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In my previous three articles Happy Surprises!, Halloween, The Night I Lost My Monster and What Drives Our Need To Be Out In Public? I addressed some happy and exciting events in my life. Until now.
As I’ve written before, I came out to my wife on Halloween Night 2019. She took a bit of time adjusting to the fact that I was a cross dresser then jumped on board wholeheartedly! She took me to Ulta and dropped a bundle of money on cosmetics that she said I would need. Her fashion advice helped me build a wardrobe and a shoe collection beyond my wildest dreams. She encouraged me to grow my hair and get my ears pierced. We went out shopping as girlfriends a few times and out to dinner on a day trip to a quaint little town in Central Florida called Mount Dora. She told me I was free to dress anytime while at home. My nails were kept polished, and I wore lipstick most every day. I confided in a dear female friend of ours (who is my scuba diving buddy) and she was totally cool with it. All in all, a CD’s dream!
I joined a CD/TG support group and she attended with me. Then COVID-19 hit, disrupting everybody’s plans. But it had no effect on my ability to be Kathryn at home daily. Like most women I know that were at home during the pandemic, my only nod to dressing was femme panties under my skinny jeans. And my hair got below my shoulders. The three of us - my wife, our friend, and I would sometimes get together for lunch and talk. Life continued to be good!
Then, on April 12th, the carriage turned back into a pumpkin. My wife and our friend were going to go out to lunch. My wife told me that “only REAL girls” are invited! I was shocked and thought she was making a joke. She proceeded to go off on me, saying she wanted her masculine husband back. She stared criticizing my jeans, my slippers, hair, earrings - you name it! I was crushed! I went into a deep depression and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that had followed me all of my life resurfaced! I sank into a dark place. Thoughts of purging, shutting down Kathryn altogether, and just general disgust. That evening, when she came back from her afternoon out, she apologized and said she never intended to hurt me. “Can’t we forget what happened today and go back to before?” she asked. How do you recover from that?
Since that time, I haven’t dressed at all, used no makeup and generally stayed in drab. Now, the very thought of dressing en femme is something I don’t think I can do without feeling like I have to look over my shoulder. I actually get a wave of something like nausea when I look at my cosmetic rack in our bathroom. It is a lousy place to be.
Any input would be appreciated, so feel free to respond.
Sincerely, Kathryn
I suspect your wife needed "her" time, as well as "husband" time.
Perhaps some self reflection is needed. How much husband time have you been giving. How much private time with her ftiends has your wife been having. How much male time are you spending with your friends.
I suspect often outbursts contain subconscious kernels of truth.
It sounds like your wife really liked having a new girlfriend to share all her girlly activities with. But does she miss the male side of you and having a 'real man' around at times?? It sounds like you need to talk with a counselor so you both understand what is going on in your own minds and what the other is thinking and needing from your relationship.
. . It feels like you ran into a brick wall that appeared out of nowhere while you were running full speed. Good luck to the two of you and we are all here to lisren and comfort you as best we can.
. . Sandy
HI Kathryn Now you know where you stand with your wife. That is a a good thing. She does not considered you a real woman by her standards and by most GG.s standards. You were not born with the body of a female so society dictates you are not a real woman. That is our curse until we change our body to at least resemble a female body. Not even then will society accept you as a real woman It is what it is, so best to just accept who we are and move on. We can only try to explain how we feel to some one we love and they will at least try to understand but they never will. How could they? They were born with a brain and body that matched perfectly. Some thing happened with us. I would accept her apology and just let her know the hurt you were when she said ONLY THE REAL GIRLS ARE INVITED. It was at a time when you were finally getting to feel accepted as a real girl that also very much loves real girls. Luv Stephanie
Dear Kathryn,
I suspect that part of the present situation for you both happened as a result of insufficient communication and discussion after you came out to your wife. Your disclosure was as groundbreaking for you as it was for your wife, only in two very different ways and with different impacts and effects. There are no guidelines, set of rules or training that we arrive with at this point in our lives if we should ever need or encounter it!
Your wife likely dealt with the news in the best way that she could perceive it being fine for you both. That has proven not to be the case for her. The positives are that she apologised and you both have a new chance to move forward together, with a counsellor and or therapist.
Underlying this all is knowing exactly who and what it is you wish to be and how to live your life, and why I feel you have posed the question in your title. You are the one that has brought the shift within your relationship and are obliged by this to understand fully, down to the smallest detail of who and what you are, where and what you desire to be.
