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I'm going to share two stories. The woman I gave my first makeover, and whom I later became friends with, lived in a suburban home. When I had my first makeover, we talked in her back yard for a few minutes, then went inside to do the makeover. When finished, we took some pictures on her back porch. Then I went into the back yard and sat all alone while she went inside to change so we could go out to eat. It was a little nervewracking at first, but I just sat there quietly.
Over the years she held many events in her back yard, from parties to an annual CDH-banned-S-word maid competition. On her website, in the FAQ section, was the question "What do your neighbors say?" Her answer was "The neighbors say 'Hi!'" There were even some young children next door. We were never really bothered by them. Lots of concerns from many people, all for naught.
My second story is about one of my neighbors. Not next door, but sort-of down the block. I say sort-of because the street officially changes as you cross the intersection, but it's the same street. Now this isn't just any neighbor, it happens to be my boss's boss! (I'll use B² as a shortcut.)
For a number of years I have been walking en femme around my block, although not passing my B² home. A trip around my block is about 3 miles, with a half mile stretch of what was once a farm and is now a golf course. There is no sidewalk for this trip, and the roads range from suburban to rural-type roads. Last year I took ill and was unable to walk for a few months. One day in the spring this year, as I was back to walking, my B² pulled up on this long stretch as I was walking down the road and told me it was good to see me walking again. So he had seen me many times, and he even stopped to talk to me while dressed. Nothing has changed at work because of it. (Oh, and on my walks, I have become friends with another woman and her adult children who sometimes come to visit, talking and chatting as either we pass in the street or I pass her home.)
The point is that we do let our fears get the best of us. Sometimes fear can be a useful emotion, keeping us out of danger. But it can also hold us back when it is the result of an overactive imagination. We need to learn to distinguish the two and not let the latter case hold us back.
What a lovely story and what a lovely neighbour that you have ❤️
Thank you Wendy.
I already had a gut feeling that she'd be okay with everything, but her actual reaction went far beyond what I'd expected. So amazing ❤️
Ellie x
Great story and article, well written. Although I'm not at the point of doing what you did I compliment you on taking your life back. Everyone has circumstances that allow or prevent them from telling the world who they are, some are living in an area that they love, but probably not as open as others. At this point I'm 60% Rowena and 40% whatever that guy's name is. But I rejoice in your accomplishment and hope you are one of the very happy people in the world. x Rowena
Thank you, Rowena - I'm not sure I've taken my life back, but it DOES feel as though I've at least reclaimed a small amount of territory!
And yes, I am happy with the way things are going at the moment. I'm fully aware that the process of coming out and having the courage to be 'me' probably won't be all plain sailing, but so far so good 🙂
Ellie x
As I read through all these great replies it occurred to me that I don’t know any trans-phobic people and I know a lot of conservative types. They’re all of the attitude of maybe not liking it for themselves…(although we don’t really know that now do we?)…but they’re ok with whatever consenting adults want to do that’s not illegal. I think that’s what most people in the civilized world believe too.
So Elle, everytime I glance over at your topic title: “What will the neighbours say?” I laugh and think, “How come I can’t have a trans person move in next to me???” It would be so cool! And I know for sure that my friends would be fascinated and always asking me the question, so, what’s up with that neighbor of yours?”
I think that girls like us may have really turned the page in society and we’re almost kind of “trendy” in many ways. I’m sure many of you saw that Sarah McBride was the first “transgender person” elected to Congress the other day. Not appointed. Elected. That’s notable. Now if we ever get to the point where the news would be Sarah McBride was elected to Congress without mentioning “gender status” we’ll have really made some progress in the world🥰
GP
@gracepal Wow, so many solid points in your post, Grace. My first thought was, when I read "How come I can’t have a trans person move in next to me???”, maybe they have moved in next door/close to you but they are not ready, like me, to totally come out. You know how us girls are mostly quietly in the shadows. - Another point you mentioned that I thought was interesting was about 'conservatives'. My wife and I (she passed recently) have always embraced folks from all walks of life. It didn't matter to us what they did for a living, who they slept with, or what color their skin was...and we have always been very 'conservative'. I totally agree with your words that stated, "they’re ok with whatever consenting adults want to do that’s not illegal". Hey, look at me...I'm a mature man who loves being fem! Live and let live! - And your third brilliant point was mentioning the constant labeling of people. This labeling must stop! Show me who you are and what you do to help other people...not your race, sex, gender, etc. People should be considered on what they do, hopefully the right things in life, and on those actions alone. With that said, I'm venturing down to Greenville, SC tomorrow, to a shopping mall, totally fem. We'll how the world reacts to this babe! Hugs and love, Rowena
Well thanks Rowena, for making me feel like a really smart girl! I think Greenville will be okay with a hottie such as yourself visiting! Head on a swivel though girl.🥰
As I read through all these great replies it occurred to me that I don’t know any trans-phobic people
Sadly, I have encountered several transphobic people here in the UK.
Here's just one instance.
The school at which I worked until I took early retirement this summer had several students who were transitioning. Because it was a single-sex school, that regularly led to staffroom discussions of transgender issues. Certain staff definitely weren't shy about making their opinions known, especially regarding transwomen.
