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What am I becoming? What am I Now?
I’ve struggled with this question in the past, and still do. It stemmed in part from a common expression put to me by a couple of my long time male friends, who know nothing about the existence of Amy, and a shared concern of all as to where we are going. I like the analogy that this life is like a transit bus that we are all on right now, and though we may have gotten on at different stations and then off at different places along the way, we are all here right now.
I cant say that I’d ever been a macho kind of guy. I do have a few male friends that I really don’t want to open up to about my femme side. I’m sure it would be the gamut of reactions, some I would lose, some might not care, others would find their interaction with me forever coloured by their knowledge of Amy.
So, getting back to this, one gent referred to me as an “Honest man,” and then a few days later another used the phrase, “You’re an easy man to get along with.” Well, I sincerely hope both are true, but it got me wanting to say something like, what if I don’t look like a man? What am I then?
Around the same time, I went to a cross gender boutique for some clothes plus a few other items in drab and a similar conversation ensued. After a bit of discussion, I was told, well, “Here you’re a girl”! That might certainly be true, too! That’s when it started to hit home to me, I’m really not what I used to be, and it was a very scary thought.
It was then that another friend of mine used this old expression to again describe me, “You’re an easy man to get along with.” Wow, I thought, if only you could see me when I’m dolled up ready to go out with the other “girls.” What would you say or think? I’m not sure how understanding he would be if he knew of my femme side. Though, isn’t that always the conundrum; who is going to be understanding and who isn’t? One never really knows until you open up. For now, I’m definitely not opening up to that side of my life.
In the past, when I simply dressed the odd time it was for fun and relaxation, it didn’t seem to intrude on my male person. Since late 2018, my Amy side has grown exponentially, and I wonder about some of those old clichés that were used to describe me. Are they still true? I used to describe myself as a “Regular Guy.” Though, I suppose it depends on what regular is… If it means a hetero guy who likes women and tries to be very good to them, who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink much beer, doesn’t gamble, etc. etc., then that would have been me. Maybe you’d think that would be a boring guy!
As Amy started to grow her wings, the phrase “regular guy” doesn’t seem to really fit anymore. Now if by a regular guy you mean someone who owns more women’s clothes than his wife (shoes too!), gets dolled up in them a few times a month and even goes out. That would be me. However, I rather think my male friends wouldn’t agree and describe that as a regular guy!
You can say the use of labels gets in the way of the truth about what we really are, which can be true, but often times one needs the label to be able to feel you belong somewhere, anywhere. I know that I do, if you, dear reader feel different, that’s a good thing and this dilemma isn’t one we share.
So whatever the truth seems to be, it really comes down to this. We are what we are, very complex beings with many different facets to our personalities and lives. For many of us, there are defiantly demons we have to tame or at least come to some kind of peace with. For me, I am more at peace with myself of late, as I’ve come to realize and fully accept that I need to check the box at the bottom of the column, beside “All of the Above”
For those who know the old me, I am still that regular guy. To my newer friends, here and elsewhere that know of Amy, I’m that crossdresser girl with nice legs.
For myself, I’m simply me, regardless of how I look or feel at the time.
My dear, dear Amy
I have just read your article, OMG I could have been reading about me.
I have reached the same cross roads, who am I, what am I, who am I becoming.
After dressing in secret keeping my other self in the shadows, to all my friends I that easy going up standing guy.
These past few months my feminine other self is coming out stronger than ever so much so that I have now named her krissy, I have never felt the need to name her before.
Now in the last couple of weeks ( since I have been off work furloughed) I have been krissy 24/7 and I feel that I have turned at the cross roads, and krissy has now reached the surface and is very much a part of me and who I am .
I hope that as I start to tell people that they will still see me as that regular guy , regardless of what I am wearing weather I’m krissy or Chris, because I am still me.
Krissy
Krissy, thank you for the kinds words. I hope you find your way, yes our femme sides only seem to get stronger!
Amy
Krissy, thank you for the kinds words. I hope you find your way, yes our femme sides only seem to get stronger!
Amy
I loved the article and thought for a moment that I wrote the whole thing. It describes me what I feel and what I struggle with as a closet CD. Thank you
Thank you as well, Ricki. I really wasn't sure about it, as some of my thoughts seemed to me to so out on a limb.
Amy
Thank you as well, Ricki. I really wasn't sure about it, as some of my thoughts seemed to me to so out on a limb.
Amy
I loved the article and thought for a moment that I wrote the whole thing. It describes me what I feel and what I struggle with as a closet CD. Thank you
My dear, dear Amy
I have just read your article, OMG I could have been reading about me.
I have reached the same cross roads, who am I, what am I, who am I becoming.
