and stories, and I've heard from so many late bloomers like we are with a similar quandary. You bring up an intereting point too. Whenever you tell someone, even a close loved one, you run the risk of your outing expanding exponentially. So, if you decide to make the big reveal you must also brace yourself to potentially be outed to far more persons than you realize. Such a revelation should be placed squarely in the "cons" category for those - myself included - who are contemplating coming out to their children, no matter what age.
Best to you and yours,
Kris

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Posts: 69
Hostess
(@ellie52)
Estimable Member     Perth, Western Australia, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Kris.
What a fantastic read - You know my story so i wont bore you with that, but there are a lot of similarities between us and what you are going through now. It is a very stressful time and we can always take the easy way out and say -Its worked so far- But is that the right choice? Only you can tell.
There are many things to consider before letting the genie out of the bottle because once its out there, there is no putting it back. But keeping with the Genie analogy what would your three wishes be? I can guess the first one - acceptance but what about the other two?
So there are pros and cons both sides of this dilema but to me HONESTY is the primary reason for disclosure. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you are honest with those around you, and your wife will be a lot less stressed about the phone calls etc. The issue is what happens if it doesnt end with hugs and flowers? Thats for you to figure out but at least you have been HONEST and that in itself deserves applause. Its alot better than someone finding a size 10 shoe in your closet or that the kids hear it from the next door neighbour.
Sorry to ramble on like this....
Take care and I hope it all works out for you which ever road you take.
Hugs
Ellie xxxx

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1 Reply
Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

Hi Ellie - I'm glad you liked the article. In fact, I did have our known similarities and differences in mind when I wrote it. I know your full disclosure has worked well for you, and your focus on honesty is a primary consideration for sure. As you also know, there is also another person in this equation and she is not quite so in favor if it. We can go on indefinitely as it stands. A dishonesty of omission rather than commission? It is starting to feel that way, and there has to be a better way. I know we'll speak of this again!
All the best,
Kris

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Posts: 72
Lady
(@emily2day)
Estimable Member     DFW, Texas, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

So, as of this last weekend I am out to my Sister-in-Law, and her family which to my suprise seem very supportive. it was mine and my wifes decision to include them in our adventure we call life. my son is 22 and while I have never said anything directly to him, he knows as I havent exactly hid it, with the 6 wigs and half a closet full of women's clothing I have. my wife is super supportive and even shops for Emily when I'm not with her.

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Lady
(@krisburton)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 468

HI Emily - There is something to be said for the coming out approach you outline here, especially as related to our adult children. Just lay it all out there in a matter of fact way. There is no need to be super serious about it, and when the questions come answer with honesty and without t hesitation. .Your wife's involvement and support certainly help, and we must all remember that we are doing NOTHING WRONG!

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Posts: 188
(@borealis)
Reputable Member     Tomahawk Area, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Kris,
During our last days together my ex-wife chose Thanksgiving Day to insist I tell my children about my sick and demented second life. She ( my ex-wife) was sobbing out of control and I think they were expecting I was going to announce I was a child rapist. After coming clean, my son (27) seemed sad but gave me a hug and insured me of his love and respect for me. My daughter (30), a trained cosmetologist, told me if I needed help with make-up she would be glad to help. I'm quite sure that was not the reaction my wife hoped for.
Which leads me to a question for you all. If I dressed as Superwoman and went to Com-icon would I be looked down on and labeled a freak? How about acting out as a character in a medieval folk fest, or at a Halloween party? Why is our second life so looked down on by so many? Feminine woman can dress and act manly but the reverse is taboo. It is really nothing more than adult "make believe" usually behind closed doors.
Thankfully, the younger generation does not seem to care much and even most old timers don't seem to give a shit anymore. I guess I was born a little too soon. LuvNHugs, TERI

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