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I’m one of those who likes word play or is it a play on words? The wonderful double meaning, secret message, or even the humorous slam that passes by most who read it. I know I double up as the Managing editor for the site but trust me when I say writing is my passion not correcting grammar and punctuation. Those of you who have had me as their editor know I do my best to keep your words, yours. In general, most readers aren’t aware of the incorrect usage or spelling mistakes; they are in it for the flow and feeling that comes from your heart. I hope those of you who haven’t written an article will consider doing so… we need you! We need to hear from you because our similarities need to be expanded on and shared… for the benefit of those who are searching for their own answers.
Okay... What’s next? Such an open statement! Throw in a crossdresser who is uncertain about their truth, add in a life-changing decision, and that sets the stage for a _____ 2023! (You can place nearly any descriptive term you want in the space, and it wouldn’t be far off.) I’m an introvert, not one that is afraid of being social. I just prefer my quietness. If I didn’t golf and bowl, I wouldn’t go out much. I love to write and hate marketing and book signings. NOT entirely true… I hate going to book signings. The time there is fine. I am adept at public speaking, can hold an audiences’ attention, and appear to be somewhat of a social butterfly… only wish they could see me in my party dress and heels…
I ponder Brina all the time: would she be outgoing? Would she be the eye catcher in the room… yep! For all the wrong reasons. At 6 feet 5 inches in her heels, she couldn’t help but tower over the room and draw attention (unless attending a women's volleyball or basketball party.) If the makeup isn’t perfect, her voice buttery sweet, and every bit of manliness scrubbed away, she would stand out and be called out, so she stays home… for now.
But… is her time running out? There are many older gals who gave up their crossdressing (dreams) when they got too old (again, what is too old?) So many of us are more than just a CD, living a form of our true selves when we can through our needed and desired dressing, knowing that if life and circumstances had been different, we might have chosen another path. I’m one of those. My life for the last five years has been taking care of my parents, sharing a home with them so they could remain there. Mom passed in November 2021 and I’m facing the steady decline of my father. He will have part of his foot amputated shortly because of his diabetes. At 95 his life has been full, but this past year it has taken a dramatic toll on him… on me.
I sold my advisory practice (yes; I had a life other than being a novelist—something had to pay the bills to support my hobby… lol) I will look for something else to supplement my life until I decide to pack it all in. My love, besides writing, has been in service to others. I hope to find a niche in that area going forward. The reward is in helping others not the money but finding a way to do both will be good for me and my soul.
All of this matters, because I’m not alone in making my plans. Even though I’m not two people, I need to be cognizant of how each part is affected by a singular decision. My best guess is my father won’t last two more years, my sister’s health is marginal, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she passes in the next five years as well. That leaves me orphaned. My daughters once knew that I crossdressed, as it was the catalyst that ended my marriage (that was almost 20 years ago) and we haven’t discussed it since. They are astute and I’m willing to wager they suspect. We have a great relationship so I don’t push it, but should I find myself alone, without responsibilities, will I need to broach that subject with them? If other things fall into place, I could see myself in some form of transition… to a more visible neutrality, maybe more… The world would open to me in ways it never has; the only thing to stop me… is me.
You could say that I’m at a crossroads… living for the present and contemplating the (not so distant) future. Visions that were once only that have become possibilities. I can tell in the way that I look at items to purchase (a girl loves to shop, and you read my article about eBay.) I look for me, no longer for what was my dream image. I’m never going to be her, but I can be a respectable me. I know what hair color works the best (dirty blonde or blonde shades, occasionally with some red), the style of dresses that show me the best, and I’ve even bought several lower (sensible) heels… you know… just in case I venture out.
I believe my reflection is healthy; mentally and physically. I might be a few pounds heavier than this past summer, but I worry less about losing it, it will come off again and then some. My knees are doing better, my hearing is getting worse, “What?” One of the other reasons I sold out and is also an impediment to finding other avenues… (Can you tell I’m having fun with my wordplay…) Is there anything sadder than a deaf introvert? Don’t answer that… Can’t even keep myself company (lol). Hard to read lips when you are the one doing the talking. Okay… I’m done…
What’s next is the certainty that something will most likely will change. How far and by how much remains to be seen. If you are like me, then you might have felt burdened in many ways. Responsibilities, necessity, fear, and all the other feelings we have as adults, not to mention as crossdressers, make for a strenuous life. I have found solace in allowing myself to be me. I’m kinder to those around me and much more forgiving than in the past. It started when I first forgave myself. Being a crossdresser does not make one a bad person. The opposite in fact. When I fought it, I was in a perpetual bad mood, hating myself and the world. Cut yourself some slack! There is so much to be thankful for with this gift (read my last article.)
We have one life, and those we love are important, too. As we want them to be happy, they wish the same for us. None of us would accept another’s selfishness, so we need to be careful when we are given freedom to express our true selves. This journey is yours alone, and yet it can touch for better and worse so many others, and it is also similar in progression to those who have gone before you. What we do to make today better for all of us will impact the future of those who come behind us.