After dressing in secret keeping my other self in the shadows, to all my friends I that easy going up standing guy.
These past few months my feminine other self is coming out stronger than ever so much so that I have now named her krissy, I have never felt the need to name her before.
Now in the last couple of weeks ( since I have been off work furloughed) I have been krissy 24/7 and I feel that I have turned at the cross roads, and krissy has now reached the surface and is very much a part of me and who I am .
I hope that as I start to tell people that they will still see me as that regular guy , regardless of what I am wearing weather I’m krissy or Chris, because I am still me.
Krissy
Amy,
I too just read your article.. As Krissy said I too thought I was reading about me!! That is why I love CDH.. I know I am not
alone . You have such a way with words. Thank you for your article... Be well and be safe, Leonara
Thanks, Leonara, I greatly appreciate all of the nice words. I simply try to talk about what I've gone through, and hope it can help another.
Amy
Thanks, Leonara, I greatly appreciate all of the nice words. I simply try to talk about what I've gone through, and hope it can help another.
Amy
Amy,
I too just read your article.. As Krissy said I too thought I was reading about me!! That is why I love CDH.. I know I am not
alone . You have such a way with words. Thank you for your article... Be well and be safe, Leonara
I love this so much... I'm literally falling asleep right now but wanted to reply so I can come back tomorrow sometime and actually reply..
I love this so much... I'm literally falling asleep right now but wanted to reply so I can come back tomorrow sometime and actually reply..
To Amy
Reading your post enlightened me about something that you said and I quote" I'm really not what I used to be " This is exactly how I feel about myself. I've told about going on vacation and living as a girl before on this site Well after doing that ive never felt the same about being a man. I go through the motions of being a man but I really don't feel like I'm the same man who lived as a female. I find myself dressing en femme a lot more than I used to and presenting myself as a female more than ever I think that week i spent as a female somehow changed the way that i perceive myself
I liked the attention and liked the way I was received by everyone who I met and spent time with
I used to think about myself as a straight heterosexual man but after meeting a man on vacation and spending time with him I'm not sure that I'm as straight as I thought I was
It's opened my eyes to see that I liked the way that i was treated by this man and I don't see anything wrong with it.
So Amy, you see
I'm not sure that I'm what I used to be
Hugs and kisses
Jannie
Thank you Jannie. It feels so odd to dress up nice and then I do sometimes get admiring looks from men, and have been chatted up the odd time too. Odd, since I identify with what you said, about being hetro, but then why do I like to look attractive?
Amy
Thank you Jannie. It feels so odd to dress up nice and then I do sometimes get admiring looks from men, and have been chatted up the odd time too. Odd, since I identify with what you said, about being hetro, but then why do I like to look attractive?
Amy
To Amy
Reading your post enlightened me about something that you said and I quote" I'm really not what I used to be " This is exactly how I feel about myself. I've told about going on vacation and living as a girl before on this site Well after doing that ive never felt the same about being a man. I go through the motions of being a man but I really don't feel like I'm the same man who lived as a female. I find myself dressing en femme a lot more than I used to and presenting myself as a female more than ever I think that week i spent as a female somehow changed the way that i perceive myself
I liked the attention and liked the way I was received by everyone who I met and spent time with
I used to think about myself as a straight heterosexual man but after meeting a man on vacation and spending time with him I'm not sure that I'm as straight as I thought I was
It's opened my eyes to see that I liked the way that i was treated by this man and I don't see anything wrong with it.
So Amy, you see
I'm not sure that I'm what I used to be
Hugs and kisses
Jannie
Ms Amy; Wonderful photo pose at the desk. Very nice article. I started Dressing in the Fall of 2018. Your article has brought to the surface my own thoughts of acceptance. I don’t have the childhood experiences that many have. I was 59 when the femme bug bite me, which totally confused me. Well now I’m 60. I’ve come to adore much of my femme side, who I have become. It saddens me that I have discovered this brighter, cheerier side of myself that is restrained to the Closet. I’m 100% sure there wouldn’t be any acceptance or understanding if Davida were to step out and claim her identity as a Dresser or just to simply show the feminine side of the personality they already know. I applaud the freedoms you’ve claimed for yourself. To stroll the public arena as Amy. Good on Y’all Sweet Pea!
Thank you, Davida, yes that is me at me desk, instead of a stock photo that the editor chooses! I felt it was time to come a bit further out of hiding. Stepping out is a scary thing, and frought with difficulty, I think there is a time when something inside of you needs to make that jump. Depends where you are too, some places being more accepting than others.