We can never know what the future will bring, while the past is gone and remains in the past and virtually impossible to alter, other than how we perceive it. We should not try to base our future on our past. We can however invite a bright future and happy life through our own thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that result in our reality. If you can have the same degree of belief and faith in that, as you do in yourself and the love for your wife, you are already on your way to that bright and happy future.
I send you both my love and hugs, with my best wishes for a happy and fruitful future together.
Sophie
Dear Kathryn,
You were hurt where you are most vulnerable: your relationship with your wife; and it will take time to recover. Perhaps, in your eagerness to be her girlfriend, you hovered around your wife's other relationships a bit too much? Or perhaps, at the moment her outburst occurred, she was missing having her husband around. You don't know, but you could ask. The Talk isn't only for coming out speeches, and you will be miserable until you learn just where you stand in your relationship.
FYI: My wife is fine with having Bettylou around almost full-time - but we are both at the age where I don't need to perform as a husband, but as a companion.
Hugs,
Bettylou
Hi Katheryn,
My S.O. gave me total acceptance and then changed. I felt what you are feeling. I didn't dress for a long time. I felt like purging. I felt hurt and felt that if I dressed, I couldn't trust that she would be o.k. with it, even though she said she was. I wouldn't recommend purging even though that is our first reaction. Take your time, try to ease your guilt and shame feelings. I like to journal when I am going through upsets. Keep the communication open with your wife and when you are ready, ease back into it. And don't do anything rash, like cut your hair!
Hugs,
Eva
Crosdressing can be a selfish thing if we let it. We must always (always) consider the feelings of others, those we love most of all. How are they feeling? My wife didnt marry a woman, she wants a man to hold and love her. Please try to understand her feelings, she must be a joy to you, and you dont want to lose her.
Oh, sweetie. I really feel for you on this one. It’s one thing to have the talk and be rejected but it’s probably worse to think everything is totally fine and have it all pulled out from underneath you.
I am in a similar level of early acceptance from my wife. So far, things seem to be constantly improving. But I have also heard stories similar to yours and tread lightly. It’s also not practical for me to dress girlie at work even though I am totally out. So, my wife sees her masculine husband (albeit with fabulous nails and eyebrows) regularly when I come home. Some days I am also simply too tired to get cleaned up, shave my legs, decide what to wear, and all that it entails. I just relax and drink beer.
Perhaps, that has been a good think for my wife. When I came out, her one condition was that she didn’t want to be in public with me while I was dressed. Without any prompts from me, she recently has expressed interest in it.
It’s different for all of us. I wish I had solid advice for you. Hopefully, things will work out and your wounds heal. Just don’t purge. At some point you will regret it.
I feel your pain, Kathryn. I go through the same with my wife (although she's never "jumped on board" to the level that your wife has). Her level of acceptance (or non-acceptance) changes like the wind.
I, too, have been excluded from "real girls only" outings. She says that she has no need for me (Dawn) & just wants her husband. On Saturday, we were about to go to the store & she said, "but I don't have a bra on." I said, "That's OK. Neither do I." She went off on me, wanting to know why the conversation always comes back to being Dawn-centric. Of course, she's exaggerating, but there have been times when she thought comments like that were funny. Sometimes, I just don't know who I'm getting when I interact with her.
Interesting what Mika says about her wife not wanting to be seen in public with her. Mine often wants to be with me, in public. She says that she wants to protect me.
I went through a rough time, just a couple of months ago. I thought I might have to say goodbye to that part of myself, but how do you eliminate a part of you? I finally decided that I wanted to be whole. I embraced the "total me" (as much as I can). That's right! I'm back! I believe that I am a woman, but will put on this act of being male to give my wife what she needs.
BTW, I'm not that far from Mt. Dora. Do you live in FL? If so, and you need a girlfriend to hang out with, PM me. I'm interested in hearing about your support group. I'm also part of a CD/TG group, but it's more of a social group. We have monthly parties, go clubbing, shopping, out to dinner, have seminars, do makeovers & mani-pedis. That's in Pinellas County. We have one coming up, this Saturday, if you're interested.
In many ways I’m glad that you and others commenting feel the same upset that I experience when the goal posts or at least my perception of them changes. I too feel perhaps I should close Lisa down and go back to a simple life.
