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With my heart pounding, I did the quick calculations to see if I had time after my shower. Could I get to my secret shoebox, find panties, slip them on and get dressed for work before someone walked in? This was the process almost every day. Sometimes I made it, other days something came up and it felt too risky. On those days I always told myself it was no big deal that I wasn’t underdressed - this is just something that’s a little extra fun! It doesn’t mean anything other than a little naughty thrill. Right? So why on those days did I feel if not sadness, a certain emptiness or void, like a part of me was closed in that box I had so carefully stashed away? Maybe because it was.
Over the years I’ve learned how many girls share elements of my story. Started as an early teen, access to an older sister’s underwear and clothes, an element of sexual thrill.....on and on. As an adult, packing panties and lingerie for business trips, secret nights alone in the hotel while traveling, picking up something here and there while shopping, rescuing panties that my wife was casting off, and finding places to hide my things. Oh - and many purges, driven by guilt and shame. I did tell my wife along the way about wearing feminine clothing and she was cautiously supportive, but not very interested. Of course, I tempered my revelation with all of the usual bromides: it’s a texture thing, they just feel nice, it’s a fun little harmless thrill.....blah blah blah. While I genuinely didn’t understand at the time, at my core I knew there was more to it. Looking back, I know she did too.
I’m an introspective person who is never satisfied with “that’s the way it is.” Eventually I had to ask myself where this all came from. Hard questions with unknown answers are scary, particularly when you’re examining yourself as a person and what you think you know. Every now and then I would read something, see something, think of something, or ask myself a question....and click. One more tumbler in the lock would fall.
Why was I so attracted to something that made me feel so awful at times? After marrying my wife, the questions intensified, as did the guilt. I was beyond attracted to her and our sex life was amazing. So, it couldn’t be that I was needing to replace something. Was it a simple fetish? Eventually I had to answer no, because the overt sexual connection was no longer there (one wasn’t necessary for the other). Of course, I still loved how I looked and felt, but that wasn’t the only reason.
No. The answer was at the same time simpler yet infinitely more complicated. It was a part of me. It was part of who I was. It was the need to express something at my core, so personally and fundamentally about me that closing it off was causing stress and making me unhappy. I could no more move away from dressing permanently than I could change my blood type or genetics.
One night recently, as my wife and I were together, I remember being just blissfully happy. As I was taking in everything about her and our connection, I was trying to capture as much of her in my mind as I could. Her soft skin, hair, perfume, painted nails, makeup; her clothes and lingerie falling perfectly on her body. The soft caress on her skin and what it all must feel like to her. I told her how I could never get enough of her and in my mind, I remember thinking something that I didn’t know how to express - I couldn’t get physically close enough to her as I felt I needed and wanted to be. I felt a draw and desire that could be described only as essentially needing to be her....to be in her place and in some way experience what she was feeling.
Click. The last tumbler fell and the lock opened.
In a flash I understood! It was Nicole. Her hands were pressed against my heart, letting me know what my feelings meant. She needed to be out. She needed to have her own expression and sense of being; a separate sense of self while remaining an integral part of me. It was as if she and I had our faces and palms pressed to glass, looking at each other with relieved smiles. Suddenly it all made sense.
As I read more and more, I began to understand the concept of self and how it could be - and almost always was - far more complex than the simple “one or the other” mantra that we’re told to accept literally from day one. But why? We all understand and accept, even encourage putting on different hats as we go through life. I’m usually a different person at work than at home. I was a different parent of babies than I am as a parent of older kids. I interact with siblings differently from friends. When I was in the military, I certainly had a different approach that I had to mindfully step out of when at home. We all understand this, but the idea of embracing a feminine self still remains so taboo as to be nearly impossible to address. Spending an evening dressed and relaxing on the couch is wrong? Why?
But I don’t accept that because there is no good answer. Here I am. I’m Nicole and Nicole is me. I have chosen to take the power for myself and my life. I’ve progressed to the point where my panties are in a drawer with my other things. I have a few other things as well.