Amy
Thank you, Davida, yes that is me at me desk, instead of a stock photo that the editor chooses! I felt it was time to come a bit further out of hiding. Stepping out is a scary thing, and frought with difficulty, I think there is a time when something inside of you needs to make that jump. Depends where you are too, some places being more accepting than others.
Amy
Ms Amy; Wonderful photo pose at the desk. Very nice article. I started Dressing in the Fall of 2018. Your article has brought to the surface my own thoughts of acceptance. I don’t have the childhood experiences that many have. I was 59 when the femme bug bite me, which totally confused me. Well now I’m 60. I’ve come to adore much of my femme side, who I have become. It saddens me that I have discovered this brighter, cheerier side of myself that is restrained to the Closet. I’m 100% sure there wouldn’t be any acceptance or understanding if Davida were to step out and claim her identity as a Dresser or just to simply show the feminine side of the personality they already know. I applaud the freedoms you’ve claimed for yourself. To stroll the public arena as Amy. Good on Y’all Sweet Pea!
Hi Amy,
Terrific article girl! Like some of the other girls wrote here, it reads like I think.
It got me thinking about other things people have said to me, like, "I feel like I know you so well". I look back at them and smile and think to myself, "Do you? If you did, what would you really think?" Sometimes makes me wonder if I sound like some kind of sociopath in my head. Then I start to wonder...do they know?
You hit the nail on the head about labels! What a dichotomy. I hate labels, but they are important to when you need to feel you belong. When they go against your grain or keep you out, they are restricting. Gives me such a headache 🙂
I am on that transit bus and don't know where it's taking me. I have things that are so important to me on each side and do not want to lose either, so much to the point that I am not at peace with everything. I wish I could find the comfort and inner peace you have found, I am so happy for you and very envious.
For what it's worth, you're not boring Amy!
Hugs,
Lisa
Thank you Lisa. That is indeed a fine compliment you pay me! I'm not sure I am quite all as together as that, but I am so much closer than I was this time last year. My problem seems to be, I always want to push my boundaries more, and I'm not sure where that will take me!
Amy
Thank you Lisa. That is indeed a fine compliment you pay me! I'm not sure I am quite all as together as that, but I am so much closer than I was this time last year. My problem seems to be, I always want to push my boundaries more, and I'm not sure where that will take me!
Amy
Hi Amy,
Terrific article girl! Like some of the other girls wrote here, it reads like I think.
It got me thinking about other things people have said to me, like, "I feel like I know you so well". I look back at them and smile and think to myself, "Do you? If you did, what would you really think?" Sometimes makes me wonder if I sound like some kind of sociopath in my head. Then I start to wonder...do they know?
You hit the nail on the head about labels! What a dichotomy. I hate labels, but they are important to when you need to feel you belong. When they go against your grain or keep you out, they are restricting. Gives me such a headache 🙂
I am on that transit bus and don't know where it's taking me. I have things that are so important to me on each side and do not want to lose either, so much to the point that I am not at peace with everything. I wish I could find the comfort and inner peace you have found, I am so happy for you and very envious.
For what it's worth, you're not boring Amy!
Hugs,
Lisa
Amy,
Well stated. As many have already said, this could have been written by me. I have always been referred to as the "nice guy". In some situations being the "nice guy" is a curse but for most situations it is a great compliment. I love being the person that is respected, considerate, dependable, easy to talk to and non threatening. Maybe it is because I am on the gentler side of masculinity or maybe the the more confident side of femininty. Maybe i'm right down the middle. I see and understand both sides and as a result I respect most everyone and I am respected back. Sometimes I wonder, if I were the same person but female how would women, or men for that matter, see me? Would I be the "nice girl"?
Thank you Jamie. Yes I did not use that phrase, but I too have been described as a "nice guy", and do try to be to everyone. That has allowed some people to have taken advantage of me from time to time, which hurts and angers me, but I cannot change my nature!
Perhaps most of those "nice guys" out there have a hidden feminine side???
Amy
Thank you Jamie. Yes I did not use that phrase, but I too have been described as a "nice guy", and do try to be to everyone. That has allowed some people to have taken advantage of me from time to time, which hurts and angers me, but I cannot change my nature!
Perhaps most of those "nice guys" out there have a hidden feminine side???
Amy
Amy,
Well stated. As many have already said, this could have been written by me. I have always been referred to as the "nice guy". In some situations being the "nice guy" is a curse but for most situations it is a great compliment. I love being the person that is respected, considerate, dependable, easy to talk to and non threatening. Maybe it is because I am on the gentler side of masculinity or maybe the the more confident side of femininty. Maybe i'm right down the middle. I see and understand both sides and as a result I respect most everyone and I am respected back. Sometimes I wonder, if I were the same person but female how would women, or men for that matter, see me? Would I be the "nice girl"?