I wish you good tidings for 2023! I sincerely hope to read one of your own submissions to the Author section. We have editors waiting to help you express yourself. We do like them to be at least 500 words long. 🙂
Until next time! May the sun warm your spirits, love embrace you, and your words flow freely…
Brina
Brina, thank you once again for such a beautiful article. Your words are so true with many of us reaching this point in our lives, although I didn't care for my parents in their later years, I so admire that you're taking care of yours, what a beautiful gift to give them. Being an introvert myself I also wonder where will I go as more of my daily life doings slip away and all I have to do is care for my own well being, will I transition more, will I CD full time, will I give it all up and quietly live a drab life into the sunset? I don't really have an answer for that and hopefully will find it as the years roll on. I just know that having people like you and the others here at CDH are making this life that I have now, much smoother sailing and for that I'm forever grateful. Good luck on your journey and if you ever need it you've always have my shoulder if you need it.
Love
Sherri
That's very kind of you! Thank you also for the compliments, the comments, and for sharing your own thoughts. 🙂
I think u look as good as any sexy woman and love how sexy u look
It seems that you haven't reached the crossroads but a complicated intersection of life. Us older girls have been through the mill of life and at the back end of working life retirement beckons and the possibilities are endless. For us crossdressers it could mean that coming out more and saying 'I have lived for the benefit of others, now it's my turn, and dang anyone who objects. It's fair to say this as times are better for us girls than those of the 'dark ages', age also gives us that freedom of expression that may be considered against the grain of the norm but bless us, we are old, and that's reason enough to express ourselves and any' eccentricities' we have.Do we feel old, maybe maybe not but we are able to don the dress and be ourselves, if you are able to that then you are okay.
Then reality strikes in instances such as yours, we are all older, so are our parents and siblings and as a family we have to look out for each other and to come out may not be appropriate under the circumstances and there is the time needed to look after them which curtails dressing opportunities. It is at that point the return of others before yourself comes back. All I can say is that there should be no guilt in finding the you time to pursue your dream and put yourself first at times, anyone worth their salt knows this and would be understanding as your wellbeing is as important to theirs, you cannot keep doing it all for them without looking after yourself.
There was a tremendous amount of sentiment in there! I appreciate it all! I've managed over the last decade to find out more about me. I'm thankful for that. Even in my present situation, my ability to dress is only curtailed by the times I need to be there for my father. What isn't in place is what's next afterward... Much to contemplate... Thanks for the great comments! 🙂
Ty Sabrina for an inspirational and moving insight to things as we age
Brina, thanks again for your editing a bunch of “firsts” for me: the CDH article on my attending the tg/cd party..I will try to write an article in 2023.
My condolences on the passing of your mom and commend you on taking care of your dad.
my father in law, although, doesn’t live with us, is 100 yo and is a concern for Kathy’s 2 brothers and 3 sisters..
I am glad for you finding solace in being you.
Thank you for so much sharing in your very informative well written article..
Be well and wishing you a Happy & Healthy
2023…
Warmest regards, Leonara
Thanks for the kind words! 🙂 I never thought of myself as an old spinstress, but that's kind of what I am... lol. You have a good year, too.
Sabrina,
Allowing yourself to be the real you is a wonderful place to be in one's journey. Once you accept that, the cross dressing experience becomes so much more comfortable. I did that last year and now live 90% of the time as Fiona and love it.
I can understand what you said about caregiving because I was a caregiver for my wife for many, many years before she passed away in Nov. 2022. Caregiving is extremely tough on someone, both physically and mentally.
I always enjoy your writing. You write so well.
Fiona
Thank you for the kind compliment and support! I could see myself doing something similar under the right circumstances. Something to look forward too 🙂
Briana -
Thank you for your article. You give much to think about.
I commend you for taking care of your Dad, and your Mom, as I've been there and know how difficult it can be. There becomes a time in our lives where we become the caregiver and pay back for the care we were given when young.
There does become a time in our lives where we question "what's next". Life as we knew it changes and we face new challenges. We enter a time in our lives where we can pursue things we never thought possible or put aside in pursuit of a career and family.
Your article gives pause to think about "what's next" and how to achieve it. I wish you, and all the other ladies here, the best in going forward figuring out "what's next" and achieving it.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thank you for your kindness. There would have been a time where, "What's next?" would have been filled with apprehension. I no longer feel that way and look forward to a more peaceful future. 🙂
Brina, sorry to hear of your father's health, it must be a HUGE strain on you to be his caregiver. Sorry to here your fear of going out as Brina, I would be suprized if you found a lot of people who cared what you do for you as long as you are happy that way. I feared reprocussions in my area near Ames. So far most people either don't care or are supporting. AND i am out to many co-workers, family, and people at my church.