My wife and I have a wonderful intimate connection and are open to exploration, so she’s seen me dressed (yes, I was terrified😊). We very recently had a conversation in which I told her that I wanted to explore dressing more fully. Because she’s the most wonderful and loving person on earth, she smiled and said “Yeah, I kind of figured. Let’s talk and read up to learn more.” I don’t for a second take for granted how lucky I am. That doesn’t mean the road will be easy or smooth from here on in. It’s a huge change for both of us and above all else, I’ll be sensitive to the woman who is giving me the space to discover and embrace my feminine side.
I haven’t even fully met Nicole yet, if you think about it. To me she is like the close family member or friend who lives some distance away. I don’t see her often but we know everything about each other, and I know that we’ll pick up right where we left off as we continue to grow together. I know how important she is as part of my life and how important I am as part of hers. For too long I didn’t understand enough to realize how she could fit into my life - and how critical it was that we figure out a way to do so. Rather than regretting time lost, I’m focusing on making now and tomorrow count. And it’s a wonderful feeling!
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Please feel free to take the time to respond to my article or reply to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- How accepting is your wife in regards to you being able to explore your feminine side?
- Are their current limitations your wife puts on your ability to cross dress either in private or public?
- Have you finally reached the point in your cross dressing life where your feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment are totally gone and you are in complete peace with continuing to explore the feminine side of you?
Love to all,
Nicole ❤️
Hi
Thank you Nicole for a wonderful article, setting all the tumbles right does take some doing...and time, searching within ourselves. I too have a wonderful partner, of which I am truly respectful of. I'm quite comfortable now with being ME.
Continue LIVing your best life,
Hugs, Olivia
Thank you, Nicole, for sharing your journey. It would seem as much as we are all the same, we are also each on our own unique journey.
Great article!
Hi Nicole,
I enjoyed your article, thanks for putting it up. Good questions you had, my wife and I have never really discussed limitations but I have developed my own and they seem to be working for both of us. I am not wanting to make an announcement to friends and family and I she is ok with that, which limits things to her comfort level I think. I have been out dressed just once, she seems ok with that but isn’t interested in participating in the adventure. The guilt, embarrassment and shame is way better but those are tough one to tackle! Cheers, Kay
I am very comfortable with my female side. My wife is appalled by the idea, though somewhat accepting by allowing me to have a chest of drawers in an extra bedroom for Panties, Bras and Hosiery and all 3 drawers are full. I also have my clothing hanging in the closet and it takes up half of the closet with my wigs on wig stands. She calls it my dressing room, but I never dress when she is home and would love to get dressed and go out shopping with her. We never talk about the subject. We just pretend it doesn't exist. I wish I could show her a picture of me dressed as I think I make a proper presentation of a woman and I feel that she think I probably look like Rue Paul. Wish I had a way of breaking down the barrier. I think it would improve our relationship
Hi Nicole Thank you so much for your well written article . There is so much feeling that comes with your writing. I can relate on so many levels Your words"I felt a draw and desire that could be described only as essentially needing to be her….to be in her place and in some way experience what she was feeling" I have been there, my wife wanted that for me so i could better understand her. I am not sure if I could ever get there but there were very emotional and exciting times when she tried to show me. My wife is a very sensuous woman, as most woman. There are so many different forms of communication, but you have to be a willing teacher and i had to be open student willing to learn The same goes for my wife. I am sure she believes she believes I have much more to learn. That maybe true in the bed room but in the big bad world of survival i have a lot more to teach. So it comes down to the basics communication and a openness to accept each other as simple human beings that have different needs and wants. When we take the time to learn and teach each other we what truly makes us feel good as people we can learn to have a wonderful life long relationship.
My wife is very accepting of my desire to express my self she wants to learn everything about me. she has committed to spend the rest of her life to me and she deserves and expects to know everything about me.
She does have limits on so many things. She would prefer to see me before a presented my self in public She does not want anyone to hurt or make fun of the person she loves. She does put a limit on spending and does take the time to look for sales for both her and myself. She would prefer I spend more time and money male attire of course i think differently. That i am sure will be a never ending battle.
The guilt and shame went away for good when i accepted those feelings as real and there was nothing wrong with having those feelings. They are just apart of me that should be expressed.I have to decide for how long, part time some times or full time all the time. That will depend how i feel.
Luv Stephanie
Hi Nicole,
Very nice article!
