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So…
My father passed peacefully at home. I knew it was getting close as he was sleeping more and not wanting to eat solids. His mind was there, but I knew he was processing the coming end. When he gave up wanting to drink his nourishment and told me he didn’t want his daily beer (his shot of whiskey was over 2 weeks prior) I called in hospice. This was on a Monday, and we all discussed options. Thursday, he had a bad day, and I made the dreaded call for medication on Friday. He passed before midnight in his bed. I lost both parents within 18 months. Talk about ghosts in the house! Everywhere there are reminders, even as I’ve begun the process of making the home mine.
I’ve called the lower-level mine for 12 years while my parents lived upstairs. Do I move up, stay down, or do both? Will Brina finally have her own room? You can imagine all the thoughts that run through my head as 90% of the reasons I previously had to hide her away are gone. I still might have the occasional person stop by, but I don’t need to answer the door unless I don’t know them and then it might be fun… The biggest concern is when my daughters and their families come to visit or when my best friend does, and he stays over. I have time to process it all. There is a celebration of life at the end of July, a fishing trip with my friend (we’ll spread some of my father’s ashes) in August, and then… I can only hope, dream, and survive.
Yes, survive. One day at a time. It will take a while for the ghosts to fade some and to figure out the rest of my life. It feels weird not to worry about being interrupted and to dress anytime I feel like it (instead of in the wee hours of the early morning). At some point, I must decide how long to keep this large house that a family and not a single person should enjoy. It’s on a river in a country neighborhood. The upkeep is much in the way of yard needs, not to mention cleaning (which can now be done in a dress and heels if I desire.) I mentioned before that I sold out my practice, and I’m not ready to fully retire. I’m looking into an area where I can do it anywhere and from home. Something that my diminished hearing can still tackle. If I move, do I stay local or finally dip painted toes into another local? Staying put means (for me) the necessity to still be partially in the closet. Moving… the possibilities… and the conversations with my daughters about what I might become. Even in staying, that talk will happen eventually.
It’s been a month since Dad passed. I’m preparing for the world’s second-largest garage sale and making this place more me (Brina’s too!) She will get more space downstairs. It will be baby steps in my heels as I venture farther away from the safety of the closet and ponder all possibilities. I just returned from 9 days with my oldest daughter, her family, and my friend at Disney and Universal in Florida. A much-needed vacation after the last two years (I could feel the past anxieties falling away.) Today, most of the maleness I let take control the last few months dissolved down the sink as Brina said, “Enough is enough!” I had to agree. Still, I have hair on the legs until late fall and only trimmed it up on the arms. The rest of me is back in Happyville! Lots of estate stuff to do, much to decide, and some new clothes to buy… although I won’t get crazy as I plan to get into shape—no excuses, and don’t want to buy things to fit now and will need to be stored or gotten rid of later. It also means expanding my wardrobe to be more reflective of womanhood, and not just the glamorous side. Talking to you feet and the need to get some flats and low heels, pants and shorts, too. I celebrated by gassing up the car this morning, okay, early morning at 5:30 am. In my evening dress and 5-inch heels! A girl has to flaunt it occasionally!
I can now plan Brina getaways and do that studio makeover I always wanted to. Heck, you might even see me at an event soon. I plan to visit with a therapist and really discuss things. How far Brina steps out into the light remains to be seen, but in the light she will be. So many burdens and their collective excuses have been mitigated. I feel free, but also cautious. I could jump into the deep end of the pink fog and float along, but that isn’t likely, not yet, maybe this fall. I can see it happening. What will happen is the gradual loosening of the fears and learning to breathe as I take in the wonders of this amazing gift that I once sought so hard to bury.
I wish you all a little freedom and peace! Breathe, laugh, and treasure each time you have a chance to just be you…
Until next time…
Thank you Brina for sharing your heart with us! I know what it is like to lose both parents, and I know that it takes time to grieve their passing. I wish you well as you journey through this time of life.
I also wish all the best for you as you continue on the adventurous journey of living as Brina more and more. I can tell you that it is so amazingly rewarding!
All the best girlfriend, and big hugs,
Lauren
I lost my parents years ago. I wasn't present for either. My mom was expected, dad's was quite unexpected. Neither is easy. You have been blessed to have them for this much of your life. Not that I'm close enough to do much, please let me or anyone of your sisters here at CDH help with any need you have!
But now you are going on. While it might seem odd, I envy you being alone. Not that I've ever liked living alone, but I would love to have more free time. Honestly, I should just live my life without living up to anyone else's standards.