Best of luck to you!! Cassie
Thanks for the support and comments. I don't worry much about others... being that introvert is what stops me from going out, not the fear of being out.
Yeah, Brina. I guess I would call myself an introvert who wants to be an extrovert. Often when I do go out I do stay off to the side and don't interact with people. I have gone a long way in the last 3 years, this evening my granddaughter wants me to take her to Target, shopping. I have been out in fem all day and have no intention of changing to drab, so in a little bit I will take her there still dressed in my floral leggings, nice fem top, little makeup on and my newly painted pink nails. This is getting easier to do. Shoot I worked at this Tafrget store for 40 years and still know a few of the people there. Just 'force myself to be out there as much as I can.
. Cassie
Brina, I have closeted on an infrequent basis for 50 years. Three months ago I came out to my wife of 53 years. See is tolerant but no cheerleader. It was if I had opened a door to heaven. At the tender age of 75 I have feelings that dreams are made of. I’ll never approach your feminine good looks (I’m just an old man in a dress) but I would not trade my inner self for a cover girls looks without it. Looking forward to many years of feminine bliss. You should also. All my best, Loraine, aka C3 (car crazy cutie).
My inner beauty will always shine. I feel her pull more and more (likely do to aging and the way hormones work anyway). The question will always be, if given the opportunity, will it be more for me? That is something to look forward to. Thanks for commenting and good luck with your wife. I hope she brings out the best of you! 🙂
Nicely written ‘state of the union’ address!
Every day brings us to a crossroads - so it seems.
Thank you Brina. I'm in the 4th quarter of my life. Hopefully I will get a couple more touchdowns, maybe even go into overtime. I won't be going to the Super Bowl but I think I did a good job.
Hi Brina,
As someone whom has been my "CDH editor" for quite a while, plus being in "your mature age group", may I "join in the chorus" and thank you for such a great article. Plus of course answering all my various article queries etc. In terms of more articles from me, we will have to wait until the Australian summer has left us and make it cool enough for Caty to go (bra) shopping en femme or out to dinner.
EG Ten years this year since my good friend and talented make up artist Michelle did my "Marie Antoinette" makeover. So that will be a suitable reason to celebrate "our anniversary"
I would have written one about buying a gorgeous silk pyjama set from my favorite lingerie store, (as per the bra shopping article from last year), but is nightwear "even as per the above"??!!) still on the CDH no go list. I have a similar "cover all full length" dressing gown too!!!
Low cut necklines on short baby dolls, I can understand, but I'll always struggle with this no sleepwear edict, especially when bathing suits seem to get the OK.
Sorry.. I went off topic there.. But it has always been a bugbear of mine on this wonderful site.
Happy dressing
Caty.
I kind of look at it from my own perception; the article section is about the feeling and the moments that make us. The media section is about the presentation, and forums the exploration of questions and search for answers. At times, some try to combine all of them into the article or even under a picture. I can't answer for the other sections other than we all follow certain guidelines to ensure site stability as the haven it is.
I appreciate the compliments! I'll keep an eye out for the next article 🙂
Hello Brina,
I enjoyed reading this article as I've enjoyed other articles from you as well.
I have contemplated sharing my story so many times but, I am not a writer. Sometimes my thoughts and how I communicate them is challenging. Articulation is not my strong suit, although as Vanessa I do feel I am somehow better at expressing my feelings.
I assume my story is similar to a lot of other stories that I've read on this site. So I don't know how much I'd be contributing. I do think that I'd like to share something...perhaps someday.
Hugs,
Vanessa
No fears or worries, Vanessa. We have editors to help you along the way. If you can get your thoughts down, they will help with the formatting, grammar, and punctuation. Our role is to help you share your story. Every article that you read had gone through editing... even mine... 🙂
Sabrina, you and I share a lot of similar traits, feelings and expressions. I can definitely see a time in your future when you will be able to express yourself in the most genuine way you feel the need to express. When you talk about your height, I’m reminded of another beautiful person, actress Hannah Waddingham. She is 5 foot 10 and stunning and reminds me very much of you. I know that if you wanted to you could do it. From my own experience when I came out in the Jewish times, did an article about me photographer finds true self I did not lose one single friend or client. In fact, my life has blossomed since those early days, I’m a cohost on the Gayly Dose and I have my own show. The Diane Crow show that I love. I’ve been on HRT for the last nine months and sporting lovely pick up breast that I am so proud and happy with I wish for you a year of great discoveries and explorations a year when you can come to grips with who you are and what you want to be in your life. Know that you are loved and your role in this world has already been phenomenal. After reading your article, I know that I need to get back to writing so myself . I’m in the middle of a move right now so things are pretty crazy but I am really settling into who I am and loving every minute of it. Hugs hugs and more beautiful hugs for you, Diane
Great insights and words of encouragement 🙂 My "true" time will come, and how it all plays out is yet to be seen. Lots of changes going on this year. I see it as a building block to a "settled" future. Thanks for sharing!