I have a very supportive wife who hasn't really put any restrictions on me. I would like to go out in public, but I am holding me back. Her only restriction on that is we/I go somewhere where I am not known. I told her less then four months into dating and we have been together for 37 years, so we have gotten comfortable with it. I can't say the shame has ever gone away and something I am still working on.
Hugs,
Lisa
Thank you Nicole. You express my thoughts so well. I think that I’m going to share your article with my wife so she can better understand me. We’ll talk about it before and hopefully afterward too. Liza
Thank you, Nicole. A wonderful article. I have only recently admitted to myself the full extent of my other self after decades of guilt, shame, denial and confusion. I feel that I am the luckiest person on earth for having a wife who, after the initial shock at learning not only about my dressing but about the sexual betrayals that stemmed from it, has openly embraced the new me. The trouble is, that I haven’t yet! All those years of shame and guilt and my own socialised view of ‘people like me’ means that the biggest task confronting me is self acceptance. It’s a journey just started - I hope I’m able to match my wife’s generous acceptance of my still developing feminine self. Stories like yours and this website is helping me on that path, so thank you.
Thanks for sharing your journey, Nicole! Regardless of where your path leads you, you've already made the key realization- that Nicole s part of what makes you the person you are. How MUCH of you she is may be yet to be determined but that is something you and your wife can enjoy discovering together!
Cyn
Thank you Nicole! I have been on this journey for such a long time (sometimes not understanding it all). Like you, I am blessed to have a supportive wife who, though not initially understanding, wants and welcomes Natalie as a part of us. We have yet to venture out or to fully embrace Natalie outside of private spaces, but I know my wife wants that for me. Cheers and hugs to all us girls who lift up and support each other on this site!
Best,
Natalie
Nicole, I am glad that you are finding your way through this minefield we often find ourselves in.
I too started young, gave it up for years, and started dressing the odd time, then it really hit me in 2018 and "discovered" Amy in 2019, but I now realize she has been with my most, or all of my life.
I don't feel any shame now about dressing up and expressing my feminine side, though like most of us I did hide it, and was ashamed of myself for so many years.
Now I accept myself fully.
My wife completely accepts my feminine side, though she does like to have her man around most of the time. We don't really have any set limits, but I know she doesn't want me to tell any of the family members, or close friends about Amy, so that's what I'm doing. Though I do long at times to be so much open about this side of me to just about everyone.
I tend to simply regulate myself, as I know what she likes and doesn't like.
Amy
I loved reading this. It’s wonderful. Starting so late in my life, I don’t regret time lost. I do think about how fabulous it would have been to crossdress when I was younger and in better shape. But no regrets.
To address the questions you posed, my wife was always very supportive of me being an underdresser. Before my collection exploded to its current size, she would occasionally bring home things for me that she thought I would like. The only limitation she gave me was that she preferred that I wear masculine cuts when we were going to be intimate.
It was only a few days ago that I expressed to her my desire to go beyond underdressing. She is supportive of me being Mika at home, cosplay conventions, Pride Fest, and Halloween. At this time, she doesn’t want to be out in public with me when I’m en femme and I completely understand because we live in an extremely conservative city. I don’t have the skills to pass in public, yet. Perhaps, when I would be satisfied with my own ability to pass, she will have grown accustomed to me being Mika at home.
Years ago, even before I started underdressing, I understood what I felt I was inside. I openly admitted to my wife that I felt like a lesbian in a man’s body. I think my early acceptance of who I was inside has helped me avoid any shame or embarrassment. Granted, I am still waiting for my first skirt and heels to arrive and I have not had the opportunity to just relax in the living room wearing them. But I am comfortable with the thought of doing so and very excited to start doing it. I can’t predict how I will feel when I go out in public as Mika. This pandemic has ruined the possibilities for my current public comfort levels. But, at my age, and experiences I have had wearing men’s super skinny jeans in the past, I no longer have any fucks to give. So, hopefully, people will start wearing their masks more, large gatherings will start happening again, and I can participate in those events as Mika even if I don’t think I can pass. I think my biggest concern of being outed in public is the possibility of violence rather than embarrassment. If I lived in a more liberal area, I would be more inclined to venture out sooner.
Thanks again for your article. I felt as though I was reading about myself.
