What and who am I?

I feel as if I have both a girl and boy spirit occupying my same body. Since they live in the same body, it feels to them like a house or home they share in common. What is interesting, and I suppose natural is that the girl spirit likes men and the boy spirit likes girls. They both seem heterosexual in their own way. They are intimately connected, and while one is involved the other is emotionally present or in the background observing. And sometimes, they are both present at the same time.

When looking at lingerie - both spirits are engaged. My female spirit is imagining how nice she will look wearing it and the male spirit enjoys the experience, wanting to see her wearing it. The shared experience is more heightened than normal because they bring both feelings together into one mindset.

My female spirit has been dormant most of her life, until recently. The more Brenda comes out of her dormancy, the more she participates in intimate moments with my wife. And so as not to be deceptive with my wife, I declare to her whether my body is acting as male, female, or both.

I ask myself, how do I know that my female spirit is not just some sexual fetish? I guess it is because each of them has different interests. The male enjoys treating other cars as competitors when driving on the roadway and the female likes to look at the scenery; she doesn’t particularly care if somebody passes her in another lane.

So in general, the male is more uptight and the female spirit is mellower and doesn’t have to win at all cost. Before I met and married my wife, I was having ED issues. This went away when I found the love of my wife. We have two fine (now adult) children. A few years after this successful period, the problem returned. Since this is of such importance to me, the male started wishing he were dead. I am not suicidal; it's the male lamenting his reeling feelings of self-worth. The loss of his ability to function feels like the end of the world.

Added to this, another thing happened to me when I tried to rescue a fellow hiker from a fall. I ended up with a distal rupture of my right bicep muscle. The muscle was torn away from the bone at the elbow. My surgeon is not recommending surgery since the chance of a good outcome is poor. So I really cannot, without a lot of luck, ever be wholly functional again. This has become another thing to demoralize me. I can't use a cork screw to unscrew a bottle of wine. While it is sad-funny, I had that voice of doom back and twice as strong.

As a result of these two male traumas, my dormant female side offered to help me in what might be a compensating natural progression. It isn't just because I've had a couple mishaps to my male ego that I am a crossdresser. I feel like I am really her and she is me! In fact, she gives me a reason to look forward to each day and the new exciting experiences that await me. I am happy to be on this journey of discovery and in accepting my true, authentic self.