While it's true that there are more accepting people out there than we think, it's also been my experience that once you scratch the surface there are a surprising number of transphobes too ... and that no amount of rational discussion will shift their views if they're that way inclined.
Things are definitely improving, but I think that the entrenched and irrational views held by some will take a fair while to disappear from society.
It's not entirely a generational thing by any means, but on the whole the younger generation seems to be significantly more accepting of gender issues.
Ellie x
What you think is rational I might think is irrational. And vice-versa. That will never disappear from society. Nor should it IMHO. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.
GP
True 🙂
Everyone should be entitled to their own opinion, but it's highly desirable for those opinions to have at least some kind of factual basis - otherwise society is poorer for it.
In most of the staffroom discussions that I mentioned, the anti-trans argument simply boiled down to 'Well ,,, I just don't like those kinds of people'. Opinions based on feelings rather than facts; very little objective thought at play.
People are, of course, free to think what they choose.
However, while I respect people's right to BE transphobic I'm never going to respect people that ARE transphobic - and I will always, politely, argue my case with them 🙂
Ellie x
(By the way Grace, having read that back ... this is just intended as a general response to the points you made and none of it is directed at you!)
First, I don’t take it personally Ellie😊. After all girl, we’ve never even met🥰
Secondly, we’re not gonna agree on everything. But I’m still going to like you. Since I’ve never met you in person, and know nothing about you other than your views here on CDH, I don’t know why I like you, I just do. I get good feelings about you. I feel you’re a good person.
Everybody IS entitled to their own opinion. Based on whatever they want it to be based on. We’ve all met someone and gotten the feeling: “I don’t like this person.” No rational reason for it, just a feeling. Many times correct. “Go with your gut…” is usually a good policy.
You can politely argue with people you think are transphobic people all you want to. Hey, maybe you’ll even change someone’s mind. You don’t have to respect them either. But I do respect that they have their own opinions about it and that’s fine. People are free to think what they think for whatever reason that suits them. Everyone doesn’t have to agree.
GP
Hi Ellie and Grace
First, I loved your initial posting Ellie - my heart was particularly warmed by your neighbour's clear, unconditional, non-condescending and warm response! I think she hit a crucial nail on the head - no one should have to justify themselves on the basis of their gender (or, I'd add, their race, colour, sexuality, etc.).
Second, I found it heartening to read the dialogue between both of you, Ellie and Grace and the underlying mutual respect and affection that came through while debating the issue(s) from differing angles. A refreshing change from all the polarised arguments that have pervaded the media and social media in recent years.
Third - adding to what Ellie said about the school staff meeting, I think that while it's maybe fine for people to have transphobic feelings, people are wrong to automatically conflate such feelings with any wielding of power over other people's lives or in discussions on decisions on other people's lives. And I feel that the challenge is for any discussion / debate to be able to take place in good faith with space for everyone to reflect on what they've heard.
@sandraclapham “Ellie and Grace”…I like it. I’m envisioning a sort of crossdressing odd couple TV show starring us both🥰. No doubt it would be a ratings smash, especially with us two cuties playing ourselves in the show.
I initially misread that as 'old couple' and was ready to sever all ties with you.
@ellyd22 It's something I encounter regularly and for that reason I daren't tell colleagues about Anna.
And it's the reason I never came out to anyone in my workplace as well 🙁
On paper it had a fully gender-inclusive ethos.
In practice, not so much!
wow amazing 🥲 what a lovely touching article so happy for ya and so emotional what courage you have be the last thing I do a course I never been out I read so many lovely forms here about going out or coming out to family or friends make me think deeper into what I want in my CD life thanks for sharing with use TC
As mentioned in one of my other posts Not traumatic, I have come out to two of my neighbours, although not en femme (yet). I have always been able to wander willy-nilly around my garden as during the summer, it is completely secluded by bushes and trees, but my garden is some 70 metres from my house and to get to it, I have to walk up a shared path.
My immediate next-door-neighbour is leaving imminently and a youngish couple are moving in. At the moment I could always go to my shed (which is near the house) en femme because the neighbours that could see me were early-to-bed people. Once the new people arrive, that is unlikely to be the case so it's a good job that I've at least involved some existing neighbours, the new ones will just have to suck it up.
Tomorrow, I'm going out dressed and I'm thinking that when I come back, I shall take that long walk up the shared pathway. Knowing my luck, no one will see me then either and my courage will have been wasted, we shall see.
On the subject of old TV programs, one not mentioned is (was) Rag, Tag and Bobtail, which ran with Watch With Mother. I've just watched a bit on Youtube, took me back a bit.
Becca
Tomorrow, I'm going out dressed and I'm thinking that when I come back, I shall take that long walk up the shared pathway. Knowing my luck, no one will see me then either and my courage will have been wasted, we shall see.
Well, I did that and I was right, there was no one to see me. I thought, 'sod it', I'll take the dog out while dressed since it was getting to twilight, and guess what? A mile walk around the village and I saw no one! As I said, all that courage wasted.