But I do.
I believe we do that regardless of being a CD. Sometimes we impose a standard on ourselves and other times it is dictated by society or necessity. Freedom often comes at a great price or sacrifice. Thanks for the support and comments. 🙂
Sabrina,
Condolences on the loss of your father. You must have been very close. Fourteen years after the loss of my father, I have mostly fond memories. You have a big empty house to decide what to do about, as I do. I just sold my airplane so Ill be able to clean out the garage and start thinking about what to do next. And I think my alter ego Kerri deserves a few upgrades. I think all of us deserve to pamper ourselves a little before it is too late. Good luck girlfriend.
Kind of my thinking, too. Enjoy life for a while and then decide on a future path. No need to rush into anything. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
My deepest sympathies to you Brina. My mom passed recently too, after several years of dementia.Losing a parent will send one on a journey of self introspection unique to each of us..The fact that you can write with such candor and your positive outlook will go far in getting you through the grieving process you are now experiencing. All the best to you.
So sorry for your loss Sabrina, I lost my Dad some years back. It was vey difficult because we were best of friends. My Mom is not do very well either. We all handle grief in our own way. I hope you can move ahead while still cherishing the relationship you had with your Parents. My most sincere wishes to you. Please take care of yourself first.
Hugs
AnnaBeth
I feel your sadness Brina and my sincere condolences. You have so much on your mind with things that are needed to do. Once the dust settles and life stabilizes is the time to take stock and consider what you want to do. It is your time now and if it is Brina who will face the world then your happiness and fulfillment are paramount and From what you have said you have a loving family and good friends who would surely want to see you happy and achieve your lifelong goal. Of course there may be difficulties but aren't insurmountable as anyone that knows you will see the person hasn't changed only the appearance. Personally this is what I have found with friends and family even neighbors who saw my change and those that didn't accept me as I am.
It's now your time so live it for you.
Brina -
Sorry for your loss. Take what time you need, I remember going thru my parents house with my sisters and it is a mix of emotions. Do what you are comfortable with, there is no right or wrong only what is going to make you happy. This is part of your journey,
XOXO
Suzanne
Such an inspiring story. Thank you Brina for sharing and I hope you receive peace and tranquility as you move on to a new chapter. I’ll keep an eye out for that book of yours. All the best.
~ Tammy
Sabrina, my sympathy on the loss of your father. Take your time to grieve before you make big plans on where you are going with your 'Brina time'. I think your father is in a better place, it is so hard to see our love one decline so much in their last days. I know when I lost my mother in March 2 years ago, her last days were hard, she spent the last 7 or 8 years in decline due to Alzheimer's. Helped me so much to go to her grave site to sing for her on Mother's day (also close to her birthday) the last 2 years. I went in my green dress, I so much wish I could have shared Cassie with her.
I hope for you that you can go out as Brina as much as you want. For me I am fully out or mostly out everywhere,even in Ames Iowa. Even at my Catholic church where I go in 'male mode'. I am not much of a secret there with my long hair tied back, dangly ear rings, and painted nails.
I hope when you are ready to come out as Brina a little more that you find acceptance or no resistance as I have.
. Cassie
Thanks for the thoughts and sharing your story! We shall just have to wait and see what kind of trouble Brina can get into 😉
Dear Sabrina
I know from my own experience losing my parents, it will take lots of time to process. And it sounds like you are feeling the opportunity is finally here to have the freedom to express what you feel and who you are. Bittersweet, yes. And full of possibility.
Enjoy the next stage of your journey.
Hugs
Evie
I just lost my dad in March. You have my sympathy. We lost my mother in-law a couple of years ago. She lived with us for 20 years. She needed supervision, and care most of that time. The ghosts are just starting to fade.
I wish you the brightest future! I hope you can live life as your true self!
Lara
You have mine as well. My sister (8 years older) is in poor health and doesn't travel well. She lives 1,200 miles away and couldn't make it back for either passing. I'm not sure she realizes the added pain when you live in the house versus grieving in your own place. It is tough. And... still having the ghosts are also comforting... Thanks for the comments.
The smile says it all pretty lady… thank you for sharing the loss of your father.. we here at CDH prayers and support… I always love to read your informative articles…
Sabrina, my thoughts are with you. All the best.
Loved your story Brina. I’m sorry for your loss, but recognize that your father gave you one last loving gift - your freedom to explore your femme side even more. Take care dear.
Feliz
It is nice not having to worry about it, other than unexpected visitors, which doesn't happen often. 🙂