Of course both you and I know how impossible that really is. Having had my hissy fit I find myself in the strange position for a trans person of telling myself to “grow a pair” . It’s not unreasonable that your partner might want some time with her friends without you tagging along. They re her friends after all. I know my wife wants her man and I have to remember the accommodations and effort she makes to allow me to be something other than the man she married. Underlying it all it’s still the case that had she been interested in a lesbian relationship she woundn’t have married me. So be fair and don’t spoil a good thing by not allowing her to express her feelings or have some private time of her own.
Hey Kathryn,
That's rough. I've been through this. My wife's feelings have gone back and forth, and have contributed to purges and a wide variety of feelings. Right now, we're in a place where we let each other do what we want with respect and acceptance, but I don't think we'll ever get to the point you and your wife were (and hopefully will be). We've been out together, but she tolerates it rather than enjoys it.
I know everyone feels differently about dressing up, but I find that moderation really helps with the marriage. If I dressed up all the time, I think it would be harder on my wife. Once a week is about right for our situation. This is ok for me, but I understand this would be hard for others. I find I enjoy dressing up a lot more, when I keep a balance.
As I think about your experience, I am imagining a different scenario, from the other side of things. Maybe it will help you empathize with your wife. Imagine there was some hobby that your wife wasn't interested in. I'll use skiing because it's my thing. Let's say my wife became interested in skiing and I get excited because I imagine us being ski partners. As we begin to ski together, she progresses in her skills to a point where she is content, and isn't really interested skiing anything more difficult or going into the backcountry. Imagine a powder day and I want to be able to ski without waiting for her. She wants to come with me, and I tell her she can't because she isn't a good enough skier to keep up and don't want to wait. She would obviously be hurt. From my point of view, I need some time to do my own thing on the mountain. From her point of view, I am being selfish or don't want to ski with her anymore.
Obviously, your situation is a bit different and it wasn't necessary for your wife to say all the things she did, but i can imagine that she probably, really wanted some time with just her friends, away from her husband. I mean, my wife likes to do things with her friends and doesn't invite me, and it has nothing to do with cross dressing.
You're wife shouldn't have said all those things to make her point, but the fact that she has come to apologize and wants to fix things is huge. I believe a marriage can survive just about anything if both parties are willing to admit they are wrong and work through things. Remember that forgiveness is just as important as loyalty in friendships.
As for losing your confidence, don't give up. I find I need to take a break from dressing up from time to time. Sometimes I put on an outfit and I feel so confident and comfortable and excited to go out and I have a lovely time. Other times I put on an outfit and look terrible and I feel incredible disappointment. I came home the other day in a dress I really liked and my wife thought it looked terrible. It was tough, but all women experience this, I think. Sometimes we feel confident, sometimes not.
I suspect that as you and your wife talk about things, you'll be able to find a balance and work through this. Remember that relationships go both ways, and while she may enjoy dressing up with you, it's ok if she wants the masculine you from time to time. The beauty of cross dressing is that you can have both worlds. I can be a man and a woman. That's what makes it fun.
Don't give up, I hope that helps.
Sara,
Very well said. The balance being feminine or masculine. I to provide/present the man my wife married but take some time for Tiffany. Most of the time at home I'm in male mode until the evening after my wife goes to bed and I sit watching UFC in my nightgown or pajamas in my recliner. We shop for female items for both her and myself in male mode. I would say about 90% of the time I am in male mode. But we talk about my CD'ing anytime. The conversations are so open. My wife would say, 'I'm washing delicates, do you have any bras or panties that need washing?' That's just normal for us.
The point is she has her man any and most of the time. Then I (or we) have Tiffany time. It is very balanced. Like you mentioned, my wife likes to do things with her girlfriends and I stay away from that. We have an understanding that we won't restrict each other of things and activities we want to do without the other spouse. It works for us.
I would ask her what she was thinking and going through her head to say those hurtful things after she had whole heartedly jumped on board, support your dressing, encouraged it along with gave you all kinds of reassurance. Sad to say that the one comment, which was extremely hurtful, will takes lots of postives things to over come it. Will you forget it? No. It will always stay in the back of your mind.
Kathryn, we have talked about what you are going through and I know now much you are hurting. You were always there for me when my wife would suddenly change what she deemed as acceptable. I want o be here for you now. Hopefully others out there will have some advice that will help you through this rough time you are going through. Please remember you are a beautiful living person who only wants to be the person you know you are. I think your wife knows that and on that fateful day, when she came down on you, probably just wanted some alone time for her. We all have those times. Hugs, Carolyn
congratulations on the acceptance. I hope my wife is as accepting when I tell her.
But the throwback was not cool....i'm afraid that will happen to me as well.