Next time perhaps, I think I've got this now.
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Those last two posts are interesting to me Becca. Let me get this right now: You went out dressed, publicly, where people could (and probably did) see you. Then you purposely walked the shared pathway hoping to be seen by a neighbor. It took you getting your courage up…(yes, it would!) and then when nobody saw you…it was courage wasted. Why? Is it important to be seen by your neighbors as Becca? Is it a goal of yours? Just wondering here.
As I imagine me being in your shoes (or heels🥰) I would have been thinking…well that was exhilarating. Thankfully nobody saw me, what was I thinking? Whew!
It’s fascinating to read these type of posts because it would seem that crossdressing for some is as mentally challenging as it is physically challenging. I’m guessing it’s another level of acceptance that is very important for you. Yes?
GP
As I mentioned in another thread (sorry if I'm temporarily hijacking this thread Ellie) I have been letting it get around that I'm a cross-dresser and telling my neighbour and a mutual friend, has been crucial because of the imminent arrival of new neighbours in the connecting house. I'm not going to hide from them from the outset but don't want others finding out from them—I don't know why, it just seems like the correct order to do things in.
I'm not going to parade around the village en femme anyway on a regular basis, I just want to option to not have to change clothes or sneak around when in Becca-guise.
So, in answer to your question, yes, I would be happier if people saw me dressed when I give them the opportunity. It is a goal to be able to wander around my own property (where I can be seen by the neighbours) as Becca and not worry about it. It is these first few outings in my immediate locale that require the courage. Going out to other places no longer worries me, I just do that when I want (I'm doing it tomorrow when I go to Exeter), but in my own back garden, it does; for now, but not for long, hopefully.
Becca
Hi Ellie,
Thank-you for sharing your good news event. Happy to hear all went very well. You’re right that our fears can get the best of us.
Alice
Today I made the most of a spot of intermittent sunshine to cut the back lawn, rake up some leaves and do a spot of pruning.
It felt lovely to be out there in a midi-dress and fleece. I was happy as anything.
I might invest in some floral wellies though.
Ellie x
If you live in the UK, knowing how to do these kind of dances is essential 🙂
What an absolutely wonderful story, Ellie. Inspirational and heartwarming. I’m so glad you have such an understanding neighbor.
Elle, awesome story, thank you for sharing that. I would not have the courage to do what you did. Good for you. I am becoming more and more at ease with my feminine side, but it is a work in progress
Hugs
Most of us are a work in progress!
I took another small but important step today, but that merits a forum post all of its own 🙂
Hugs
Ellie x
A wonderful story and can even better neighbor and great advice from her!
Hmmm- I keep reading about where people "come out" to neighbors/friends ect by long explanations why they dress-(except mabe to your wife- (on paper or long discussions)
I fail to understand why this step is necessary--Why not let things happen more Organically?? For instance Why not as your more confident just get your mail do your gardening ect dressed fem or somewhat fem & just let your neighbors /friends ect ask questions--answering questions as they ask (without over explaining) being as honest as possible-- I've moved a # of times & used this method & it's worked very well-
It's each to their own I guess, Jane!
The approach that you're suggesting is a great one, and I know many girls on the site that it's worked for perfectly. I just felt more comfortable doing it this way round 🙂
Ellie x
@janedon That's what I am doing, Jane. Even today, I went out to my shed en femme and I know my soon-to-be-leaving next-door-neighbour saw me. I have mentioned it in passing to a couple of other neighbours when they commented on the vanity plate registration number on my car (ending in CDR) but they have yet to see me dressed.
I'm taking less and less care about being out and about in my garden now and every time I go to the local pub, people see me wearing five rings, a bracelet, necklace, bright-red painted nails and pierced ears with small hoops in. I wear bright T-shirts too, a far cry from my previous, drab, clothes. If they haven't guessed I'm a cross-dresser by now, even if they haven't seen me dressed, they must be being polite, stupid, or very obtuse indeed. Of course they could just think I'm turning gay, which would be a tad annoying, but I'm working on it not appearing to be that.
There's a woman who does the bar on Wednesdays and she is quite outgoing. I'm just waiting for her to make even the slightest comment on my attire and/or jewellery and I'll mention that I am an occasional cross-dresser. Once she knows that, then the whole vilage will know because she is a terrible gossip. She can't be negative, her daughter is a lesbian and lives with another woman, so we all have our foibles.
I have taken the dog out around the village at dusk while dressed and I expect I'll be going out when it's a little lighter too, soon.
It's only going slowly in the village; aside from here, I'm out in public all the time while fully dressed.
Becca
Edit: And as I read through this thread, I realise that I've said some of this already.
Well, there's a bit more information in this over the last one, so I'll leave it up and try not to get over-enthusiastic in future.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful and moving story Ellie.
Thank you.
It was just a small, everyday thing in many respects but it's had a disproportionately large effect on how I feel. I guess that was my motivation for writing the article in the first place 🙂
Ellie,
What a beautiful story. Coming out to an accepting neighbor can really boost your confidence as a woman. As she said, just be yourself and let other people think what they want. You go girl!
